Am I being over optimistic to think this is doable?

[Whatallama]

My husband and I have been invited to a family wedding about 3 hours away from where we live. It's not immediate family, but I'd like to go if at all possible. It's my husbands side of the family, not that it makes much difference.

The problem is that I'm pregnant with our first, and this wedding is on the due date. My husband thinks we'd be nuts to go, but I think it may be doable. If the baby comes before, chances are we wouldn't make it, but if I'm still pregnant, there's no complications, and I still feel ok, then I'm thinking we could do it.

Obviously, we'd have to take everything with us in the car, in case I went into labour there (we'd probably stay the night of the wedding), so all the baby things, car seat, my stuff, maternity notes etc.

Ideally I'd like to just see how we're doing, but I'm not sure that's fair on the bride and groom, because they may well be wasting money on us.

It's still 6 months away, and they don't even know that I'm pregnant yet, but we'll need to chat things through with them.

I know many people will think I'm nuts for even considering this, but if I'm well, AIBU to think that with proper planning, its possible?

Is it your first baby?

Either way: NOPE.

There's nothing wrong with having a positive attitude - expect the best. Prepare for the worst.

Personally I'd be thrilled to have a bloody good excuse not to go! 😬

I'm pregnant with our first. Said the OP, in her OP.

The OP isn't in the zone yet. She has never ever been 40 weeks. She does not have the ability to comprehend what it feels like if she develops sudden and acute pre eclampsia. She doesn't physically understand what it feels like to have a bad tear. She doesn't know how relentless establishing breastfeeding can be - and that after birth the jelly like body just wants to be in bed to establish feeding. She has never yet carried a 40 weeks foetus in her body and understood physically what her legs not feel like if they are not put up flat every ten mins.

These are not sensations that an online forum will be able to explain. Or use words to convince.

I am an academic in a leading British University leading large research teams, back to work and my beloved career at 6 months post birth and let me tell you this - i cannot describe how much life has changed. We have traveled to conferences in Japan italy and Prague with a 7, 8 and 12 month old in this last year - but nothing can describe how life has permanently changed. No words can describe the sensations after birth, the flood of hormones and the crying on Day 4, the feeling like I had been beaten up after a 40 hour Labour, or the immovable body I dragged from one side of the bed to another in the final weeks.

OP - words on an online platform will not explain the sheer physicality of this to you. You WILL feel "but I am different. I am wayyy more in control".

I lead a 14 country research team. I am the most in control go getter you may meet. And having DS was for me the most mind boggling loss of control.

I went to a Christmas diner dance when I was 12 days over due with my first and was absolutely fine! Had to leave before the end to go have the baby but no big deal husband stayed sober so he could drive. I was not 3hrs from home though??
I went to a wedding 2 days before my due date with second and again was absolutely fine wore heels till 1am. Didn't bring any baby stuff Husband not sober that time but I felt more secure I knew what to expect and could get home pick stuff up and to hospital in time in a taxi.
I would explain to the bride and groom that you would love to attend by it might all fall through last minute. Give them cash as a wedding gift! Whether you go or not.

Konyaa- it just shows that being used to being in control is not a good preparation for the early days and years! A flexible mindset makes it much easier- surrendering needn't be negative.

As for 'expecting the best and preparing for the worst', I would just say expect the unexpected. Rigidity (new word) is disastrous.

OP- As it happens, I would have been fine in your position all three times and I was pretty laid back- went on the tube into town Christmas shopping on first due date- but don't think even I'd have accepted the invitation.

Oh you sweet summer child

I think YABU and unfair tbh.

You say your husband will do everything... but is that fair to him? If he's like my husband, he'll be a nervous wreck worrying about you and the upcoming birth (and clearly he cares a lot because he's the one saying you really shouldn't go). On top of that you're throwing in a six-hour return trip for him to drive by himself with no other driver + the possibility of having to visit you and baby in a hospital far away from home.

And just as important, what effect will your possibly going into labour at the wedding itself do to the bride and groom and their special day?? Imagine they're about to say their vows, and your waters break. You jump up, cause a commotion, and have to rush out of the church to get to a hospital... how unfair would that be!

I'll concur with what everyone has already said about being bloated and tired and uncomfortable. I've been there three times, and it's not a pleasant feeling. But if your personal comfort were the only issue, I'd say okay yeah go for it. But in this case, where you're attending a formal wedding, I think you need to stop thinking about yourself and how much fun you might want to have and worry about the possible impact upon the bride and groom if you deliver on your due date.

I do pregnancy well and would be fine to go in theory however I wouldn't. Massive waste of money as you could go into labour day before so your food would be paid for. Or you could go into labour enroute and not be able to get to an unfamiliar hospital quickly enough. My first arrived within an hour. I think the bride and groom would in the circumstances prefer you to decline. I know I would.

Sorry - not read all the posts. But I would say if you want to go, Go! You're not poorly, just pregnant! The world won't come to an end if you do go into labour!

Yes, you'll be a bit uncomfortable, your feet will swell and you'll need to have a wee every half an hour. But enjoy the freedom! Make the most of a day with family - not yours but your H's - what does he want to do?

I went to a wedding 3 hours away, 3 weeks before DD1 was born. Everyone treated me like china, and made sure I had a seat and bought me drinks. It was lovely. I also went to a wedding 3 days after DD3 was born and do you know what - my uterus didn't fall out, and the world didn't come to an end! I cried a lot when I saw the beautiful bride, and cried when they said I do; pretty much sobbed a lot due to hormones. But it is such a special day for people that they really appreciate it when you make the effort.

Life goes on - even if we may feel like we're the centre of the universe - and weddings are such lovely family-centred occasions - everyone loves a PG lady or a new baby. Enjoy and live your life - it doesn't come to a end just because you're having children!!

*AdmiralCissyMary
*
The "I was hangliding whilst 8 cms dilated and was back to playing premier league field hockey 3 minutes after giving birth" contingent has well and truly arrived, hasn't it.

No, just balancing the discussion with other RL examples. After all, we're all different, right? And entitled to do what works for us? I'm not sure I personally see any huge difference between working up to your due date, frantically cleaning the house whilst running round after a toddler on your due date or sitting in a wedding reception but maybe that's just me...

I went 1.5 hours to Henley Regatta on my due date, driving both ways with a pished husband! You can if you want. BUT we decided the day before based on how I was feeling and I was there with two midwife friends and an anesthetist so I felt pretty covered 😀

My DH was bestman on the date my first born was due. It wasn't quite as far away, an hour or so, although probably 2 hours from the maternity hospital. My logic was that I wouldn't know the midwives in my chosen labour ward, so if I did go into labour and end up in a different hospital, it didn't real matter/bother me. Chances are, if I went into labour I'd get back to my own hospital anyway. I just took my labour bag, notes, birth plan and DH agreed to stay off the alcohol and just had a small glass of champagne with the speeches. The odds are in your favour, the probability of your baby arriving on its due date is less than it not arriving. Have a plan for what you will do if labour starts at the wedding and just go and enjoy the day. It's worth it just to see the look on people's faces when they ask when you are due and you say "today"!

Gosh - I'm really surprised at the number of people who wouldn't even contemplate it.
I'd definitely be up for going. Like you say, life doesn't stop just because you are pregnant. Yes, you may be uncomfortable at term, but you're going to be uncomfortable wherever you are so may as well have some fun instead of being cooped up. The car journey may have to have a few more stops than usual etc. etc. But it's got to be easier than being 9 months pregnant and looking after other small children which most of us have to do.
My sister was due the day after my wedding (she actually hung on for another two weeks) - we'd set the date before she knew she was pregnant. She had a four year old and a not quite two year old as well. Not such a long drive though, about 1.5 hours each way. She was fine.

PS. Why no other driver? No reason to stop driving at 9 months pregnant.

I did this, 3 hours away a few days before my due date. It was a sibling so had to really. We went by train so I could walk about, go to the toilet etc. It was bloody uncomfortable! Wedding was nice, but I was in bed by 9 so hardly a great party. I didn't really think about it, packed my notes and maternity bag, arranged for a car seat if necessary. I didn't have swollen ankles, small bump, felt tired but ok.

Looking back I can't believe how utterly fucking stupid and clueless I was. When DS turned up a couple of weeks later it was an EMCS, I was in a lot of pain. DS then developed group B strep and we were in hospital for a week while he was pumped with antibiotics. I was a hormonal weeping mess, bleeding, on strong painkillers and leaking milk everywhere.
The short journey home from hospital was a bloody nightmare, every brake, every jolt felt like my abdomen was going to rip open. No way could I have done a three hour journey. On top of that, it was tricky to establish breastfeeding and every feed took an hour of cajoling and sobbing. I got barely any sleep.

I can't believe I risked that happening three hours from home.

Robina-I agree no reason to stop driving if you can but I've stopped driving long distances as it's so uncomfortable with driving to fit my bump behind the wheel. Plus my back seizes up after sitting in a car seat.

The last thing you want to be doing when your labour starts is ordering waterproof sheets that are just two clicks away, as you said. You seem a bit detached and disengaged from the idea of a baby, but it is quite understandable, given how early you still are. It isn't a piece of furniture you will be giving birth to, why would you want to subject her to an unnecessary upheaval, born or unborn? You can't just look at the birth of a baby as a set of logistics, it is a magical (unless dramatical) event that you want to be emotionally prepared for.
My first baby was induced, albeit early, so my DH and I had time to prepare ourselves to his arrival, and it was beautiful. The second DS arrived suddenly, and all plans went out of the window, and life was turned upside down, you can't be logistically be prepared for every eventuality.

I wouldn't be driving because I can't drive. I'm hoping to have changed that by the time the baby comes along, but even so, being so inexperienced, I think my husband would be doing most/all of the driving.

Yes, there is a very small chance that my waters could break during the wedding, but its pretty small. From having a look, it seems that 4% of babies arrive on their due date. 20% of births have waters breaking before contractions. That gives a 0.8% chance of that happening on my due date.

Obviously thats for birth, not going into labour, but assuming that the likelihood 24 hours earlier or later is similar, the stats still stand. And thats for my waters breaking suddenly onver the 24 hour period of my due date. Of that, say I'm at the wedding for 8 hours, thats 1/3rd of that day, so brings it down to 0.27% chance.

If I went into a less dramatic start to labour, it should be easy to make a far quieter exit, which wouldn't upstage anybody.

i went to my DH's aunt and uncle's golden wedding celebration, about 3hrs away, with DD and DS (2 and 4) and I was 39 weeks. it was fine. baby arrived 5 days later. what wasn't so fine was that DD broke her leg 2 days after the party and 3 days before the baby arrived, spent the next 6 weeks in plaster and couldn't walk or go to nursery at all.

you don't know what's going to happen. Dh and I arrived home after the party and congratulated ourselves on having got away with it...little did we know!

I think your plans seems perfectly reasonable. do you know where the nearest hospital is to the venue? and along the way? precisely. you can give birth in a different hospital. the world will not end. I stayed close to home with my first (to a ridiculous extent: i didn't get the bus into town; my DH even worried about me going for a walk round the block!). it was a waste of time and it really did my head it.

if you go into labour you:
a) might miss the wedding
b) will probably have to go to a new hospital
c) might end up in labour while driving
d) might have some kind of emergency which necessitates a hospital dash. this could happen at home though.

I saw a different midwife for every appointment and completely new ones for labour. it didn't bother me at all, so a new hospital would have made no difference. i did realise we'd forgotten the car seat though so if things kicked off, we would have had to stop by halfords (afterwards, not during..)

BTW, I had a lovely time at the party and was glad I went and didn't have to stay at home waiting for a baby to arrive.

why don't you say yes and then you can always pull out if needed? that way, you don't have to announce your pregnancy earlier than intended.

enjoy

I'd Draw a pie chart nearer the time and refer it to a statistician.

I had a really good pregnancy, felt like the baby was nowhere near making an appearance (I was right, he was two weeks late), and when I went to my godson's first birthday party on my due date people acted like I deserved a fucking medal. It was a 20 minute tube ride away and over by 5pm.

Bogey said this on the first page, "I wonder if you are wanting to do all this stuff, holidays, long trips for weddings etc to prove something to yourself."

Then I scrolled down and saw, "I can't drive. I'm hoping to have changed that by the time the baby comes along"

It just seems to me, as a stranger, that you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself for reasons that aren't really clear. Why are you bothered about going to this wedding when you don't know the couple that well? It's different to other PP's where it was a wedding of someone close to them, obviously you'd move heaven and earth to make it. But why spend all that time, money and effort to go when they probably aren't that bothered about you being there? You haven't actually explained why there's been so much research, discussion with friends, trying to convince your DH it's a good idea, consulting strangers on MN in respect of a wedding of two people you barely know. Why go to all that bother? What is it you're trying to prove?

The googling and research and logical decision making process is all very well and good, but how you're dealing with this seems detached and unemotional. Perhaps it's just your writing style, but I would echo Graphista's concerns which she laid out in her detailed post.

OP I have really easy pregnancies, no SPD, no piles. I travelled widely during both until I couldn't fly anymore, I swam after my due date with my first went to lots of weddings and parties. BUT there is something about very late pregnancy (after 38 weeks) which is just different, nothing fits for a start, I started leaking milk and having heavy mucousy vaginal discharge before the births on both occasions. AT A WEDDING ??? it's just not practical decline.

I'm gonna repeat myself

"Having read all your responses [and now aiming to pass both driving tests AND a holiday at 8 months] I'm now REALLY worried that you're putting far too much pressure and too high expectations on yourself which is as several other posters have said a recipe for pnd, but I'm wondering if there's an element of prenatal anxiety/denial/depression going on.

Makes me wonder if it was an unplanned pregnancy or you fell pregnant faster than you thought you would or even thought you couldn't get pregnant for some reason/had problems conceiving. A cousin of mine was ttc for over 2 years, when she did fall pregnant it threw her completely and she was sort of in shock/denial."

You don't seem to 'get' that you're going to be under enough stress/pressure without throwing a ton of unnecessary stress/pressure additionally.

Have you already been taking driving lessons? If so for how long? Because it takes a lot longer to get test ready these days than when I learnt and even then the guidance was to allow about a year (based on one lesson a week which is what most people do) if your plan is more lessons/intensive course I think that's a really bad idea when you're pregnant.

How long have you known you're pregnant?