Am I being over optimistic to think this is doable?

[Whatallama]

My husband and I have been invited to a family wedding about 3 hours away from where we live. It's not immediate family, but I'd like to go if at all possible. It's my husbands side of the family, not that it makes much difference.

The problem is that I'm pregnant with our first, and this wedding is on the due date. My husband thinks we'd be nuts to go, but I think it may be doable. If the baby comes before, chances are we wouldn't make it, but if I'm still pregnant, there's no complications, and I still feel ok, then I'm thinking we could do it.

Obviously, we'd have to take everything with us in the car, in case I went into labour there (we'd probably stay the night of the wedding), so all the baby things, car seat, my stuff, maternity notes etc.

Ideally I'd like to just see how we're doing, but I'm not sure that's fair on the bride and groom, because they may well be wasting money on us.

It's still 6 months away, and they don't even know that I'm pregnant yet, but we'll need to chat things through with them.

I know many people will think I'm nuts for even considering this, but if I'm well, AIBU to think that with proper planning, its possible?

Whatallama
You can do all the statistical analysis that you want but you can't predict the future. Not one of us knew at 3 months with our first baby how we would feel at 9 months. I know people who have worked until the first contractions I know others who were induced at 32 weeks with preeclampsia. Neither of those could have predicted at 3 months what would happen. Both my labours were long but at family friend has very quick labours (think minutes not hours) we only found this out by actually having a baby. I know people who have planned CS for 39 weeks but both of mine turned up at 38 weeks.

You can make plans but you absolutely cannot control the pregnancy and birth process and how you will feel after it.

I'm worried that's the problem.

Op is this the first time you've had to deal with something that cannot be planned 100%? Controlled?

One friend of mine (weirdly a maths lecturer) had a 5 year plan as soon as she was pregnant for when baby was born. It didn't last because babies don't read

Books
Plans
Spreadsheets
Pie charts
Stats reports

Funnily enough.

You do seem to be struggling with that idea, that you CAN'T plan 100% with babies.

Isn't there a joke with midwives and birth plans being purely a distraction to stop new mums asking silly questions?

Well potentially if you said yes and then didn't turn up because you were having a baby then they could have spent a couple of hundred quid for nothing and have 2 empty chairs which could have been filled by 'reserves'. YABU.

Aaaah, sweetie! WORLD of difference between being pregnant at 3 months and at 9 months! By the time you get to your due date, you are likely to be feeling SO uncomfortable and heavy. Your bladder will be squished to the size of a pea and you'll need the loo every 5 seconds. Being stuck in a car for a 3-hr journey will be purgatory with numerous loo stops and aching back from the car seat. You'll probably be getting Braxton-Hicks contractions (your muscles limbering up for the Big Event), that can be surprisingly strong. Swollen ankles and feet will mean you can't get your pretty shoes on...and wouldn't want to. Slippers, please!

Thank your lucky stars that you have an iron-clad reason for not being able to attend the wedding. Stay home, put your feet up and get a hot (not too hot) water bottle on that back! Why would you risk having to deliver your baby in a strange hospital with a midwife you've never met...or worse, on the M5!

If I was a bride and a guest agreed to attend on her due date, I'd seriously talk her out of it and tell her we'll post her some cake and some photos afterwards.

When I was 3 months pregnant with my 1st I had no idea at all that I would have SPD/PGP and need physio, that I would get piles, indigestion 24/7, random crying jags, nausea, carry an 11lb baby and need an emergency C section.

I could not and did not predict any of that but it all came true. On my due date I was having an emergency C section. It took me six weeks to recover.

OP why did you create this thread and what do you expect to find out of it? Because from your responses it doesn't seem like this thread was necessary.

Konyaa, I've already answered that question, which you'd see if you'd read the whole thread.

You'd also see that my current view is that I won't go because I don't think it'll be fair on the bride and groom. It doesn't alter that I may (though may not) feel fine, its logistically possible, and the chances of me having a dramatic hollywood style break of waters during the vows are tiny. But although I think its doable, I'm not thinking its worth it on balance. Which I've said many, many times.

I think youre being really dismissive of people that tell you quite honestly the possible pitfalls, which is quite obviously because you havent actually done it before Maybe you think youll have a sneeze birth or be going for runs in late pregnancy, or be up and about super quick. Maybe you will. Chances are you wont.

Branleuse, yes because saying about a dozen times now that I probably won't go is 'being dismissive'

Some people have said they'd go, most have said they won't. Throughout I've said that I appreciate I may not be able to go, and don't know how I'd feel, and have repeatedly said that on reflection I probably wouldn't go.

Just because you have said that you "probably" wont go doesnt mean that are accepting what people have said to you.

What about what I and Graphista posted about your high expectations of yourself? In my own, very horrible, experience high expectations led to a much bigger post birth crash than would otherwise have happened. I was very ill as a result.

And you havent discussed whether there is more behind this than simply first time optimism based on lack of experience, or whether you are worried that you are going to lose your identity/drive etc when you have this baby.

Too many of us have been where you are now and suffered as a result when reality didnt meet expectation, we are offering to help you.

To be fair op doesn't have to answer or give more info than she's comfortable with.

But I'd certainly advise she ponder the questions asked and consider getting some advice/support in real life.

Midwife will hopefully be noticing if there's problems ahead but it's hard if op hides the issue.

The level of judgment on this post is really shocking to me (I'm quite new to mumsnet). Just because OP considers doing something other than sitting in a room rubbing her belly on her due date doesn't make her naive and selfish... jeez. It's HER life. Maybe there are no larger psychological issues to confront, maybe she has lots of friends with children and knows exactly what's ahead of her... I'm so confused by some of the responses. The only response is 'it's your life, see how you feel and get on with it'... surely???

Well that would make for a very short and boring thread HeyPesto

The OP has asked for opinions so she's getting them

I think in six months you'll feel very differently,TBH. It'll be hot and sunny and from my memory, feeling like a beached up whale, lol.
Your DH is absolutely right. Rest as much as you possibly can before the birth, because I know I have this idea my baby would sleep and I'd have a sleep. You have to be joking... She yelled from the minute she was born, despite a round of nappy changing, breast feeding(which is draining), winding and then all over again. She was a nightmare baby. My son was different and easier, but I still grabbed at naps when I could. Please think seriously; you will need rest. A six hour round journey, with a sore back, etc, will knock you for six.
Knowing my sodding luck, I know that if I went to a wedding on my due date, it would guarantee my waters going, just at the start of the ceremony. That for me would be the equivalent of eating a curry, driving down a cobbled street and taking library books back so as to not get a fine. Yes; all the precious methods worked. Plus, DD decided that as DH had packed enough sandwiches to feed an army, multiple flasks of coffee, she wasn't hanging around for anyone. Despite being told I'd take ages, I'll always remember that door slowly closing and then thinking 'oh, shit, she's coming!' and she did. DS took three times longer, but it was a less traumatic birth.
The other problem would be finding something smart enough to go to a wedding in! I remember I'd only put on a stone and a half with my babies. But I hadn't anticipated how huge I'd feel. My mother brought me maternity trousers and laughing, thinking I'd never get that huge! I did. I lived in those and DH's t shirts. Not exactly dress code for a wedding. Do you really want to splash a load of cash on an outfit you'll rarely wear afterwards?
You midwife will be telling you to rest and put your feet up anyway, if you've got any sense.
Good luck!

graphista you are right of course, but I remember those feelings of failure, of thinking "is this it? The rest of my life is being up to my neck in shitty nappies with a baby who wont stop crying and being too tired to go back to my job?" I felt desolate and I would hate someone else to go through that too.

I am sure that I would have suffered PND anyway, I think that in many cases it is inevitable and I do believe that it is linked to hormones, but my own high expectations of myself made it so much worse.

I am also aware that I am probably catastrophizing and that the OP could well be back in 6 months to crow at the likes of me at what a breeze it is, and I truly hope she does! But if she doesnt I would also like her to know that she will get support here.

"I am also aware that I am probably catastrophizing and that the OP could well be back in 6 months to crow at the likes of me at what a breeze it is, and I truly hope she does! But if she doesnt I would also like her to know that she will get support here."

Well yes exactly. I'm a more glass empty (not even half ) myself.

My point was just don't feel pushed to reveal more than you're comfortable with. But not to take that as a cue to hide from the truth.

Totallybonkers I hadn't twigged of course op will be heavily pregnant at height of summer. I was 4 months in a late hot summer that was bad enough! Because of course body temperature goes up doesn't it?

I managed to give birth to the DD that caused all the trouble on the hottest day of that year! It was horrible, although probably worse for the poor midwife dealing with my whinging!

I suppose I am viewing the OP as me, 20 years ago (almost to the day) and I so wish I could go back to myself and say "Go with the flow. Sometimes nature makes us slow down for a reason, you dont have to prove that you can beat nature in order to keep your own identity"

I am sorry What for projecting. But I was you once, and it didnt end well so I hope you understand why I am so worried for you. You must (and will!) do what is right for you.

I also apologise for giving far too much of myself to this thread, which I am sure you neither need nor want!

Is this your first pregnancy?

He's right IMO... Imagine that (for some non horrible reason) you and baby have to stay in for a few days. Then you will be three hours away from your nearest and dearest and DH will be stuck between hospital and hotel / car / guest bedroom when he needs to recharge.

Or what if you go into labour during a pivotal wedding moment??

Regardless - At 40 weeks you will be hormonal challenged, round and have no bladder control. You may sit there and try not to hate the bride (who is looking all young and not pregnant) But you will probably be thinking 'just you wait until this happens to you...'

In my experience I suggest planning only long walks, sex, currys and SLEEP after 38 weeks!

I'm on my phone, so probably can't respond in full (and it's 2.15am), but just to say that me wanting to do this is just the way I've always been. I always look on the bright side - and I'd much rather try and fail than not try in the first place.

This is a planned baby, in a very loving, happy marriage. We are perhaps slightly unusual in this my husband will be taking on more of the caring responsibilities than me, taking more time off etc. I'm quite nervous about pregnancy, but happy to be pregnant, and looking forward to having our child.

I've always been optimistic, and have often done stuff that others have thought nuts*. Whilst there have been times where they haven't worked, I've never regretted trying. I guess my motto is to hope for the best, but don't be disappointed if the reality is different.

I've discussed this situation with friends who have children, and they are supportive of me going, and say they'd go themselves.

The vast majority of my friends have children (between 2 and 5 of them), I'm not unfamiliar with how children change lives. Life is obviously going to change, but it's not going to stop.

This wedding probably isn't going to happen for me, but I have no intention of twiddling my fingers at home, unless my health dictates otherwise.

*selected non outing things that other people thought were nuts. Others are far sillier but too outing

• moved city with under 24 hours notice with no home or job just because I felt like it.
• left a job, moved house (and city) and went traveling for a month, within 48 hours. Started new job the day after I got back.
• snuck out on husband who had a headache and was sorting sleeping, at midnight, in Egypt to spend a couple of hours shopping by myself in the souks for a gift for him.
• flying to 3 European cities on 3 consecutive days, sleeping in between at Stansted airport, to take full advantage of a ryanair deal.

My latest one (which is pretty outing), involved me trying to fly back from Scotland without a passport. Couldnt pick it up at the airport, couldn't get it delivered to a post office (you need your passport to pick it up in those circumstances), so ended up booking a cheap and nasty hotel, asking if they'd accept a parcel for me, my parents posting it there. Me picking it up an hour before the flight from the hotel, and cancelling the room (which I obviously still paid for). The others in the group thought I should accept defeat, and go by the train, by the plan worked, I got home easily.

I guess my motto is to hope for the best, but don't be disappointed if the reality is different.

Which is great, when your body and your mind are your own. They are not when you are about to (or just have) given birth. Hormones that give you the nesting instinct, the protective instinct etc are there for a reason.

All the mad stuff you have done only affected you if it went wrong, but when your precious new baby is in the mix, it changes everything. The idea of moving cities and jobs in under a day is a fun challenge when its just you. Its the stuff of nightmares when your baby will only sleep in its own cot after three verses of Twinkle Twinkle and a dream feed. Thats why you get posts on MN saying "We have been invited to a BBQ where Jesus will be turning water into wine that starts at 6pm, but baby needs to be in bed by 7, AIBU to not go?!".

Urgh, I think my last post was stupid, should probably try and get some sleep. I'm a 'never turn down the opportunity for fun' kind of person, even if it makes me knackered. I know I'll have to slow down with pregnancy and a baby, but I'm going to still try and do things, if the reality is I can't, well at least I've tried.

So yes, I'm going on holiday at 8 months - if I'm not very mobile, I'll sit and read a book and relax. And yes, I'm going to try to learn to drive, because it will enhance our lives if I pass my test. If I fail, so what? I try again till I succeed!

If I don't learn to drive now, I have to do it with a baby, or a toddler, so it's worth me trying.

Graphista, you describe yourself as a glass empty person - that's fine, but I'm the opposite.

Trying and failing won't send me into depression, but feeling I have to slow down, that I can't do anything in case I fail, having such low expectations of myself, that I don't even try, might. We are very different people.

Fair enough different people.

Funnily enough though your list of nuts things you've already done is very similar to mine but yes pre-dd and if it had gone tits up it would've only been me suffering the consequences.

I'm definitely more risk averse now. Not only considering if it will directly affect her but also I'm her only mum so not taking risks with my health/life is a factor too (that's included sadly for me no more children).

And I don't think anybody said you should stay home twiddling thumbs but a lot of mum's by that stage didn't want to be very active, I think that's what most people meant.

I suspect every first time mum is nervous about pregnancy. It's a slightly strange dynamic when you think about it too much I mean growing a new human inside me - which fool came up with THAT idea

Good luck with the pregnancy and the driving. I learnt 15 years ago and I understand it's a tougher test now. And bloody expensive! But yea it is much easier if you can drive with a baby/toddler.

Yes OP I've done similar things and more in these short 31 years with a life across three continents. Sleeping on the floor of Salzburg airport, getting chased down with a knife wielding man at midnight in Washington DC, moving 'house' between two countries because the alternative was a post-doc position in Lapland, running across a frozen Finnish lake to catch a flight from the unknown Jyvasküla. It goes on.

I passed my driving test at 6 months pregnant.

That isn't the point though.

The point is that you cannot use statistics to plan a baby's arrival and life as you know it will change. Of course life goes on unless you die. It's obvious. But the idea is that you do to try to control and plan things around a physical experience that is like no other.

Do not - an ironical typo..

Six months? Pah. I passed mine at 37 weeks. Five days before giving birth to DD2 in my front room.

Still found babies knocked me for six, though.