Am I being over optimistic to think this is doable?

[Whatallama]

My husband and I have been invited to a family wedding about 3 hours away from where we live. It's not immediate family, but I'd like to go if at all possible. It's my husbands side of the family, not that it makes much difference.

The problem is that I'm pregnant with our first, and this wedding is on the due date. My husband thinks we'd be nuts to go, but I think it may be doable. If the baby comes before, chances are we wouldn't make it, but if I'm still pregnant, there's no complications, and I still feel ok, then I'm thinking we could do it.

Obviously, we'd have to take everything with us in the car, in case I went into labour there (we'd probably stay the night of the wedding), so all the baby things, car seat, my stuff, maternity notes etc.

Ideally I'd like to just see how we're doing, but I'm not sure that's fair on the bride and groom, because they may well be wasting money on us.

It's still 6 months away, and they don't even know that I'm pregnant yet, but we'll need to chat things through with them.

I know many people will think I'm nuts for even considering this, but if I'm well, AIBU to think that with proper planning, its possible?

deeedeee:

Given that you say that your dh thinks that it would be nuts for the pair of you to go, I'm wondering if he is not particularly as gung-ho and as inclined to 'power-through' as you are?

It's all very well that you think it that all the potential logistics are mere molehill style problems, but are you sure your dh won't be dropping a bollock if you go into labour and has to navigate to an unknown hospital and then has to pull suitable air bnb accommodation out of his ass and sources a decent car-compatable seat to get your newborn home?

I understand you wanting to go, but you have no idea how you'll probably be feeling.
I was in a similar situation except it was one of my best friends and I would have had to get a 3 hour train there and back. At first the wedding was a week before my due date and I fully thought I'd be fine to do it! After my 12 week scan my due date was changed to the date of the wedding so I said I wouldn't be able to go. There was no way I'd have managed that a month before giving birth let alone days. I had my dd 3 days early and was still in hospital on their wedding day!

Yes it's perfectly doable, if you feel up to it. However, my main concern would be if you end up giving birth there. A 3 hour post partum drive is not going to be pleasant if you've had multiple stitches in your perenium or a c section and/or you're bleeding a lot.

are you sure your dh won't be dropping a bollock if you go into labour and has to navigate to an unknown hospital and then has to pull suitable air bnb accommodation out of his ass and sources a decent car-compatable seat to get your newborn home?

He's not the panicking sort, and is very practical. He'd manage fine. I'm not sure why you think we'd be shopping for car seats then and there mind. That would be purchased and fitted well in advance of the trip.

He's more than capable of sourcing last minute accommodation if required, as is he of getting any extra provisions we needed or driving somewhere unfamiliar.

I mentioned earlier that I felt you going was very unfair on the bride and groom and I don't know if you've really considered that.

I'd love to read an update in 6 months time and you may well come back saying you were like you thought you'd be. I was similar to you and managed well but the first week after the birth I felt vulnerable and wouldn't have wanted to be away from home.

Good luck but please think of the bride and groom.

Angelic - Have you actually read this thread? Including my opening post? I’ve said right from the outset that I’m not sure its fair on the bride and groom, and its mainly for that reason, that I’m probably going to say no. I’ve mentioned this several times:

9:48 “my biggest worry is the potential waste of money for bride and groom – though we could be maybes until they need to confirm with the caters I guess which would give us some more time”

10@42 – “This wedding may well be a no though because its potentially very unfair on the couple”

11:23 – “I have already said, I will probably say no. It will be more about fairness to the couple, than anything else”

12:35 – “My biggest concern is waste of money for the couple, and for the sixth time, I'll say that I probably won't go, but I'm not declining yet, I'll see how things are nearer the time, have a chat with the couple, and see from there”

So in response to your question about whether I’d considered that going was very unfair on the bride and groom – yes I have considered it frequently, and from the very first post. Its one of the most important factors in whatever decision I make.

OP, I think you may have a slightly different definition of "doable" to some of the other posters.

In 1961 Kennedy asked if sending a man to the moon by the end of the decade was doable. As it turned out, it was doable. It involved vast amounts of money, effort and invention, but it was doable.

In 2016 OP asks if sending one very pregnant woman to a wedding is doable. Of course it is. Whether it is worth the huge amount of effort, planning and money - only the OP can say.

PerspicaciaTick
Exactly

Doable =/= worth doing

Objectively assuming the OP isn't giving birth, holding a day old newborn or suffering from complications in her pregnancy; it is doable. Whether most heavily pregnant women would think it was worth doing is another matter.

I always think of the worst case scenario. This is not always helpful. However, you need to think how things would pan out if there were complications. Personally, I would prefer to be near home where things are familiar.
If things go wrong, you have to manage, but there's no point courting complications.
You'll be knackered by 38 weeks anyway.

Yes, I have read the full thread but you seemed concerned about unfairness on them due to finances. I could be wrong but I haven't seen you consider it unfair on them due to the worry it would cause them if you needed medical attention or simply having someone there who would draw attention to themselves. Don't underestimate the extra stres you could place on them because they'll feel obliged to consider what to do if you needed help on the day. It would be different if you were particularly close to them and they were desperate for you to be there. Don't use their wedding as a test of pregnancy endurance!

To be fair to the OP, most of us with more than 1 dc were carrying on as normal right up until labour started with dc2. So whilst taking it easy with the last few weeks of pregnancy #1 Is workable, second time around it isn't always possible.
That said the first time is the unknown. You might have PGP/SPD and be in agony by 30 weeks or you might be just feel heavy and tired. At 3 months pregnant you just don't know.
I agree it might be best to say no unless the bride and groom are planning a wedding that needs numbers confirmed. A hog roast in a marquee wouldn't be as irritating to have 2 drop out as a £100 a head meal. But if invitations are out already it sounds like the latter

It's over 13 years since I last had a baby and some of the airy responses on here are still making me feel inadequate about having fairly crappy pregnancies - not medically awful apart from SPD, but I was sick and exhausted and miserable - and then feeling flattened and miserable afterwards, especially after DD1's nightmare labour but also after DD2's easy home birth...

OP, life does change. And some of it is quite difficult for a while. Not everyone breezes along and actually the pressure to do so makes things worse. You can just stay in and veg with your new baby.

motherinferior: The problem is (if you don't mind me saying) women feeling that how well their body deals with pregnancy is somehow a function of how good a person/parent they are. It isn't. It is random and biological. A healthy young woman following all the 'correct' advice can have a nightmare pregnancy and birth, whilst someone who smokes, drinks and parties until dawn can breeze through it. We need to stop applying value judgements to pregnancy, for our own sakes

Oh totally, Trifle. I do take your point.

I was a bit crap with tiny babies too.

I have fab teenagers though. And that too is sheer luck.

Aw op! You're in for a shock!!! No need for me to repeat what everyone else has said!!!!

Forget the wedding itself, even being in the car for 3h at 40'weeks would be total hell. Being that far away from your hospital/medical notes for non-essential reasons isn't all that wise.
How you feel now and how you'll feel on that day are worlds apart and you shouldn't accept this invitation.

Is it possible that your DH actually doesn't want to go/is not that bothered, and happy to use the baby as a convenient excuse? I know mine has no real interest in part of his family and would be very happy to avoid travelling that kind of distance to an event with them. No animosity, he just doesn't feel close to them.

I would tend to say don't go. You just don't know at this stage how things will be

I tended to breeze through early pregnancy, no sickness or anything, but I had complicated births, one of which was a premature one. So that would colour my thinking on the matter.

Why do some people interpret 'not immediate family' as hardly know them?

I would count parents, siblings and children as immediate family; anyone else - aunts, uncles, cousins are extended family and it is still possible to know them quite well.

Well having read more of the thread looks like just me and deeedeee would have been fit to attend.

I was working part time (but still 10 hr days) and coming home to 3 DCs until 40+4 so for me a day at a wedding and a 3 hour car ride, on my due date, would have been a welcome rest.

I find it surprising people feel attached to their local maternity units. I didnt.

** disclaimer I am often unrealistically optimistic. I didnt have any complications. I like weddings.

Hmm that's different though hello you were a seasoned mother of 3 already. Going would be bonkers but your life. If you do go be prepared to spend the whole day explaining yourself to horrified/bemused fellow guests....

Angelic makes a good point too - b and g may not be thrilled about you adding another level of stress to their day.

I was due my first DC on precise date of my sisters wedding.

I saw my consultant the day before and he said as the head wasn't engaged baby wasn't likely to be making an appearance in the next 48 hours.

It was a 3 hour drive away and I wasn't supposed to even be at the wedding, but I went, it was fab, baby arrived 8 days later.

You won't be able to confirm your attendance, but you might be able to find out if delivery is likely, closer to the day.

one thing to consider: some babys hate carseats - mine lasted about 5 min before starting to cry and get very upset. i would not want to find that out on a 3 hour car journey where you might be in pain yourself, barely able to sit. not worth the stress!