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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with DB over DN's birthday gift?

201 replies

HickDead · 04/12/2016 21:29

I live quite a distance from my DB, DSIL and their DC. Birthday presents usually end up being sent so that the kids have them on their birthdays. Lately there has been quite a few issues with the postal system, not sure if it's my end or their end but things have been going missing or turning up obviously tampered with. With this in mind I decided that for DN's birthday I would just put a cheque in a card as that would be safer, DN doesn't have a bank account so I made cheque out to DB. This was about 10 days ago.

This evening I have just had the following message from DB
Hi Hick, can you forward cash to us as cheque does not suit, we are busy people and I don't know when you think we'll have time to get to bank with it. My details are * , if you sort it ASAP as DN needs it.

WTF I have never come across anything so rude in all my life, I'm really disgusted and want to tell them where to stuff it. DB and SIL have form for being a bit arrogant and thinking the world revolves around them but this has really upset me. No thank you, no please, no nothing! AIBU?

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 04/12/2016 22:27

That is so rude. Your poor niece having such rude parents.

EastMidsMummy · 04/12/2016 22:30

Re: Banking at the Post Office. You can pay in cheques and cash and take out cash for something like 98% of UK banks, including all the big ones at any Post Office counter. Lots of them are now open into the evenings or on Saturdays and Sundays too.

confuugled1 · 04/12/2016 22:32

Agree it was an incredibly rude message - particularly the bit about dn needing the money so you need to do it asap...

I'd be really tempted to message back to say that you're really sorry but internet banking really doesn't suit you as you're a busy person, thanks for the offer but you're sure that he'll get to the bank at some point in the next 6 months but that if your dn is so desperate for money immediately then maybe he should lend it to her until the cheque is paid in.

DailyMailSucksAss · 04/12/2016 22:33

MyGastIsFlabbered

I agree with the sentiment. Agreed in my post that it was rude, but if their relationship was so great I'm sure it would have been worded more diplomatically. Bear in mind OP is a person who doesn't use internet banking (internet banking fraud is legally covered by banks, so this is prob a kneejerk reaction), seemingly can't send a present without it being damaged, won't herself go to the bank because she's too busy, and doesn't have the werewithal to call her brother to ask what he would like for dn before writing a cheque. It's christmas. Surely if you care about your dn you'll go to or call the bank to get money transferred?

Original poster
HickDead · 04/12/2016 22:34

Why can't you use Amazon to buy a gift? I use it for all of my in laws & if someone in a remote part of India can get a parcel within 3 working days, it should work for the UK

Because there would be nothing on her wish list which would be in my price range.

OP posts:
bumsexatthebingo · 04/12/2016 22:34

'Sorry, I don't use online banking anymore since being a victim of fraud. Perhaps you could sub dd the money until you can get it cashed? I'd bring it in person but with 3 children and working full time I'm sure you can appreciate I'm also extremely busy, regards.' Reckon that would get the point across without causing a huge family rift.

SiennaNealon · 04/12/2016 22:34

I agree with Soubriquet and bigred. Cheques are a pita. It's a reasonable request but put like that I'd totally ignore the text. I wouldn't transfer the money or respond.

One of my closest friends was very rude about a gift and gave it straight back to me so I could swap it or get a refund. It was really nice make up and I just kept it. When she asked I told her I thought it was really ungrateful and I future we should not get each other gifts. We compromised on a bottle of wine.

I've had a cheque for nearly four months that I can't cash without making a special trip that would leave me out of pocket.

SenecaFalls · 04/12/2016 22:36

I take it you can't deposit a check on your smartphone in the UK? Checks are still used fairly often in the US, but you don't even have to get out of your chair to deposit them.

DailyMailSucksAss · 04/12/2016 22:37

Seneca - cheques are almost obsolete here.

Original poster
HickDead · 04/12/2016 22:38

and doesn't have the werewithal to call her brother to ask what he would like for dn before writing a cheque

Yes I did ask and was told she wanted a very expensive item so I said I would give her money towards it. From the tone of your message you make it sound like I am the sole person at fault here without anything but vague details to base that on!

OP posts:
holidaysaregreat · 04/12/2016 22:40

That is v v rude. I had nasty messages off my brother last Christmas as he wasn't happy with the gifts I had bought for his kids. I thought they were OK but got accused of being thoughtless. They were bought in the August, so had been thought through. The gifts were left at my Mums - but surprisingly the tenner and sweets I put in were not returned. Strange that.
So he and wife are getting nothing from us this year. Kids getting cash plus a sweet hamper.
We are always happy with cheques from family & just pay them in when we get a moment.
Everyone has gifts they might not be 100% happy with - but usually you just "thanks that was great".

MarcelineTheVampire · 04/12/2016 22:41

If someone takes the time to send you a gift, you don't complain about it- that's just basic manners.

Whilst yes, cheques can be annoying (although I'm so happy now I know you can post them Grin) you don't send such an obnoxious message to the giver of said kind gift.

I would either ignore or say 'no I can't, you can either cash the cheque or not- up to you'

midcenturymodern · 04/12/2016 22:41

Can't remember the last time I saw a cheque. I had no idea you could send them in the post or pay them in at the post office. I can't remember the last time I saw my own paying in book either. It's still rude though.

DrinkingCocktailsInTheSunshine · 04/12/2016 22:42

I think sending a cheque was a lovely gift.

If it were me, I would reply and say you are also really busy and need to go to the bank to do the transfer and you probably won't get a chance until after Christmas but if DN needs the money that much, DB can lend it to her! Then I would forget to go to the bank and leave him to pay it in.

pixie32 · 04/12/2016 22:44

Yanbu. Horrendous. Since when does a person dictate to another how a gift should be presented? The only appropriate response to a gift given in kindness is 'thank you'
in my opinion. The people who are saying that the brother has a point and cheques are a pain etc... ridiculous... It's a present, not repayment of a loan or something. If I was the brother and the cheque was such a huge problem and the niece really NEEDED the money, I would have given the niece the cash and taken the cheque to pop in the bank at whatever point in the future I was near it, problem solved without rudely involving OP!.

holidaysaregreat · 04/12/2016 22:45

I don't think he deserves any reply!

Paddingtonthebear · 04/12/2016 22:47

Wow.

"Did you mean to be so rude?" would be very appropriate here.

Cheeky twat. Yes cheques can be a pain in the arse in the wider sense but, fuck me, someone is giving money as a gift out of kindness and people want to complain about the inconvenience of money as a gift out of kindness.

This would piss me right off. I would probably wait and give DN the money in person next time I saw her and probably ignore her parents for the next few months. Hmm

38cody · 04/12/2016 22:50

I'm shocked that so many people think the chq is the issue - the issue is that your brother is really rude and ungrateful - and how can DN 'need' the money - it's a gift, a bonus, not an expectation.
I think you should transfer the money as it's for DN but call or message your brother and tell him how incredibly rude his message was.
Next year send socks and if you can find one - a soap on a rope!
Seriously he is terribly rude and needs to be told.

UsedToBeAPaxmanFan · 04/12/2016 22:51

Your db is being amazingly rude. He can pay the cheque in at a Post Office, and even if he doesn't work near a bank he can probably get to a PO in his lunch break.

Our village PO is open until 5.30 Mon - Fri and 9 - 1 on Saturdays. I work ft, but when I'm sent a cheque (by my PiL who don't do internet banking) I can usually pay it in within a week. I can't believe there are many people eho can't access a PO.

Your dn shouldn't suffer because of her dad's rudeness, but if I were you I'd be tempted to say something to my brother.

larrygengurch · 04/12/2016 22:52

YANBU! What a rude man!

Can't believe the post office revelation! Does anyone know if you need paying in slips or can you fill them in there? (I have a "green" bank account, so no personalised slips or chequebooks)

FrancisCrawford · 04/12/2016 22:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

livefornaps · 04/12/2016 22:53

This isn't even worth discussing the logistics of internet banking or cheque cashing or anything, nor drafting hypothetical replies.

Just IGNORE IT.

This is not worth any hand wringing. That message was out and out rude and like pp have said, all it communicates is "my time is worth more than yours".

Say nothing. If he has the gall to bring it up face to face, just looked baffled. It's a shame, it's not the kid's fault that his dad is behaving like an asshole. It sours what was a lovely gesture. Thanks dad. Asshole.

charliethebear · 04/12/2016 23:01

Cheques aren't that bad, christ! What type of person thinks "someone gave me money, what an inconvenience" its really not that difficult to get to a post office/bank at some point in the next 6 months to pay it in. Or post it to the bank. Do people never visit a town?
Your brother is rude. Just ignore him

maddening · 04/12/2016 23:09

Say once you receive the cheque back you'll transfer the cash

NightWanderer · 04/12/2016 23:10

I'd just ignore the text. I wouldn't be transferring money either. It's not that hard to stick a cheque in an envelope and post it to the bank. Rude guy!