To think DH might be right (though it pains me to say it!)

[burgundyandgoldleaves]

Had a bit of an argument this morning. Do you think I am being unreasonable?

DH has said there is definitely an expectation that someone will be at home during the primary school years. (I was saying something about nativity plays.) I said he was wrong, and it was normal for both parents to work now. He said it was normal in theory but in practice it wasn't because in families where two parents worked they either had grandparents nearby and willing to help or the work was very part time - lunchtime supervisor or similar.

When I thought about it I wondered if he might actually be right. These threads about school plays and assemblies and even things like dropping children off at school seem to assume a parent or a relative will do it.

Or is he being unreasonable?

Well, my answer to the question you've posed is, who cares? Who wants to, or is able to, live their lives according to others' expectations? Which others? You'd be torn in every direction!

What matters is what matters to you and your DH. What is possible, what is necessary, what are your values, your preferences and how do those fit your circumstances. No-one else can tell you what those ought to be, or what is possible, or preferable, for you.

What you actually seem to be saying is that your family can get by on one income. Your DH believes having a SAHP is desirable and that it should be you. He sees you trying to work, even as part-time and flexibly as is possible - in a way that could be made completely compatible with supporting school-age DCs - as a waste of time, as the money isn't needed and he would prefer you to focus all your time and effort on the DCs (and him?).

Whereas, you want some financial independence and to keep your CV alive, with the idea at the back of your mind that you would like to know you could support yourself, should that ever become necessary.

There is an unsaid inference that your DH might not want you to become capable of economic independence.

My view, even if that inference is incorrect, is that it is a very good idea to keep your CV alive and maintain the potential for economic independence. If you can earn some extra money flexibly, while not compromising your ability to get involved with school things to the level you see as desirable - then that's a total win-win.

But that has nothing to do with what anybody else 'expects' - other than your DH himself.

girl my son loves after school club as he gets to play football with his friends. That would not happen at home as our lounge just isn't as big as the school hall!
My DD enjoys the independence that coming in from school on her own gives her. I wouldn't want them to have that every day, but my mum worked and I was proud of her for doing so as everyone else's mum stayed at home.

The question wasn't really about me, though - it was about the expectation, even non-verbalised, that someone is available at the drop of a hat for primary aged children.

Well, my answer is the same. Who cares?

Rather, if some staff in some schools do have such an expectation, they will find their expectations thwarted, as a matter of course, by a significant proportion of families. So to do their jobs most effectively, they will need to adjust their expectations. Thus I conclude that any school staff applying such an expectation are working ineffectively.

I completely get that you don't care, but I do, so I'd rather like to keep reading, thanks :)

Um, I didn't suggest that you shouldn't!

I think yabothu him for his backwards women should stay at home or be dinner ladies attitude, and you for your vague irrelevant drip feed posting on your pointless aibu.

I haven't drip fed; my AIBU really wasn't about me and it's seven pages of "pointlessness" and it wasn't pointless to me

I think some people in primary school do need to be reminded of the fact mums do not sit on call to rush in.
I had a very terse phone call asking me to pick up my DS. He was feeling sick. It takes me an hour to get home from work. It would have taken me an hour to get home from shopping. Walking the dog? In the hairdressers? What did we do when we had no mobile phones and you were taken ill at school?

Spent the day Xmas shopping, so just coming back on to post about the comment a teacher once made that my child should do less in wrap around care. Yes she did say that at one parents evening, and it was the head teacher too! And the wrap round care in question was at the school
And I did feel like saying something less than pleasant, but of course didn't. And what was I supposed to do anyway? Magic up local relatives with no job to go to?
The wrap round care was very good actually, she got to play with her class mates for an hour or two, in the summer they all played games on the school field no and even had picnics there.
Whereas when I was a child I was a latch key kid for as long as I can remember.

Here how you should have worded your op...

This morning DH and I had a row about school expectations regarding parents attending school activities. He thinks that women should either stay at home or work in a school setting to allow them flexibility to do the pick up drop off and attend nativities etc.
I am a sahm with 2 DC the oldest is in year 5. This is my 7th school year of experiencing the number of meetings etc the school expect me to attend. I know what the expectations are and I don't agree with them
I find being a sahm hideous and dull and dislike being financially dependant on DH but I have no plans to change this as I am going to stay being a sahm
So aibu to post here asking for your experiences even though I do not think they relate to me at all?

That's the best I could do and it still seems pointless.
Don't worry about replying, for some reason this thread is giving me the rage so I'm hiding it

95%ish of the people i went to school with who have children, the mother doesn't work. Some are single mothers, others have partners who work. Only one has a health condition as the reason she doesn't work. They typically have "Proud full time mummy!!!" in the "job description" box of FB.

But, Cind, that wasn't what my thread was about. I honestly don't really understand why you're being so obnoxious towards me. Really, I don't.

I was wondering

Other people's experiences (do you work, if so, do you have local family)
If people agreed with DH
If any schools did things differently and if it made a difference

The above list isn't exhaustive by any means but gives some idea.

Ok - well personally I don't know any SAHP who don't fit into at least one of the categories below:-

Pre-school child
Child with very complex needs
Health problems themselves
Looking for work
Ideally would like to go back to work but have lost all confidence

The vast majority fit into the top category although that is probably because I still have a pre-school child so that is how I meet people.

Re:- does school assume that you have an available parent? Hmm - I think school assumes quite a lot of flexibility but we are lucky with our school and we get decent notice and between us we make it work. (Dh works full time but has flexibility. I work 3 days a week in a "career" job.)

Dd is in Year 2 and so far at least one of us has made every show / "mingling morning" / meeting / sports day with the exception of one. (Which ironically was a meeting on one of my non-working days that involved no more effort than turning up 30 minutes earlier for pick-up - I completely forgot! )

It involves a lot of balancing and a commitment from both of us to make it work though.

It'll (hopefully) be easier next year - ds starts school so I'll be able to adjust my working hours to be able to do more pick ups. Also, just having them in the same place at the same time will make things simpler.

I must admit, having never been a sahm outside of mat leave, I used to fantasise about it. I thought my sahm friends spent their days all being best mates lightly gossiping in coffee shops, shopping at leisure, doing lunch, whimsically doing crafts together for extra pin money, before ambling back to school at a leisurely pace whilst chatting with the other sahm's.
Fairly obviously though, my actual sahm friends laughed up their sleeves and metaphorically stomped on my rose tinted glasses when I mused about this.

My own experience my mum did stay at home for the first few years, but then my dads place of work closed down, he was made redundant, and she was the one who found a job first, so my dad did the school runs. I honestly don't remember how long for, or what he did day time, but it wasn't long til he got another job and both my parents stayed working full time, and my gran, who didn't work and lived facing the school, walked the 3 streets to my house of a morning to walk me to school, and i went to hers after school and she took me home, and stayed there with me til my mum got home. Until i was in year 5, when i was then old enough to not need her to come round to walk me to school and i went by myself. I also went home by myself afterwards as i had a sister 2 1/2 years older who would already be home from high school by then.

I'm not trying to be obnoxious and as I already said sorry if I'm coming across as harsh.

I think the reason this has made me cross is that lots of women will read threads like this regarding whether to go back to work or not, looking for confirmation of their life choices and take others experiences Into consideration when making their own life choices.
The idea of you finding being a sahm hideous and dull and remaining financially dependant on DH even though you don't want to be because he thinks that women should stay at home incase they miss a school play or picnic, to me seems insane and very sad. I am glad you are happy with your choices but when I read stuff like this I do think it should be challenged.

I didn't realise that your aibu was just to be curious about how other people and schools do things just because you were interested. - and I already answered that

at my sons school there aren't many sahms, a few at each extreme end of the "wealth" spectrum (benefits .....4x4s and a weekly hair appointment)

the rest of us muddle along with part time or flexi working /annual leave/ juggling shifts etc and try and make sure at least one parent makes an event where possible. House prices are too high round here for one parent to stay at home full time (unless on benefits/ incredibly wealthy)

An expectation - who exactly has this expectation? DH? The school? Society in general?

I disagree. Most people I know have 2 working parents - usually full time. And many are in my situation in that there are no family close by. Where we live, most families, at some point, have either used a nanny or a child minder and quite a large proportion (more than the national average, I think) use nurseries from 6 months onwards where they drop off around 8am and pick up around 6pm.

I think it varies greatly depending on where you live.

I'm baffled by the 'expectation' part - have no clue who this expectation relates to...

Sorry but I think your DH has outdated thinking.
I am a single mum, I work for myself, and my parents live an hour away! My DS is 7. There are so many families now who don't 'fit' the stereotype of 2 parents, one of whom works and the other stays at home. In my experience most schools accommodate and respect the different familial situations that their pupils come from.

I don't think there is an expectation as such. Plenty parents book a half day leave for events or have flexible enough employers that they can start early finish early / make up time on another day.
2 full timers here but often wistfully gazed at part timers sahms.

Hopefully your dh is right, it certainly is at my dc school.

Well going back 20 years when DS was born there was definitely an expectation for me to go back to work by DH MIL DM as well as work and my friends. Things whwre i live haven't changed except the maternity leave is longer.
None of my friends gave up work except for one and even then it was when she had 5 teenagers close in age doing gcses,A levels and looking at universities!

I work in a team of 15 and we all have children up to college age and all have worked since mat leave finished.

Not all of us have family around. I only had MIL and she fied when ds2 was 9 months old. We've all managed somehow!

Responding to your OP and not the rest of the thread.

You are both right.

Many (not all) families have two working parents - or at least two parents who are trying/would like to work.

Many (not all) nurseries and schools make demands which assume a parent who is available during the day to attend events/make costumes, cakes etc.

The two are incompatible and this is part of the reason many women give up work.

The answer is not for more women to be SAHM but for schools and nurseries to stop expecting parents to be available in this way. 90% of it is unnecessary IMO.

I have 6 year old daughter. I work 24 hours a week as a h&s adviser. I do so for a number of reasons

1. financial independence and to contribute to the household expenditure
2. maintain my professional status (have to do ongoing CPD so I can call myself a safety professional)
3. for my sanity...watching Jeremy Kyle is not a career choice I EVER want to make!
4. so I have something other than my family to talk about and don't become a mummy bore (none of my close friends have children).

My DH expected me to return to work - no question on that for the reasons given. He doesn't think less of me because I'm not a SAHM (in fact he admires me more for being able to work and still ensure DD attends her afterschool activities). We work as a team so he drops her off at school some days, me others and it works well for us.

If you want to SAH and can afford it, then fine. If however you can't afford to / nor don't want to then you go out to work. Yes there are days I would rather be at home but I think everyone who works has one of those days now and again.

This isn't the 18th century though where woman were expected to run the house and provide the childcare 24/7. If a woman chooses to work then she shouldn't be considered any less of a mother than someone who stays home.