To think DH might be right (though it pains me to say it!)

[burgundyandgoldleaves]

Had a bit of an argument this morning. Do you think I am being unreasonable?

DH has said there is definitely an expectation that someone will be at home during the primary school years. (I was saying something about nativity plays.) I said he was wrong, and it was normal for both parents to work now. He said it was normal in theory but in practice it wasn't because in families where two parents worked they either had grandparents nearby and willing to help or the work was very part time - lunchtime supervisor or similar.

When I thought about it I wondered if he might actually be right. These threads about school plays and assemblies and even things like dropping children off at school seem to assume a parent or a relative will do it.

Or is he being unreasonable?

Even - I think the point is that for many roles, it's assumed you'll be in the office at least 8 - 6, which is fine if you have a SAHP, helpful grandparents or a full time nanny to cover the childcare, if you need to use wrap around childcare, it's just not practical to have what are very standard hours in many jobs and find a childminder/before and after school club that'll have the DCs from 7 - 7. Plus it's a bit shit for the kids - being in a home environment (cared for by family or someone paid) makes those hours a bit more do-able, but not in a group childcare setting.

I don't believe that it is best for children to be away from their parents and in care for that length of time and that it should be encouraged. I also do not understand why parents would want that either. Most of the time IME they don't but claim to have no choice, in reality they do, but they want a big house and 2 foreign holidays and all the things they had before they had kids.

Dinosaurs

Flexible working requests should allow many people to work ten hours but not necessarily 8-6, but absolutely it needs both parents or some other suppprtive family to make that work.

Girl

That's your viewpoint and so you have presumably set your life up that way.

Our set up makes us both very equal on childcare, earnings etc, we spend lots of time as a family at weekends and we go on family holidays also, spending quality time than. Our house is a normal size, I'd say.

Many people have both parents working to make ends meet, though (especially when childcare costs drop in the school years), so talk of fancy holidays etc is misplaced.

I don't believe that it is best for children to be away from their parents and in care for that length of time

Why do you think anyone else should care what you think about it?
Why does this have to descend yet again into a SAH vs WOH debate?
How about you all just run your own families how you see fit and keep your sticky beaks and opinions out of everyone elses?

But the op isn't talking about 8-6 hours in an office, she's thinking about opening a franchise and I assume there's some flexibility which comes with that hard to know for sure without knowing more about the franchise

Fwiw I went back to work when mine were babies so that I could get myself to a more senior position I am in now and have that flexibility which the junior positions in my field wouldn't necessarily have. I appreciate that won't work for everyone.

Yy cind.

Sorry op. Back to your issue!

girl I dont think its an issue with trust about each other not to dare stopping work.

It's more the direct experience that has taught me that stopping work was a VERY bad idea because its extremely hard to get back into similar position of you havent work for 5 or or 11 years (until they have left primary).
Its also the experience that one partner can fall ill and if it is the one who is working, then what happens? (Again first hand experience)

Its the direct experience that when starting secondary, a lot of things can go wrong. Leaving a child on their own until 5.00~6.00pm isn't an issue as such. Leaving them day after day spending all their time on a tablet, leaving them the opportunity not to do homework, to come back home whenever they want (you wont know any of that, no one is there), as well as the fact they will start to socialise with people you know nothing about (not an issue as such but it is when they socialise with the 'wrong sort', ie the type who dont care about school work, etc etc).
When they are at primary, they will be at a childminder, an after school club. They aren't left to their own devices which can easily turn into a nightmare, even with a child who is 'serious, mature and so on'.
My dcs have needed me much more in secondary school that they have needed me during primary years.
So what was supposed to happen? Me stopping work until they are all 20s and at Uni? And in fact me never working ever again, nt being able to support them through Uni, ...
Nope, sorry, for this is far from being an adequate solution.

Yy user some people are to quick to project their own guilt or misinformed opinions on SAHPs V WOHPs and are missing the point here completely

^Why do you think anyone else should care what you think about it?
Why does this have to descend yet again into a SAH vs WOH debate?
How about you all just run your own families how you see fit and keep your sticky beaks and opinions out of everyone elses?^

My apologies, I thought it was an internet forum where posters gave their opinions.

Different strokes and all that.

My apologies, I thought it was an internet forum where posters gave their opinions

On the point at hand, not as an excuse to judge and demean other womens choices. At least not without being challenged for doing so.

You didn't challenge me, you just told me to stop posting.

I had a very brief period where we were all dependant in dh and I hated how insecure I felt. Not because I don't trust him, that was the least or my worries. It was the feeling that all our eggs were in one basket, if something went wrong with his job or health, that I couldn't deal with

You didn't challenge me, you just told me to stop posting

I don't believe I did, can you quote please?

the discussion I think you should be having with him is not the schools expectations but his own Regarding how hands on he is prepared to be

YY, for tow parents to work you do need both parents to be on-board.
Your argument isn't about what schools do or dont. Its about the fact your DH is expecting you to be there on call for any emergency/plays or whatnot whilst he van go to work and have not one care in the world because you will deal with that.
And I will suggest that by wanting to start a franchise, you are looking for that flexibility that will allow you to have a job but still be able to do all the things your DH expects you to do.

In reality, that's not going to work.

I went back to work when dd was 6 weeks old. It was had, and we did have family nearby so got quite a lot of help that way (not without its own problems mind you). TBH I would have used family help a lot less if we could have afforded to send dd to nursery more, but we couldn't.

Pretty well everyone we knew with small children had both parents working, single parents too. Some had family about like we did, but not all.

The most unhappy were the ones who were not doing what they wanted to do (ie SAHP when they wanted to be working, or WOHP when they wanted to be at home).

You have to do what works for you, and maintaining a degree of independence is important to each of you. You should not stay at home just because your h thinks you should; if he thinks a parent should be at home perhaps he'd like to be the one?

Thanks for replies.

I do think this is one of the few times I agree that children are resilient!

burgundy reading back I can see you've mentioned a yr 3 DS and DD in nursery, so DC around 7&3?
Surely by now after 5 years or so at school (nursery to yr3) you've realised first hand what the school expectations are? In my experience they remain fairly consistent every year celebrating most of the same events etc.

Are you trying to work out if your franchise will enable you and DH to meet those expectations?
Or have you already worked out they will, but now DH is not willing to support your new business venture?

I don't mean to sound harsh, but in my mind you've asked a question you should already know the answer to in terms of school expectations and your updates make me think there is more here then meets the eye.

Obvs you don't have to answer if you don't want to, but I don't think you will get any helpful advice or support here until you think about what you really need to know

DS is actually in year 5.

Just because I know what the expectations are doesn't mean I have to agree with them, does it? :) And I think I made it clear the franchise isn't anything to do with the post.

My experience with school is that, if you have the chance to have a new ish HT, they are likely to be more understanding of the pressure of having two working parents.
Our new HT did make a lot of changes when someone explained to him the issues with not giving enough advance notice etc...
The previous one, who went to retire, didn't get it, even though she was a woman so must have known what the issues were.

So maybe, having a word with the HT about it might be worth it.

No you don't have to agree with them, but then what's the point of your aibu?

Your opening op read like you had no or very young DC, and your only reference point was threads you've read here regarding school drop off etc

You then said this came up from a discussion you and DH had about you starting a franchise which by the way, I read that update to mean you didn't want to go into the specifics of the franchise not you saying that it's totally irrelevant.

You mentioned finding being at home dull and not wanting to rely financially on your DH

Of course posters are thinking that you want to work but DH is stopping you.

Now you are saying DS only has 1 year of primary school left and you know the expectations but don't have to agree with them
On that point I agree with you, it's hard to manage but unless this is a stealth sahm boast (and a weird one if you are talking about dullness etc) then I don't see what your aibu is?

Mumsnet is bloody weird sometimes.

I just hope that anyone with young DCs who want to return to work but are worried what the school, neighbours etc will think of them and how they will manage don't read this and think 'ah well it might make me unhappily financially dependant on someone else and living a dull life but I will put up with it as the school might need me short notice to attend a picnic'

I am aware that not all sahms feel this way, in fact all the sahms I know are very happy which is why your post struck me as odd

" You cannot just carry on working 8 - 6 50 miles from where you live with a small child."

Of course you can. Just because you can't be asked with it doesn't make it wrong. I spend far more quality time with my dsd while working full time than some STAHP I know who literally just plonk their kids in front of the tv while they do the housework.

whats the point of your aibu

To ask if people agreed with DH!

Is your Dh saying that he doesn't want you to work whilst your child / children are in primary school or that he doesn't think a franchise that includes Saturday morning classes / groups would be successful?

Look, it doesn't matter what DH says. I didn't start the thread for personal advice.