To think DH might be right (though it pains me to say it!)

[burgundyandgoldleaves]

Had a bit of an argument this morning. Do you think I am being unreasonable?

DH has said there is definitely an expectation that someone will be at home during the primary school years. (I was saying something about nativity plays.) I said he was wrong, and it was normal for both parents to work now. He said it was normal in theory but in practice it wasn't because in families where two parents worked they either had grandparents nearby and willing to help or the work was very part time - lunchtime supervisor or similar.

When I thought about it I wondered if he might actually be right. These threads about school plays and assemblies and even things like dropping children off at school seem to assume a parent or a relative will do it.

Or is he being unreasonable?

I believe that burgundy. I know our head is very concerned that some of the little ones who don't cope well with school are spending too much time there because of wrap around care. It is an over long day for some of them. Unfortunately,I have no idea what the solution is.

Oh, I wasn't doubting the poster! Sorry if it sounded that way - I just think it's an awful thing to say to somebody.

I know you weren't op, it is shocking to think the school might say it, but if the school believes it's one of the reasons a child is struggling, would it be wrong not to mention it?

I think it would be, yes. Completely inappropriate!

I wasnt a latchkey child until I was 11. in the 1970s, my dm did work but very part time, she was a single parent

Your DH is right I think.
For us DH is the SAHP and the school know this. Yet if one of the DC is unwell etc they ring me not him.
The teachers mostly all have DC in other schools and do understand the difficulties of working ft and taking time off for plays, sports day, assembly buuut they are always last minute with their scheduling, sometimes I get as much notice as tomorrow, or a text in the morning to say they are doing something that afternoon that requires my attendance. I don't think the teachers are to blame, but I don't know who's responsible for working out the dates and times.

In summary they understand that parents work full time, but still expect you to be available at a drop of a hat

i remember a child being taken late to school by his gm and often his dm took him, always late, his gm was most protective of her daughter and that fact that she works, as if she was the only mother who dropped their offspring off on the way to work so an exception had to be made

Agree with him

Out of DS's class there are very few with 2 full time working parents.
This has varied over the years, eg one father retired after 25 years in the forces, but the children are still primary school age. Hence he is now SAHP, and his wife works.
Another mother changed roles within teaching so she was more flexible, her husband is self employed so could attend school time activities with some notice.
At the after school club there are no children in for all 10 sessions.

I suspect that as we are up north, and a 3 bed semi in the area can had for around £150K +, that perhaps there is less financial pressure for 2 parents to work full time?

It's over ten years since my younger child left primary school, so things might have changed a bit, but it used to fascinate me that the school was staffed by people working full-time or substantial part-time hours, most of them parents, but they just didn't seem to make the connection that many of the parents were also working and could not all attend daytime events at the drop of a hat. Nor could we all rustle up a dressing up outfit or supervise some sort of exciting project at a few days' notice.

The teaching staff understood that those parents who were teachers would not usually get to school events, but seemed not to grasp that there are other jobs where people can't always get time off in schooltime either. Important dates like Christmas performances were changed late on, which caused huge annoyance and disappointment from parents who had arranged time off for the original date and couldn't now switch it round. School seemed surprised. Inset days sprung on us with a few weeks' notice - major angst for parents trying to arrange childcare. School seemed oblivious. And so on.

When I was at primary school in the 60s and 70s, I have no idea how many mothers were working (all the fathers were), but it wouldn't have been obvious to me because parents were not expected to turn up at school at all, except for the very occasional parents' evenings. We went to and from school on our own and outside school we mostly played in the street, not in each others' houses. Other people's parents just didn't figure in my life at all.

It is interesting, and also the pressure that comes not (just) from teachers but from other parents and from friends and acquaintances.

DD has started saying "I don't want to go to nursery!" which makes me feel bad!

It was an observation from him, not an expectation that either of you stopped work, right?!

Where I live there is usually a parent or grandparent at home or working only during school time. The local primary doesn't have much wrap around care (there's a huge waiting list and it only goes up to 4:30pm anyway). There is one childminder in the village who seems to be taking around 6 kids home from school but everyone else has a parent or grandparent to collect them.

The argument stemmed from different things, but I'm looking to buy a small franchise with a friend and one of the things we were hoping to do was hold toddler groups at weekends. (Bit vague, I know.) DH then was saying it was a waste of time and most mothers stayed at home throughout their child's primary school years.

"DH then was saying it was a waste of time and most mothers stayed at home throughout their child's primary school years."

Gosh.

It is probably worth understanding how many nurseries and childminders there are in your area with children of this age group.

What would happen to older children during the weekend group?

Even, I'm going to sound horribly rude now but if you don't mind, I'd rather not talk about the franchise.

Ok!

When I responded about expectations of SAHPs, it was based on schools often doing things during the day, at last minute etc. I do think schools act as if someone is at home or local at all times (see the odd thread on here about schools trying to insist on an emergency contact within an hour) but that doesn't mean it is true for any given area)

I think your dh is right in that while the reality is generally that both parents work where I live school hasn't quite caught up with this fact (though it is getting better) and still acts as if there is a parent available at all times. Until this term after school club finished at 5:30 and was only 4 days a week meaning it was impossible for someone to manage if they worked 9-5 and had a half hour commute.

This term there have been 3 events that have taken place during the school day. We have taken time off for the Nativity play, but just can't manage all of them. They have also taken to making small announcements using a board put out at school drop off, it took me pointing out that dd goes to breakfast club so we don't see their blooming board for them to start also sending emails out.

As I say, they are getting better and have extended after school club and got better at sending emails for things. However, if dh and I didn't both work relatively near home and have very family friendly employment it would be really very hard.

Ok based on your update I change my mind. Yanbu and DH is wrong.

The expectation is that a parent will be available at the drop of a hat.
Presumably he is just as capable of booking annual leave as you are to cover these?

FWiW I would have thought opening a franchise would give you the best of both worlds in terms of flexibility.

There's 2 other managers including me at my work and we need to schedule holiday round each other with min 2 weeks notice. Luckily both have school age DCs so we work around each other.

Is there other stuff going on you've not mentioned here?
His need for you to be at home circa 1950s seems vvvvvu to me

It's the after school stuff i find hardest to manage. Assemblies etc are rare enough that I can juggle my diary and sneak out for a bit (with enough notice!)

Extra curricular clubs finish at 4, after childminders or after school care have collected but long before I'm able to be there, so dc have to miss out.

I agree with him too. Right up till this year - year 5, almost every child in dd's class had a SAHP. This year they're starting to filter back to work but certainly my experience shows that there's usually one parent at home. This is a London Primary.

I think most people know deep down that having one parent around during the primary school years is in the best interests of the child, hence schools tend to (rightly) gear themselves around this as being a default position.

For a lot of parents, there is really no choice other than to go to work though. IME, the guilt from this leads to a really extreme 'sour grapes' kind of defensiveness (Wouldn't want to be a SAHM even if I won the lottery/SAHM is outdated concept etc)

Its really sad tbh, I wish the world were different so that everyone who wanted to could SAH. People generally make the best choices for their circumstances, but I think a lot of people would prefer that their situation in life afforded them more choices.