To think DH might be right (though it pains me to say it!)

[burgundyandgoldleaves]

Had a bit of an argument this morning. Do you think I am being unreasonable?

DH has said there is definitely an expectation that someone will be at home during the primary school years. (I was saying something about nativity plays.) I said he was wrong, and it was normal for both parents to work now. He said it was normal in theory but in practice it wasn't because in families where two parents worked they either had grandparents nearby and willing to help or the work was very part time - lunchtime supervisor or similar.

When I thought about it I wondered if he might actually be right. These threads about school plays and assemblies and even things like dropping children off at school seem to assume a parent or a relative will do it.

Or is he being unreasonable?

Op

So is this more about your DH not wanting you to work than the choice of work?

I increasingly think I need to be around in the evenings as they get older though, just to be there if needed

Serious question - why do they need YOU ? Couldn't you just pay someone to do it ? What difference would it make ? You said yourself they don't need a parent in the after school until tea time hours, or at breakfast time - so is just weekends and evenings that you spend time with your kids - and if so whose need is being fulfilled ?

I don't think there's anything wrong in being at home, but it seems a shame life is still set up with this assumption.

Serious question - why do they need YOU ? Couldn't you just pay someone to do it ?

Yes of course, mothers are worthless. Anyone will do. This is such an interesting cultural phenomenon whereby motherhood is continually being dismissed as unimportant.

Growing up in the 70s it was unusual to have a SAHM

Was it? I've just come on to say that I grew up 70s/80s, and most of my friends mums were SAH, but the only thing parents were expected to attend (at primary anyway), was the Nativity which was usually scheduled in the evening outside of 'normal' working hours.

These days, I think it's more usual to have both parents working but schools have an expectation that you can drop everything and come to whatever event they're planning that week. They seem to want a lot more parental input these days, from homework to plays, to sports days, to picnic days and everything else they plan.

Oh I agree completely about older children needing "you". When they're little, yes you can pay someone to deal with their issues, kiss them better etc. Once at secondary, although the demands are less from the school, they do need mum or dad to be there when they're needed. It might not be very often, but when their most important friendship has imploded or they've done something stupid/embarrassing who else are they going to talk to?

They need you less, but when they need you they need YOU and they need you now!

"They seem to want a lot more parental input these days, from homework to plays, to sports days, to picnic days and everything else they plan."

Agree!

I don't get this argument at all: that the schools expect one parent to stay at home because nativities and shit are on while people work.

Of course they don't expect that, anyone working in a school knows that there are many working parents. School stuff is on during the day because school is ON during the day.
They expect you to do as much as you can re school stuff, thats all.

All this "omg, they asked if anyone could come read in the morning, don't they know I have a job, why do they expect me to be at home" gubbins is just narcissistic. It's not about you, nobody is considering you personally, you self absorbed madam. They are merely asking if you happen to be free, and you aren't. End of story.

The number of requests has increased because OFSTED requires schools to demonstrate parental involvement. You think they really want you in school?

Sorry, they call it parental engagement

formerbabe

I was being somewhat sarcastic, logically extending the argument that children do not need parents around when they are little.

User

It's more about the shot notice than the timing, tbh.

It does depend on the area, and if you are having this conversation in relation to possibly paying for a franchise assuming there will be weekend demand from working parents, your DH might well be right.

I would also say if the franchise is sports based, it might be worth buying it for weekends - there's a lot of demand for pre-school rugby/football/swimming on weekends around here even though there's usually a parent at home at least part time in the week - usually it's because it's more 'dads' focussed, but if it's a singing, toddler group type thing, then don't waste your money.

I don't think there's anything wrong in being at home, but it seems a shame life is still set up with this assumption.

What is unreasonable about the assumption that a young child will have a parent available should they need them during the day at short notice ? People who do not want that responsibility, need IMO, to think about whether they really want children. You cannot just carry on working 8 - 6 50 miles from where you live with a small child.

" You cannot just carry on working 8 - 6 50 miles from where you live with a small child."

Ah, that's me and DH told then. Cheers for sorting us out!

Even

So you think that it is perfectly reasonable to expect that you can pay someone, and by extension - be able to afford to pay someone - to look after and feed your child from 7.30 AM until 7 at night 5 days a week ? and that this is in the best interests of the child ? I think you are kidding yourself on, does one of you not want to spend more time with the kid ? Do you trust each other so little that you daren't "take your foot off the gas" in order to spend time with your young family ? I just cannot understand it, sorry.

I dont know many families where both parents work full time and its generally the mom doing part time hours. I also dont know many if any families where one is sahp. I think the school system is geared towards one of the parents being available regularly. My dh and i work full time with no relatives or close friends in uk so we rely heavily on our cm being flexible and a real life angel. If we have another child, one of us will need to move to pt hours.

And also - i asked why it was not reasonable to assume that parents would not be me 50 miles from their small child 10 hours a day ?

You cannot just carry on working 8 - 6 50 miles from where you live with a small child

You can't? Well then what have I been doing for the last few years? Was I in a dream?

Op, you have mentioned finding being at home hideous and dull, that you do not want to be financially dependant on your DH and that he is not supporting your decision to start a franchise. He has suggested jobs for you (dinner lady etc) that will never give you financial independence - and I'm not knocking dinner ladies by saying that at all.

Plenty of parents will tell you that yes even though there's an expectation from school to be available short notice they manage, but it does require your DH to be onboard no prepared to be involved.

I'm not sure how old your DC are but the discussion I think you should be having with him is not the schools expectations but his own Regarding how hands on he is prepared to be

OK - fair enough, it was rhetorical. You actually need not look after your kid at all if you don;t want to.

Eh?

My kids were and are in childcare/school 8-6 (to be fair, I misread your post which referred to working not childcare 8-6 - one of us is in work after 8 and the other leaves before 6)

We are each away for more than 10 hours on a typical day, though.

And we trust each other fine. What has that got to do with the price of fish, or indeed, the price of rent?

"I'm not sure how old your DC are but the discussion I think you should be having with him is not the schools expectations but his own Regarding how hands on he is prepared to be"

Yy to this.