Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what you would honestly think of parents who

227 replies

otterlygorgeous · 03/12/2016 13:05

Never turned up to their child's school play, sports day or other events? Did go to parents evenings.

OP posts:
Sugarandsalt · 03/12/2016 22:57

How many events with parental involvement in a term? DD isn't in school yet but this worries me- I'm an NHS worker who can't just cancel lists of patients without several weeks notice. DH has meetings most days which need some weeks notice to cancel. When I was at school there were almost no events parents were expected at- end of year show (evening) and sports day.

BertieBeats · 03/12/2016 22:58

If the parents are working then I think it's perfectly understandable ,and the child will understand when they're older ,especially when they have their own children.
My parents never turned up to any of my events and it wasn't due to working or generally being busy, they just had no interest in me. I'm close to my mum and dad now but there will always be that resentment there (moreso with my mum) as it just feels like she's only interested now that I'm older and don't require anything.
I always make sure I attend ALL my kids events (I'm fortunate enough to only work weekends) as I refuse to let my kids feel like how I did when I was younger.

BlackeyedSusan · 03/12/2016 23:15

teachers generally can not get time off to see their own kids. (maybe ppa time if they have a flexible head/school)

ofyten holiday entitlement is taken up with looking after the children in school holidays for 13 weeks of the year.

I hated not having my mum there though. she had to work. more mums did not work in those days though. she was a teacher so could not get time off whatever. Why my dad did not have time off instead I do not know.

Ginseng1 · 03/12/2016 23:43

Thank goodness our children's Navities are evenings & only parents helping from the pta attend sports day. what a totally crap thing to have to put kids through if their parents can't make it due to work :( Our principals mantra is "I'm a working mother myself so I know what it's like" the parent-teach mtgs are afternoons but they stress if any parent can not make to let them know as they'd try to work around. that's just one afternoon a year (they arrange it so siblings are done in Order)

MrsHathaway · 04/12/2016 08:40

How many events with parental involvement in a term? DD isn't in school yet but this worries me

My school isn't a particularly bad school for this, but so far this term there's been a big charity coffee morning, parents' evening (from 3.30 pm and including looking through the DC's books) and something else which escapes me. Before the end of term we'll have had the nativity (one daytime, one evening), the carol service and the carol concert (daytime). That has meant three half days for me, and two for DH plus leaving early a couple of times.

This is the worst term so probably only double that commitment over a year.

But some schools will invite you to Celebration Assembly when your child wins Star of the Week, and you'll get perhaps 24 hours' notice. I'm really glad ours doesn't do this.

Evergreen17 · 04/12/2016 08:50

My dad never did. He left the house at 8 am and came back at 10 pm every day. He was always working to earn for all of us. Big family.
Dont judge them, I wouldn't

NataliaOsipova · 04/12/2016 08:57

Ok - it's nearly Christmas, and o have two children (same school) but I will have been to a "parents invited" event 10 times in the last month of term! And yes, sadly, you can always spot the glum looking kid whose parent couldn't make it. It's just an irritation for me as I'm a SAHM and can go, but I know it's a real misery for working parents.

MerylPeril · 04/12/2016 09:08

DHs mum went to nothing when he was younger as 'it was nothing to do with her'. (SAHM for much of childhood)
She took no joy in watching her children take part in activities ( all 3 did sport, also some drama, music).
She only went to uni graduations.

DHs 2 brothers forced her to go to somethings for the GC, I don't she enjoyed them.

I try to show my face at everything, even if it's often a waste of time (DD standing at the back) so that's she's seen my face, it does a lot for her confidence I think.

Sugarandsalt · 04/12/2016 09:36

I don't think it's fair of schools to put pressure on parents in this way- occasional event with notice- fine. But school assemblies/coffee mornings etc just presumes someone is at home full time. We have no family nearby who could step in, and assime plenty of others are in a similar situation.

MsAwesomeDragon · 04/12/2016 09:42

I asked my 6yo this morning if it made her dad when other parents can go to things and we can't. She said that yes she does feel a bit sad when we can't go to school things. She understands that it's because of work, and she loves it when grandma and grandad go to see her, but she does wish we could go too.

That does make me feel sorry for her. I absolutely wish that I could go to things, but my head won't allow me to miss a whole morning of work to see something at her school. I will be pushing her dad to organise taking time off/flexibly to go to more things, but he keeps a lot of that to cover times when our cm is away on holiday during term time (I cover holidays).

throwingpebbles · 04/12/2016 09:47

I wouldn't notice what another parent was doing. And I wouldn't judge if I did. My dad never made any events, his job meant he couldn't

But I think some children would be upset if no one came - but no reason it couldn't be another relative or a family friend or similar?

Newmanwannabe · 04/12/2016 09:49

I notice if my DC friends parents aren't at certain things, but I then take a photo of their DC and send it to them. And they do the same for me. We all just do our best.

throwingpebbles · 04/12/2016 09:49

I do make it to most stuff, I am lucky to have flexi time. But I have to get my work done somehow so often end up working till late in the night afterwards

MaterEstIratus · 04/12/2016 09:52

I would notice (but not judge) the parents who never showed up. However I would (and do) judge the parents who turn up for every assembly, play, event but never, ever, ever hear their child read. There are several children in my ds class who only ever read their book to me.

Wolverbamptonwanderer · 04/12/2016 10:55

My twins are not at school yet but I really struggle to understand the dynamics tbh. Why do school think events they put on should be prioritised by the whole family?

Surely you come if you can but no big deal if you can't.

My best friend is an anaesthetist and her husband a judge. If they are scheduled to work then that's the end of it. Or do the school think a woman in labour should just wait for her epidural, or a days worth of immigration hearings should be cancelled?

I mean come on, these things are more important than sports day.

Do schools thing every family has a SAHM parent? Or maybe (quite probably?) they think any job apart from teaching is cushy enough to get out of somehow?

GlitterGlue · 04/12/2016 12:12

Thinking back, there are very few events during the day when I was at school. Sports day was. The nativity may have been? But the main school play & Carol concert were held in the evening. School fairs were on Saturdays. And we never, ever dressed up for anything. And that was a time when the mothers generally were sahm or worked very part time.

I don't think our education suffered because we didn't have a parent popping in to do a craft activity every second week.

On the plus side, it does get easier as they get older. Oh could have gone on a trip last term as a helper, but dc said they'd rather he didn't as it's soooo embarrassing to have your parents help out.

slightlyglitterbrained · 04/12/2016 12:56

It'd be interesting to figure out what has the greatest influence on number of daytime events that request parent attendance.

Is it catchment - lots of SAHPs asking for more events? SMT/head's preferences? Something else?

avamiah · 04/12/2016 17:26

I would never think like that .
It is their business, maybe you should let the school know about your concerns or call Social Services.

lynzeylou · 04/12/2016 17:26

I think it's a shame that they can't make any events but sadly this will be me next year. I'm going into teaching and so will be working for every school event and unable to take time off. My husband will be able to attend a few luckily so they'll have someone there for plays and hopefully sports day. We have no family locally to help either.

Mamafaery · 04/12/2016 17:30

I might wonder occasionally why they're not there, but I'd try to reserve judgement.

Like other people, I'd just assume they had to work. Also, I'm going through a protracted period of ill health and I am disabled...my children are home educated and this allows us a lot of flexibility. There are days when there is just absolutely no way I'd be able to attend any sort of event. I'd usually try to send a co parent or grandparent in my place, but not everyone has such close family or a family that is available at all times.

If the child/children looked downcast at the absence of their caregivers, I'd probably feel a bit sorry for them.

There is of course the possibility that they're terrible parents who can't be bothered with their child, although I think this is the least likely possibility. Attending parents evenings to me would indicate there's some interest.

Basically, I'd try not to think much about it as there's nothing I can do either way!

Number4OnTheWay · 04/12/2016 17:32

As a child I noticed. I wished my parents were there and it upset me. As a sahm, I'm there for everything, because I don't want my children to feel like i did.
However as a parent I don't notice who isn't there and judge them. I empathise when the kids get upset because their parents aren't there to watch their Christmas play, but I recognise there is a struggle and a need to work and it's not always choice.
I honestly don't notice and would never judge if I did

Lamaitresse · 04/12/2016 17:34

I'm a TA so see the other side of this. I wouldn't judge the parents at all - I am in a position where I haven't always been able to go to my sons shows/swimming spectacle at school so I wouldn't ever judge. However, I do see how upset children get when when their parents aren't there. I think it's because the majority of parents are able to go, so when children look out into a sea of faces and don't see their mum or dad it's pretty upsetting.
There was one occasion last year when a single dad couldn't get to our class show (for a very valid reason) and his son managed to hold it together until the end of the show when he just fell apart seeing all the other kids racing off to hugs and kisses. I ended up taking him outside the classroom and sitting with him trying desperately to make him feel better without crying myself. He was so sad 😢

Hettielove · 04/12/2016 17:36

I honestly cant remember whether my parents were at school plays or not know they went to every parents evening as i still recall their disappontment as i was such a naughty child Grin

arrivaarriva · 04/12/2016 17:46

My question would be - would you judge a school that organised parent's "evenings" in the day and any event for children within the working day and gave less than 2m notice thus setting apart children with working parents? I would and did and told them my thoughts - managed somehow and my kids did fine.

Wolverbamptonwanderer · 04/12/2016 18:04

Agree Arriva. Many of my working friends are governors for this exact reason- to promote the needs of working parents