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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what you would honestly think of parents who

227 replies

otterlygorgeous · 03/12/2016 13:05

Never turned up to their child's school play, sports day or other events? Did go to parents evenings.

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 03/12/2016 17:34

I'd assume they were working tbh.

Yes it's sad but schools don't always give alot of notice. And on fairness there seems to be so much these days that parents have to attend.

Not just parents evening shut nativity plays carol concerts or meetings about trips or grand parebts days and this new FUDGE thing that seems to be all the rage not to mention asking for assistance at stalls fir numerous easter/xmas/ day that ends in a Y fundraiser events...

I'm usually able to go however that's cos I work evenings which means I'm. Not home to help much with bed times or homework several nights a week.....

Is that any better?

I do feel safe fir the kids sometimes but I do also make a point of saying well done or whatever to those kids who's parents were unable to come and see them.. not sure that makes them feel any better or not really but hey....

WorraLiberty · 03/12/2016 17:40

This was being discussed on TV the other day and I can't remember who it was, but she said even though her parents would tell her they couldn't make nativity plays/sports days, she still used to look at the parents as they entered the hall/field, in the hope they would come anyway.

maggiethemagpie · 03/12/2016 17:45

I'd think they worked full time and couldn't make it.

I've only made the nativity play this year by pretending to have a doctors appointment.

It is hard to juggle full time work and being a mum.

SirChenjin · 03/12/2016 17:45

It is horrible when you can't make these school events Sad. DH and I always try to make the main events like the Nativity, but can't always make the 'come and make a junk model/see our artwork' type thing.

Arfarfanarf · 03/12/2016 17:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pinkunicornsarefluffy · 03/12/2016 18:00

I don't judge others who can't attend, but I remember seeing kids crying last year who didn't have their mums there, and don't want that to be my child. I remember being that child, aged 7, crying because I was the only child whose mum didn't go to the carol concert and I will never do that to my child.

Notonthestairs · 03/12/2016 18:16

If I have managed to get myself to the play or whatever, I honestly have no time and energy for keeping tabs on other parents. I wouldn't have any idea who was there and how ofter.

^ This ^

Mulberry72 · 03/12/2016 18:20

I'd think it was none of my business and concentrate on my own child.

Wolverbamptonwanderer · 03/12/2016 19:14

I find this really strange because I remember being chronically embarrassed by my parents and didn't want them at anything ever (my parents are not actually, particularly embarrassing)

bumpetybumpbumpbump · 03/12/2016 19:22

Id feel sad.

I've worked in schools and it's very rare that with give and take, something could not be arranged.
There are evening performances.

Most people have annual leave. Everyone knows they need to save times for nativity plays and sports days. It's all about priorities. Where there's a will there's a way.

NataliaOsipova · 03/12/2016 19:24

Schools take the mick with this sort of thing. I say this....and I'm a SAHM! Half of the things for parents to attend are just unnecessary (in my opinion at least!). It's great to encourage kids to speak in front of an audience....but this can be an audience of teachers, peers and other kids. It doesn't have to be parents. In fairness to schools, I know there is a vocal group of SAHPs who want to be "involved" in that way and they feel like they have to be seen to be open. But most of the time I'm convinced its done for the benefit of (those) parents rather than for the kids.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 03/12/2016 19:25

If my life was sheltered enough to notice. I wouldn't give a shiny shit. Ive got enough worries of my own.

brasty · 03/12/2016 19:35

Sad to see that some on here would judge this, without any understanding of the realities for some.

LBOCS2 · 03/12/2016 19:36

I wouldn't think anything of it.

DM was a senior civil servant and DDad worked in the City. They very rarely made school events which happened during the day. I knew this was because they had to work, and accepted that. I also knew that if it was in the evening they would move as much around as possible to make it. That's the reality for working parents, it is what it is.

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 03/12/2016 19:43

I went to one last year. My school year finished a day earlier than DS's so I could finally make it to the last one of the year.
DH managed some. Other relatives not optional.

There are considerably more events open for parents as DS's school than there were when I was at school. His catchment is quite a mix of FT/ PT and SAHP.

Yawnyawnallday · 03/12/2016 19:46

I would assume working parents whose hearts are breaking at missing stuff. Our school is crap at giving notice of actual dates and it is often really tough to get time off. I work from home and can normally attend most things but my husband has a long commute and has to pick carefully (as well as haggle with other parents at work) so that he can attend. If we both commuted, I would be in the same position. And I would probably shed a little tear at threads like this.
Please don't judge parents who don't get to most things, op.

MrsRyanGosling15 · 03/12/2016 19:49

My parents never went to anything at my school. Dm single parent and always working, DF not well/in a fit state. I always felt sad, even in grammar school. I knew she would never be coming but it didn't stop me looking out for her. I do often wonder why she couldn't use 1 day annual leave even just for sports day, so 1 day a year. It's really not too much to ask. My grandparents minded us after school, every Friday night and during holidays so now that I'm older (and in the same profession) I do judge her for not making more of an effort. My ds felt just the same. I only work 1 13hr shift 1 week and 2 the next week now because of this. I refuse to miss anything due to work and have my kids feel like I did.

5moreminutes · 03/12/2016 19:56

Nobody notices (staff might, other parents don't)

The people who bleat on and on about not being able to help out/ being unable to cope with training day closures or irregular pick up times due to trips because I work doncha know invariably turn out to work 2 days a week, or mornings only, or 10-2, or work a few hours a month doing their DH's business' accounts...

I notice the ones who have sahm bashing public tantrums about how nothing should ever happen in the conventional 9-5 day and always turn out to work very part time whilst people who actually can't do xyz because of some hugely demanding full time jobs keep their mouths shut and nobody notices what they do or don't attend.

I classed myself as a sahm when I worked 3 evenings a week and got sahm bashed and told it was "alright for you" when I offered to look after another mum's child after a nursery trip (we were asked to pick up when the trip got back, half an hour earlier than normal closing time) - turned out the angry mum worked 10-2, 4 days a week, for an older child's school runs (so not much more than I did) and could have easily dealt with the early closing she was objecting to when I offered to help...

yeOldeTrout · 03/12/2016 19:58

How do you notice?? Do some people keep spreadsheets Hmm

Unicornsarelovely · 03/12/2016 20:08

bumpety - could you let my DCs' school know that all schools go evening performances - they appear to have forgotten.

DS is in KS1 and their nativity is 9.30 on a Wednesday morning. DD is in ks2 and their carol service is 1.30pm on Friday. I'm not allowed to take leave in smaller increments than a day do that would be two days leave gone out of 24 before sports days x2 (different days for different ks), summer concerts etc. The children know I get to what I can.

TheSnorkMaidenReturns · 03/12/2016 20:12

If I noticed I would assume people were working and couldn't get away. I've mostly worked flexibly since my kids were at school, doing anything from 1 day a week to impossible hours. I've mostly managed to fit in school events but sometimes I just can't. About 30-50 of my working days are arranged a year or so in advance. I can't miss them or I'd lose my job. My carefully arranged part-time job which enables me to be around for the kids as much as possible.

When the kids were little, if we couldn't make events, friends would share the extra kids and make them feel special.

I think it's extra tough for teachers.

Mathsmess · 03/12/2016 20:15

My 40 days annual leave comment was based on 20 days per parent. So 40 between them.

Interesting that the posters on here whose parents didn't turn up now make sure they are always there for their kids.

Every term we have an open evening after school pick up to look at the kids books. I judge the parents who turn around and leave because they just want to get home.

HelenaJustina · 03/12/2016 20:21

Another 'assume they were teachers' here. My Mum is one, she can't just take a half day holiday or go in late...

BearsDontDigOnDancing · 03/12/2016 20:25

I honestly do not remember any concerts or sports days at school, so don't remember if my mom turned up or not.

I do only work part time, and DH works from home, however, he rarely is able to make the stuff in the day, since he has meetings etc or stuff to do ( on the opposite side of this his work is generally quiet in the school holidays so he can have them at home, even if they don't go out and about)

I will turn up to something if it is on my day off, since I work 3 days a week, however, if it is on a day I work, I cannot just book AL (as usually I get 1-2 weeks notice) or like last year, when I knew in advance when sports day was, I booked that as a day off, then it got moved due to weather so could not make the new date.

If I cannot make something I tell the kids, and they are fine with it. They know I go to what I can, and are fine when I cant go to other things.

I prefer to keep my Annual leave for when they are on holiday, so I use my AL for Christmas, Easter and the Summer.

TreehouseTales · 03/12/2016 20:30

Mrsryan... I'm the same. I actually can't face returning to teaching for a number rof reasons but noone being there for my kids performances/sports day/assemblies as you just can't change days is one of them

I've moved into a v w/c area which is a culture clash to me in many ways but there does seem more of an expectation that somebody would be there or you look for work around children.

Presumably in a wealthy london suburb there'd be less expectation that a parent would be around.