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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what you would honestly think of parents who

227 replies

otterlygorgeous · 03/12/2016 13:05

Never turned up to their child's school play, sports day or other events? Did go to parents evenings.

OP posts:
Patriciathestripper1 · 03/12/2016 20:35

That they are missing out on special bits of their children's lives that they will never get back.
(I'm not judging them just feel sad for them)

MsAwesomeDragon · 03/12/2016 20:38

My parents never made it to things in the day either, not that there were many of them. They were both teachers, so they were at work. Sometimes our grandma came to things, but only if it was her day off. We never felt bad about it, we knew they couldn't come because they were working.

My dd's are the same. They know dh and I are working. We generally try to arrange a grandparent to go and watch, but that's not always possible either. Occasionally or cm has gone to watch with the preschool mindees, because it's fun for them to see sports day. Or a friend's parent will speak to dd and tell her how amazing she was, one even videoed an assembly for me once which was nice.

BearsDontDigOnDancing · 03/12/2016 20:43

jeez, " missing out on special bits of their children's lives that they will never get back", yeah really, as I cant make it to a maths workshop once a term, or whatever else is going on?

I do not feel sad for me, my kids do not feel sad because I miss out on tiny parts of their school life.

Keepingupwiththejonesys · 03/12/2016 20:46

I wouldn't notice I don't think. If I did of assume they worked.

Finola1step · 03/12/2016 20:54

I was a primary school teacher for many, many years. Yes, there was something I noticed and did indeed judge. The very, very small number of parents who never attended any event. No assemblies, no sports days, no Parents' Evenings. The same parents that needed to be chased for permission for trips. The same parents who never wrote comments in reading record books. But invariably, this was not a working situation.

I never judged the parents who couldn't make events because they were working their backsides off. Never. I have missed many school events for my own dc.

But I have and will judge those parents who choose not to engage with their dc's school. Everytime.

starchildareyoulistening · 03/12/2016 20:57

I'd probably feel a bit sorry for the parents tbh, I'm sure most parents would want to attend if they could (I'm thinking things like reception nativity here rather than coffee mornings). A colleague of mine had permission to leave work for an hour the other day to see her little girl's first school play - sadly an emergency surgery meant that she didn't get to go, and I felt for her.

maddiemookins16mum · 03/12/2016 20:59

I missed loads (Nativities, Assemblies etc). I was at work. I explained why. My DD never really cared to an extent. I tried for some and DGM went for some.

BetweenTwoLungs · 03/12/2016 21:00

Completely agree with Finola

Also interesting comparing this thread to one running at the minute asking whether they need to take their child back for the evening performance as they won't be seeing it. You can't win either way.

Andcake · 03/12/2016 21:14

Feel a bit sorry for parents but more sorry for child. We have had incidents of reception children crying because other parents are there and theirs aren't - heart breaking!

Caprianna · 03/12/2016 21:30

I am jealous. Nativity plays etc bore me to tears. I think the parents who are not there are lucky and that their children are just fine. Not that I would notice if the parents were bot there.

Parker231 · 03/12/2016 21:41

DH and I missed loads of school events. We both work ft. DH is a GP and can't realistically cancel a session of appointments and I don't work local to school and regularly work abroad. Our DT's understand and if we couldn't attend we would try get arrange for grandparents or other family members to.

RaspberryOverloadTheFirst · 03/12/2016 21:42

Two parents with 40 odd days annual leave between them? I'd wonder (and do) wonder why they don't turn up occasionally.

Perhaps because we're having to save that leave to cover school holidays, as not all of us have alternative childcare to hand. DP's parents are dead, and mine are very frail so no way could they help. Paid childcare around here in school holidays is rubbish. Nothing before 8am, and nothing later than 5pm, and with our commutes, this wouldn't be doable.

Still we managed to get to some events during the day, and always attended evening events/parents evenings. They're teens now, so the childcare thing is in the past, but it was so hard to juggle at the time.

DrScholl · 03/12/2016 21:42

I would feel sorry for the kid

I am a teacher of 20 plus years

Caprianna · 03/12/2016 21:46

Surely teachers also understand that parents work and cannot get time off? Most holiday entitlement has to go towards covering school holidays so not often possible to take time off for school events. IMO primary schools still don't get that parents work and cause a lot of upset for these children by arranging constant assemblies etc The off sports day or nativity should be more than enough.

Phineyj · 03/12/2016 22:02

Teacher here too. DH goes to most things and my DMum did the first nativity. But if you're feeling sorry for my DC (she didn't notice I wasn't there as so thrilled by presence of Nana), shouldn't you be glad I'm at work teaching all those other people's children - they might be yours!

DrScholl · 03/12/2016 22:04

i have a job with a head who let me go for things
Plus worked part time to enable this.

I earn stuff all, a sacrifice SO I can do parenting properly #judgy

Smartiepuf · 03/12/2016 22:12

Tbh id just feel sorry for the kids. It must be shit not having someone there for them.

MrsRyanGosling15 · 03/12/2016 22:15

I must say though if you asked my DM she would and has said, "oh the girls understood I had to work, they didn't mind" We did mind, alot, just didn't want to upset her by telling her.

Gileswithachainsaw · 03/12/2016 22:17

Tbh id just feel sorry for the kids. It must be shit not having someone there for them

Be even shitter to be homeles and hungry....

Sure parents would get there if they could but people do need to work...

Believe me you still pay a huge price fir having a job that enables you to be there..

slightlyglitterbrained · 03/12/2016 22:29

"missing out on special bits of their children's lives that they will never get back"

I've been trying to remember any occasion in primary school where my parents attended. I can't remember a single one. I suspect they probably missed some, came to others, but I honestly can't remember - nor do I remember looking for them. So, a big ODFOD on the special moments eh?

I have a vague memory of them attending a couple of secondary school evening things. Prob cos they needed to give me a lift home.

They were very involved and engaged with our lives. I wouldn't have seen any point in them trooping along to sports day or school assemblies.

DP and I will try to go to the occasional thing, and are lucky enough to both work part-time. But everything or even most stuff? Nah. Frankly swapping an hour of not interacting with my child but watching from a distance, for a day of summer holiday doesn't sound very clever to me.

witsender · 03/12/2016 22:33

People notice. Other parents, kids, teachers etc. Of course they do, if the same people are always missing. That's not to say that they judge, but they notice.

Smartiepuf · 03/12/2016 22:37

Rather dramatic reply to my earlier comment. Guilt does funny things to a person.

Kids always remember when they feel let down.

slightlyglitterbrained · 03/12/2016 22:41

Clearly not coming to primary school events was no let down for me, eh Smartie? Cos I don't remember any disappointment.

Gileswithachainsaw · 03/12/2016 22:43

Tbh smartie I think things have gone excessive both in employment and with schools making it impossible to strike a balance.

There always seems to he something these days. The more they try and encourage parental involvement the more impossible it is fir people to be involved..

And given mamy employers these days barely accept a coma as a good reason to not make it in people are naturally wary if taking time off to attend things....

One big catch 22

I'd much rather have weekends free and evenings free with my kids than the days free to attend stuff...

Honestly I feel I miss far more doing what I do. I barely even get to eat with my kids any more..

glitterazi · 03/12/2016 22:47

I go to every school play and sports day, but that's because I'm a SAHM.
I can honestly say I don't ever notice if someone doesn't come to all or any of them!
If for some reason I did notice they never came, I'd just assume they couldn't make it as at work or something like that.
I certainly don't notice though as I go to see my kids plays or whatever, and usually just too wrapped up in my own head. Grin

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