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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what you would honestly think of parents who

227 replies

otterlygorgeous · 03/12/2016 13:05

Never turned up to their child's school play, sports day or other events? Did go to parents evenings.

OP posts:
Kennington · 03/12/2016 16:13

That they work.
Having so many parents in schools is a relatively new thing and I don't remember minding my parents not coming to 90 percent of things as a child.

MoonriseKingdom · 03/12/2016 16:14

My parents went to parents evening but not to sports days, assemblies etc. They worked full time. It was unusual- a lot of my friend's mum's were SAHMs or had part time jobs. I didn't mind but I knew they would have loved to have attended if their jobs were more flexible. I am hoping I will be able to do some of these things when the time comes but I certainly wouldn't judge anyone who wasn't able to.

MrsHathaway · 03/12/2016 16:15

11.2 weeks' leave between two parents. 13 weeks of school holidays. I wouldn't expect anyone to use up holiday for a school-day event.

SirChenjin · 03/12/2016 16:15

Two parents with 40 odd days annual leave between them? I'd wonder (and do) wonder why they don't turn up occasionally

I work in the public sector so get 40-odd days now - staff who are newer to the organisation get far less. DH - senior role in a private company - gets far less that 40 days, around 20 days plus PH. Our holidays are precious - we use them to cover the endless school holidays, and even then we have to top up substantially with paid childcare. Fair enough, our choice to have children, but the 'just take annual leave, everyone gets plenty' is not always possible.

I agree with PP. I wish schools would give us dates well in advance, would stop hosting things in the middle of the day, and would cease their belief that every child has a raft of relatives who can attend if parents can't.

TreehouseTales · 03/12/2016 16:17

In our area it's really noticeable and.often the same few parents each time. It's really hard when they have their little "show off things they've made" thing at the end of school and there's infant school kids not really being sure why noones there for.them.

Yes sometimes they cry :( similarly if they're the ome child that doesn't have the dressing up/ pound for.the present sale.or whatever.

I think if I couldn't make something I'd try hard to rope.someone in to watch or Prime a friend and tell the child the friend is watching. Having been at a ton of these things those without parents are sometimes sad.

My parents didn't come to award ceremonies etc. Im well aware what ot feels like

bibbitybobbityyhat · 03/12/2016 16:19

Oh yes, that never ending pot that is 40 days annual leave.

So helpful when primary school children have 70 days off per year (holidays and inset days, not even counting sick days).

Of course the above average quota of 40 days AL leaves plenty of time for attending school events Hmm.

TreehouseTales · 03/12/2016 16:24

And my phone doesn't like me typing on it :( apologies.

youarenotkiddingme · 03/12/2016 16:24

Because some children only have 1 parent and if that parent works in education too they don't get AL.

The offset of that is we get the holidays with our children.

So no, I don't make plays etc. But i make other memories.

brasty · 03/12/2016 16:33

I get 20 days annual leave.

Inertia · 03/12/2016 16:39

I would think that the parents worked and couldn't get time off. Teachers can't, many NHS staff can't. Nobody judges.

Pineapplemilkshake · 03/12/2016 16:46

Honestly, I would assume they didn't think it was important enough for them to attend. Obviously many people can't get days off for ALL school events, but could surely manage one or two. My BIL for example - he never attends any of his DC's school events - even the ones that take place on the evenings or at weekends.

I have a fairly full-on job (single handed GP) and was a single parent until 3 years ago, and still managed not to miss events.

TeacupDrama · 03/12/2016 16:48

many parents need to save their annual leave for school holidays
2 lots of 28 days annual leave =56days with no overlap at all. most parents wish to take a least one week of the holidays together and some days like christmas they maybe both off so if assume both have the same bank holidays and 1 week of summer together that leave both with 15 days free choice to cover the rest of school holidays and events ie 30 days
school holidays 13 weeks plus 5 in service etc = 70 days - the eight bank holidays and 5 family holiday = 57 days
so they have 30 days annual leave to cover 57 days holiday and sports days etc so there is already 27 days uncovered so it can seem better to take a days annual leave to spend a whole day with the child during the holidays rather than days annual leave to attend a 30 minute assembly, 1 hour play etc
fortunately DH is self employed so he can sometimes be flexible I need a months notice as book patients which can't be re-arranged I probably make nativity and sports day but nothing else between us we make half but can always make stuff in evenings,however the school is generally good about plenty of notice
if a parent isn't at a day time event I would assume they were at work

YokoUhOh · 03/12/2016 16:50

sellfridges has it. Teachers' working days will always clash with these events and we can't take annual leave for obvious reasons. I'm a music teacher and Christmas involves 80 hour weeks when the myriad concerts are taken into account; these will always clash with school events.

greenfolder · 03/12/2016 16:51

I would assume that their parents were teachers

MsAwesomeDragon · 03/12/2016 16:52

I'd never ever notice because I am that parent. Events that are in the evenings, i go to, as long as I don't have my own parents evening to do, but I can't go to anything during the day. I made it to one sports day, because I was on mat leave. Dd didn't care, she wanted to know why I was there instead of grandad Confused.

I don't think people notice, do they? Am I being judged because I don't go to anything more than parents evenings?

Quintessing · 03/12/2016 17:04

I would turn it around a bit and ask:

What do you think about a society that regularly make a point of upsetting children who have working mothers who cant attend events during working hours?

I think it is just another example of a discrimination against women, in a society where women have to work to make ends meet, they are penalized and guilt tripped by their childs school.

Some cultures make all school events after regular working hours so that as many parents as possible could come.

But even that may be hard in a country with the longest working hours in Europe......

{prepares to be flamed}

Flyingbellycopters · 03/12/2016 17:16

That they work. But who the hell notices?

Katedotness1963 · 03/12/2016 17:21

I used to volunteer at the kids school. I was spending about half the week there between the different things I did. Yes, I judged the parents who never showed up for anything. I watched their kids looking hopefully towards the door when they heard someone coming down the hall. I was the one they asked if their mum or dad were coming today. Yes, kids get upset, sometimes they cry, they want cuddles and they want someone to do the craft with/listen the their stories.

myfavouritecolourispurple · 03/12/2016 17:26

I wouldn't notice as another parent and if I did notice I wouldn't care because it does not affect me or my family or friends. I can't get judgey about stuff that doesn't affect me. I do get judgey about things that do affect me, eg letting your kids use a scooter in a busy shopping centre (happened today).

As for whether the kids themselves notice - maybe they do, maybe they don't. All kids are different. Some kids might want their parents there, some might not notice whether they are there or not. But some parents might not want to run the gauntlet of judgey parents for whatever reason and therefore don't go to a school event unless they absolutely have to.

WorraLiberty · 03/12/2016 17:26

I wouldn't notice.

But if I did, I'd assume the parents can never take any holiday or any kind of leave.

I think mostly, kids just want someone to be there to see them perform.

It doesn't have to be parents, it can be grandparents/aunts/uncles or even adult siblings.

You can normally see their eyes scanning the room Xmas Grin

SirChenjin · 03/12/2016 17:27

Kate - did you find out why the parents were not able to attend? What did the school do to make these events more inclusive?

Original poster
otterlygorgeous · 03/12/2016 17:30

To be honest Kate, I'm sure you're lovely but you do sound like rather a busybody!

OP posts:
Stickerrocks · 03/12/2016 17:31

I would assume they had a career like me, but as I was rarely able to attend, I wouldn't have been there anyway to care. On the odd occasion I went to something, most of the other parents were either busy with whinging toddlers who didn't want to be there or standing up to record the magical event on their iPhone for the other missing members of their family. I'm so glad that you Don't have to worry once they hit the later years of junior school onwards.

MsAwesomeDragon · 03/12/2016 17:31

But if kids are crying because the think someone is coming, that's not the same as parents who can't come and have explained to the kids why they can't make it. Yes, if you can't go to things you need to talk to your child and say "I would really love to be at your play/event/assembly/etc, but I really can't be there because I need to work/have a hospital apt/am not allowed to bring the baby". I might judge families who allow the children to hope they'll be there then don't turn up, but I would never judge a family where a child knows their parents are working.

Also, mothers shouldn't be taking all the flack here. Around here it's a rare father who attends school events, but somehow they don't get/feel the same judgement as the mothers who miss the same events, for exactly the same reason (work).

SirChenjin · 03/12/2016 17:33

Also, mothers shouldn't be taking all the flack here

Couldn't agree more.