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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what you would honestly think of parents who

227 replies

otterlygorgeous · 03/12/2016 13:05

Never turned up to their child's school play, sports day or other events? Did go to parents evenings.

OP posts:
brasty · 03/12/2016 14:13

Schools should stop thinking we live in some idealised 1950s scenario with GPs and mum able to go to the school with not much notice. As if all we had to do was rearrange lunch with our friends.

Most parents now days work. Most will work during school hours. And many are in jobs where taking leave off at short notice is just not possible. The schools are setting children up to be disappointed or upset. Yes some parents don't care. But if you act like we are living in the 1950s, then the school is in the wrong.

GlitterGlue · 03/12/2016 14:14

Schools could make it so much easier for people who work, have caring commitments etc. How about don't have every event mid morning. And publish a list of dates and times at the start of the term, or school year if possible, so people can try and book leave.

It's not as if they suddenly think SHIT, best chuck on a nativity next Tuesday, they've been practising it for weeks, but guarding the date as if was the bloody Crown Jewels.

TheTartOfAsgard · 03/12/2016 14:18

I try to attend as much as I can but I'm a single parent (dad not on the scene) and I work full time so am regularly changing parents evening and rarely went to plays/concerts. I really hope I'm not judged as I am trying my best for the dc and they understand that I can't always be there. I do always try make sure another parent includes my dc in photos/cheer them on etc and I do the same on the odd occasion I can attend for kids whose parents couldn't be there.

brasty · 03/12/2016 14:18

Two parents with 40 odd days annual leave between them? I'd wonder (and do) wonder why they don't turn up occasionally.

Yes we can take annual leave, if the school give us decent notice. It is NOT our choice. Give us a list of events at the start of term. Not just a week or two weeks notice. My DP can not take leave unless given a months notice. I have things booked in for 3 weeks ahead that I can not get out of. If the event falls during one of these days, I will not be given time off. As part of my work I organise events. Every week there are at least 2 big events I have been organising for months, that I would be sacked if I was not there.

I understand there are some office jobs where you can take leave at very short notice. Not all of us have those jobs. So judge away at those of us trying to keep a roof over our kids heads, and so not being able to go to these events.

Bythebeach · 03/12/2016 14:22

I was that child because my parents both worked full time and they used their annual during my school holidays rather than to attend school events. I knew I was loved and didn't feel neglected as such but I felt alone and unsupported when all the other kids had their parents there and I was a very anxious child. I think it is different now to when I was a kid because back then so many were SAHMs and it was an oddity to have two full time working parents. If I saw a kid with parents never there and I knew them, I'd assume their parents worked full time and would try to remember to say something nice to the kid on their performance. For my own kids, I couldn't be that parent and wouldn't have wanted to raise my kids with that level of work commitment. I can't make everything but I make it to most!

lalalalyra · 03/12/2016 14:25

I've only ever noticed this once, and thats because it was part of a bigger picture of a parent whose child was an inconvenience to them and I noticed it because of something the child said to one of mine.

Other than that I don't even notice the other parents really. I'd certainly just assume that they were working.

One of the good things about the new HT at DS's school is that she has younger children and believes it's important to give parents the chance to attend things by setting dates for things far in advance (like I already know the date of the Easter assembly for example). She says she can very, very rarely go to her kids' stuff because she can't just take an hour off with three days notice so she doesn't expect anyone else can.

GlitterGlue · 03/12/2016 14:27

Yes, OH has had to book most of his leave for next year already. I can occasionally get a half day at short notice, but it's tricky. So I'm not going to be going to the Carol concert (just over a week's notice - they hold it every year though).

I think if you can go then it's important to do so at least occasionally, and obviously make sure the child knows you'd be there with bells on if you could. MIL still talks about how nobody ever bothered to go to any of her events, even though her mother could have gone. It's the not being bothered that was more hurtful than the not going.

DrLockhart · 03/12/2016 14:30

Two parents with 40 odd days annual leave between them? I'd wonder (and do) wonder why they don't turn up occasionally.

I agree with Bratsy's response here.

Dates in advance, time off work is doable.

Dates with 2-3 weeks notice, time off so difficult.

I sorted all events out for dd's school with work between September and December, only to receive a text last Friday for a "parent see their child's work" morning on the following Thursday. Impossible for both our jobs to sort out.

Luckily our dd understands not everything can be attended, I couldn't GAF if I'm judged for not going.

diamondofdoom · 03/12/2016 14:33

I wouldn't notice, unless I was maybe the teacher.

Why?

EggysMom · 03/12/2016 14:35

I'm laughing at the idea of schools giving more than 2-3 weeks notice.I'm lucky if we get ONE week's notice for an event at our son's school. As I result, I barely make any parents evening (which are actually afternoons), fairs, or stay'n'play sessions.

Our son's been at this school for three years now, so I've been pointing this out to his teachers, the admin and the Head for three years. Nothing's changed. Still virtually no notice for an event.

EllaHen · 03/12/2016 14:38

I attend nothing as I am a teacher quite some distance away.

Dh does sports day.

Granny attends the odd thing.

My dc understand that their parents work.

As a child I expected my parents to take an interest in my day and to attend Parents' Evenings. Dh and I do this. My dc are resilient enough to cope.

rookiemere · 03/12/2016 14:40

I would probably not notice, but I was a bit judgey-pants of the DM who posted on FB about how sad it was that she didn't make sports day and all the places her DCs had got in the races. No mention of the DF who wasn't there either.

Either go or don't go, but posting on FB about how proud your are of them, without actually making the effort to be there is a bit cringe-worthy.

There is back story by the way, which probably impacts on my opinion.

We certainly don't make it to everything, but at least one of us is there for the biggies - sports day and once a year concert. I'm part time and juggle to make it work or DH, who is a contractor - takes unpaid leave. I know it's hard to make it in some occupations, but if you get decent advance notice then it's nice for the DCs if at least one parent is there for the events that matter to them.

Atenco · 03/12/2016 14:40

Schools could make it so much easier for people who work, have caring commitments etc. How about don't have every event mid morning

Oh definitely. I remember feeling horrible when my mum didn't attend my events, so I would definitely judge a parent who could attend but didn't, however schools would do well to avoid these situations as much as possible.

SukeyTakeItOffAgain · 03/12/2016 14:40

In my experience as a teacher, the parents who never ever came to parents evenings weren't the ones who were working. I wouldn't notice if someone's parents weren't at sports day or a play.

Mathsmess · 03/12/2016 15:02

First newsletter in September has all the dates for that term at our school.

brasty · 03/12/2016 15:03

When I went to school, parents evenings were actually in the evening, at a time that parents who worked could easily make it.

RichardBucket · 03/12/2016 15:04

Like most others, I'd assume they had jobs that didn't allow them to get away at those times.

zeeboo · 03/12/2016 15:07

I would think they should have used their annual leave and attended these events. I know a parent who thinks nothing of taking leave to go away with her Dh or on a spa day but never goes to her daughters events because it is "a waste of a day off"
Funnily enough her child is very bratty and manipulative with her peers and it's all through insecurity. I've seen her face fall as all the others catch their Mums eye in the audience and wave ecstatically.

Isitjustmeorisiteveryoneelse · 03/12/2016 15:07

Yep, assume they're working. Though the children I knew well enough to notice wether or not the parents weren't there were the ones whose parents I knew anyway, and it wa because they were working. I could go as I was SAHM. I always used to say to my friend who worked full time, don't worry I'll clap and cheer DD for you. I felt sorry for the working mums/dads that could never attend, not judgemental.

But anyway, we may not judge, but someone is....
Saw in the news earlier (sorry no link, it was a hard copy) that a primary school in Nottingham is 'grading' parents A to D on how supportive they are to their children. Any parent deemed unsupportive will be expected to attend meetings with the head. Supportive apparently includes attending sports day, plays, concerts etc. And apparently Sir Michael Wilshaw has applauded this? Nice.

kaitlinktm · 03/12/2016 15:09

But Sukey - would you be able to attend your children's parents' evening if it clashed with one at your own school?

Lilylonglegs · 03/12/2016 15:11

I don't think I would notice but as a kid whose parents never turned up to anything I would go out of my way to attend everything humanly possible for my own child.

InsultingTheAlligator · 03/12/2016 15:11

I always feel immensely grateful that I work from home and more or less have charge of my own hours - as does DH if he is in the country. It means that I can make most things. I don't take that for granted at all, and feel very much for the parents I know who are more constricted as to what they can do.

SeaEagleFeather · 03/12/2016 15:31

I'd judge depending on how involved they seemed in other ways. If they turned up to parent's evening and were generally engaged and interested, it's a shame about sports day but it's the way it is sometimes.

If they turned up but weren't interested and never responded to emails and the kids looked as if their parents weren't interested, yes I'd say something was off.

megletthesecond · 03/12/2016 16:07

glitter the dc's school is very good and gives us dates months in advance. Usually in the July for the following academic year.

Unicorn1981 · 03/12/2016 16:10

I've just started a full time job and feel really torn that I can't go to a lot of the things that I'm being sent letters home for. DP has to go on school trip because I can't and I'm gutted. And dd has a Christmas event that I'm having to work extra hours to make up the time for so I can go. Don't judge.