To be annoyed at being called "Mrs"

[Level75]

I kept my surname when I got married, so I'm Ms Level. Mrs Level is my mum. AIBU to be irritated when people call me Mrs Level. Is there any polite way to set them straight?

Fizz, you're 23 and you thought that?! I thought you'd be 93. Not having a go at you, just wondering WTF happened, Ms was known for what it is when I was growing up. I know historically things regress a bit every so often but this is a joke.

I think Professor can be variable. Certainly in my department there were two professorships, and you retained the title only while you did the job.

OTOH US Presidents are still called President Bush etc even though they are not any more

Hyacinth it really depends on your personally thought of what is tradition...

Name changing has been around since the 19th century, it's over 100 years old.

Yes exactly raspberry, it depends on what you define as tradition. Although I do believe it's been around a little longer than the 19th century, but regardless, the change of name and title for some women in some cultures is a relatively new custom when you consider how old marriage is. This is why it makes no sense to present it as some innate part of marriage when clearly that's not the case.

You understood that marriage was a traditional institution when you entered in to it, and that you become somebody's wife when you marry, just as somebody becomes your husband. So technically you are a 'Mrs' even if you choose not to use that name.

This is completely incorrect. There's no 'technically' about it. You don't become 'Mrs' when you marry. It is a title that some women choose to adopt on marriage and perhaps retain afterwards. Which does not require marriage for a woman to use it, because we can all use Ms, Miss or Mrs as we wish regardless of our marital status.

I have been a Ms since my teenage years and did not change either my title or surname on marriage (to a man I absolutely adore). As with pp, I feel that changing name is a symbol of the inequality that used to - and sometimes still does - exist in marriage, particularly that the woman subsumed her identity to that of her husband. Her name was discarded as less important - how do people not get annoyed by this?!? I am no less married because I did not change my name than my husband is less married because he did not change his. Mrs/Miss is a hangover from the time that a woman's status in life was determined by whether she was married or not, and I think it's entirely fair to object to its use.

So no YANBU and I would correct people who get it wrong so that they get more familiar with use of Ms and the reasons for it. Which may avoid comments like this in future:

I personally don't understand the whole 'I want to get married and be your wife, but I don't want to change my surname or be referred to as Mrs'

I have friends who choose to use Mrs and that is their choice, which I respect and understand (while politely disagreeing) and also expect respect and understanding for mine. I do not think it is trivial - it's about your identity as a person!!

Lore it's not in a critical/ 'backward' way at all... But thanks.

It's not a negative view or anything. I think it's maybe been said to me before and just stuck? I'm really not sure.

Fwiw what people want to be called doesn't bother me in the slightest. If someone called me ms it would make me feel old though ngl.

And I will give an anecdote for changing surname

Won't give too much away but my dad was violent, aggressive and had affairs. The day I got married and changed my name felt like I was truely free from him and anything to do with him. I know I could easily have just changed my name, but if did mean something positive for me. Also my maiden name was crap and my married name is easy to spell and goes better with my first name

The affairs were when he was married to my mum by the way, but violence was aimed at me unfortunately

Being called Mrs makes me feel old.

Fizz, really, as I said, not a criticism of you. Just puzzled because I'm years older and as a teen it was established what it meant, so how did it go wrong, is what im wondering .

Btw I've said nothing about surnames and v familiar with people changing due to the scenario you describe.

Yanbu I am divorced Mrs and get annoyed by the miss assumption.

Isn't it weird that men so rarely hate their surnames/fathers enough to change their surname in adulthood, and yet so, so many women do?

Fizz - while I accept that those are very good reasons to change it, and I'm sorry your relationship with your father was abusive, I've never heard a man say that they changed their name on marriage for those reasons, it is still almost always something only women do (or are expected to do).

margaret mine was a Nordic surname that no body could spell or pronounce and it was a ball ache tbh. My new one is an extremely common 4 letter 'English' surname that no one ever questions or can't say or spell. Awesome!

Lore I understand you think something went 'wrong', but it's just that I personally haven't really known anyone to use it so it's not really been relevant in my life. My mum and maternal grandmother are both divorced but stayed Mrs xhname, never had a teacher that was Ms apart from one, then at uni all our lecturers told us to call them by their first name (I did maths so, wrongly, a majority of my profs were male anyway)...

all my unmarried friends are miss and all my married friends are Mrs

Gah! God knows eh?!

Who I've never disputed that

I'm in the 'change it, don't change it, be Mrs/Ms/Miss, I don't really care' camp

I was just sharing my own experience

Is there any polite way to set them straight?

Yes. A very obvious one.

My first DH offered to change his surname to mine when we got married, as I had no siblings or cousins and I was the 'last in the line' with my surname in the family so to speak. I was happy to take his surname though (preferred it to mine!) and even after we divorced I carried on using Mrs FirstDHsurname until I remarried.

I am single (never married), late 40's and actively like/encourage being addressed at Mrs.

We need to make the change like France and Germany/Austria etc have made where Mrs is the title of all women over 21ish irrespective of marital status. Not sure what happens in other languages but it would be interesting. I think Spanish and Italian are also the same.

But I'm aware I'm a bit of a one woman campaign on this.

The thing that interests me most about your example fizz isn't why you wanted to change your name, that's obvious. It's why you waited until you got married to do it. I have heard quite a few MNers sharing stories of how they wanted to divest themselves of the names of people who abused them, and that desire makes total sense to me. Just seems sad to think of going through adulthood with a name you hated and not changing it until you marry.

I asked someone at work yesterday if she was Ms or Mrs and she said no Im Lady, I think we could all be Lady and it takes away the whole married/not married thing that everyone seems to object to.
Or we could have something else that doesn't relate to marital status and doesn't involve mind reading whether the woman in front of you will object to your guess

So ... what we're saying is, that changing your name is a sign of how much you love being married. But husbands don't bother with this, because ... what? They love being married less?

It doesn't make sense, raspberry. Nothing to do with feminism or antifeminism. It's just bizarre logic, that you'd change your name out of love for your DH/marriage, but he wouldn't feel the same way about you.

Hyacinth i was only 21 when I got married, so I guess I hadn't been an adult long before I changed it

I wasn't too upset about keeping my maiden name, it was just getting married presented an opportunity

Yabu , you are married therefore you are a Mrs.

I don't think AndNow has RTFT...

Oh, and thanks margaret. (I think Margaret Cavendish is a hero of mine, FWIW!)