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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at being called "Mrs"

249 replies

Level75 · 02/12/2016 22:35

I kept my surname when I got married, so I'm Ms Level. Mrs Level is my mum. AIBU to be irritated when people call me Mrs Level. Is there any polite way to set them straight?

OP posts:
RhinestoneCowgirl · 02/12/2016 23:05

I've been a married Ms for over 15 yrs, if I get called Mrs I just tend to correct them.

Original poster
Level75 · 02/12/2016 23:06

If you don't know whether someone is married (the instance I'm complaining about) why would you call someone Mrs?

In my profession (law) it's standard practice to address a female solicitor on the other side (you have to be polite and not use first name to start) as Ms. To use either Mrs or Ms is to take a total punt as to marital status.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 02/12/2016 23:06

Although actually I don't think it's that small, I think women being identified by their marital status is an unwelcome hangover from a patriarchal system which hasn't quite disappeared.

And yet you say you 'don't find it easy to correct people'? Confused

Is it really so difficult to smile and politely say 'Ms'?

If so, perhaps you could work on that? Because it will be a lot easier to change.

Original poster
Level75 · 02/12/2016 23:07

*Mrs or Miss

OP posts:
Original poster
Level75 · 02/12/2016 23:08

Worra, it's email conversation. I'd correct if face to face. On email I feel like it's making too much of it to commit pen to paper so to speak.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 02/12/2016 23:09

Perhaps they could refer to you as 'symbol'? Grin Wine

bigredfireengine · 02/12/2016 23:09

I don't want a title at all. I never ever use one but net a porter make me have one (ok they are not the only company) but it really pisses me off. Why do I need a title?

I never use Mrs or Ms and I don't want to be either.

BTW if you leave it blank they allocate you Dr- must be 1st alphabetically.

FizzBombBathTime · 02/12/2016 23:11

but how is it any less offensive to call someone ms who might be Mrs or miss than to call someone who is ms, Mrs or miss?!

I'm Mrs, I was miss before. If someone called me ms I would find it weird tbh (partly because I don't know what it means Grin)

Five2ate · 02/12/2016 23:15

I'm with you bigred can't we all just be addressed by our first name informally and our first name and surname 'formally'

Example: Good Morning Jenny Five2Ate, what can we do for you today?

What's wrong with that? To those of you who say it sounds odd well so does mr, mrs, ms so and so. First name, last name, welcome to the 21st century.

ThePinkOcelot · 02/12/2016 23:18

Trying to actually think of a time when I have been called by Mrs "Dh name" surname, and I can't. It's never happened. I thought if you were married you were Mrs. I seriously think you need to get out more and go buy yourself a grip!!

Cherrysoup · 02/12/2016 23:21

Just add a signature to your email eg Ms L 75. Don't sweat it.

The correct etiquette is to address a married woman by her husband's surname, so Mrs R Duvall, husband being Robert, whilst the husband is still alive. If you don't like it, as you obviously don't, just correct people.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 02/12/2016 23:23

I find it irritating. And I think it is more offensive than calling someone Mrs or Miss than Ms, because Ms doesn't make any assumptions about a person's marital status, while Mrs and Miss do.

Though, of course, the ideal would be 'what do you like to be called,' which isn't exactly rocket science!

I do think you need to get into the habit of just correcting people, though. If you really are that embarrassed (and you needn't be), just explain that you're a bit zealous about getting it correct as you're finding people are more and more picky about titles these days. Which is perfectly true.

On work email you just put an official signature at the bottom including your title.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 02/12/2016 23:24

I cross posted with cherry. Though, IIRC cherry, on the firstname front (and I only know from MN so could be bollocks) even Debretts thinks this isn't so much 'correct' as 'outdated' now.

user1479495984 · 02/12/2016 23:24

I hate being called Ms! I was a Miss and now I'm a Mrs. No Ms.

StarUtopia · 02/12/2016 23:25

You work in law but don't find it easy to correct people?

Sounds to me like you maybe have a very good life and not much of any real substance to worry about. Seriously. Is this really that big a deal? Does it matter? Why?

Perp · 02/12/2016 23:28

If you are obviously married i.e. Wearing wedding rings, accompanied by husband or just announced Hi, this is my husband - Barry
And someone calls you Mrs, just fucking deal with it!! You are married and you can't expect everyone to be a mind reader and know that you go by Ms. The mind boggles at how people can go about their daily life getting so bloody offended by everything!

HackAttack · 02/12/2016 23:29

This is such a non issue......

CocoLoco87 · 02/12/2016 23:30

I hate being called Ms! I rather people (wrongly) assume I'm a Miss and then I will correct them, than call me generic old Ms.
I love being married and love Mr Loco's name. I wouldn't even be offended at being called Mrs [husbands name] Loco. He's fab so the more association with him, the better Grin

LRDtheFeministDragon · 02/12/2016 23:33

Grin For someone who advocates not being offended, perp, you might want to take a look at yourself!

Eliza22 · 02/12/2016 23:34

It's confusing. For most people.

cheekyfunkymonkey · 02/12/2016 23:35

You are not being unreasonable, I guess you can get annoyed about whatever you want to. Just tell people your preference. I don't know any Ms's in rl, I don't think it's odd for people to not know you are a Ms without being told. If I knew a married couple had kept their birth names I would probably go without a prefix. Personally I don't want to be a Ms, and I expect to be respected for my decision to be a Mrs.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 02/12/2016 23:36

Again?

You couldn't just read one of the seventy billion other threads whinging about this non issue where people are supposed to be psychic and/or give a damn?

Perp · 02/12/2016 23:37

Ha, offended? Nope ...
Continually exasperated at what some find to whinge about on here. Yep!
I think OP should get a badge with her correct title on it so people don't offend her precious ears with simple terminology.

Primaryteach87 · 02/12/2016 23:40

Yabu to assume people will get it right without you telling them as many people do become mrs. I am a Mrs and really don't like being called Ms. The solution in both cases is to correct people. Yanbu if once told people persist in using the incorrect title.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 02/12/2016 23:41

I sometimes feel as if MN is a parallel universe.

I do know people who use 'Mrs'. I even know some who were very excited about using it when they were first married, and I can see that is cute, even though it wouldn't be my thing.

But I do not understand why anyone who's not 93 is confused by 'Ms'. It has been around for yonks. It is, increasingly, standard. When I first started working in the area I'm in now, 'Ms' was the default form of address for all women in my place of work, and you could opt out to use Mrs. That was five years ago.