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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at being called "Mrs"

249 replies

Level75 · 02/12/2016 22:35

I kept my surname when I got married, so I'm Ms Level. Mrs Level is my mum. AIBU to be irritated when people call me Mrs Level. Is there any polite way to set them straight?

OP posts:

buggerForTheBottle · 05/12/2016 13:39

PhD, RVO, 2 happy children, strong marriage, finished an Ironman ... I'm also proudly called Mrs (and dropped my maiden name too).

Keeping a marriage strong and happy takes work and effort and similarly to the woman above who wanted to use her PhD outside of work to show her achievements, I think the same of Mrs.

Proven wrong Margaret?

Sixisthemagicnumber · 05/12/2016 13:40

I never get called Ms bit I do quite often get called miss when I am in actual fact Mrs. It doesn't really bother me when people call me miss and most of the time I just ignore it. It is usually people who don't know me who call me Miss as people who do know me just use my first name. I can't really get arsey with people who don't know i am a Mrs and call me miss because they don't know any different.

MargaretCavendish · 05/12/2016 13:49

Well, I guess there are exceptions to every rule.

What does your husband do to show how proud he is of your marriage?

buggerForTheBottle · 05/12/2016 14:03

Why does everything around here come down to men versus women?

He wears a wedding ring. I wear one around my neck most of the time as it annoyed the hell out of me on a finger. He tells me he loves me and our family and shows us with small, perhaps insignificant gestures, that mean everything to us.

Anyway, I ask again, why does everything have to be men versus us? Life's far too short to have to feel like you've won at every opportunity and that you have to get one up or show your superiority. I suspect that this is a far more explicit 'tell' of someone who hasn't achieved much.

ProseccoBitch · 05/12/2016 14:13

I don't like it when people call me Mrs but that's because I'm not married and it annoys me that people tend to assume all women of a certain age are be married (I'm 40), but I don't think it would bother me if I WAS married. I wouldn't change my surname if I did marry.

I have to admit I judge people who call themselves 'Ms'. I find it very odd, it always makes me think of a bitter divorcee insisting she be called Ms.

Original poster

Level75 · 05/12/2016 18:07

Wow this grew legs while I was away.

For those saying I'm being unreasonable how would you address a woman in an email when you don't know her marital status?

I appreciate when someone knows I'm married they assume I'm a Mrs, but when they don't...

I'm always surprised how many people take their husband's name, but equality issues do bother me more than most people, and whatever you tell yourself it is an equality issue because of the historic ownership point.

My sister (who's a Dr and uses it outside of work because that's normal) and her partner gave their DD her surname. When they married her partner took her name. That seemed totally reasonable to me. The logic was she's known professionally and our surname is interesting.

I don't have an issue with women taking men's names, but I do think some thought should go into it and it shouldn't be automatic. If you've got a reason to keep the woman's name and the guy wants to change, great. If you've got a reason to keep the car guy's name, great. In most cases apart from tradition (which I don't rate for the reasons above) I don't see why people can't keep their names.

OP posts:

Sixisthemagicnumber · 05/12/2016 18:36

It depends how formal the email needs to be level but in most cases for the emails I send no title would be required. I would simply use first and last name or the initial of the first BME followed by surname.
I wouldn't want to be addressed as Ms in an email or in person but I wouldn't get uppity about it if somebody addressed me as Ms. I am not Ms and would never want to be. It isn't neutral IMO. It is no more neutral than Mrs or Miss as this thread has shown that some people have a preference and don't like to be called Ms.

Bertucci · 05/12/2016 18:38

My friend is a Ms and most people assume she is divorced which annoys her just as much as your Mrs, OP.

OhTheRoses · 05/12/2016 22:51

My DH has done quite a lot to show he is proud of his marriage.

He wears a wedding ring
He insisted on renewing our vows when we had been married for 25 years
He insisted on a big party including many of our wedding guests; he made a v lovely speech
His work colleagues all know me and I am always warmly greeted at his work place.

buggerForTheBottle · 06/12/2016 08:02

As a pp said, informally I'd call you Level, more formal I'd call you L 75 (initial and surname), most formal I'd find out your title such as Dr. If you didn't have one I'd stick with initial and surname.

It's rare that I need to initiate formal correspondence having no idea who it's being sent to. If it's professional then my PA will find their details.

The golden rule is to use whatever 'sign off' they use. If their email is sent with Kind Regards, Ms Level then it's what I'd call you.

I think you're unreasonable to to be annoyed at being called Mrs. I don't think you're unreasonable to want to be called Ms. For me, insisting on being called Ms helps build up an impression in the same way we clothes, accent, handshake, hair style and whatever else do. The Ms part is a mark against.

but equality issues do bother me more than most people, and whatever you tell yourself it is an equality issue because of the historic ownership point.

More than most people? How do you score that? At what stage in a relationship do you determine how bothered people are by equality issues. I don't want to be antagonistic (a lot of the time I do, but here I'm trying to avoid it) but slightly snooty statements like that are what I expect from Ms 'people'.

I think historical context is bollocks. In a similar way to the 're-taking' of n----r' or the way woman comes from wifmann (married female) even the most militant MN'ers don't seem to have issues with being 'husband and wife' or being a 'woman'. Look for modern interpretation, intention and context as opposed to being hung-up on historical meanings.

Cuppaqueen · 07/12/2016 00:18

But the 'modern interpretation' of Mrs is a married woman, vs Miss unmarried and Ms neutral/unspecified. That is precisely the context many of us Ms people (to use your phrase) object to! Why should our marital status be advertised to strangers when a man's isn't?

I reject being called Mrs on both historical and modern conventional grounds. Although I would not be impolite about it, I would always correct someone who mistakenly called me Mrs.

jennyDescartes · 07/12/2016 05:31

I would always correct someone who mistakenly called me Mrs

The OP wanted to know if he was being unreasonable to be annoyed by it. You've said you 'reject' it (I assume you meant 'object to').

Why bother correcting them? Is it really so important to you? That's the part I don't understand and is the reason I believe certain types of people will say 'Ms, actually'.

If we were chatting and you called me biggerForTheBottle, I wouldn't correct you. I think it would be pointless and slightly rude and the intention is to slightly undermine the other person. Perhaps because you feel you're "more bothered by equality issues", because you've shrugged of patriarchial constructs or because you want to get one up on them.

I've done it intentionally in the last month while at work, "No, it's Dr Bugger, thank you. Now would you like to discuss this in my office [then slightly patronisingly 'guided' him into the room before me]...". I knew it was going to be a tough meeting and it was important to come out swinging.

jennyDescartes · 07/12/2016 05:32

haha ^^ name change fail

PowerScreech · 07/12/2016 06:00

YANBU I am and since I first discovered there was such a title have been a MS!
When my kids were little, teachers always called me MRS and I would always point out it's MS. Didn't make any bloody difference, but I remain fiercely MS JONES

Statelychangers · 07/12/2016 06:24

I don't really feel my marital status is anyone else's business....it's pretty irrelevant for the vast majority of interactions, I don't feel the need to share.
I correct sometimes - yesterday while speaking to the Podiatrist's receptionist who assumed I was Mrs dc's name, I corrected her and proceeded to be a pain in the butt requesting a chat with the Podiatrist rather than a physical appointment - I did briefly smile and wonder whether she was rolling her eyes and thinking typical of those "Ms women", I got what I required anyway.

Oblomov16 · 07/12/2016 06:25

I get irritated when people call me Ms when I'm a Mrs.

buggerForTheBottle · 07/12/2016 07:14

"I got what I required anyway."

And that's all that matters in this world, isn't it.

Statelychangers · 07/12/2016 07:29

Absolutely!

buggerForTheBottle · 07/12/2016 07:34

This thread's done nothing more but strenghtened a few of my previously held convictions.

Statelychangers · 07/12/2016 07:54

Lazy stereotyping is easy to bolster.

buggerForTheBottle · 07/12/2016 08:11

I'd've thought it much easier to disprove than bolster.

Statelychangers · 07/12/2016 08:21

I'm sure you're very good at disapproving too!

SquirrelPaws · 07/12/2016 08:50

I'm also a lawyer. I use Miss Maidenname for work, usually swiftly upgraded to "Squirrel" unless actually in court. I wear a wedding ring and am Mrs Marriedname outside work. Court ushers usually ask, opponents usually guess, because I introduce myself as "Squirrel Maidenname." It takes me by surprise when people call me Mrs Maidenname, because that's not even my mum, it's my auntie (mum has remarried) but it's an easy assumption to make and I let it wash over me. Ms, meh. It's not my preference but it's not important to me in that context. It's not relevant to what I'm doing. I'm more bothered when people get my name wrong - assume I'm Katherine known as Kate, I introduce myself as Kate, condescending opponent calls me Katie all day.

Cuppaqueen · 07/12/2016 14:55

Bugger/ Jenny - I was just responding to your point that the historical context is irrelevant and we should look at modern interpretation - which I think is in fact even more reason to argue for Ms.

I reject the title Mrs for myself in the sense it was an active choice when I got married and an expectation that I positively rejected, not simply objected to. I do understand the meaning of the word.

I think you muddled me with a pp who said they were more sensitive to equality issues - I made no such comment. In fact I agree with you that it is unreasonable to be annoyed when someone uses the wrong title by mistake (it happens) but not unreasonable to object if after having it politely corrected, they continue to use it.

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