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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at being called "Mrs"

249 replies

Level75 · 02/12/2016 22:35

I kept my surname when I got married, so I'm Ms Level. Mrs Level is my mum. AIBU to be irritated when people call me Mrs Level. Is there any polite way to set them straight?

OP posts:
RaspberryOverloadTheFirst · 03/12/2016 09:14

RaspberryInAMelon

100 years is not long in terms of traditions, and marriage is way older than that.

dontcrynow · 03/12/2016 09:15

Statelychangers the phd title of Dr isnt a professional title whereas Professor most definitely is, as it's a job title and ceases when the person leaves the job.

The Drs I know would expect to be addressed as Dr rather than Mr, Mrs or Ms. Obviously friends would just be addressed by their first and second names without a title. Haven't you noticed that on offcial forms one of the title options is Dr?

RasperryInAMelon · 03/12/2016 09:15

RaspberryOverload as I said it depends what you personally deem as tradition

FizzBombBathTime · 03/12/2016 09:16

Interesting about Ms, I always thought it was for divorced women like other posters. I think I've only known one woman who was Ms

I'm Mrs but if someone accidently called me miss I wouldn't care. Wouldn't bother me if they called me Ms, either. (might make me feel a bit old though as I'm 23, but I'm not sure why!!!)

EllaHen · 03/12/2016 09:17

On the correcting front - I correct people. I am seen as stroppy and difficult even though I do it in a polite way. I am often asked why it bothers me.

It seems we can't win. A lot, well most, people are genuinely baffled as to why being addressed as Mrs when I am indeed married bothers me. Such is it ingrained in society's mindset that women are to be identified by their marital status.

EllaHen · 03/12/2016 09:18

Fizz - I prefer Miss to Mrs and I'm 40.

OhTheRoses · 03/12/2016 09:20

Person all I'm Mrs Roses and in professional relationships, especially medical ones I prefer to be Mrs Roses because the doctor is invariably referee to as Dr Bloggs and it is therefore an equality issue and I will not be subordinated or address a consultant as Mr Jones if there is an aSsumption he or she can call me OhThe. The nurse who called me "mum" recently got very short shrift.

Professionally, at work I am OhThe Roses. The letters after my name say everything anyone else needs to know.

DD wishes to be Ms.

It really isn't hard to find out how someone wants to be addressed, stick to it and not make assumptions.

FizzBombBathTime · 03/12/2016 09:20

sorry I wasn't making a point about what people want to be called, I was just saying what I thought about the connotations about Ms. My mum stayed Mrs even though she's divorced because she hates the Ms thing aswell maybe I got it from her!!

FizzBombBathTime · 03/12/2016 09:23

It really isn't hard to find out how someone wants to be addressed, stick to it and not make assumptions.

This was (sort of) the point I tried to make earlier.

If someone calls you whatever they call you and it's not your name, correct them. That is ok!

If they carry on calling you the wrong thing, that is rude.

Personally? If it's me; it happens rarely but if I needed to know I would ask someone how they wish to be addressed before I made assumptions. But I wouldn't get upset about someone making an assumption about me, provided they took on my correction once I had said.

HackAttack · 03/12/2016 09:24

Don'tcrynow I wouldn't call anyone outside of work Dr in my opinion you are only that in work time.

OhTheRoses · 03/12/2016 09:29

I work in an academic environment. Everyone uses first names. Even a prof with a four million grant and acclaimed new book doesn't expect to be called anything other than his or her first name.

OhTheRoses · 03/12/2016 09:33

don'tcrynow. Professor isn't a job title it's awarded in recognition of academic achievement, usually groundbreaking publications and an internationally recognised standing. It doesn't disappear on retirement or resignation to go elsewhere although tenure is a thing of the past.

IJustWantABrew · 03/12/2016 09:34

I often get called Mrs (when I'm miss) then my surname or Mrs and then my partners surname. It's a simple mistake . Most of the time I don't say anything. Unless it's a cold caller and I then say that person doesn't exist.

Hulababy · 03/12/2016 09:39

Just correct them politely, by repeating your name back to them 'it's Ms ...! If you use a polite tone and a smile it doesn't come across as rude.

Though TBH as a teacher you get used to all sorts so it never bothers me whether I'm called Mrs, Miss or Ms. It's nice to get my surname added some days!

Hockneypool · 03/12/2016 09:45

I'm Ms and have been for well over 30 years. Started as a teenager, when I got all my ID stuff, bank accounts, driving and passport sorted. Didn't change my name when I got married over 20 years ago.

It's never been a problem. It's assumed I'm a Mrs by most people. If it's a one off conversation/ transaction I accept Mrs my name and Mrs his name. At first it felt strange but mostly people are being polite.
But if it's an ongoing or long term thing I let people know my preference and get it changed.

Over the years I've had a few jobs. Quite often my payslip would be Mrs Myname because people know I'm married. I always ask for it to be changed even if I'm the only Ms in the organisation which I have been at different times over the years.

At my current place, we have just recruited 3 young women all under 30. Two are single and one is married - all are Ms.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 03/12/2016 09:46

IMO YABU. If you're married you can't expect someone to automatically assume you are 'Ms'. Correct them and move on.

You understood that marriage was a traditional institution when you entered in to it, and that you become somebody's wife when you marry, just as somebody becomes your husband. So technically you are a 'Mrs' even if you choose not to use that name.

A lot of people choose not to marry because they don't like those traditional roles. Civil partnerships as a choice for male-female couples will be a great step forward for a lot of people who do not agree with the traditions of marriage.

scratchypoopants · 03/12/2016 09:52

I got married at 18 & became Mrs xH. Then got a PhD & became Dr xH. Then got divorced and stayed Dr xH cos it was easier to be the same name as my DCs and for professional reasons. Then DP moved in to my house and used to get royally pissed off when people referred to him as Mr xH! When we decided to get married, I decided to revert my maiden name & not take DH's name. I prefer Ms or Dr so as not to be defined by my marital status. I wish I had never changed my name when I was young and foolish. In summary, YANBU

LRDtheFeministDragon · 03/12/2016 10:02

raspberry, you're easily shocked if my name shocks you.

Why is it your husband doesn't share your view of marriage? Is he just less keen on you, or do you think his man-brain renders him incapable of caring? Sad

RasperryInAMelon · 03/12/2016 10:09

Not shocked... unsurprised... Again with the feminist chat Feminist*
*
He does share my view, which is one that a woman would change her name when she marries...

Nothing about him being less keen on me... he asked me to marry him, to be his wife.

OhTheRoses · 03/12/2016 10:28

Why does anyone need a title. Whether I'm Ms, Miss, Mrs, or the Dowager Countess of Mumsnet, I would still be OhThe Roses and if that style were adopted across the board it would be fine and also a significant nod to equality. Individually earned status and achievement would be added after the name.

Trills · 03/12/2016 10:45

I think it is more offensive than calling someone Mrs or Miss than Ms, because Ms doesn't make any assumptions about a person's marital status, while Mrs and Miss do.

I agree with LRD here. Ms is the politest and most neutral guess for a woman.

I am also just happy to correct people. I don't get insulted if people have no idea what my title is and get it wrong.

I'd prefer them to get it wrong by guessing Ms, because that would be an indication that we were moving to a more modern and less sexist world, but I'd not be annoyed at them for guessing.

MargaretCavendish · 03/12/2016 10:55

I have a million things I want to say all of which will upset the Mrs brigade so instead I just want to say that LRD I think you may be my hero

Trills · 03/12/2016 10:59

Again MN is very good at reminding me that my experience of the world is not the whole world.

Nobody I know in real life thinks that Ms is just for divorced women.

Everyone I know (except for one friend's MIL) uses the names that people prefer when addressing post, and never uses titles for their friends in any other context.

And yet these people do still exist, and are at least familiar enough with the modern world to post on an internet forum! Shock

Lorelei76 · 03/12/2016 11:05

Potato, marriage is a legal arrangement
There is no legality requiring the woman to change name or be Mrs
So why would anyone assume the OP had done that?

dontcrynow · 03/12/2016 11:09

Ohtheroses Ive always thought of Prof as a job title especially now lots of universities advertise vacant posts as such and I've never come across retired professors who still call themselves prof-however I stand corrected. I cant envisage calling myself professor after I retire

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