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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at being called "Mrs"

249 replies

Level75 · 02/12/2016 22:35

I kept my surname when I got married, so I'm Ms Level. Mrs Level is my mum. AIBU to be irritated when people call me Mrs Level. Is there any polite way to set them straight?

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 03/12/2016 08:23

I don't like Ms, I think it sounds divorced. I'm happy to correct people if they get it wrong.
Yanbu to want to be called by your preferred title but yabu to be annoyed by it when it's easily corrected.

RasperryInAMelon · 03/12/2016 08:23

I personally don't understand the whole 'I want to get married and be your wife, but I don't want to change my surname or be referred to as Mrs'

It was on of the proudest (and saddest) days when I became Mrs Melon Grin being able to be both Mrs and Melon was something I've looked forward to for some time.

We actually discussed that I would also rather get married prior to having children because I wanted our family to have the same name.

I understand it must be hard if you're an only child or if there are only girls in your family and no one to carry your family name, but then why wouldn't you become Mrs Double-Barrelled

Suburbopolis · 03/12/2016 08:27

Ms sounds like marital status is not where you get your identity.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 03/12/2016 08:27

Aw, MrsMelon, that's lovely.

Was it also your husband's proudest and saddest day when he took your name?

SouthofMaui · 03/12/2016 08:35

I wish we could adopt this system from another country, where you keep your maiden name, but use your married name (if you wish to do so). On your passport, your name would be for example.

Kate Middleton "spouse" Windsor

I couldn't care less if I am called Mrs or Ms.

Breadwidow · 03/12/2016 08:37

I get kinda annoyed by something similar this too, not the title thing as I find I'm rarely called Mrs or Ms, but by people who refer to me in writing as mrs/my first name DH's surname rather than Ms/my first name my surname when they know I kept my maiden name. I think the Mrs thing wouldn't offend me as much as that would be used by strangers (and I say, 'actually I'm ms' though thinking I should say what I prefer, 'call me (insert first name)' but it does irk me when people write letters cards / etc to mrs and mrs DH's name when they know I kept my maiden name. It's the unusual move yes, and it means you have to write more letters on the envelope, but keeping my own name and not being defined by my husband's identity is important to me. It's a sign of patriarchy after all, some may see it as a small and unimportant thing but in my view all these things add up.

WhoKnowsWhereTheT1meG0es · 03/12/2016 08:37

I don't get why getting married would mean changing name or title, it's far easier just to keep both as they were before.

HyacinthFuckit · 03/12/2016 08:38

YANBU to think this, but just correct them. Worry not about whether they think it's polite or not: they need to learn and you're in a position to administer the education. Indeed, note that some of them may well be as backward and stupid as a few of the posters on this thread are, and enjoy knowing that your correction will stick in their craw.

HyacinthFuckit · 03/12/2016 08:41

I personally don't understand the whole 'I want to get married and be your wife, but I don't want to change my surname or be referred to as Mrs'

Wow, imagine not only having so little understanding of marriage that you think name and title changes for women are an essential part of it rather than something that some people have added onto it rather recently, but also being willing to advertise your lack of knowledge on one of the country's most popular forums!

Takes all sorts, I suppose.

Eolian · 03/12/2016 08:42

I personally don't understand the whole 'I want to get married and be your wife, but I don't want to change my surname or be referred to as Mrs'

Why wouldn't a man be equally happy to change his name to his wife's name then, if he's happy to be her husband? And please don't say "Because that's the way it's always been" , because that is a rubbish reason for anything.

And god it's irritating when people come onto any thread and say "If that's the biggest thing that's worrying you, then lucky you" or "You must have too much time on your hands" etc. What an idiotic and mean-spirited response to anything. Since when are we only allowed to talk about life-threatening incidents or disasters on MN? If you're posting on a thread on a subject that you don't even think is worth thinking about, then maybe you should be accusing yourself of having too much time on your hands or not enough real things to worry about.

OP YANBU except that previous posters are right imo - it would be so much better if we just had one title for adult women. Ms either sounds too much like Miss, or kind of Mzzzz, which doesn't feel like a proper word.

RasperryInAMelon · 03/12/2016 08:45

Feminist clearly wouldn't expect anything less from someone with a name like that Shock

Hyacinth for me marriage is a tradition and I haven't given up my identity - I'm very much still me, but I personally chose to continue to go with tradition, I actually don't 'know' anyone who's ever kept their name after marriage.

HyacinthFuckit · 03/12/2016 08:46

Since when are we only allowed to talk about life-threatening incidents or disasters on MN?

Since it's a post about women's surnames and titles. This is a forum full of threads about first world problems, where we get 1000 plus on parking disputes and wedding etiquette, but whenever naming issues are raised people seem to feel the urge to pile in telling the OP it's so unimportant that they felt they had to make a post to tell her how much they don't care. It's quite fascinating.

SouthofMaui · 03/12/2016 08:47

as backward and stupid as a few of the posters on this thread are

and apparently as open-minded and respectful as other people choices are you are.
I like the tradition of changing name, never felt oppressed by it, and it's easier to have the same name than my children.

I fear than in a few years, the traditional polite way of addressing people will disappear. People will refuse to be addressed in a non-neutral way, and anything gender related will be seen as offensive, so Mr/ Mrs/Ms will disappear entirely.

OhTheRoses · 03/12/2016 08:49

Could someone link to the mum thread please?

NickyEds · 03/12/2016 08:49

I'm not even married to dp and I get addressed as 'Mrs Dp's name'. In the next few weeks I know for a fact that we'll get several Christmas cards with 'Dr & Mrs Dp's name' so people make the effort to get dp's title correct. Female friends who are 'Dr' all say that they are never adressed as 'Dr & Mr Name' , they are always 'Mr & Mrs Name'.

MrsPeely I don't think the op has said that this is all she has to worry about, just that it annoys her.

HyacinthFuckit · 03/12/2016 08:50

Hyacinth for me marriage is a tradition and I haven't given up my identity - I'm very much still me, but I personally chose to continue to go with tradition, I actually don't 'know' anyone who's ever kept their name after marriage.

Which is all fine, and had you simply said that there'd be nothing to comment on. But do you really not know that marriage is an ancient human tradition and the changing of name and title is only something that's been added relatively recently by some people in some cultures? Or that people get married for dozens of reasons? Not being able to understand why people don't subscribe to one particular tradition sometimes associated with marriage does rather suggest you hadn't thought much about those things.

Statelychangers · 03/12/2016 08:51

I don't like the assumption that I'm Mrs - I will correct where I can. I am not Mrs Dh's name - that's his mother. What I don't understand is people getting their knickers in a twist about women using Ms - why does it irk you so?

Statelychangers · 03/12/2016 08:54

I have several friends with both phd's and medical degrees, I'd never address them by the title Dr or Prof - it would just be weird, those titles are for professional purposes.

HyacinthFuckit · 03/12/2016 08:55

...and apparently as open-minded and respectful as other people choices are you are.

Nope.

There is nothing I have written, not even one word, that has suggested any disrespect for anyone's choices. Criticism of people for failing to respect the OPs is simply not the same thing: this is a failure in understanding on your part and nothing else. It speaks volumes that, in complaining about lack of open mindedness, you would target a person criticising that behaviour rather than a person displaying it. Almost suggests it's the view on surnames rather than the attitude to others you have a problem with...

passingthrough1 · 03/12/2016 09:00

So I am in strong agreement re: be assuming someone has taken their husband's name and not assuming they're a Mrs. HOWEVER I think there are a lot of older people out there who get insulted when someone either calls them by their first name or who call them Ms.

When I call a call centre and they ask me my name I would always always always give my first name but I've noticed that older women at work will say "it's Mrs Hisname" and if an operator asks them if they can call them by their first name they get quite huffy, similar if someone says "is that Miss or Mrs...?" the same people will say "it's Mrs" as if that should have been assumed. So I guess a lot of people feel like they can't win.

Think back 10+ years and hardly anyone used Ms so it's changing, just slowly.

LeSquigh · 03/12/2016 09:05

YABU to want to be called Ms. It makes you sound divorced. What's wrong with Miss? And of course people are going to call you Mrs - you are married and that is the usual default as is taking your husbands name and giving it to your kids but I'm not getting into that again

NickyEds · 03/12/2016 09:09

It's on post Stately, I don't refer to them personally with their titles!

RasperryInAMelon · 03/12/2016 09:10

Hyacinth it really depends on your personally thought of what is tradition...

Name changing has been around since the 19th century, it's over 100 years old.

Of course there are other reasons to get married, that's not why I got married. It all just sounds very 'I am feminist' at the moment and frankly it's not the end of the world.

RaspberryOverloadTheFirst · 03/12/2016 09:12

In the area I'm in, many women, including me, use Ms, and it's nothing to do with divorce and everything to do with not wanting to use a title that's associated with marital status.

Even my 16 yr old DD is using Ms, in the grounds that as she's now setting things up for the rest of her life, eg ID, bank accounts, etc, she's starting as she means to go on.

Roussette · 03/12/2016 09:13

It must be so so difficult for people to get it right though, just spare a thought for those who have to think "should I call her Ms, Mrs or Miss or what".

It's just not important, it really isn't and I can't imagine going through life getting upset at this sort of thing. To me it's no different than people getting my christian name wrong. e.g. being Susie and being called Sue or Suse or whatever. This happens occasionally and sometimes I correct people if I know I'm going to be spending time with them. Other times I CBA so I don't.

I love being a Mrs. And I must be an easygoing person because I just don't get the angst on so much stuff, I do think some people on MN just decide to get arsey for something to do.