That my brother and sister in law say they cant afford Christmas presents this year

[ncayley115]

My brother and sister in law asked if we could not exchange gifts this year with only a very small gift for the children as they were moving house and couldn't afford it. My bil earns a 3 figure salary and my sil is on around £30k. MY dh and I earn under £50k between us. Anyway, the house sale is off now and I just got a text from sil saying if she doesn't answer her phone its because they are going on holiday to Barbados tomorrow! It makes me a bit cross that they can afford what appears to be a luxury holiday but not presents!

Your SIL is being rude. DH and I have a household income that is far higher than my SIL. I do not expect a gift from her and have told her as such but she always gets me something like a bar of chocolate or a nice jam (which I really appreciate!). I expect her to pick out a gift for each of the DC (which we pay for) and I bite my lip if its something I don't like because its my SILs gift to the DC. I also had her shop online for clothes and bought them for her. She is disabled with no income.

My sister OTOH has the tact of your SIL. They think they earn way more than we do and take every single opportunity to rub our noses in it. I stay very quiet and say nothing. I get huge satisfaction from knowing that DH makes in a year about what their house is worth and my Dad has been able to see exactly who my sister and my BIL are. It is so hard not to say something sometimes, especially when my sister says crazy things like 'Buying such extravagant gifts would be so nouveau riche if you could afford it. Since you can't afford it its just common.' Yeah I don't talk to my sister much!

Whilst I loved getting Christmas presents as a child (what child doesn't!), I've come to hate the tyranny of Christmas present buying as an adult. I would vastly prefer to just give gifts to the children and exchange a gift with my DH and that's all. My family doesn't do gifts for the adults Thank God so it's just my inlaws that I have to run around finding crap to give them... So in principle I think your DB and SIL on are to a good thing.

DH's family has done 'kids only' presents for a long time (and they're all grown up now anyway) but it did irritate me a bit because BIL and SIL had 5 kids and we only had the one!

We do kids onky presents between me and my siblings. £20 kid each child. We all have 2 children except for one sister d
So I spend nearer £40 him.

I font see the issue tbh

They sound very sensible to me. I don't blaim them at least they had the courtesy to forewarn you so you don't buy them gifts. It's their money that they work hard for, why can't they do what they want with it?

NRFT but I would look at it as a great opportunity to stop the gifting with them in future ... maybe that's what they're trying to wangle anyway

YABU
We just buy for kids with a price cap. It's about time together not gifts.

During the financial crisis and because a few members of my family were made redundant and took a while to get back in the saddle we had a rule of a £10 limit.

My godson taught me a card trick!

We have kept it up as we focus more on just being together and to be honest we have better, more meaningful christmases now.

Some people are a but this way and it's hard to understand if you are not - but what can you do?

My own SIL is v wealthy has no kids and only 2 nephews - so plenty of money with no real responsibilities mortgage free huge income from v successfuk business etc - but when we had kids she "suggested" that we stop buying presents for each other as adults. to be honest i did think it was her being a bit tight because I did wonder if she didn't want to buy presents for us and a child as she didn't want the extra expense despite having plenty of money. I thought this because she is generally a bit tight and because even though we have less money we would have continued buying the presents. But everyone is different in how they view things -so yes I see where you are coming from - but others may not

It sounds as if you are really a bit upset that they won't be around for Christmas. Why not invite them over after the New Year and have a festive meal then. They are still buying gifts for your children and they're idea of affordability and family is probably very different to yours. Try to have a great Christmas without them and focus on your children.

I haven't had a chance to read entire thread so apologies if I am echoing others' thoughts.

I have learnt that there is a big difference between what we 'can afford' and 'what we want to spend our money on' and sometimes they feel like the same thing but they're not.

I would rather not spend our money on buying my brother and sister in law Christmas presents that they probably don't want/won't use but I would borrow money/spend what little we do have on a holiday for the entire family in a heartbeat.

These days, we have no idea how people fund their cars, holidays, phones, whatever. For all you know, they may have a friend with a property in the Barbados and so this may be a cheap holiday i.e. flights only. And even if not, if they've decided to take a hefty loan out to pay for a holiday, but not for Xmas presents, then that's their choice, and we should respect it.

Years of therapy has taught me the we can't control/change other people's behaviour or even try to understand why people make choices different to our own. We just have to accept it and move on.

It is actually a polite way of saying they don't want to be given gifts that they don't need or want, nor do they want to get you similar unwanted gifts. Christmas is about spending time together, NOT about presents. It is stressful to have to worry about buying presents at this busy time of year. On both sides of our family we dropped presents for all adults many years ago and we have a much more fun and relaxed Christmas every year as a result. Buying gifts only for children is becoming the norm, and more and more families don't do gifts for adults any more. Don't be offended, try it and you may find it liberating.

I don't think they appear in any way polite. I'm all for cutting down on the purchasing of unnecessary gifts but I wouldn't go about it the way did. What is so difficult about having a normal adult conversation? Bizarre.

YABVU!!! My husband and I are just so crossed with our families because we wanted to give presents only to the kids (because we are adults, we don't need presents and we are not so well financially) but rverynody is getting presents to kids and adults despite we said that we cannot afford! And you're sounding just like my SIL. If you want a present for yourself go shopping or ask your husband, leave your SIL alone

Calm down love.

It's so liberating though! Adults, especially those considerably richer than yow are a pain to buy for . Result op!

Sorry but YABU. I'd be over the moon with such a situation.

Thankfully, we've now got to a point where my DSIL and DBIL + DB AND DSIL no longer want to exchange presents(the obligatory socks, vests, shirts, ties, bubble/shower gel/gift set(which I'm usually allergic to anyway, etc

I'm absolutely over the moon; I can actually buy myself what I really and truly want, guilt free(!), and I don't get any car boot &/or tat for Christmas. Yes, I know it's not the spirit of Christmas, but I used to hate receiving presents that once instantly opened, I knew I'd never need. Then, I'd have to write thank you letters to everyone. In addition, I'm disabled too, so getting to the shops at this time of year is a definite nono. The actual physical effort that goes into buying those presents that were carefully selected from non everyday street shops is definitely not an issue that many, many people, including my own family, truly appreciate, at all.The thought doesn't even enter their darling heads🙄.

I just buy the children presents, which gets easier when they hit a certain age, when all they want are gift shop vouchers. I buy those on the internet, plus a small selection box of chocolates, to make sure the present doesn't get mixed up in the litter. I've noticed that selection boxes and teenagers are a failsafe way to go. They get eaten that day and then their parents (including DB) have to deal with their own sugar high, hyperactive children. Touché. I had the exactly same comments when mine were little and my relatives (including DB) used to comment upon my sugar high DC. So, I'm slowly but surely getting there. For the little ones; thank goodness for internet shopping.

Another thing that won't cross their minds, is an additional complication I've had to deal with this year. I've had extremely serious surgery, in addition to my disability. I've been told by the doctors that it's going to take quite a long time to recouperate. As I can already foresee, our Christmas's tend to be rather rough and ready. I rather suspect my Christmas will be like last year's; alone, at home.

Being positive though, at least I'll have the remote controls, peace and quiet and guaranteed no sarky comments from DM. Oh, and I can totally slum it, in my pj's. With a bottle (sod that glass-too much washing up) and a box of my favourite chocolates. Chosen by me. 😂😂😂

YABU especially if they have said they don't expect a gift from you. They are buying gifts for DCs & surely that's what is important. Treat yourself & DH to something nice that you actually want with the money you would have spent on their gifts. Regarding their finances, you'll probably find that since their earnings are higher than yours their outgoings will be too. My brother earns a lot more than I do & has a larger house, a better car etc. I take that to mean he also has much higher mortgage & finance repayments than what I have. A better salary doesn't necessarily equate to having more readily available cash.

They are in the country for Christmas but we never spend it together. Also like some other posters have said, we only have our son but 4 other nephew's to buy for so we will be well out of pocket if we purely look at finances. However I plan spending carefully and have managed to get all the children fun prezzies - on things like Argos 3 for 2. And for the last time I haven't said I want a bleeding gift from them . I guess I'm just a bit miffed that they couldn't be honest and say shall we stop buying each other crap rather than going to Barbados ( where they are staying in a hotel) and then claiming poverty.

PoohBearsHole on Page 3:
Please don't pour MIL's gift into the loo! If you haven't tried Rhubarb & Ginger gin topped up with Prosecco, you haven't lived! (imho of course).

PetitPois55
A word of warning: once you've been away for Christmas, I doubt you'll want to spend a Christmas at home again! "liberating" is an understatement. I speak from many years experience.
Feliz Navidad!

It is their money. Maybe they saved up for this holidays as well.
We dont do all the presents in my family anymore.
Too much money wasted in my opinion. All year saving up for Christmas. We said NO. So much stuff that we dont need when so many have so little and it all ends up in landfill.
So we do secret santa where you just buy for 1 person from a list they write with a maximum spend.

I am happy we all agreed to this. Of course I was always the one on the smaller salary and they could have reacted like you and then the stress of not having money every year... But glad that for my family is not about the presents.

Just because they earn more doesnt me they have to buy you stuff, sorry but YABU

Let them live their lives

We do secret Santa, so everyone receives one gift and gives one gift. It's much more fun this way too.

Ohhh how I wish I only had to buy a small gift for the kids in my family, Christmas would be much less stressful. I cant even afford to get dp a gift this year, I'd love more than anything to sack Christmas off all together to be honest, I'm not a christian so could in theory. Your lucky op. Spend the spare cash on something you want.

I would be happy with that option anyway. A small gift for the children is far more thoughtful than splashing the cash and so much bought for both adults and kids is pointless rubbish. I've bought my brother socks for Christmas. They're special ones but they weren't expensive and I know he'll appreciate them far more than me spending a load of money on stuff he doesn't want anyway. Same for my nephews; small thoughtful gifts but not really spending a huge sum (definitely less than £20 but possibly less than £10).

We suggested no presents other than kids this year. Not do much because of money, more a lack of time. Both work full time,have two year old, I'm pregnant and struggling. Plus there are growing numbers of kids to buy for...

Anyway all hell broke loose. Apparently we're fishing for presents for our DD. And if we're worried about being outdone, we should just buy something small like some aged whiskey!!

thanks FIL. he'll be getting a tube of smarties. If he's lucky.

People get weirdly worked up about these things.