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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That my brother and sister in law say they cant afford Christmas presents this year

185 replies

ncayley115 · 01/12/2016 10:55

My brother and sister in law asked if we could not exchange gifts this year with only a very small gift for the children as they were moving house and couldn't afford it. My bil earns a 3 figure salary and my sil is on around £30k. MY dh and I earn under £50k between us. Anyway, the house sale is off now and I just got a text from sil saying if she doesn't answer her phone its because they are going on holiday to Barbados tomorrow! It makes me a bit cross that they can afford what appears to be a luxury holiday but not presents!

OP posts:
InsultingTheAlligator · 01/12/2016 13:08

I'd view it as a lucky escape too, to be honest. Especially if you say that right, it is no presents for adults now forever more. (And not that they expect adult presents when they have some spare cash net time for example).

You are allowed to be slightly envious and Hmm about the much larger salaries and good holidays though. I know I am lucky to have a fairly okay disposable income. So I shut my stupid mouth tight tight shut about money and what I can or cannot afford around friends and family who I know are in a less fortunate position.

Thanks
InsultingTheAlligator · 01/12/2016 13:11

incidentally, one of my much wealthier relatives who is always broadcasting their holidays / houses / new ponies bleated sadly on facebook that during their summer holiday this year to [insert tropical island here] was ruined because of one slightly sub par day when they could not use the pool. My glorious SIL posted; 'Fuck off. It's pissing down here'.

much silent applause from everyone.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/12/2016 13:12

I would be pleased, is it lowers expectation, and saves hassle, just buy for your immediate family. I do agree with it, can get very stressful buying for a big family, it may not just be about the money, but the time and stress.

Baylisiana · 01/12/2016 13:15

One thing that is really nice about giving thoughtful gifts to adults is that children in the family learn from that and love being part of it. I have seen my DNs spend a long time thinking about parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles and crossing or making something really special. They have really enjoyed it. It isn't about spending lots, it is about relationships. Sometimes they create little booklets or gifts that show they understand someone's interests or want to spend time doing something for them. Children just receiving gifts without adults included sends a very different message, and it denies them the chance to express their affection for someone through a gift. I used to absolutely love going to pick out a gift for my grandma.

Baylisiana · 01/12/2016 13:15

Crossing? Choosing!

redfairy · 01/12/2016 13:17

You can't tell others what their spending priorities should be. Personally I'd be grateful they've saved you a few bob.

monsterbookofty · 01/12/2016 13:19

We have said the same this year. Although we are not rich we could afford something really. Reason being is the bils are never grateful, never say thanks and the presents we got them from two years ago are still in pils living room! We would rather get something extra for the dc who at least say thank you!

WeAllHaveWings · 01/12/2016 13:22

If they don't want to exchange adult gifts I think that's fair enough.

Unless they know your child very well and play an active part in their life (regular sleepovers or days out etc) a small or token gift is appropriate.

I find it is the people who actively know and spend quality time with ds that like to spend a bit more as they know what he likes. Whereas closer family members who don't spend time with him get smaller gifts, which is absolutely fine. Just because you are blood related to a child doesn't mean you need to spend more than you want to.

Their income is irrelevant to the size of presents they want to gift , but they could have worded the reason why they want to stop exchanging gifts better.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/12/2016 13:23

Balyliss I get what you are saying, they could learn that in the immediate family environment.

ImogenTubbs · 01/12/2016 13:29

OP - my BIL and SIL have also said this and DH is fuming. He has said "If my bloody brother can't get me as much as a sodding box of Ferrero Rocher for Christmas what's the world coming to?" (Or words to that effect). He has told them that we will continue to get gifts for them.

It's not that he selfishly wants loads of tat, it's that he sees exchanging gifts as a central and traditional part of sharing Christmas together, which I kind of get, so I have some sympathy for you!

Incidentally, I have a massive and quite close family so a few years ago we started a secret santa system so we don't all feel obligated to fork out £100s on gifts for each other. It works really well.

onedsrightnow · 01/12/2016 13:29

From reading your posts, I think they probably said no presents to alleviate the pressure on your family after you said you couldn't afford fil present. Sounds great to me as you don't like their presents anyway!

user1471439727 · 01/12/2016 13:36

YABU, I genuinely can't see why you're so bothered. You seem very selfish.

Let them spend their money on what they want. They had the decency to tell you that they didn't want to be splashing out on anyone and so not to do it in return.

Maybe they've had a hard year and need a holiday. Or they actually don't have the money to spare. You seriously expect them to potentially get into some form of financial trouble just so you can exchange gifts? Regardless of what you think, you DO NOT know their financial situation.

All sorts of people feel pressured to buy gifts for people that they just can't afford, and it's hard to know where to stop. They've taken the sensible steps and tbh are clearly doing you a favour. You said you could afford to be splashing out for your father, so they're telling you this so you don't splash out on them.

And with regards to gifts, Christmas IS a time for children, as much as some might "loathe" that idea. Christmas stopped feeling magical for me when I was about 12, and since then it's more or less been a chore to get through it all with a smile. Grown adults who get giddy over Christmas for two months every year need to get a grip, in my honest opinion.

MitzyLeFrouf · 01/12/2016 13:38

Christmas stopped feeling magical for me when I was about 12, and since then it's more or less been a chore to get through it all with a smile.

And?

Christmas is a time for whoever loves Christmas.

PurpleDaisies · 01/12/2016 13:39

And with regards to gifts, Christmas IS a time for children, as much as some might "loathe" that idea

I think a few million Christians would disagree with you there.

Grown adults do not need to get "giddy for two months" to think that Christmas is a great time of year. Who are you to judge my Christmas with my husband and no children as being less good than someone else's?

petitpois55 · 01/12/2016 13:47

Good on them. much rather spend my money on a great holiday than on Christmas tat. Why are you even upset about this OP?

user1480182169 · 01/12/2016 13:49

And with regards to gifts, Christmas IS a time for children, as much as some might "loathe" that idea

Are you mixing up your opinion with measureable fact again? You should stop that, it makes you look like a 5 year old.

happy2bhomely · 01/12/2016 13:55

I told both of our families years ago that we would not be buying gifts anymore, and please don't buy us anything. We can afford it, but it feels like such a chore. I said that I wanted to take the pressure off everyone, and make Christmas something we all look forward to rather than grin and bear. Everyone thought it was a great idea.

We have 6 siblings (12 if you include in-laws) and 14 nieces and nephews between us. We have 5dc ourselves. And we have 6 Grandparents still with us.

We buy small gifts (£10)for our parents and Grandparents, because they insist on getting the dc something.

I have got a £1 selection box for each of the children, just so the kids get to swap something.

We have been collecting supplies for the local homeless charity and the kids will be decorating the box for us to deliver. I think this sends a much better message than them seeing adults with more than enough already, swapping Boots 3 for 2 offers.

I love Christmas but I don't do obligation. I refuse to feel guilty. We visit who we want, buy what we want and have a lovely time.

trixymalixy · 01/12/2016 13:58

We're not giving adult presents this year. Two of us are moving house before Christmas and one has just built an extension.

It's very sensible if you ask me. it got silly as we were just exchanging amazon vouchers at one point.

Doobigetta · 01/12/2016 13:58

Maybe they're embarrassed that you keep spending an amount they think is excessive on presents for them that they don't need or want? Maybe the reason they've got spare cash to go to Barbados with is they don't spend it all filling other people's houses with tat? The amount of mindless consumption at Christmas now is out of control, it really is. And I'm not a Scrooge. I love Christmas. I love the decorations and the food and drink and the cosiness and the way it makes everyone kinder and more welcoming. But the presents? ENOUGH, already! I would be totally happy to never get another present, and never have to buy one. I'd be so happy if my brother in law said, I haven't got you a present this year but I'm going on the most fantastic holiday.

MitzyLeFrouf · 01/12/2016 13:59

Purple you'd want to take care. Otherwise officials from the
Ministry of the Enforcement of Correct Christmas Celebration Procedure
will be along to bang on your sitting room window and bellow 'hey you there, childless people having a raucously good time, please desist at once. Christmas is for children only!'.

PurpleDaisies · 01/12/2016 14:00

Grin mitzy

Boomerwang · 01/12/2016 14:01

Accept it, say you are quite relieved and that you should make it a permanent thing and never buy presents for the adults again. That doesn't stop you exchanging gifts with the rest of your family - just not them. That should smart a bit.

mumblechum0 · 01/12/2016 14:02

We earn silly money and also have a "no gifts except for children" rule in our family.

We agreed that it was daft to keep buying each other stuff we didn't want or need, and which ended up in the back of a drawer somewhere.

Don't see the issue tbh

gillybeanz · 01/12/2016 14:07

I can see both points tbh.
They sound tactless expecting you to join in their expensive present to fil and of course they aren't poor on that sort of money.

It is however their money to do as they please. Just because you have money it doesn't mean you have to spend it in the same way as others.
Just confirm with them that you will give your own presents in future, not team up with them for ils presents and will not bother with them at xmas if that's their wishes.

RebelandaStunner · 01/12/2016 14:09

Barbados v traipsing round shops looking for presents?

Barbados by a slim margin Grin