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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That my brother and sister in law say they cant afford Christmas presents this year

185 replies

ncayley115 · 01/12/2016 10:55

My brother and sister in law asked if we could not exchange gifts this year with only a very small gift for the children as they were moving house and couldn't afford it. My bil earns a 3 figure salary and my sil is on around £30k. MY dh and I earn under £50k between us. Anyway, the house sale is off now and I just got a text from sil saying if she doesn't answer her phone its because they are going on holiday to Barbados tomorrow! It makes me a bit cross that they can afford what appears to be a luxury holiday but not presents!

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 01/12/2016 11:12

You havent said why you are cross though OP?

CrystalVision · 01/12/2016 11:12

We made a similar decision this year. Were due our first child in Jan and couldn't justify the spend on presents for adults.

At the same time, we've just had a brand new kitchen installed.

However, we saved for a year for the kitchen and paid cash so as to avoid debt so whilst it might look like we're prepared to flash our cash for us, but not buy presents, it's because it was our choice as to how we spent our money.

Regardless of salary, they are quite within their rights to only buy for the children. After all, do you really need another Boots smelly set??

SukeyTakeItOffAgain · 01/12/2016 11:13

Chin OP. You could have my SIL and BIL. When they produced offspring, they said "Oh it's Christmas presents only for children now." (we are child free). In effect they are saying "We want presents for our family but won't get your family anything, not even a bottle of wine."

:o

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 01/12/2016 11:17

We don't exchange gifts with our siblings /siblings-in-law either, just presents for their and our DC. It's one less thing to think about/budget for. Are you just pissed off because you're not getting a present? Buy something for yourself with the money you would have otherwise spent on them, FFS! Hmm

Olympiathequeen · 01/12/2016 11:27

Just do the same for them. Kids a small gift and adults none. We do the children only anyway with the adults just getting birthday presents.

I can understand your resentment but I think it's more jealousy of the higher earnings than the gift thing, but they do sound selfish and unpleasant

IvorHughJarrs · 01/12/2016 11:28

We had this but DB and SIL didn't tell us in advance. We had 2 small children, I was on mat leave so very little money and we budgeted carefully to buy them presents then on Xmas day they gave DCs a pair of Xmas socks each and told us they were sorry but the bills for renovating their new house were high so they had decided not to buy gifts. At that point they were childless, buying a very large house and had 2 good salaries coming in so I did find it quite hurtful.
Unfortunately you just have to put this down to experience. We discovered in the years since that SIL is a greedy, selfish person who will always put herself first so you should do the same. Keep the money and treat yourselves

Original poster
ncayley115 · 01/12/2016 11:30

Ok yes I mean a six figure salary!! I think what has annoyed me is not the not getting a present - tbh they always get us something we don't need anyway (we have three pots of honey in the cupboard from previous years hampers!) . It's them pleading poverty and then booking an expensive holiday. It was recently my father in law's birthday and they insisted on getting him gift vouchers for a three Michelin starred restaurant and then were sniffy when we said we couldn't really afford to contribute £100. We simply don't have that sort of money to splash around but it seems that they do when they feel like it. It just feels like they just cant be bothered. We would be happy to never do Christmas presents evere again with them but even when I was on maternity leave we managed to buy them something.

OP posts:
WalkingInTheAir13 · 01/12/2016 11:34

It would be great if Christmas presents could be restricted to just for children. Witness the stampede to any Customer Service desk post-Christmas to exchange unwanted/wrong size/wrong colour etc. gifts!

It's far from lack of generosity or meaness - it's just the exhausting annual dilemma of not knowing what to buy.

EggnoggAndMulledWine · 01/12/2016 11:35

See tbh, I would quite happily not give or receive to my brothers kids, sil and my sister. I have 25 people to buy for and its just too much. Us spending say 100 quid on a family and them spending it back, what's the point. We don't even see my brother or sil on my husbands side at xmas or much at all in general. Just seems a waste of cash really cause most of the time the clothes aren't to mine or the kids taste and the toys or whatever don't get used.

I just don't know how to broach it without upsetting anyone. I have stuff this year but will probably approach it for next year somehow.

PlumsGalore · 01/12/2016 11:36

Sorry, but I am with the in laws. Like me they probably couldn't be arsed any longer shopping for, buying and wrapping presents for presents sake. They have used moving house as an excuse, but it fell through and rather than back track and have the hassle of shopping and buying again they have stuck with their decision. The holiday is a red herring, they were going anyway.

I am guilty of saying I can't afford to do things sometimes, I usually can. I just think it is a crap idea or I don't fancy it but don't want to hurt anyone else's feelings so I let them think I am skint.

This is what your ILs have done.

Not everyone loves all the hassle and expense of Christmas and many us would prefer a small Christmas for the kids and a holiday.

rightsofwomen · 01/12/2016 11:36

Buy or not buy presents ...whatever, but for someone to say they can't afford it when they earn very decent money is a bit lame.

Once again I do worry about the state of the world where giving and receiving is being pushed further down the list of important things.

rightsofwomen · 01/12/2016 11:38

We stopped giving to adults quite a few years ago. No one had to say there were skint, we just discussed it and everyone was happy.

In fact me and my sisters do give to each other because we are very close, but that's between us.

Ice3 · 01/12/2016 11:40

Just don't do presents any more. I only do presents for children. It is so much easier. Spend the money on yourself.

seventhgonickname · 01/12/2016 11:41

I am poorer this Christmas(divorce pending) and my sister has just changed jobs so this year we are both doing homemade pressies for the family.N o one is upset and a few are joining in on the homemade thing,there will be more than my damson gin being exchanged if I know my family!

PurpleDaisies · 01/12/2016 11:43

I just can't get excited about this. I think proper Christmas has got lost in all the stuff that gets bought and passed on to more stressed people who didn't really want anything.

NoSquirrels · 01/12/2016 11:43

Eh, just stop doing presents with them. You don't like what they buy you anyway, they clearly don't appreciate what you buy them, so just save your cash and ignore.

It's fine not to be able to contribute to a joint present to the level they "decided" - it should be discussed not assumed.

And it's fine for them to go on an expensive holiday too. Their money, their life.

Just agree not to give presents at all from now on and forget about it.

Pineapplemilkshake · 01/12/2016 11:44

Sorry but I think YABU. It's up to them how they spend their money - I'd rather spend mine on holidays than presents for other adults. My siblings and I all decided about ten years ago just to buy for our nieces and nephews, with a price limit.

Maybe they have a lot of expenses? Even if the house move was cancelled they may be saving for something else. I earn a six figure sum, but as our outgoings are huge and I'm the sole earner, I often don't have a lot of disposable income.

user1480182169 · 01/12/2016 11:47

It would be great if Christmas presents could be restricted to just for child

No, it wouldn't. Are we supposed to do all the organising, shoppinng, cleaning and cooking for christmas and be banned from even getting a gift?
Not everyone elses problem if your family don't get you something nice!

Costacoffeeplease · 01/12/2016 11:47

So you're not bothered about getting a present, but you actually are, otherwise what's the problem?

alotlikeChristmas16 · 01/12/2016 11:47

sounds like a bit of jealousy to me - they are probably gutted the move fell through and facing a depressing Christmas in a house they were hoping to get shot of, they told you well beforehand, it saves you money in the end and more stuff cluttering your cupboards up.

alotlikeChristmas16 · 01/12/2016 11:48

it sounds like the op's real issue is them pleading poverty/deciding they can't 'afford' to buy presents.

LaurieMarlow · 01/12/2016 11:51

It seems silly to me for grown adults with income of their own to buy their siblings presents. Your BIL's position sounds sensible to me.

Footinmouthasusual · 01/12/2016 11:53

We are a big family and all have kids.

We decided years ago that we just brought for our parents and our own kids.

I think it's crazy that people spend themselves into debt over Christmas. It's bloody stupid and Martin Lewis himself advices that.

Who wants to trail the shops buying chocolates for sil to get the same back.

Crazy totally with your inlawa

PurpleDaisies · 01/12/2016 11:53

It seems silly to me for grown adults with income of their own to buy their siblings presents.

I don't agree with this-I love buying presents for my sister. If people are doing it out of duty and they all agree they'd rather not its fine to stop swapping gifts though.

user1471950254 · 01/12/2016 11:54

I think they have a different view of poverty as they are actually prioritising. So for them the expensive meal for DFs birthday & the holiday are important. Moving is expensive and as other PPs have said the holiday may be paid on a CC or maybe they got a bargain holiday & decided to go for it.

I think it's ok as they had a conversation with you about changing Christmas this year rather than turning up and accepting gifts it not exchanging them.

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