Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That my brother and sister in law say they cant afford Christmas presents this year

185 replies

ncayley115 · 01/12/2016 10:55

My brother and sister in law asked if we could not exchange gifts this year with only a very small gift for the children as they were moving house and couldn't afford it. My bil earns a 3 figure salary and my sil is on around £30k. MY dh and I earn under £50k between us. Anyway, the house sale is off now and I just got a text from sil saying if she doesn't answer her phone its because they are going on holiday to Barbados tomorrow! It makes me a bit cross that they can afford what appears to be a luxury holiday but not presents!

OP posts:
WhyOhWine · 01/12/2016 19:17

I wouldn't mind agreeing not to exchange presents with my siblings (and DH's siblings). Not because of the money , but I find it quite hard to decide what to get them and I suspect they feel the same. If they used the money they spend on me to buy something for themselves, they would like it better than whatever I choose for them. We have all mainly defaulted to vouchers now which seems even more pointless, particularly the years when we don't even meet at Christmas. I would like to default no adult gifts except the years when we are all together for Christmas and then do a secret santa, so everyone just has to get one gift with more budget for it. (we buy for the children and also pay money into an account for them)

However, I earn more than my siblings so would never suggest it.

DailyMailJournosSmell · 01/12/2016 19:21

YABU

BTW are you sure they said they couldn't afford to spend money on presents rather than saying they rather not spend money on presents. IYSWIM

foreverandalways · 01/12/2016 19:23

I have to honestly say that you all need to get a life and remember what the true meaning of Christmas is...!!!!!!!!!!!

slamdunkthefunk · 01/12/2016 19:29

This is what we do in my family. We all have kids so we buy for them, then make sure we all contribute to a good day for everyone - food, drink, games, company.
I much prefer it to everyone stressing over what to get and how to pay for it.

petitpois55 · 01/12/2016 19:47

Forever The true meaning of Christmas you say.. Well everyone knows what that is surely.
It's buying and drinking a bottle of Baileys throughout December when you never touch the stuff at any other time of yearGrin

Somersetlady · 02/12/2016 07:07

I can see where they are coming from you can hardly get dinner out in Barbados for less than £100 per person!

Original poster
ncayley115 · 02/12/2016 07:47

That's the point - they said they couldn't afford presents and then booked the holiday to Barbados. I have come to a decision overnight which is to donate the money we would have spent on my in laws to Shelter.

OP posts:
alreadytaken · 02/12/2016 08:14

well we stopped buying presents for adults years ago and are likely to stop buying presents for children we dont see next year, they have too much anyway. Why waste money on stuff people dont want when you could spend it on a trip to Barbados? We went last year and managed not to spend £100 on a meal.

We wont say we're broke, but it is perhaps less kind to say that than it's a waste buying presents just for the sake of it for people who can afford to buy what they want for themselves.

InsultingTheAlligator · 02/12/2016 08:17

Op- you are nicer thn me. I'd be saving it for my own holiday and thanking the ILs for the extra and unexpected cash!

BabooshkaKate · 02/12/2016 08:52

YABU as everyone else has said.

You admit that you don't like the gifts you get anyway so what is a point of a token gift? What would you consider a token gift?

A couple of years ago 3 people gave me scarves, despite the fact that I have more than I need already. A few more got me bath sets which I haven't used and a perfume that was not to my taste. This is what happens when people buy without much thought to their audience. I personally would love (and use!) a gorgeous bottle of gin you can't find on the high street, a good book, or a Molton Brown set, but no one is willing to spent £40-50 on that one thing.

Instead I get a £20 boots smellies set, a bottle of wine I will never drink (because wine triggers migraines in me) for £10 and a box of chocolates for £5-10 which I always pass on to DP because I don't eat dairy. Some people like to "pad out" the gifts with candles and tat from Tiger, as though I need another notebook. I had bought this person a pair of Hunter wellies as she had been going on about how she wanted a pair but couldn't afford it for about a year.

In the end they spend the same but the money is wasted. In these circumstances it is so much easier to say to these people "no gifts thanks, think of the children, etc" and just buy myself what I want and save space in my home that would have been taken up by clutter.

alotlikeChristmas16 · 02/12/2016 10:45

lovely idea to donate to shelter, that's a nice outcome.

Original poster
ncayley115 · 02/12/2016 13:08

Babooshks Kate at no point did I say anything about token gifts!

OP posts:
misshelena · 02/12/2016 13:38

I think your ILs have the right priorities. The michelin restaurant voucher for an older person is a lovely idea. It's an experience that the person himself would probably not splurge on but would enjoy greatly if it were given to him. The family vacation is another lovely idea. But getting another pot of honey for you to put on your shelf seems like a waste of money, however little. And why would you want another pot of honey just to take up space?

Winteriscominginnit · 02/12/2016 15:16

I do get fed up with people thinking they know other people's financial situations and somehow feeling they can dictate what they should or shouldn't spend their money on. I don't have sky, almost never buy clothes or 'stuff', hardly go to the pub but what I save I use for travel. Some people might think I'm rich and will tell me they couldn't possibly afford to travel and how lucky I am. Conveniently forgetting about their brand new car/kitchen etc Hmm Eyes on your own purse.

MitzyLeFrouf · 02/12/2016 15:19

Well seeing as the OP said her SIL frequently informs her as to how much they earn it's not surprising the OP thinks she knows their financial situation................

Winteriscominginnit · 02/12/2016 16:57

Hmm I would take that with a huge pinch of salt. More like that the OP thinks they flaunt it by just, you know, living their lives............. Smacks of jealousy imo.

Liiinoo · 02/12/2016 17:55

Sounds great to me. The fewer presents the better as far as I am concerned . We only do children and mums and dads. It started when we were young and hard up. We could afford gifts for everyone now but most presents nowadays are just overpriced 'duty' gifts of unwanted, unneeded tat ....like unwanted honey.

user1467798821 · 02/12/2016 18:01

Ask for duty free perfume! Or booze

BabooshkaKate · 02/12/2016 18:06

ncayley115

Babooshks Kate at no point did I say anything about token gifts!

My apologies, there was another thread I was reading about Christmas gifts and OP was annoyed that she wasn't getting a gift, not even a token gift, and I must have got the two muddled up Xmas Blush

Shona52 · 02/12/2016 18:06

We've agreed between my Bro and I just to buy for the children. Like wise for my BIL and His wife. And to limit the amount spent on parents. As it was getting out of hand. It's nice to go back to having a simple Christmas 🎄 children getting a few toys. Good food and wine 🍷 and the family being together. I'm really looking forward to it this year

Londonmamabychance · 02/12/2016 18:07

People have v different attitudes to gifts and Christmas. If that's what they want to do, go with it! They're not expecting anything back, so leave it at that. Personally I love giving presents and always manage to find money to get stuff for my closest family, even when we've been struggling, I just save on other things, as giving my family something nice (not massively expensive, maybe around £15-20 per person) to people feels important to me. It's more about fining a particular pair of earrings or a nice tea or that second hand record my dad loves, not about spending loads of cash.

Gazelda · 02/12/2016 18:09

Maybe they'd not considered your financial situation before FIL's birthday and were embarrassed at their thoughtlessness? Maybe they exaggerated their stretched finances to make up a plausible excuse to break the cycle of adults buying pointless gifts for other adults, thus you saving money that you can spend on your DC instead?
But then the house sale fell through and they were stuck in the situation of either having a well earned holiday as a break from the stress, or keeping up the 'skint' pretence to save face with you?

frogsgoladidahdidah · 02/12/2016 18:11

babooshka

You might have mixed up your threads but I agree with you 100%. I wish people wouldn't buy me shite. I would prefer nothing! It all goes to charity shops.

My sister is in the same boat. We are having a 'skiprat' Christmas challenge, and see what we can get each other without spending any money. The crapper, the better. Am enjoying planning this much more than flicking through a shop or browsing a catalogue.

PeppaIsMyHero · 02/12/2016 18:13

My lovely SIL is strapped for cash and for 3 years now we've only bought presents for each other's children. It feels good: she doesn't want tat from us that she doesn't want; we don't want tat from her that she can't afford.

We invite her + kids round to stay at xmas and ply her with wine and rest. Perfect.

northernshepherdess · 02/12/2016 18:14

I know a bloke who lives on a huge piece of moorland in a massive house, big pond in the garden, Paddock sized lawn, 5 bar gated.. nice car... not a penny spare.
Asset rich they call it. Where nearly every bit of income is allocated.
With finances as they are at the moment theres lots of asset rich people... using food banks etc as even selling a house costs money and the market isn't so hot.

  1. They earned it so they can spend it on what they want.... you can still buy them something if that's what you want but it seems they want to make things fair.

3.. They don't want you to buy something you think they might like... in exchange for them buying you something you think they might like.... only for both items to end up in charity shop box/bin/handed to someone else on their celebration...