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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not make nephews Christmas outfit

221 replies

Cindbelly · 01/12/2016 10:52

Bit of backstory as I don't want to drip feed.

DH and I have been NC with MIL and SIL 1 for roughly 2 years. MIL due to her refusal to accept that DH primary family are me and the DC and that coupled with her controlling behaviour. It had been going on for years slowly grounding him down and then one day She said some nasty things to him about not being able to love DD the same as DS as she looks like me and he walked away (long story short it wasn't that simple) she's never apologised and at the time couldn't understand why DH was hurt as her feelings are valid and she has every right to express them.
SIL 1 and I had a falling out 4 years ago when I cancelled babysitting for her as I was in the process of miscarrying. Apparently I was selfish as her DS would have been in bed and her sofa is more comfortable then mine anyway Confused

I've also got SIL 2 who I used to be close to but we don't see that regularly now due to the strained relations between DH and family.

SIL 2 came over upset yesterday as her DD has just started nursery and needed a costume for the nativity which she couldn't find. I've told her it's not a big deal and a top with the character would be fine etc but she is young and financially struggling and was upset so I offered to make one.
Not a problem I'm fairly crafty and as it turned out had all the materials. I dropped it to her last night took about 6 or so hours in between dinner etc.

SIL 1 has just text me out of the blue to say that she has seen the costume it is not fair I am playing favourites between my nieces and nephews, her DS needs to be an elf for his school play, costume due in on Monday so she will be over Saturday afternoon to pick it up incase there are any adjustments that need to be made.

WIBU to text her back to fuck off?
Nephew doesn't even know I exist as they took down all the photos etc of us from MIL house.
Or am I letting my view of her cloud my judgement and should I make it seeing as show I've made one for my niece?
I will think IANBU to refuse but I'm doubting myself now

OP posts:
MrsRonBurgundy · 01/12/2016 14:38

I can't believe the cheek of some people! I hope she spots this thread and recognises herself so she can see how many people think she's an entitled cow

Colby43443 · 01/12/2016 14:41

This made me so angry on your behalf. Some people are such wankers.

puglife15 · 01/12/2016 14:44

Just. Wow. Nasty shits.

lougle · 01/12/2016 14:46

If you reply she's got contact, which you've avoided for all this time. Don't reply.

Footinmouthasusual · 01/12/2016 14:49

Yep don't reply just ignore her and delete her number and block her. Don't answer the door. Treat her as a stranger. They sound insane.

Northend77 · 01/12/2016 14:55

diddl
" SIL 2 is torn hence we are not so close anymore. "
What does this mean?
Is she expected to choose between her brother & sister?

Of course not but SIL2 just happens to be in this difficult situation (through no fault of her own) so will obviously find it awkward having contact with both. Not her fault, not the OP's fault, just life. No need for every detail to be criticised!

Original poster
Cindbelly · 01/12/2016 14:56

Diddl (I don't know how to quote) your questions make a lot of sense,

When we fell out, MIL pulled ranks and was clear to her children. If they were talking to me and DH they had to move out.
BIL 1 and 2 still live with her. One has even moved his girlfriend in. The youngest is 23. BIL 3 moved to the coast to live nearer FIL and his wife.

Low contact with BILs is literally 'happy birthday' xmas cards, and the occasional lunch / chat if we happen to bump into them in town.

SIL 2 and I were close before this happened. She had already moved out, so didn't face the 'you cant speak to them anymore' dilemma, but I know that she would prefer it if me and DH just accepted things and 'did as we were told' for a happy life so that we can stick our heads in the sand and play nice like she does
She needs the support from MIL in terms of her DCs and I can respect the fact that even though I believe that no relationship with a GP is better then a fucked up one, she has lived her life in this FOG and it seems normal to her.

However what your questions have made me realise, is that she must have been bragging about the costume to SIL 1 for all this to escalate.

Its fairly complicated, is it too early for a glass of wine?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Cindbelly · 01/12/2016 15:01

And thanks to everyone as well, I've blocked her number now, so there will be no reply update.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cindbelly · 01/12/2016 15:02

That should have said thanks to everyone who took the time to reply to me and confirm IANBU, don't know why I was doubting myself really.

OP posts:
Allthebestnamesareused · 01/12/2016 15:03

Wine. And Cake for you

Soubriquet · 01/12/2016 15:03

I do feel sorry SIL2

She's stuck between her family on one side and her brother and you on the other

It's not a nice place to be

diddl · 01/12/2016 15:08

Oh, I see.

Sorry, it was nosy of me.

I'm trying to think if I had a sibling who was horrible to another I'd probably want to be able to continue a relationship with both although my respect for the "horrible" one would likely be diminished.

I think that I would lose respect for SIL2 for wanting you to "play nice".

You could also be right about her bragging.

What a mess.

Awful that so many feel beholden to MIL.

"Its fairly complicated, is it too early for a glass of wine?!"-no, it's never to early for wine!Grin

ohfourfoxache · 01/12/2016 15:16

Please don't you dare doubt yourself when it comes to these people- they're batshit Thanks

stabbytheunicorn · 01/12/2016 15:17

Send her this text..

This is an auto response. The person you are trying to reach has blocked your number as you are an entitled dick.

age81 · 01/12/2016 15:23

Tell her to go Fuck the far side of fuck......and some more!

Don't open the door unless your prepared for more shit....next will be, costume not as good/neat as DN Grin

Footinmouthasusual · 01/12/2016 15:23

God what a bunch! Your sil might not have been bragging but just answered them when asked who made the costume.

Yes have a Wine

Original poster
Cindbelly · 01/12/2016 15:23

I feel sorry for her too Soubriquet life is hard for her as I mentioned, and I can see why she just wants everyone to play happy families and get along.

But I also feel sorry for DS who was 7 when we stopped talking to MIL and missed her very much to start with. And I feel sorry for DD and stressed trying to make sure she never knows that MILs attitude towards her was the catalyst for the family falling apart.
And I feel sorry for DH that he's had to listen to this from his Mum.
And I feel sorry for the miscarriage and a million other things.

Actually - I do not feel sorry about not making his costume.

I cant fix something that I didn't break. There's no middle ground to be had with them. According to SIL I rejected her DS and let her down at the last minute. I said no to her. Apparently its unforgiveable. This is the first message I've had from her and I can tell she's still bitter about it.

As I said in my opening op there was years of controlling and subtle nasty behaviours from MIL prior to us going NC. She wore head to toe black at our wedding. Fine. Brought me a can of dove deodorant for xmas one year. Fine. Used to offer to babysit DS on the odd occasion and then go out without telling us before we dropped him over. Fine. Constant digs at me about working full time, Im a big girl I can handle it, fine. And a million other things I cant put down as it will definitely out me. this thread might risk that anyway oops
But DH cant and wont forgive her for what she has said about DD. Not without an apology. She wont apologise for being honest with him about the way she feels.

Sorry just realised that sounded like I was ranting at you. Wasn't meant to. Just felt good to get all that out!

OP posts:
pithivier · 01/12/2016 15:23

Your SIL reminds me of my srepFather. We would pick up the phone there would be no greeting, just "right, what I need you to do is" . I never had a thank you or got paid for anything. I think your SIL must be a long lost daughter of his

Original poster
Cindbelly · 01/12/2016 15:26

Ah thanks everyone, Im at work but will definitely have some mulled Wine when I get home as its December

OP posts:
Groovee · 01/12/2016 15:29

Goodness! I wonder if she will reply.

griffinsss · 01/12/2016 15:29

You did the favour for your SIL who you like as a favour, not necessarily for your niece. There's no obligation.

Text back a big fuck off

TobleroneBoo · 01/12/2016 15:46

They sound an awful bunch Cind I wonder if SIL will reply

starchildareyoulistening · 01/12/2016 15:53

Jesus christ. You sound like a very patient and kind person and I think "I can't fix what I didn't break" is a wise attitude to take when dealing with such bizarrely selfish people. I am just desperate to know what goes on in people's minds to make them feel that they have the right to behave like this... what kind of mental gymnastics do they do to convince themselves that they are in the right and everyone else is being unreasonable? It's just fascinating, in an appalling way.

Original poster
Cindbelly · 01/12/2016 16:14

Hahaha.. no reply but just seen a message on my local fb selling site from one of SILs friends who urgently needs an elf suit for a 6yr old as she was promised one from a family member but has been let down last minute!

I might get a mutual friend to link the asda elf costume from earlier Grin

OP posts:
Colby43443 · 01/12/2016 16:20

You should reply with a screenshot of her messages.