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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not make nephews Christmas outfit

221 replies

Cindbelly · 01/12/2016 10:52

Bit of backstory as I don't want to drip feed.

DH and I have been NC with MIL and SIL 1 for roughly 2 years. MIL due to her refusal to accept that DH primary family are me and the DC and that coupled with her controlling behaviour. It had been going on for years slowly grounding him down and then one day She said some nasty things to him about not being able to love DD the same as DS as she looks like me and he walked away (long story short it wasn't that simple) she's never apologised and at the time couldn't understand why DH was hurt as her feelings are valid and she has every right to express them.
SIL 1 and I had a falling out 4 years ago when I cancelled babysitting for her as I was in the process of miscarrying. Apparently I was selfish as her DS would have been in bed and her sofa is more comfortable then mine anyway Confused

I've also got SIL 2 who I used to be close to but we don't see that regularly now due to the strained relations between DH and family.

SIL 2 came over upset yesterday as her DD has just started nursery and needed a costume for the nativity which she couldn't find. I've told her it's not a big deal and a top with the character would be fine etc but she is young and financially struggling and was upset so I offered to make one.
Not a problem I'm fairly crafty and as it turned out had all the materials. I dropped it to her last night took about 6 or so hours in between dinner etc.

SIL 1 has just text me out of the blue to say that she has seen the costume it is not fair I am playing favourites between my nieces and nephews, her DS needs to be an elf for his school play, costume due in on Monday so she will be over Saturday afternoon to pick it up incase there are any adjustments that need to be made.

WIBU to text her back to fuck off?
Nephew doesn't even know I exist as they took down all the photos etc of us from MIL house.
Or am I letting my view of her cloud my judgement and should I make it seeing as show I've made one for my niece?
I will think IANBU to refuse but I'm doubting myself now

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 01/12/2016 12:48

You sound very kind, OP. I would just simply reply, "I won't be making one for DN." She can't read anything into it. Just a fact.

LadyVampire · 01/12/2016 12:48

She hasn't even asked she has told you to make it from your OP.

I wouldn't. You'll get no recognition for it and the relationship should be all or nothing.

NoSquirrels · 01/12/2016 12:51

OK, if you want to be nicer:

Hi X - SIL2 was upset she couldn't find a [fill in the blank] costume for DN and I already had the materials. There are elf costumes in Asda and Tesco - you can do click and collect or next working day delivery, will be less expensive than if I made one, and I don't have the time before Monday anyway. Hope play goes well for DN.

Katy07 · 01/12/2016 12:52

Just tell her that you made one for SIL2 because you actually like SIL2 and leave it at that.

EddieHitler · 01/12/2016 12:55

I'd be polite so there's no ammunition.

"Sorry, I really can't, too busy, but I think I saw some cute elf outfits in Asda, maybe try there".

I'd really want to tell her to fuck right off, but I think that's what she wants you to do.

CrazyCavalierLady · 01/12/2016 12:55

Respond: I only make costumes for friends and close family. You are neither. Suggest you try Adsa. Merry Christmas

NoSquirrels · 01/12/2016 12:58

I do agree however that you will be in the wrong whatever happens, so you could just go with "No". But I would send my text above because it doesn't engage directly with the "favouritism" accusation & also says you cannot make an elf costume. They can read "will not" into it, but you haven't actually said it or fuck off

Trifleorbust · 01/12/2016 12:59

Seriously, if you want to be nice but not too nice: "Sorry, that's not going to work for me. I heard Asda do a good elf costume - good luck!" Nothing whatsoever to object to about that.

expatinscotland · 01/12/2016 12:59

I'd keep it simple. 'No, I will not make a costume.' and then BLOCK. Don't engage.

Goodasgoldilox · 01/12/2016 13:01

Accept the compliment! Your costume for nephew was so good that she has been made deeply envious.

I agree with Sapphirestrange- just send grins.

HateSummer · 01/12/2016 13:03

38 years old and behaving like that? God help her!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/12/2016 13:04

I think the "No" is the best response as well.
Or expand it to "No chance" if you want to make it very clear what you're responding to.
If she persists, maybe a "Who IS this? Do I know you?"

And then yes, do block her. Why does she still have access to you anyway? ANd if she wants to gripe on about playing favourites between nieces and nephews then she's probably got 4 years of catching up to do with your DC, hasn't she, so when is she going to make good on that?

Also, the irony is not lost on me that she's talking about the unfairness of playing favourites, and yet that's exactly what your MIL did that caused the break in the first place!!

Spectacularly egocentric and wilfully blind.

SapphireStrange · 01/12/2016 13:05

Fuck's sake.

Do not use the word 'sorry'. Do not suggest Tesco/Asda. Just say 'no' or words to that effect.

She and her mother will clearly act like arseholes whatever you do, so why bother trying to find the right words?

Trifleorbust · 01/12/2016 13:07

I'm all in favour of the 'fuck off' style responses but they don't appear to be the route the OP wants to take, so more helpful suggestions might be welcome!

Original poster
Cindbelly · 01/12/2016 13:08

For clarity, it was MIL who made the comments about DD not SIL. I included it in the op as I honestly believed by now DH would have had a message from MIL as she loves a bit of drama and to be involved with stuff like this. So I thought it would be relevant for updates. - Also I didn't want to have to keep replying to messages asking what does MIL think etc.

I would screenshot the message but its full of names and would definitely out me. I've no idea how to edit screenshots.

The text says
"Cinder - The costume you made for is fantastic. has his school play soon and is being an elf. It is very unfair that has such a great costume and doesn't and that you are favouring *' so I will need you to make one. As you haven't seen him since you last refused to look after him when we last spoke, he's wearing age 6 clothes - That should help you with the measurements. If in doubt make it bigger and I will pick it up on Saturday and that will give me time to adjust it if needed. The school need it by Monday latest.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 01/12/2016 13:11

OK, I'm back to fuck off after reading that!

HardToDeal · 01/12/2016 13:11

I'd just text back "sorry, who is this?"

Stripyhoglets · 01/12/2016 13:11

Omg I can see why you are no contact!!!

Arfarfanarf · 01/12/2016 13:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Soubriquet · 01/12/2016 13:13

"Since you have no sympathy for my misscarriage at the time, I'm afraid I have no sympathy to your costume plight. the answer is no"

Trifleorbust · 01/12/2016 13:13

My god. I don't think I've ever read anything that rude in my life BlushShock

TheMerryWidow1 · 01/12/2016 13:14

this is still a no go, she is not asking for a favour but ordering you to do it which no one has the right to do. And she needs reminding why you didn't see the nephew last time!!! Please don't let her get away with this attitude, it stinks! And she's obviously too lazy to sort something out herself.

NoSquirrels · 01/12/2016 13:16

Or, if you want to be nicer:

Hi X - Thanks, I already had the materials for an [X} costume, so it was a favour to SIL2 as she couldn't find one. I won't be able to make an elf costume for Monday. Hope play goes well for DN.

So - favouritism you are showing is towards SIL2 (not nieces or nephews) and you won't be doing what she's demanding.

NoSquirrels · 01/12/2016 13:18

But I like soubriquet's reply too!

Farandole · 01/12/2016 13:21

"I think you confused me with one of your staff. Good luck with the elf costume. "