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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask that opposite sex siblings don't share bedroom at XH's?

177 replies

shallichangemyname · 30/11/2016 10:26

We have 4 DCs, two girls 16 and 11, and two boys 13 and 11 (the 11 yos are boy/girl twins). At my home the boys share a room. XH put the twins in together, and I asked him not to as I thought they were too old now for that. He has 3 bedrooms available, so two of the DCs can have their own room and the other two must share. He agreed to change the arrangements. This was back in the summer. Now I've found out that he changed it only for a couple of weeks and then put them back in together and told them all to lie to me about it (in fact DD2 says that he threatened them that if I found out I would stop/reduce contact and he would then have to "drag mummy through the courts" and DS2 has independently confirmed that a similar comment was made to him). I've googled it and public housing law, as well as NSPCC recommendation, is that opposite sex siblings over 10 shouldn't share.

www.reference.com/government-politics/laws-u-k-siblings-sharing-bedroom-41d1d69a5864a28e#
We've had a bit of a row about it. He doesn't see what's wrong with it. He muttered something about putting DS2 on the sofa instead of with his sister. I don't think this is fair, he should have his own bedroom space shouldn't he (when it is available)? I think he is babying the twins to put them in together (they are quite young for their age), and he's prioritising the needs of the older DCs above the needs of the younger ones. Either the girls should share, or the boys, I really don't care and that's his choice (personally I think in in terms of age the boys are a better fit, but I acknowledge that the 13 yo hates sharing with his younger brother).

I feel strongly about this, and the lies. I've told him no overnights (but daytime will continue, so I'm not cutting off contact) until this is resolved. He says he'll take me to court. I don't care, I'll happily tell the judge that I'm content for overnight contact as long as they don't share a room.
For background, XH has spent the last 7 years living abroad and seeing the DCs only 3 or 4 times a year during holidays, so he has a bit of a black hole in his day to day parenting skills.
I don't care if they share for the odd night - eg if one of them is ill, if they go to visit friends/grandparents etc - but I think the home arrangement should be that the twins don't share.

The twins have both told me they'd be embarrassed if their friends knew they were sharing. The 11 yo DD has also just this week started her periods.

AIBU to ask for separate rooms, and AIBU to stop overnights until this is agreed?

OP posts:
c3pu · 30/11/2016 10:33

YANBU to ask for them to have separate rooms, YABU to stop overnight contact though.

Original poster
shallichangemyname · 30/11/2016 10:34

But he is refusing to give them separate bedrooms, so my only other choice is to put up with something I think is not in their interests. I'm not comfortable doing this but I can't see any other way, and I'm not stopping contact, just overnight, so he can have them all day, just brings them back for bedtime.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 30/11/2016 10:37

"he threatened them that if I found out I would stop/reduce contact and he would then have to "drag mummy through the courts" "

Was it a "threat"? Or was he simply stating the truth? Seems to be the later to the casual observer TBH....

Anyway.... I don't see the big deal TBH. I shared a room with my brother at the age. No one died. Just ask him to put a bookcase in the middle of the room if you think it's so much more of a deal sharing with a brother rather than a sister.

Meadows76 · 30/11/2016 10:38

You have issue with your 11yo twins sharing a room why?

I think you are BU. Aside from anything else these kids are all old enough to discuss and arrange their sleeping arrangements with their father. You need to take a HUGE step back.

SaucyJack · 30/11/2016 10:38

*the latter

FizzBombBathTime · 30/11/2016 10:42

What are your concerns with regards to the twins sharing a room?

CockacidalManiac · 30/11/2016 10:42

SaucyJack, is your username a Spinal Tap reference?

wannabestressfree · 30/11/2016 10:42

Stopping overnight contact is a mistake sorry.......

TupsNSups · 30/11/2016 10:45

Yabvu to stop contact.

in fact DD2 says that he threatened them that if I found out I would stop/reduce contact and he would then have to "drag mummy through the courts"

So he was right, it wasn't a threat at all. he knew you would stop contact. You sound like one of those Mothers who likes to micro manage their dc's time with their other parent. It really is no big deal them sharing a room and tbh it is not really your business how he parents them while they are with him. As long as they are fed, clean, happy and each have a warm bed to sleep in at night you need to butt out.

crashdoll · 30/11/2016 10:46

You would be unreasonable to stop contact over this. You don't get to dictate what happens at his home and as a PP said, your children are of an age when they can express their feelings to him if it bothers them.

ZoFloMoFo · 30/11/2016 10:48

he threatened them that if I found out I would stop/reduce contact and he would then have to "drag mummy through the courts"

Not a threat really, just stating a fact.

YABU.

HermioneJeanGranger · 30/11/2016 10:48

YABVU to stop overnights. If the DC aren't happy, they can speak to their dad, but it's not your place to stop them staying overnight, sorry.

TupsNSups · 30/11/2016 10:49

At my home the boys share a room

but I acknowledge that the 13 yo hates sharing with his younger brother

It sounds like he is doing a good thing actually after re reading, He is giving the 13 yo a bit of space from his younger brother where he does not get that at your house.

howabout · 30/11/2016 10:59

Surely by ages 16 - 11 DC should be capable of negotiating sleeping arrangements with their individual parents themselves?

rightsofwomen · 30/11/2016 11:01

Do you have a CAO in place?

I think it would look very, very bad if you stopped contact w/o doing it through the courts.

Are the children old enough to speak for themselves to their Dad?

Plenty of kids share rooms, especially if they have two home like in your case. How many nights do they see their Dad?

TBH, you're both going to look a bit pathetic if you take this to court, not to mention the money. Why not spend the money on a room divider or something.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 30/11/2016 11:03

They aren't babies, you need to take a massive step back andetc your exh sort it with his children. When they are with him, they are his concern.

I get howhat frustrating it is, DD1s Dad does things I wouldn't do quite often, but it is naff all to do with me.

HolidayHunterTeam · 30/11/2016 11:05

I would like to understand why you think he is "babying" the twins to expect them to share, but not babying the boys if they share?

itsmine · 30/11/2016 11:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgentProvocateur · 30/11/2016 11:06

It's up to him to parent as he sees fit when his children are with him. The children are old enough to tell him if they're not happy with an arrangement. It's not up to you to micromanage their time with their other parent. Sorry, but YABU.

MaudlinNamechange · 30/11/2016 11:08

The OP presumably means he is "babying" the twins in treating them as if the differences in sex are as irrelevant as they were when they were 4.

Not that it is babyish to share a room - but that developing 11 year olds (having periods) are different from small children.

What do the children want? We know that the twins are embarrassed about sharing with the opposite sex sibling. We know the 13 year old doesn't want to share with his brother. How do the girls feel about sharing with each other?

Has their father asked them?

Why does he want to do it this way? Does he know the twins are embarrassed?

Does he know about the 11 year old's periods?

WorraLiberty · 30/11/2016 11:10

Let the kids sort this with their Dad.

If they're really unhappy, at the age of 11 they'll stop going for overnight visits and then he'll have to start listening to them.

Other than that, I don't see a problem. I grew up as the youngest of 5 mixed sex siblings, in a 3 bed house.

We slept where we could, including for 3 week caravan holidays.

Lewwat · 30/11/2016 11:11

Who the hell do you think you are to dictate where they sleep?! The only one issuing threats (and being controlling) is you!!! You would rather keep your kids from their dad than let them decide where they all sleep.

GrabtharsHammer · 30/11/2016 11:11

That website is not a credible resource. There is no law against sharing. There are rules within social housing and some private rented properties, but they are guidelines, not legal requirements.

You are overreacting imo.

2kids2dogsnosense · 30/11/2016 11:11

YANBU.

Especially if DS2 has started her periods. how would she feel if she woke up one morning in a pool of blood (in fact, how would they both feel?). It would be embarrassing and humiliating for her.

If your boys need space from each other, let the girls share a room, but I agree that they boy/girl sharing is not appropriate.

Meadows76 · 30/11/2016 11:11

TBH I can't see why the period thing bears any weight. Assuming the DD changes her pads or whatever in the bathroom, wears pyjamas and sleeps under some form of duvet like the rest of us it's not really a bedroom issue. I have room shared when I have had my period before, nobody caught it

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