AIBU to ask that opposite sex siblings don't share bedroom at XH's?

[shallichangemyname]

We have 4 DCs, two girls 16 and 11, and two boys 13 and 11 (the 11 yos are boy/girl twins). At my home the boys share a room. XH put the twins in together, and I asked him not to as I thought they were too old now for that. He has 3 bedrooms available, so two of the DCs can have their own room and the other two must share. He agreed to change the arrangements. This was back in the summer. Now I've found out that he changed it only for a couple of weeks and then put them back in together and told them all to lie to me about it (in fact DD2 says that he threatened them that if I found out I would stop/reduce contact and he would then have to "drag mummy through the courts" and DS2 has independently confirmed that a similar comment was made to him). I've googled it and public housing law, as well as NSPCC recommendation, is that opposite sex siblings over 10 shouldn't share.

www.reference.com/government-politics/laws-u-k-siblings-sharing-bedroom-41d1d69a5864a28e#
We've had a bit of a row about it. He doesn't see what's wrong with it. He muttered something about putting DS2 on the sofa instead of with his sister. I don't think this is fair, he should have his own bedroom space shouldn't he (when it is available)? I think he is babying the twins to put them in together (they are quite young for their age), and he's prioritising the needs of the older DCs above the needs of the younger ones. Either the girls should share, or the boys, I really don't care and that's his choice (personally I think in in terms of age the boys are a better fit, but I acknowledge that the 13 yo hates sharing with his younger brother).

I feel strongly about this, and the lies. I've told him no overnights (but daytime will continue, so I'm not cutting off contact) until this is resolved. He says he'll take me to court. I don't care, I'll happily tell the judge that I'm content for overnight contact as long as they don't share a room.
For background, XH has spent the last 7 years living abroad and seeing the DCs only 3 or 4 times a year during holidays, so he has a bit of a black hole in his day to day parenting skills.
I don't care if they share for the odd night - eg if one of them is ill, if they go to visit friends/grandparents etc - but I think the home arrangement should be that the twins don't share.

The twins have both told me they'd be embarrassed if their friends knew they were sharing. The 11 yo DD has also just this week started her periods.

AIBU to ask for separate rooms, and AIBU to stop overnights until this is agreed?

It is irrelevant how public housing would allocate bedrooms! Many people cannot afford houses that mean that different sex siblings do not need to share.

I assume your twins are old enough to express their preference not to share to their father if they feel there is a reason they shouldn't.

YABU. We are having a similar issue right now and its annoying. DSC, all share a room when at their mums. she only has a 2 bedroomed place, has been offered a switch and keeps refusing as she doesn't want to leave the area. DCS are 14 (M) 12 (F) 9 (M)

Now, I get that its her choice to stay put and that but the kids are miserable. 14 YO wants privacy (as expected) 12 YO is starting to get cramps and such so I expect periods are due and I just find it quite bad that she has refused a load of swaps as she wants to stay in the same street. Not even area, just street.

Anyway, she has started moaning at us as the two lads share a room here. 12 YO gets her own (small box room) . Apparently the lads are going home moaning that their sister has her own room and they don't. They share a room that is at least 3x the size of hers, and we have offered to put a curtain thing up to 'split' the room if they want that but they said no.

So DHs ex wants us to put the three into the large room together to stop the boys moaning. I (and DH) find this disgraceful. If the space is there for her to have privacy when about to go through puberty, then surely its best she has it?! I know its not nice for the boys to share but there isn't really another option. And honestly, I would say DSDs privacy comes before their moaning, and surely slinging them all in together is just being spiteful? If anyone can understand this any differently please let me know, as it has caused many an argument here as we really cannot see it as anything else than spiting the girl because the boys are moaning :S

YABVU to stop overnight contact just because he won't do as you say. My children all share a room at their dads home (2 girls and a boy) and they survive just fine.

OP, you are right. Absolutely. Your ex has rooms available, the boys can go together in one, the girls together in another. You are right to think that your daughter won't want to share with boys now she menstruates. Your ex is entirely wrong to tell your children to lie to you about sleeping arrangements. You should stop overnight contact if your ex will not comply with your reasonable request.

MN is a silly place, sometimes.

I don't see an issue as long as the children are comfortable.

My two (DS 12 & dd 15) share hotel rooms on holiday & sometimes have sleepovers but if it's dds period she would avoid sharing those times. However she is on medication for exceptionally heavy ones.

yabvvvvvvu
sharing by age is, imo, more appropriate in most cases than by sex.
they are siblings.
your xh can make whatever arrangements are suitable.

I think you should be happy that they have 3 bedrooms between them.
DC are old enough to discuss and decide what they do at their father's house.
The bedroom arrangements do not need to be the same at both households. In fact there is a benefit to having different setup in the two houses. Then at least if any child doesn't like it, at least it's not all the time

It's not like they're step siblings. They are full siblings and grown up together from the year dot. I'm not sure I understand why you are so worried tbh? Is inappropriate behaviour occurring elsewhere that you are trying to stop? Presumably they can get dressed/undressed in the bathroom so other than actually sleeping in the room they are forced to do anything else.

I'm sorry but I think you are trying to control your ex.

He was right about how you would handle it to so not sure why that makes him a bad guy.

Sharing a room with a sibling of the opposite sex? Meh

But if the DC are unhappy, that is different - they need to tell him

Telling them to lie to you about it isn't on, but nothing you can do about it

I'm sorry but I think you are trying to control your ex.
Oh, for heaven's sake!
He could easily provide appropriate sleeping arrangements and doesn't. Asking that he does is not trying to 'control' him.

Monkey

Totally on your side - give this poor girl her privacy. She shouldn't have to be sharing with two boys at home even.

I know that in "olden times" people slept fifteen to a bed and both sexes were sometimes forced to bundle in together, but that doesn't mean it was pleasant or appropriate - after all, in the "olden days" people emptied chamber pots directly into the street as well.

If you can give her this little bit of privacy, let her have it. Alternatively, "split" the big room and give them turns in the box room with the other two sharing. (But personally I'd tell the lads to lump it!)

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. He has the room to accommodate single sex bedrooms, so why is he being an arse about it? it doesn't affect him and the children would be happier.

Some children do have to share unfortunately because of available space, your children do not.

YABU, by all means express your preference or suggestions but that's where you draw the line. You can't force your ex to live by your rules.
YABVU to stop contact, surely if your children aren't comfortable or happy with the current situation they can talk to their dad or express to you or him that they don't want to stay there.

I also think a court would take a dim view if you stopped overnight contact, unless you could prove there was a tangible safe guarding issue.

I don't understand the link tbh - is it just me? When 'the law' is mentioned does it not just refer to your rights for extra bedrooms when living in social housing? I don't see the relevance, sorry. I also think the NSPCC's 'guidance' that opposite sex children over the age of 10 shouldn't share a room is a bit strange. Surely every family and situation is different, just as the maturity of every child is different.

I think you've got your exH's back up by quoting 'laws' at him and basically telling him it's your way or the highway. It's easy to say you don't care if you stop contact and he takes you to court, but where are your DC left in all of this?

Maybe you need to calmy explain to your ex about your youngest recently starting her period and how that will make her feel about sharing. Then ask him to please reconsider.

But basically YABU - sorry.

I think you're being unreasonable.

How would you feel if your ex demanded you change your family set-up, and when you disagreed (believing what you were doing was fine) he threatened to stop them staying overnight with you?

He could easily provide appropriate sleeping arrangements and doesn't

Yes he does!

Asking that he does is not trying to 'control' him.

She is not asking anything, she is demanding and is now stopping overnight contact as she isn't getting her own way. This is controlling

tess threatening him to do as he is told or otherwise over night contact will stop is controlling. I'm not sure on what planet it wouldn't be

YABU

Wakes up in a pool of blood?! Wtf? So unlikely and also this is her twin not a stranger.

What on earth is this taboo around a girl having her period...are we living in the dark ages?

11 is perfectly normal to share a room with sibling...and think of all the families around the world...literally millions of them. ...where the whole family share a room.

waterrat

Did you never experience the self-consciousness and embarrassment of puberty?

How I envy you!

If this was a thread about an 11 year old getting changed in the opposite sex's changing rooms, everyone would be saying it was unacceptable. Apparently when it's siblings, the 11year olds just have to suck it up?

Also don't get the 'but if the kids are unhappy that's different' posts, since it seemed clear to me that a) they are, and b) their dad has ignored this and told them to lie about it. But apparently it's their mother who is behaving unacceptably.

Very unreasonable to stop overnight stays. As others have said the children are old enough to discuss this with their father if it's a problem. And it sounds to me as though they may well have done already. When you asked him to change the sleeping arrangements he did. This only lasted a few weeks before being changed back which sounds like it may not have been what people (other than you) wanted. Perhaps they did discuss it then with their father as they wanted to change back and he has warned them not to tell you as you would then stop contact. And he was right - you have done as he said you would.

Butterymuffin If they're forced to get changed in front of each other then yes, I think that's unacceptable. But presumably there is a bathroom.

Also, the people in changing rooms are strangers, not one's twin brother/sister.

YABU. There's no good reason for similar-age siblings not to share.
Periods? Well, the boys in the house should be taught that's natural and not shameful, and perhaps even to be nice and fetch their sister a hot water bottle if she's feeling crampy. And then the girls won't have a reason to feel so embarrassed.
There's no reason for you to get involved, unless perhaps the girls would rather share and for some reason he's not letting them. Otherwise, he's not out of line, frustrating as that may be for you.