AIBU to ask that opposite sex siblings don't share bedroom at XH's?

[shallichangemyname]

We have 4 DCs, two girls 16 and 11, and two boys 13 and 11 (the 11 yos are boy/girl twins). At my home the boys share a room. XH put the twins in together, and I asked him not to as I thought they were too old now for that. He has 3 bedrooms available, so two of the DCs can have their own room and the other two must share. He agreed to change the arrangements. This was back in the summer. Now I've found out that he changed it only for a couple of weeks and then put them back in together and told them all to lie to me about it (in fact DD2 says that he threatened them that if I found out I would stop/reduce contact and he would then have to "drag mummy through the courts" and DS2 has independently confirmed that a similar comment was made to him). I've googled it and public housing law, as well as NSPCC recommendation, is that opposite sex siblings over 10 shouldn't share.

www.reference.com/government-politics/laws-u-k-siblings-sharing-bedroom-41d1d69a5864a28e#
We've had a bit of a row about it. He doesn't see what's wrong with it. He muttered something about putting DS2 on the sofa instead of with his sister. I don't think this is fair, he should have his own bedroom space shouldn't he (when it is available)? I think he is babying the twins to put them in together (they are quite young for their age), and he's prioritising the needs of the older DCs above the needs of the younger ones. Either the girls should share, or the boys, I really don't care and that's his choice (personally I think in in terms of age the boys are a better fit, but I acknowledge that the 13 yo hates sharing with his younger brother).

I feel strongly about this, and the lies. I've told him no overnights (but daytime will continue, so I'm not cutting off contact) until this is resolved. He says he'll take me to court. I don't care, I'll happily tell the judge that I'm content for overnight contact as long as they don't share a room.
For background, XH has spent the last 7 years living abroad and seeing the DCs only 3 or 4 times a year during holidays, so he has a bit of a black hole in his day to day parenting skills.
I don't care if they share for the odd night - eg if one of them is ill, if they go to visit friends/grandparents etc - but I think the home arrangement should be that the twins don't share.

The twins have both told me they'd be embarrassed if their friends knew they were sharing. The 11 yo DD has also just this week started her periods.

AIBU to ask for separate rooms, and AIBU to stop overnights until this is agreed?

If the courts took into care all children over 10 who share a bedroom with an opposite sex sibling , we would have to build hundreds of children's homes.

Persian here it is:
www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/child-protection-system/legal-definition-child-rights-law/bedroom-sharing-moving-out/
I didn't give up CB, btw, I'm a 40% tax payer so am not entitled to it (I could claim it but then have to pay it back at the end of the year, what would be the point of that? There is no problem for me with him claiming it).

YABU for stopping overnight visits. The court is unlikely to side with you on this. You feel really strongly about this, but your ex feels equally as strongly. Why should your feelings take precedence over his? If the children are that upset then they can make the decision to stop staying overnight. If the situation was changed in your favour, the older children are going to be upset, so there aren't going to be happy outcomes either way.
I'm sure your would not be best pleased if he started interfering in the sleeping arrangements in your home. His house, his rules.
I do think he is bvu to tell the children he is going to drag you through court, that's not something the children should hear.

You can claim child benefit if you are not the main carer, as long as the other parent isn't claiming
Actually just double checked this and strictly speaking this is wrong.

The general rule is that -
Child benefit is paid to the main carer of children, so you can only claim it if your child lives with you most of the time. If your child spends some time at your home but sleeps over most nights at their other parent’s home you are unlikely to be able to claim child benefit. Child benefit is paid by HMRC.

It may well be that when HMRC spoke to you they thought that you shared 50/50 care but from your OP that is clearly not the case.

Why should your ExH be able to claim benefits as a single parent due to being the claimant of the CB just because you don't need to claim benefits due to your income??

Your kids are 16, 13 and 11 they are more than capable of asking their dad to sit down and discuss the arrangement with them, if they are unhappy. Your feelings on the arrangement are irrelevent as it is his house and his decision. How would you feel if he started telling you how you had to run your household, and if you didn't do it then he'd stop sending them back to you, except for prearranged times he approved of?

They need to decide amongst themselves how they would like to split the rooms and if they can't come up with a compromise that they are all happy with, then it's down to the resident parent to make the final choice.

Also, if their dad won't agree to a change in the arrangement, why can't they just change themselves? Just because their dad has said X is in X room, Y in Y doesn't mean that he can stop them if they choose to swap around...

My cousins and I used to regularly stay at my grandparents' at weekends as kids. She had 3 bedrooms for 5 of us - four girls (one 5 yrs older than me, then siblings - one a year older than me and the other 4 years younger) and 1 boy (my brother, 3 years youngerthan me) My nan used to insist that the oldest two girls shared, the two middles shared and my brother got his own room as the only boy. We hated that arrangement ... the older cousin hated sharing with a cousin so much younger; I was really close to the older of the siblings (as we were only a year apart), my brother wasn't fussed at sharing or sleeping alone (he was more upset at having to go to bed earlier than us older ones) and it was always such a drama at bedtime because I shared with the younger sibling, who went to bed earlier and was a light sleeper.

Eventually, despite my nan's decisions regarding rooming arrangements, we all decided amongst ourselves (well, maybe not decided, more bed and room hopped enough during the nights that the usual ending arrangement would end up that) the older cousin would get the single room, me and the older sibling would share and my brother and the younger sibling would share ... my nan wasn't happy we changed the arrangement, but short of moving us all into different beds/rooms as we slept (and after we got past 6 there's no way she could lift most of us as she was only petite) there wasn't much she could do about it, and once she realised how much happier we all were with the new set up, she left us to it.

There is currently no law in the United Kingdom about children of different genders sharing a bedroom.

From your link OP.

It would be this bit that the court are interested in.

I forgot to mention as well that I have seen cases that sound like yours before in which the ExH claims the CB and then as he is deemed to be the main carer of the children is then able to claim for maintenance from the mother.

Please OP be very careful with regards to the CB.

Persian this is going a bit off thread, but I am right. I told them how many nights they spend with him (4 per fortnight) and I am quite clearly the main carer. They said as long as he is spending at least an amount of money equivalent to the amount of the CB on them (which could be maintenance, or a proportion of his rent, utilities, food, clothes etc) then he can claim. I asked them this specifically, they noted down carefully the days they are with him and that I was the primary carer (presumably they did this to stop a fraudulent claim to WTC), but said he could definitely claim. It would be different if I wanted to claim - if there were rival claims then I would be the one to get it. But I'm not claiming and have no intention to do so.

Persian here it is:
Thank you.

There is no problem for me with him claiming it
Yes there is.

Unfortunately I have got an appointment now but as soon as he gets the CB claim he can be classed as "main carer" and a single parent and that passports him to a whole load of other benefits and sometimes even the right to ask for maintenance from you.

General advice regarding CB claimant -
The question of which parent is entitled to the child benefit has implications for receipt of related benefits such as child tax credit and working tax credit. These are generally paid to the main carer – the one who gets the child benefit. It has an even more significant implication if the CSA / CMS is involved. If the CSA / CMS cannot see clearly who is the “parent with care” and who is the “non-resident parent” it will look simply to the one who receives the child benefit and that parent will become the only “parent with care” for CSA assessment purposes – entitled then to make a claim against the other parent.

Yay I

Persian this is going a bit off thread, but I am right
Fair enough, I have just checked this with the advice centre supervisor and she has said that I am right but I am not going to argue with you about it.

We have both seen cases like yours in the past, her more so than me.

WTC
I think you mean CTC as that is Child Tax Credit and WTC is Working Tax Credit.

Piglet I know it's not law. But surely a court would pay some heed to the law in relation to public housing and to the recommendation of a body like the NSPCC? If I was saying no overnights unless he moved to a bigger house, then yes I'd lose and be unreasonable - but where he has the room for the twins not to have to share, and where they are actively saying they don't want to share (albeit DD2 being more vociferous on this point than DS2) and given their ages/onset of puberty, I think that I'd win the argument. It wouldn't cost me anything, I'd act in person. It's a very simple and discrete issue and I'm sure that we could resolve it at the first hearing with the assistance of a CAFCASS officer and the magistrates/clerk. I know the procedures etc because I work in this area of the law. I have already asked him if he will see a mediator with me so someone can help us discuss this.

Fair enough, I have just checked this with the advice centre supervisor and she has said that I am right but I am not going to argue with you about it.

In 4 minutes since the last post the op made you have called child benefit, managed to not only get through but to spoken to a supervisor also, just to confirm something is correct for a random person on the internet?

I don't hugely see the issue with 11 year old BG twins sharing. They can get dressed/changed in the bathroom and be fully covered up in the bedrooms. It isn't all the time. Only a few nights a month.

hen I raised it with him a few months ago (when he moved back here) it was my concern, the children hadn't said anything. I just felt that as they were approaching puberty it would be sensible to start off in a new home with either the boys or the girls sharing

Exactly. YOU decided, you wanted, they are telling you they are bothered by the arrangements now because you have basically told them that it is wrong and they should be upset.
In all likelihood it would be fine with everyone if you had kept your nose out.

Tups I read it that Persian works at the CAB or similar...

You've already said the boys don't like sharing which they do at your house.
What's the difference between the twins having to share when they don't want to and the boys having to share when they don't want to?

How would you feel OP if your exH started to dictate to you what goes on in your house and if you didn't do as he said, he would stop you seeing DC?

managed to not only get through but to spoken to a supervisor
Yes because she is sat at the desk on the other side of the room from me, in the advice centre.

Lewwat Wed 30-Nov-16 11:11:15
Who the hell do you think you are to dictate where they sleep?!

Why are you being so rude?

In answer to your question: she thinks she is the children's mother, the one who spends the most time with them, the one who knows them the best, the one who has experiences of her own to draw on, and the one who feels most responsible.

I read it that Persian works at the CAB or similar...
I volunteer somewhere similar to the CAB.

What's the difference between the twins having to share when they don't want to and the boys having to share when they don't want to?

Because sex. People who are seriously worried about their own young twins sharing a room just because they are different genders obviously have bigger family problems.

That's a ridiculous use of the Court's resources. Honestly. It is a difference of opinion, a difference if priority. You think he's prioritising the older children, you're obviously prioritising DD2. Perhaps your job is to reassure DD2 that there's no need to be embarrassed or ways in which she can feel better.

Yes because she is sat at the desk on the other side of the room from me, in the advice centre.

Please accept my apologies