AIBU to ask that opposite sex siblings don't share bedroom at XH's?

[shallichangemyname]

We have 4 DCs, two girls 16 and 11, and two boys 13 and 11 (the 11 yos are boy/girl twins). At my home the boys share a room. XH put the twins in together, and I asked him not to as I thought they were too old now for that. He has 3 bedrooms available, so two of the DCs can have their own room and the other two must share. He agreed to change the arrangements. This was back in the summer. Now I've found out that he changed it only for a couple of weeks and then put them back in together and told them all to lie to me about it (in fact DD2 says that he threatened them that if I found out I would stop/reduce contact and he would then have to "drag mummy through the courts" and DS2 has independently confirmed that a similar comment was made to him). I've googled it and public housing law, as well as NSPCC recommendation, is that opposite sex siblings over 10 shouldn't share.

www.reference.com/government-politics/laws-u-k-siblings-sharing-bedroom-41d1d69a5864a28e#
We've had a bit of a row about it. He doesn't see what's wrong with it. He muttered something about putting DS2 on the sofa instead of with his sister. I don't think this is fair, he should have his own bedroom space shouldn't he (when it is available)? I think he is babying the twins to put them in together (they are quite young for their age), and he's prioritising the needs of the older DCs above the needs of the younger ones. Either the girls should share, or the boys, I really don't care and that's his choice (personally I think in in terms of age the boys are a better fit, but I acknowledge that the 13 yo hates sharing with his younger brother).

I feel strongly about this, and the lies. I've told him no overnights (but daytime will continue, so I'm not cutting off contact) until this is resolved. He says he'll take me to court. I don't care, I'll happily tell the judge that I'm content for overnight contact as long as they don't share a room.
For background, XH has spent the last 7 years living abroad and seeing the DCs only 3 or 4 times a year during holidays, so he has a bit of a black hole in his day to day parenting skills.
I don't care if they share for the odd night - eg if one of them is ill, if they go to visit friends/grandparents etc - but I think the home arrangement should be that the twins don't share.

The twins have both told me they'd be embarrassed if their friends knew they were sharing. The 11 yo DD has also just this week started her periods.

AIBU to ask for separate rooms, and AIBU to stop overnights until this is agreed?

I understand why you are unhappy with the arrangement, but as others have said the DC are old enough to speak to their father about it themselves.

What on earth is this taboo around a girl having her period...are we living in the dark ages?

Exactly and if an 11yr old girl sharing a room with a younger sister, woke up 'in pool a of blood', I'm sure the little girl would be 'horrified' too.

I don't get the period thing. It's not like they're sharing a bed.

If she wakes up with some blood on her sheets/pyjamas, it's quite likely her brother won't even notice.

If this was a thread about an 11 year old getting changed in the opposite sex's changing rooms, everyone would be saying it was unacceptable. Nobody mentioned getting changed in front of each other ffs. They could exercise a little common sense and get changed in the bathroom

Whilst sharing is not ideal, perhaps he cannot afford to provide an extra room. The social housing point is difficult, i guess it could be nice to have that luxury.
Does he provide maintenance for the children? It is often overlooked that the none resident parent recieves no child benefit, access to child tax credits or increased housing benefit.
Perhaps its a financial problem?

I was taught periods were natural and such, but I still got embarrassed if I came on around boys. I also used to get really stupid about asking my dad to get tampons if we ran out..I was fine saying to my mum but I was all awkward with my dad even though I knew it was all fine. Think its just a teen thing.

Wakes up in a pool of blood?! Wtf? So unlikely and also this is her twin not a stranger

Waking up on blood soaked sheets happened to me quite a lot, both as a child and an adult so hardly "unlikely". And I would have died with embarrassment at age 11 if I had to try and negotiate myself out of my bedroom if my brother had been there.

I'm welcoming and valuing these opinions, that's why I put up the post, I wanted to know if I was being a bit OTT.
I just thought telling the children that he will drag me through the courts is a bit unnecessary. The fact is, we had a chat about it a few months ago, quite a nice one, where I explained how I felt and he said "OK, I'll put the girls in together then". I said that this made sense, because it is the opposite in my home, and so it mean everyone would have their "own" room in one house or the other. But then he changed it back and told them to lie about it.
I hadn't dealt with the children's wishes in my OP, but some have asked. The answer to this is that the twins don't want to share, particularly the girl. She was crying about it, saying she'd explained how she felt to her DF and he had said "well go and change in the bathroom then" (she felt he was very dismissive of her feelings), and he also told her that it's more important for her older sister to have her own room than for her. So he is ignoring her wishes/feelings. Both twins have told me they would be embarrassed if their friends knew they were sharing with their sister/brother (such embarrassment would not apply if they were sharing with a same sex sibling).
I don't want to control what goes on his home. But I also feel strongly that what he is doing is wrong. It's a very fine line.

Wanking did you mean BU or NBU, you say BU but your post seems to indicate otherwise.
I'm not stopping contact, although I have suspended overnights - he can still have them all day until bed time. Like I said in my OP, I was uncomfortable about doing this but couldn't think what else to do so he would take this seriously. I can see why some of you think it's controlling, I take your points.

The point about babying is just what Maudlin says really - developing 11 year olds (having periods) are different from small children. They used to share when they were younger (in fact the three younger ones used to share and when the twins were 7 I put the girl in her own very small room and the boys shared the much bigger room). The room the boys share in my house now is the biggest bedroom, and I put up a partition down the middle so that they each have their own area/privacy from each other.

YANBU at ask to change but YABU to cut contact.

I really don't see why he doesn't put the 2 boys in together at 11 and 13 it's not exactly a big gap then the 16 and 11 yo girls have their own rooms.

If the kids are upset and embarrassed by his arrangements then you are not being unreasonable by trying to stick Up for them. However they are old enough to fight this battle. I suspect the more you stick your oar in the more he will resist just to piss you off.

They need to tell him that they want to change. You need to butt out. The fact you cut overnight contact over it will likely go against you in Court. Age 10 is a guideline not a law. Yes he is an ass for doing it when it's not needed but at the same time it's nothing to do with you. It is your kids battle so equip them to fight it and stay out of it.

"Did you never experience the self-consciousness and embarrassment of puberty?"

This applies to all equally to all four siblings. Perhaps the older boy would appreciate some space and privacy to knit Fair Isle scarves (or whatever else adolescent males get up to)?

There won't be a solution that fits perfectly. His solution isn't any worse than the OP's.

Same here, Laguna

I've googled it and public housing law, as well as NSPCC recommendation, is that opposite sex siblings over 10 shouldn't share
The website you have found is nonsense and contains a lot of false information.

I really don't see what the problem is. Unless you think your twins are embarrassed to be sharing (which is be more worried about why they we embarrassed and who was putting notions in their head that it's wrong to share with an opposite sex sibling). Or unless you think they are likely to start behaving inappropriately together. Surely not.

I think you need to stay out of this. Their father is not doing anything that merits concern and I think the kids can speak for themselves on this one.

Stopping overnight contact is frankly rediculous and very controlling.

Anyone asked the kids what they would like to do?

If the twins don't want to share rooms, as you say, then yes it does need to be resolved.

Can you call him again to discuss, and explain how much it is upsetting the 11 year old girl?

I meant BU. Just we are in a very similar situation but in reverse so I waffled a bit.

I understand your concerns though but ultimately, its up to him how he sorts out sleeping arrangements at his house. How would you like it if it was the other way around and he was saying the kids couldn't stay over unless you did exactly what he wanted?

user1471.... I'm not sure of the relevance, but he pays no maintenance (he came back from abroad so there is no earnings history, and he has told the CMS that he is earning nothing although he clearly his), he's the one receiving child benefit and as the 16 yo is 50:50 in each home I assume he will be able to claim WTC and possibly also housing benefit (I'm a 40% tax payer so not entitled to any of these). I don't expect him to provide an extra room. I just think feel that it's either the boys or the girls who should share now that the twins are the age they are.
I think after he'd agreed to change the arrangements, they just drifted back to how they had originally been (ie twins sharing) - apparently what happened was the 16 yo had norovirus so he quite sensibly took DD2 out of the room they shared and put her in with her brother. But then he just never changed it back.

I'm confused as fuck here.

If your twin DD was crying and getting really upset etc, why did you say "The fact is, we had a chat about it a few months ago, quite a nice one, where I explained how I felt and he said "OK, I'll put the girls in together then"??

Surely that conversation should have been about your DD and about how she felt?

Do you think there's a chance she's only upset about it because you are?

Perhaps this is why she's still happy to go to he Dad's for overnight visits? Maybe she doesn't care as much as you apparently do?

wanking monkey

I am in shock at your situation. I understand 3 kids sharing if it's the only option but if she's been offered bigger houses but won't take them because they are on a different street? Unless she has some serious issues that mean she can't cope with a move this is just Insanity.

I suspect the actual situation is they are moaning that they all have to share at her house and she wants you to make them all share as well so she can say it's not just her...

YABU to try to enforce your personal rules about sleeping arragements. The NSPCC Do NOT " recommend that opposite sex siblings do not share ". That's nonsense and it's not what the link you provide says, it merely quotes housing policy and rules on overcrowding. It's only relevant if your ex is planning to apply for council housing on the grounds that he's overcrowded.

Millions of children all round the world and in the Uk share with opposite sex siblings and often parents too.My children are the same ages as yours and they often CHOOSE to share rooms at weekends and on holidays , even though they have their own bedrooms. They think it's fun.

The older ones get changed in the bathroom and the younger ones are usually running around in their underwear anyway.

As long as the children are happy with the arragements, it's entirely up to your ex how he arranges his house. You will cause a lot of trouble for yourself and your children if you can't accept this.

And as other have said, you will be laughed out of court if you take legal action. Though I'm sure any reasonable solicitor would advise you not to proceed.

I know it's tough, but one of the problems in divorce is that you not longer have any influence over how your ex brings up your kids, unless there is abuse or neglect.

Sorry, Op, missed your post about the twins not wanting to share.

He really should be respecting that.

If he thinks that the 16yr old should have her own room then why doesn't he let the boys share?

How often do they stay & how much stuff do they have there?

Perhaps they could take it in turns to share?

Even if he thinks that the oldest should have her own room, surely it would be acceptable for your other daughter to change in there for example?

Yanbu. Your dd needs a little privacy.

You've suspended overnights?

Why don't the kids speak up? Don't they mind? How has your ex allowed this? I know mine would go ballistic if I suspended overnight - I wouldn't even know how to actually do that.

Yabu nothing to do with you. If dd11 was refusing to go because of sleeping arrangements fair enough but not up to you to stop overnight contact ..

I completely understand now why he has chose the sleeping arrangements that way now.

Your eldest dd stays there 50% of the time = deserves own room.
Your eldest ds hates sharing with his little brother, which he has to at your house = deserves his own room at his Dads.
Your twins are still young enough to not need their own rooms = they share.

btw, maintenance has nothing to do with contact, they are completely separate.

YANBU to ask but BVU to demand. What's so wrong with sharing a room with a sibling? Presumably they can take turns getting changed or change in the bathroom.

My DSS and DSD shared a bedroom at our house until they were 15 and 16. It was their space, they had their own wardrobes and desks. They had option of one sleeping in office on sofa-bed but chose the share the bedroom instead.