AIBU to ask that opposite sex siblings don't share bedroom at XH's?

[shallichangemyname]

We have 4 DCs, two girls 16 and 11, and two boys 13 and 11 (the 11 yos are boy/girl twins). At my home the boys share a room. XH put the twins in together, and I asked him not to as I thought they were too old now for that. He has 3 bedrooms available, so two of the DCs can have their own room and the other two must share. He agreed to change the arrangements. This was back in the summer. Now I've found out that he changed it only for a couple of weeks and then put them back in together and told them all to lie to me about it (in fact DD2 says that he threatened them that if I found out I would stop/reduce contact and he would then have to "drag mummy through the courts" and DS2 has independently confirmed that a similar comment was made to him). I've googled it and public housing law, as well as NSPCC recommendation, is that opposite sex siblings over 10 shouldn't share.

www.reference.com/government-politics/laws-u-k-siblings-sharing-bedroom-41d1d69a5864a28e#
We've had a bit of a row about it. He doesn't see what's wrong with it. He muttered something about putting DS2 on the sofa instead of with his sister. I don't think this is fair, he should have his own bedroom space shouldn't he (when it is available)? I think he is babying the twins to put them in together (they are quite young for their age), and he's prioritising the needs of the older DCs above the needs of the younger ones. Either the girls should share, or the boys, I really don't care and that's his choice (personally I think in in terms of age the boys are a better fit, but I acknowledge that the 13 yo hates sharing with his younger brother).

I feel strongly about this, and the lies. I've told him no overnights (but daytime will continue, so I'm not cutting off contact) until this is resolved. He says he'll take me to court. I don't care, I'll happily tell the judge that I'm content for overnight contact as long as they don't share a room.
For background, XH has spent the last 7 years living abroad and seeing the DCs only 3 or 4 times a year during holidays, so he has a bit of a black hole in his day to day parenting skills.
I don't care if they share for the odd night - eg if one of them is ill, if they go to visit friends/grandparents etc - but I think the home arrangement should be that the twins don't share.

The twins have both told me they'd be embarrassed if their friends knew they were sharing. The 11 yo DD has also just this week started her periods.

AIBU to ask for separate rooms, and AIBU to stop overnights until this is agreed?

Nobody gets evicted because of 'bedroom tax'. Bedroom tax is rhe phrase that was coined to describe limits on housing benefit. So if your family in,y needs 2 bedrooms and are living in a 3 bed any housing benefit claim will only cover the rental on a 2 bedroom. If someone has been evicted the likelyhood is that they never made up the shortfall.

If someone has been evicted the likelyhood is that they never made up the shortfall.

^^This.

The eviction would have been due to rent arrears accrude because they did not pay the "top up" of the HB.

If your family in,y needs 2 bedrooms and are living in a 3 bed any housing benefit claim will only cover the rental on a 2 bedroom
No it doesn't work like that.

If you have one spare bedroom then your HB is reduced by 14% and 25% if you have two or more spare bedrooms.

Any other way of reducing it would be a nightmare to calculate.

The eviction would have been due to rent arrears
So not actually due to the bedroom tax at all then, which was kind of my point.

Are you addressing me Persian?

I never questioned you I was agreeing with Meadows

Are you addressing me Persian?
What I mean is that you hit the nail on the head there by stating that it was because of the rent arrears that WankingMonkey's friend got evicted.

I was agreeing with you in that WankingMonkey blamed her friend's eviction on the bedroom tax yet you saw straight through it and said NO it was because of the arrears.

Sorry that you thought that I was having a dig at you.

I was really looking forward to co-parenting. When he was away we had far more and constructive co-operation/dialogue than we have now. I always kept him informed and asked for his opinion/input.

That's not co-parenting. That's you keeping him informed and asking his opinion. He wasn't responsible for the DC's on a day to day basis, so co-parenting situations like "limited screentime in both homes", "brushing teeth before bed" and sibling sharing arrangements just didn't arise.

Now he's playing more of a parenting role in their lives, he has clearly decided that co-parenting with you isn't something he wants to do. Given his accurate assessment of your reaction if you discovered that he "wasn't doing it your way", it seems apparent that he wants to be an equal parent, not one who feels that he has to concede to your wishes. No matter how friendly the conversation you had with him was, you clearly left him with the impression that if he deviated from the agreement, then you would not be happy, and may well react by limiting contact - which, you have done. That's not co-parenting.

You've had a conversation about it. But, in this case, you don't agree. That happens when you co-parent. At the end of the day, this is not a situation that can be compromised on; all the while the arrangement is for all DC's to be together in the homes that you and he currently live in, then it is either your way, or his way. There is no middle ground.

You either have to accept that in his home, he does it his way, or, insist that he does it yours and accept that it is you, not he, that is deviating from the coparenting you say you want.

Sorry that you thought that I was having a dig at you.

No worries. The tone of a post is hard to gage sometimes.

The tone of a post is hard to gage sometimes
I know it is so weird as when you speak to someone face to face you have so much more than their words to help you understand what they are saying.

How do you mean evicted because of bedroom tax??

Long story short, she was trying to downsize even before it came in. There is a huge shortage of smaller properties in our area. She couldn't afford to pay the extra and couldn't downsize. Did not have the bond/guarantor to go private. Ended up with a decent amount of rent arrears and was evicted, only to be moved into a B&B and for her home to still be empty now months later. So now council is paying for her B&B and have an empty property sat there that they cannot let out as not enough people are seeking/can afford 4 bedroom places.

So yes, not because of the bedroom tax, but indirectly because of it

When we first discussed it he put the girls in together. I liked the symmetry of that as they all got their own space somewhere ... The 16 yo stays there extra days on her own so she is the one who gets most private time i(if she was to share with her sister on the days she is there too).

Since your elder daughter is spending more time at her dad's without the others and she has her own room at your house, you effectively have a room spare a lot of the time and two boys who aren't keen on sharing ... so wouldn't it be better to have your girls share a room at your house, allowing the boys their own space for most of the time (and your younger DD will effectively have her own room a lot of the time anywaywhen her sister isn't there)?

Then at dad's the boys could share and, while your boys don't like sharing, it will only be for a few days in the month rather than the majority of the time, and your girls can have their own rooms - mostly because your elder daughter spends more time there and so will probably have more stuff there than the others who are only there every other weekend.

DS2 has Aspergers. It is quite mild atm, but I was advised it could get significantly worse at around this age as his peers' social interactions change/mature at a faster rate, leaving him behind. As things are now, he is a bit "different" and a bit immature for his age. He can come across as rude or blunt due to the lack of filter. And he lacks self confidence and is a bit immature. He has a different concept/understanding of boundaries. This is a big reason for me to prefer him not to share with his sister, why I am worried about him/them being babied,and I also worry it will make him more "different" to his peers (in that few/none of them will be sharing with a sister and he could be teased). Poor kid has enough to deal with without this on top. Also, I think his ASD would make him far less sensitive towards his sister's need for privacy.
I didn't mention this in my OP or subsequent posts. TBH I find it hard to talk about and I also didn't want to hang my whole reasoning on his ASD. But it does have an influence over my thinking.

melj yes I have thought about that and it is something I've raised with DD1.

I'm happy to balance things out by reconsidering my own arrangements, I'm not an island.

YABVU

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a parent deciding its perfectly fine for his 11 yo twins sharing a bedroom so that the older siblings can have their own rooms.

I don't get under what right one parent can stop the other parent from having overnight contact. Their are two parents, it is not a unilateral decision. This will look very bad when its gets back to court.

There isn't legislation in the United Kingdom on bedroom sharing, the NSPCC's 'advice' does not overrule a parents reasonable decision.

I can see the DD might be upset her siblings have their own bedroom and wanting her own. I can see one parent being told one thing and the other something different, playing them off against each other.

I can see jealously about money and benefits coming through and a controlling parent wanting to dictate to the other.

Parents have a 'reasonable' conversation and come to agreement.

One parent takes away "great I have got him to do what I want", the other
"crap she is trying to control me again and if I dont do what I am told I will forced into court. The only thing I can do is hope the kids don't tell I am ignoring her demands". - Rock and hard place.

I'm also concerned that his reaction to things is to be defensive and not to communicate - Or do you really mean your ability to control manipulate him is restricted unless he tells you everything?

I have been through this and I know that children adopt very quickly to living in two different houses with two DIFFERENT set of rules. The problem is when one parent doesn't like that and for whatever reason wants to enforce their rules at both houses. The children are always the ones that suffer, courts make it worse and then hatred develops and spreads. Sadly I know quite often a parent will never learn because no matter how much harm it does to their children they can always blame someone else.

He has a different concept/understanding of boundaries. This is a big reason for me to prefer him not to share with his sister,

If you are concerned that he will "lack boundaries" in his relationship with his sister as he enters adolescence, then I suggest that you seek professional support, in order to protect her from him.

There is no public housing law.

NN it's not that bad! A sibling doesn't need prosmfessional protection from another sibling with Aspergers. But it is a factor in bedroom sharing. E.g. He will lack awareness of the need for privacy. E.g. He might mention private things in front of friends at school. That sort of thing. There is no need for professional intervention!!

He might mention private things in front of friends at school. That sort of thing.

Like what?

What would you have done if your ex was still living abroad? Would you have dictated to him how he should manage the DCs sleeping arrangements in order to prevent your DS from "mentioning" private things.

Arguably, the fact that it is a regular, but not full time, arrangement, should help both of them - your DD is able to adapt to accommodate her DB's Aspergers for the short periods she's at her dads, and he will gradually become familiar with the routine and won't consider it unusual that he sees his DSis in her pyjamas (for instance) even if he doesn't see her like that in your home.

And, as I said upthread, the boundaries regarding periods have totally changed in the last few years in my experience; none of the teens I know would be interested if your DS told them that his DSis had a period/leaked/had cramps. They all share this with each other anyway.

He might mention private things in front of friends at school.

He might mention private things at school, at his mothers, his fathers, in the kitchen, the lounge or even the bedroom. What has that got to do with sharing a bedroom with his twin or stopping one parent from having overnight access?

Of all the things that I can imagine a child being teased about, sharing with a sibling is very very far down the list . I think you are clutching at straws here TBH.

Also if your child with ASD doesn't have social boundaries, you need to teach him.

You seem to have very strong feelings about what you call " babying " and also quite sexualised concerns about young children. I'm wondering if this has been caused by things in your own background . If so perhaps it might help to talk to a counsellor about it .

YABU. It's not your place to dictate how things are at their dad's house .

I'm astonished at the hysteria over menstruation here.

I have two boys aged 11 and 13. They have witnessed period accidents with both me and dd. But because we don't treat menstruation as a big shameful secret they don't get their pants in a twist over it either.

The OP's dcs don't have to undress in front of each other if they share a room and it won't kill either child if they witness a bit of leaked menstrual blood on clothes or sheets.