AIBU to ask that opposite sex siblings don't share bedroom at XH's?

[shallichangemyname]

We have 4 DCs, two girls 16 and 11, and two boys 13 and 11 (the 11 yos are boy/girl twins). At my home the boys share a room. XH put the twins in together, and I asked him not to as I thought they were too old now for that. He has 3 bedrooms available, so two of the DCs can have their own room and the other two must share. He agreed to change the arrangements. This was back in the summer. Now I've found out that he changed it only for a couple of weeks and then put them back in together and told them all to lie to me about it (in fact DD2 says that he threatened them that if I found out I would stop/reduce contact and he would then have to "drag mummy through the courts" and DS2 has independently confirmed that a similar comment was made to him). I've googled it and public housing law, as well as NSPCC recommendation, is that opposite sex siblings over 10 shouldn't share.

www.reference.com/government-politics/laws-u-k-siblings-sharing-bedroom-41d1d69a5864a28e#
We've had a bit of a row about it. He doesn't see what's wrong with it. He muttered something about putting DS2 on the sofa instead of with his sister. I don't think this is fair, he should have his own bedroom space shouldn't he (when it is available)? I think he is babying the twins to put them in together (they are quite young for their age), and he's prioritising the needs of the older DCs above the needs of the younger ones. Either the girls should share, or the boys, I really don't care and that's his choice (personally I think in in terms of age the boys are a better fit, but I acknowledge that the 13 yo hates sharing with his younger brother).

I feel strongly about this, and the lies. I've told him no overnights (but daytime will continue, so I'm not cutting off contact) until this is resolved. He says he'll take me to court. I don't care, I'll happily tell the judge that I'm content for overnight contact as long as they don't share a room.
For background, XH has spent the last 7 years living abroad and seeing the DCs only 3 or 4 times a year during holidays, so he has a bit of a black hole in his day to day parenting skills.
I don't care if they share for the odd night - eg if one of them is ill, if they go to visit friends/grandparents etc - but I think the home arrangement should be that the twins don't share.

The twins have both told me they'd be embarrassed if their friends knew they were sharing. The 11 yo DD has also just this week started her periods.

AIBU to ask for separate rooms, and AIBU to stop overnights until this is agreed?

Please accept my apologies
That's OK as much as I like to help I wouldn't have made a phone call for some random person on the internet but we were just chatting whilst eating our sandwiches before the afternoon crowd and I just asked for the supervisor's advice.

Depends on the children and how they feel, I think. I shared with my brothers and we talked all night.

I would say the sensible thing to do is for the boys to share, as there is only a 2 year age gap and for the girls to have their own rooms BUT it is your XH's house and his rules and yabvu thinking about stopping contact over a very minor issue.

I really disagree with people who say that this should be left to the 11 year olds to negotiate for themselves. With the best will in the world, it isn't easy for children of that age to stand up for themselves against older siblings and their father, particularly when they don't know the father that well and he is entrenched in his own views, which seems to be the case here.

I would be particularly concerned that he is not listening to your younger daughter and son and completely overriding their wishes when it would be a very simple matter for him to resolve.

This is ludicrous!

paying for mediation and wasting court time over the sleeping arrangements of 4 pre-teen/teenage children?

OP, as you work in the sector, you will know that the very first thing that your Ex's legal representative will do is highlight how inconsistent your behaviour is.

You have trusted your ex to care for the DC's abroad, and continue to place them in his care. Yet you claim that your ex is putting them at risk? Why place them in his care at all?

You can't co-parent with someone who wants to parallel-parent. It is controlling and more importantly, very damaging for the DC's.
You and he disagree on how to parent your DC's - allow him to do it his way, while you do it yours, and save your intervention for issues that really matter - such as when your DC's are at risk.

[as an aside, for all those people who remember being embarrassed about periods in front of brothers and other boys - in my experience, it's all different these days. Young people will openly discuss periods, cramps, sanitary products and leaks/flooding amongst each other irrespective of their sex or gender]

On the news this week, it said that you should claim CB, even if you have to pay it back again, because it affects your pension rights.

Really oldie? I'll have to look into this.
Persian I can see the CB could be a problem if he wanted to try to pretend he is the main carer. But he's told both CB and CMS what the real arrangements are (which they have confirmed to me). The recipient of CB MAY be deemed primary carer where there is a 50:50 arrangement and no other way to make the distinction. But this doesn't apply to me/us. I'm happy for him to get anything he is entitled to and don't want to stop him for the sake of it. He isn't one of those exes who will do all he can to screw me over. I referred to WTC, in reality I don't know the difference between that and CTC (he is working if that makes a difference). Thank you for pointing out the pitfalls, I do appreciate it

I would be particularly concerned that he is not listening to your younger daughter and son and completely overriding their wishes when it would be a very simple matter for him to resolve.

OP is overriding her DC wishes aswell as her DS don't like sharing at her house either.....

I don't get the criticism for suggesting mediation, a way in which we might get together with someone who might help us to thrash this out (as well as our general communication/co-operation issues), which is likely to be useful for us as separated parents and which wouldn't cost the state anything.

He isn't one of those exes who will do all he can to screw me over
As long as you are happy and aware of the pitfalls then that is OK, I don't know you or your ExH and obviously here we only see people once it has gone wrong and they need help.

It said that you should claim CB, even if you have to pay it back again, because it affects your pension rights
You should always claim the CB as it ensures that you get NI credits until the kids are 12 (I think) but I can check for you later.

Obviously as the OP's kids are older and she is a 40% taxpayer this may already be covered for her.

Got to dash, thanks

Thank you Persian

I am in shock at your situation. I understand 3 kids sharing if it's the only option but if she's been offered bigger houses but won't take them because they are on a different street? Unless she has some serious issues that mean she can't cope with a move this is just Insanity.

Yes its a little mental. She grew up on the street they are in now and I will be honest, it is a LOVELY street. Its mainly older retired people there so she gets no trouble at all. But 2 bedrooms for her and 3 kids is just not feasible. She has been offered places that are closer to the kids' school too and turned them down, she has told the council that she will only move to a 3/4 bedroomed in the same street. She was told that could be 20 years or so to wait :S

Social housing...so I do understand being worried about where you might end up as when I was a kid one of the council estates near us was really rough. But the places she has been offered..are fine.

I suspect DSS will move in with us in 2 years anyway as he has said this for years now. But she will still have the issue of having (then) 14 year old DSD and 11 year old DSS in the same room when there is the option of a larger place.

One of my friends was recently evicted because of this 'bedroom tax' thing that was apparently brought in to help families who were overcrowded. So I have little patience when she is moaning about having no space when I know in the past 2 years she has turned down 4 properties (three 3 bedroom, one 4). Hell one of them even had a huge garden out back and front. Seems crazy to me but whatever makes her happy I guess.

Normally I am on the side of "the older the child the more need for privacy" and also that girls by and large need privacy more than boys (periods etc). And also to counteract the fact that society in general gives boys the impression they are more important than girls so you wouldn't want to reinforce that by making girls share while boys have their own space.

But in your case, as they girls have own rooms and your house, maybe they could share and boys have own rooms with your ex? A bit more fair.

Is it a council home?

If so then the law says that opposite sex siblings over 10 cannot share.

If it's owned or privately rented then they are only guidelines.

"If so then the law says that opposite sex siblings over 10 cannot share."

Ha! It most certainly does not.

You are legally entitled to re-apply for a larger council house once one of your mixed-sex DC reaches 10, but they're under no legal obligation to provide you with one.

If so then the law says that opposite sex siblings over 10 cannot share.

No it doesn't.

Sorry but to add to the many YABUs YABU.

Sleeping in the same room 4 nights every 2 weeks will not do them any harm and as dad says your DD can change in the bathroom or even have a do not disturb sign on the door when she is changing.

It is no reason to cut contact. Let him parent his way and let him deal with the DC when they are with him if they are unhappy.

PP are right this is about you trying to control him and his contact.
If he did take you to court it could very well go in his favour.

So your 11 year old daughter 'strongly' doesn't want to share.

Your 11 year old son 'less strongly', but still, doesn't want to share.

Your 13 year old son 'hates' sharing.

You don't say how the 16 year old girl feels, but I'm going to go out on a limb and assume she's not thrilled about sharing either.

So none of the children want to share, but two of them have to, and whatever each of you as parents choose someone will be unhappy. I really can't see that your choice of children to share is automatically right and his wrong, sorry.

YABVU to try and dictate the sleeping arrangements in their dads house. Its really not up to you

It does sound a bit controlling. You've had your say, so leave it at that. After that it's down to him to do as he sees fit.

YABVU.

They only spend every other weekend there and you are making the couple of days they spend with their dad into a massive issue over something it isn't.

Is there anything particularly worrying you behind this?

It's nicer for a girl who's having periods to have her own space. But not essential as others have said. Can the children go there at different times (eg. 2 one weekend, 2 the next) so they can avoid the problem?

One of my friends was recently evicted because of this 'bedroom tax' thing that was apparently brought in to help families who were overcrowded
How do you mean evicted because of bedroom tax??

I am probably overstating it to say the 13 yo "hates" sharing with his brother. He just finds him annoying really. The 16 yo is quite easygoing and doesn't hate the idea but would obviously prefer not to. When we first discussed it he put the girls in together. I liked the symmetry of that as they all got their own space somewhere. None of the children complained about it. The 16 yo stays there extra days on her own so she is the one who gets most private time i(if she was to share with her sister on the days she is there too).
I am just massively disappointed that he doesn't want to have any discussion about anything to do with the kids. After effectively being a lone parent with him seeing them 4 weeks a year while he was abroad the last 6/7 years I was really looking forward to co-parenting. When he was away we had far more and constructive co-operation/dialogue than we have now. I always kept him informed and asked for his opinion/input.