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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To speak to this boy's mum?

214 replies

BecauseOfYou · 29/11/2016 21:42

My DD (age 4) ) gets a school bus to and from school everyday. It's roughly a 45 min journey each way, and up to now has been enjoying it, as she's made a friend who she sits with everyday. I let her take in a little notepad and a couple of pencils for her and her friend to draw, as I'd imagine it must get quite boring.

One other boy gets on at her stop, he is 8 - my DD has come to know him and knows his name etc. Today she got off the bus upset, saying that this boy and two others had taken her notebook and ripped it up. She'd told the bus driver and the boys denied it, saying it was my DD (I know 100% that she wouldn't make this up), and then continued to destroy her stuff while the bus driver was driving. They were also telling everyone that my DD had done a poo on the bus, and to top it off, told her santa isn't real.

I do see his mum everyday but she seems quite unapproachable and has never spoken to me. I'm gutted that her stuff has been ruined, and I won't be sending in another notepad which is a shame as my DD and her friend enjoy drawing etc on the bus as it fills the time. Also sad that my four year old is already questioning santa.

What do I do? Do I raise it with the boys mum?

OP posts:
pregnantat50 · 29/11/2016 23:56

Isnt there something about adult to child ratios at nurserys and schools, even school trips I think its 1 to 8 children, so it does seem strange that for 45 minutes their without any adult supervision

maggiso · 29/11/2016 23:57

Talk to the school and the bus company in the first instance. If the problem persists, ring or write to the school transport department of the local authority. They may (hopefully) employ an escort to keep the children in order and in suitable unstressed state to learn, or possibly swap the bus routes around to separate children who bring out the worst in each other.

maggiso · 29/11/2016 23:59

There is a rule about transport not being excessively stressful.

WorraLiberty · 30/11/2016 00:01

Tbh I live in the city and pay £5 an hour for each of my three to be looked after before school, could you not club together and pay for a chaperone, for two hours round trip it would cost about £20 ( less if paying living wage), divvied up that would only be a quid each if twenty kids on bus.

I think that's a brilliant idea Tiniti

Even those who say there's never any trouble on the bus, would surely feel better knowing if their DC was sick/upset/whatever, there was an adult keeping a watchful eye on them.

pregnantat50 · 30/11/2016 00:04

looking to see if there are any rules that the bus company should follow, eg a chaperone or escort and I found this...its not the same but it made me wonder why the bus driver would let a lone 4 year old on a bus at 3am!

www.yahoo.com/news/4-old-girl-rides-philly-bus-searching-3-132941553.html?ref=gs

TheProblemOfSusan · 30/11/2016 00:04

I went on mixed age school buses from the age of 8 or so, and I was definitely not the youngest, there were tiny girls on there. On our buses there was some bullying and stupidity (there was a particularly silly incident that ended with a huge bill for replacement blazers for one parent due to some silliness with flour and water bottles being thrown) but mostly the Vth and VIth form girls kept an eye on the younger ones.

It's totally normal in rural areas but it sounds like the protection isn't up to snuff on this bus - are there any bigger children that ought to be looking out for her? Perhaps they need actual bus prefects or something if there's not currently - children do like to act up to these roles if they're available, that might help?

WorraLiberty · 30/11/2016 00:13

I don't think it's fair to expect older children to do a chaperone's job tbh.

I really think if parents can't get anywhere by complaining to the LA (not that many seem to think there's anything to complain about) then they should chip in a small amount of money as a PP suggested, to pay for a chaperone.

DixieWishbone · 30/11/2016 02:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nandocushion · 30/11/2016 03:23

OP, I echo the advice to speak to the school and insist they do something about the bullying. And tell your DD to sit near the driver in the meantime if possible. The school will have to enforce some sanctions against the boys and you need to insist that they do (if they are reluctant).

BTW, I live in very-big-city USA and school buses for 4yos+ are totally normal here too, no chaperone. It's not just a rural thing.

Nandocushion · 30/11/2016 03:24

Bus Prefects an excellent idea.

BusterGonad · 30/11/2016 04:55

I can't believe some of the none sense on this thread. OP my son gets the school bus too, we are NOT in the U.K., his bus has a bus monitor but all the monitor does tick there names off in the morning and check they all get in the bus after school. So pretty useless otherwise. My son had issues with a child on the bus, pushing him, calling him stupid, just silly stuff but my son hated it. When I went to pick my son up off of the bus I actually spoke to this boy in a friendly manner, I said something along the lines of "I can't believe you'd call Barry (sons name) stupid, you wouldn't do that would you????" To which he explained the situation to me and now it seems sorted. I take the bulls by the horns because in the country I'm in the parents never ever believe their kids can be little shits and the parenting is very lax! OP do not worry about the other posters. I would put my 4 year old on a school bus, in the U.K. I lived in a rural village, sometimes you ha e to do what you have to do, not everyone has the time or resources to do otherwise and all the what ifs have made me chuckle. If you took your child to school yourself in a car the child could be sick....you could crash...if shit is going to happen it will happen.

BusterGonad · 30/11/2016 04:57

I've just re read my post, sorry for all the typos and errors!!!! I haven't had my morning coffee yet!

FourKidsNotCrazyYet · 30/11/2016 05:04

I'm in rural Scotland so it's quite normal and acceptable here. Don't be made to feel bad about her transport. Needs must. Speak to your wee one and tell her to sit behind the driver. Put her on tomorrow and tell the driver she's not happy. I would also speak to the mum. Every time it happens, mention it to her. If nothing changes ask the school if you can ride with her to school. Ours let you do that on occasion.

BusterGonad · 30/11/2016 05:13

My son sits 2 seats behind the driver, he doesn't like the driver or monitor as they don't pronounce his name properly, they are not English. But all in all my son enjoys the bus and he's learning independence which is much needed.

BratFarrarsPony · 30/11/2016 05:17

when my kids used to get the school bus and my dd was being bullied everyday on it, i was told that no, they cannot do anything about what happens on the bus, no its no supervised and never would be, and that was it.

Fruitboxjury · 30/11/2016 05:20

the school have sent out strict guidelines about behaviour on the buses a few times this year already

This suggests to me that the school already know there is a problem. It also suggests that the problem is not being managed by sending out reminders with no one to implement the rules.

I would suggest in addition to talking to the school yourself, perhaps asking around to see how other parents feel. If it's a wider problem then a group of parents proposing a solution might be more effective than isolated complaints.

You're right about the 25 buses though, I can't imagine you could even find 25 people who wanted to chaperone two school runs a day? Bus prefects and seating separated by age are good suggestions.

AddToBasket · 30/11/2016 06:16

Seriously, AddToBasket? You think it is OK for an 8-year-old to pick on a 4-year-old? You would excuse him because he is a boy? Wtaf? Boys should not be held to a lower standard of behaviour just because they are boys!

Eh?! No. What? Nothing to do with gender. To do with being 8yo.

Boy is a descriptive term, y'know, not an automatically perjorative one. I used it because it was in the thread title.

NoTimeToDillyDally · 30/11/2016 06:39

Children cannot be unsupervised in a classroom, let alone on a moving bus! A driver is not able to supervise because they are driving. Address this with school/ LEA/ whomever is responsible for transportation. It is a safeguarding issue.

Ahickiefromkinickie · 30/11/2016 06:51

AddtoBasket

It shouldn't keep happening, because there should be consequences if a child misbehaves, as per Dixie's post:

  1. They have to sit at the front next to the driver for a week or so.
  2. They get banned from riding the bus for a month
  3. They get a perma ban from riding the bus.

Much better than saying 8yos will be 8yos, no?

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 30/11/2016 06:52

Re the Santa isn't real thing, you could tell her that the boy is probably so naughty that Santa never comes, so no wonder he doesn't believe in him.
That's what I did when someone told a dd the same when she was 5, and it worked like a charm.

BusterGonad · 30/11/2016 07:02

I've got to be honest I'd be more pissed off about the boy telling my child Santa isn't real then the notepad incident, notepads can be replaced but a child's innocence and belief in Santa is harder to fix. My son is 8 but a young 8 and I'd be so upset if he stopped believing.

TheFairyCaravan · 30/11/2016 07:12

Our children went on the school bus from 5&7. It was a double decker, juniors at the top, infants at the bottom and there was a chaperone on each floor.

I worked in a small village primary school and most of the children came in by bus. There wasn't a chaperone on it.

OP don't approach the mother, approach the school. They should do something about it. Our children's school were concerned about what was happening on the bus right up until they were in Year 11 and they took a very dim view of bullying. Phone them today so it can be nipped in the bud.

MissBeehiving · 30/11/2016 07:14

We are rural here and every primary have a bus with no chaperone. At DS's school the children have to obey the school rules whilst on the bus and if there is any issue, the school deal with it in the same way as they would do with an incident in school. I suggest reporting it to the Head and allowing them to sort it out - here that would be a conversation with the parents and the 8 yo being sat at the front of the bus.

honkinghaddock · 30/11/2016 07:27

The cost of a chaperone would be a lot more than £20 a day because the chaperone would be making the return journey twice plus the costs of insurance, training, dbs checks etc. The local authority wouldn't allow a chaperone on one of their buses without all that.
Not having a chaperone wouldn't be a safeguarding issue because thousands of children travel without one and if it was generally one, chaperones would be already always employed.

Ahickiefromkinickie · 30/11/2016 07:34

I've got to be honest I'd be more pissed off about the boy telling my child Santa isn't real then the notepad incident, notepads can be replaced but a child's innocence and belief in Santa is harder to fix. My son is 8 but a young 8 and I'd be so upset if he stopped believing.

You can't stop other kids telling him the truth. This just sets children up for confusion. And disappointment when they inevitably find out the truth.

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