To not mention it to my friend

[Peculiarparenting]

That the mums at school are talking about the fact she does not put a coat on her toddler in this cold weather. He is normally in short sleeves and shorts at drop off and pick up time and is shivering which is what other mums are not noticing. This has been going on since September but it's more noticeable now as the weather is alot colder and he is dressed so inappropriately.

My reason for not wanting to tell her is that she had a baby a few months ago and is juggling a lot with 4 dcs. Her other dcs are always dressed for the weather. From speaking to her I know she is trying to get her toddler in to warmer clothes and he is refusing. He does feel the cold when he is outside though as he is shivering and asking to go home.

I have gently tried to give her ideas about how to get him in a coat. My dc was also particular about clothes and I just had to hide the things I no longer wanted him to wear so he was left with no choice. I have noticed when he is with his dad the toddler does wear a jacket and hat so I suspect he can be forced in to it.

Should I tell my friend people are gossiping about her or keep my mouth shut.

Although user148 I am definitely in your camp.

It has been down to -4 here at 9am so yes, I would say tshirt and shorts was on the edge of neglectful parenting at those temperatures. I would second suggestions of joggy bottoms/fleece hoody/superhero poncho at least, as well as putting away all the summer clothes.

I have only read the first 3 pages, but felt compelled to comment! My dd was a coat refusing toddler - and cardigans, trousers, tights, socks or anything remotely warm. In fact she went through a long phase of only wearing dresses from the previous summer that were too small. She was occasionally a bit blue looking when we were out, she still would not wear any warm clothes. If I tried to put her into anything against her will, she would have a huge tantrum to the point where we couldn't go anywhere. Luckily I had no school age children at the time, but if I was restricted by the school run she would have had to shiver!!

She is 7 now and much easier, but she was a very difficult toddler. Those saying they would just put a coat on their toddler, even if they didn't want to wear it have clearly had an easier time of it!

Those saying they would just put a coat on their toddler, even if they didn't want to wear it have clearly had an easier time of it!

Not at all. As I said upthread, I even had to source special clothing to deal with this problem. Because as parents its our job to make sure they are, at a minimum, fed and warm. There are some very difficult children out there, but you don't just give in and let them freeze their asses off because you haven't found what works yet.

Shorts are inappropriate for November and should be put away. As long as your friend carries a coat, hat and gloves for her ds and hangs them on his peg at nursery nobody can say anything. If he refuses to wear the items designed to keep him warm in this weather he will have to face the consequences - ie no outdoor play.

There is a huge difference between a child having warm clothing but refusing to wear them than children who have no warm clothing readily available.

Yes, but we ended up housebound, because if I ever managed to get a coat on her - and believe me I tried many methods - she would scream and scream and scream until she got it off. I couldn't put her in the car, pushchair, carry her and obviously she wouldn't walk. Nothing worked. I was quite lucky in that we didn't really have to be anywhere and it was March/April, so not very cold (though not exactly warm either). I do think some posters are low on empathy on this thread - all dc are different and one person's experience will be different to others. My eldest is very easy and straightforward (for now, touch wood), so if I'd only had him I probably would have thought myself an amazing parent and assumed people with more difficult children lacked parenting skills. My dc are very far from neglected, but there is no way I could have taken my dd anywhere wearing anything other than a too small dress during that particular phase.

I should add as well, that I would always have appropriate clothing for her - if I dared try to put it on her even as she was turning blue she would have a huge tantrum. That girl really could throw a spectacular strop and was extremely stubborn. So mostly we stayed in, or went to indoors places! My parenting decision was to not spend hours every day with an extremely upset child, who would otherwise be (mainly) happy. I feel for the op's friend, as it sounds like she is in a similar position to the one I was in, but has no choice other than to go out as she has older dc to pick up from school.

I do think some posters are low on empathy on this thread - all dc are different and one person's experience will be different to others

No matter your experience, children need clothes on in winter. You can explain and excuse all you like, but can we not agree with as a minimum standard? Again, its not about the coat, its about clothes.

Are we so obesessed with bending over backwards to be so accomodating to everyones differences that we can't admit that there are some very basic minimums you just have to do?

Littlepeas This thread is not about you and your parenting. OP has said that the child in question refuses to wear a coat when with his mum but does when he is with his dad.

Can you think why that may be?

Anyway, appropriate clothing is a basic need. As long as appropriate clothing is available to the child nothing can be said.

Sorry but if my toddler would only wear a summer dress in winter that dress would become unavailable. She would be provided with a range of appropriate, warm clothing to choose from......

In which case my dd would have worn............nothing - as we found out when we removed the summer dresses and told her they had been given away! Better she wore some clothes than nothing at all. She wouldn't even wear pjs - dresses only.

Quite like the 'it's not about your parenting' followed up with a quick little judgement on my parenting at the end .

I'm happy that I did the right thing for my dd. There comes a point when the distress of the child outweighs the need for a coat. My dd was kept warm by mainly staying indoors - as I said unthread, I feel for the op's friend as this option is not available to her.

Two of mine would not wear coats. They hate feeling constricted. The most I can get them in is a fluffy hoody. Would he go for something like that?
I really think if he's that cold he would put on his coat - and I wouldn't force it either.
I would try to find suitable alternatives as mentioned above, but at the end of the day, their body, their choice.

Op here. In answer to someone's question earlier about whether they walk or drive to school they do both. Mostly walk and occasionally they drive to school.

I spoke to the mother who told me about the gossiping and explained my friends situation that she is trying but toddler is refusing. She basically had a similar reaction to some posters here that she needs to be firmer though in the end she did understand that it was not the mother being neglectful but the toddler refusing so hopefully that will be passed to the gossips though I suspect some will still not be sympathetic.

Her children are exceptionally well cared for in general. Always in clean clothes and presentable. Their behaviour is also very good. Her child in my dc's class is one of the most well behaved and brighter children in the class.

I think it probably is that she hasn't had the time to work out the right technique to deal with it as she has had a new baby as well as having some other difficulties to deal with as much as it is also about having a softer parenting style. The times the toddler has been made to wear coats by nursery or by the dad she has described it negatively eg they upset him, or lot of fighting to get him in to it. She has mentioned that she believes in listening to her children's opinion and giving them a choice.

For those saying well the dad gets him in to the coat. The dad gets him in to a coat but not out of shorts. So its better but still not completely appropriate. Also she is a sahm so the dad is not left to cope with all the children on his own in one go as she is often and so can focus all his attention on getting that one child ready whilst she is having to get them all ready and out of the house in time for school.

I don't know. I didn't get a chance to speak to her today but I will bring up some of these tips if she brings up the topic with me. The toddler was shivering quite badly today as it was frosty.

My toddler twins would never wear coats. Ever.

And they are now 11 and still in shorts. Crazy. They wear a hoody every now and again.

Most under 7's would prefer not to wear coats, jumpers or warm trousers. They are restrictive. Most kids do actually wear them......not out of choice but out of necessity - and because they are given no choice....Everyone needs to keep warm in the Winter - or suffer the consequences. Children learn by what they live. Simple!

I've got twins too savage - 4 and a half. I find you have to rule by consent a lot more because if one stages a sit down protest on the floor while the other's running down the road you're sort of short of choices

I had to do the school run with my two year old screaming blue murder today because he 'dont like my coat!!!' I tried bribing, reasoning, distracting and eventually just had to put it on him despite his best efforts, it's so cold out there and it's just not an option for him to not wear it. He also pulled his shoes and hat off in rage! On the upside he came home from nursery very proud of his new coat as they all made such a fuss of it and had a lengthly cry about taking it off. Why are toddlers such unreasonable human beings? It's lucky he's cute or he'd be sleeping under London Bridge tonight. I do see that with 4 children she might just not be able to face the fight but you don't really have a choice, you have to keep them safe from harming themselves in whichever form that may be, could she buy a coat with his favourite character on or something?

To those claiming she is neglectful. Nobody is a perfect parent. There are a lot of things we do or don't do for an easier life that others would be horrified with if it was as visible as my friends action. I didn't post this for people to bash her parenting. She must be doing something right her children are very polite and well behaved. They eat healthily and look well taken care of. The shivering is a concern but it's not so serious as to completely nullify all the other ways she is a great mum.

Totally agree OP. You can't judge someone's parenting on a snapshot of a phase their child is going through.

I never wore a coat as a child and if anyone managed to get one on me I would simply take it off again and "lose" it.

I'm now 55 and I have never bought or worn a coat. This morning whilst everyone was wrapped in hats, scarves and gloves, I wore (as always) light summer weight clothes with an open lightweight cardigan.

I never enforced ciatvwearing on my two boys. I told them it was cold, made sure they knew if they didn't wear one they would be freezing and then left them to it. Sometimes they wore one but more often they didn't. As teens they only wear one when it's really cold.

If my friends and family see me with a (light) jumper on they know it must be really really freezing outside.

When my DS was going through his clothes refusing phase, I had a choice between getting his elder sister to school on time each day or getting him into a full outfit. A lot of the time I would prioritise getting DD to school which meant driving and letting DS stay in the car in his PJs and a blanket.

I'm sure people judged me for driving, for leaving a toddler in the car etc. but they also judged me on the days we arrived late with a tearful DD and a screaming, rigid DS. There are some battles where there is no winning, all you do is try to survive with the minimum damage to everyone involved. It sounds to me as though the OP's friend was sort of coping in the milder weather, but the sudden drop in temperatures has caught her out and she needs to rethink her approach.

It was -3 on my school run this morning with thick frost on the ground and the canal frozen over with ice. If her weather conditions were the same then yes, shorts and a T-shirt on a toddler would absolutely be neglectful. Those clothes need putting away for the winter and she needs to be the parent.

The shorts we be thrown in the bin or hidden away if he will fit them next summer.

He's a child. Whilst it's a lovely sentiment to let him choose to do what he wants, with some things we as adults know better. We wouldn't let them jump off a bridge or drink bleach and not wearing clothes and risking catchin pneumonia is a risk to him, so he should be made to wear appropriate clothes in this weather. She'd only need to do it a few times before he'd accept it.

She'd only need to do it a few times before he'd accept it.

Hollow laugh - two years of my life. It was only when he started school himself that he embraced wearing clothes to look like other people.

Hollow laugh - two years of my life. It was only when he started school himself that he embraced wearing clothes to look like other people

Thank Goodness for nursery staff who know that children have a right to wear appropriate clothing and have an ability to make them recognise this eh?