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Original poster

To not mention it to my friend

255 replies

Peculiarparenting · 29/11/2016 09:42

That the mums at school are talking about the fact she does not put a coat on her toddler in this cold weather. He is normally in short sleeves and shorts at drop off and pick up time and is shivering which is what other mums are not noticing. This has been going on since September but it's more noticeable now as the weather is alot colder and he is dressed so inappropriately.

My reason for not wanting to tell her is that she had a baby a few months ago and is juggling a lot with 4 dcs. Her other dcs are always dressed for the weather. From speaking to her I know she is trying to get her toddler in to warmer clothes and he is refusing. He does feel the cold when he is outside though as he is shivering and asking to go home.

I have gently tried to give her ideas about how to get him in a coat. My dc was also particular about clothes and I just had to hide the things I no longer wanted him to wear so he was left with no choice. I have noticed when he is with his dad the toddler does wear a jacket and hat so I suspect he can be forced in to it.

Should I tell my friend people are gossiping about her or keep my mouth shut.

OP posts:
imip · 29/11/2016 14:25

Well, this was me almost 5 years ago. My eldest dd in reception, toddler 3, a 1 yo and a newborn. Like your friend, my toddler would not wear a coat - her preference was a skirt and vest. My 5 and 1 yo all with coats, gloves and hats. I would get so cross at all the rude comments and judgy looks. Also, I was quite stressed, and could really not understand why my dc would not wear a coat. Nursery could generally 'force' one on her to leave, but she' d discard it as soon as she got out. I think nursery thought I was pathetic, but one day (when it was snowing), they couldn't even get a coat on her.

Fast forward 5 years later and my dd has been diagnosed with ASD, massive sensory issues and very rigid and highly anxious. Today she went to school in a t-shirt and hoody, only in recent weeks did she stop wearing birkenstocks. I'm not saying this dc has a special need, but unless you've experienced truly rigid behaviour, you'd think getting a coat on a toddler was easily done.

Btw, this also happened with dc 4 who we think may have ASD. No coat all last winter. This winter she is wearing a coat. I've learnt from all this that in can fluctuate. In recent years I've taken to handing their coats from my finger for show just to deflect the judgey comments!

alleykitten · 29/11/2016 14:30

Agree with eyebrows - DD was this child and you pick battles, let them get on with it and carry spares for when they decide that actually they are quite cold/wet etc.

Just this morning we had a row about putting her coat on in the school carpark. It was -3 outside. I was aware of being judged for taking an irritable not-quite-shouty tone by my friend who was trying more gently to persuade her DC to take his coat with him on the basis that people might think she was neglecting him. Some kids are just like that and judgy people will always exist.

I do wonder if the OP was gently implying a concern about the mum struggling to cope overall, and if this incident sits in that context, because I've seen this happen lots with the more bullish DCs of my acquaintance and it's rarely been worrying.

user1480182169 · 29/11/2016 14:32

Picking battles is absolutely right. But in this context that would be: I won't force you into the coat but you are wearing a jumper/trousers. Not; you can go out in summer clothes and shiver so much the whole town notices.

Potnoodlewilld0 · 29/11/2016 14:33

We're not talking about any parent, it's this specific parent, who has just had a baby, who other three children are all wrapped up, who toddler acts up when they are finally leaving the house, who is already worried what other mums maybe thinking as she tells the op! - get a grip!

Jesus what an over exaggerated pearl clutching thread. Bizzare!

PerspicaciaTick · 29/11/2016 14:36

Another thing to try is giving choices (making sure that either option is OK by you) so "Are you going to wear your fleece or your coat?" Or "Red coat or blue coat?"

Not that it works with all children or all the time bitter experience

SaucyJack · 29/11/2016 14:36

" who has just had a baby, who other three children are all wrapped up,"

What's that got to do with whether or not it's OK to let the toddler go outside without a coat?

user1480182169 · 29/11/2016 14:37

Unless you know this specific parent, and I don't think you do, what makes you think you know anything about it?

"Pearl clutching" is a tired phrase and not appropriate here anyway. If you're happy to see children shivering in the cold wearing summer clothes that is your choice. Most parents have a bit more cop on.

Primaryteach87 · 29/11/2016 14:44

Please don't say anything. It really wouldn't make the threshold for social services intervention - an otherwise loving mum battling toddler to wear a coat. Continue to support her, continue to offer suggestions, bring her chocolates, a meal if it would help. Don't join in the stress. She knows he needs a coat, she'/ working on it. Maybe she could do better but how many of us are perfect parents?! Oh and tell the gossipers you wk t be party to their nastiness.

PerspicaciaTick · 29/11/2016 14:45

user Why would she call her "my friend" if she doesn't know her?

AnnieAnoniMouse · 29/11/2016 14:47

Many/most toddlers don't like the change from one seasons clothes to the next. It's understandable because the clothes they've been wearing recently are the only ones they remember wearing and the sudden difference in feeling is unnerving for many.

Most of us just put away the ones we don't want them to wear, make them wear the ones we do & put up with the complaining until they're used to them or just give up and let them learn the hard way. It's a minor issue.

I'm in the south, just outside London, I'd still happily be in shorts with my t shirt. I've given up & started wearing jeans, but only because I got fed up of the 'looks' I was getting.

If he was shivering I'd make him wear his coat, but it's not her way & kids don't die from the lack of a coat for an hour. Let her get on with it & tell the others to MTOB.

As for the brain dead who would report a mother not forcing a toddler to wear a coat, just stop it. It's people like you who are not helping SS cope with the overload of ACTUAL neglect cases they have.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 29/11/2016 15:00

It would be less of a problem if the child didn't feel the cold, but the OP says he does. He shivers and asks to go home because he's cold, but won't wear a coat.

He may still have some form of sensory issue, of course - or he might just not like his coat!

In my extremely limited experience of friends and family who do have sensory processing issues though, they genuinely don't feel the cold (or heat, in fact) so wouldn't be shivering.

DianaMitford · 29/11/2016 15:03

Ridiculous for thinking a child should be kept warm. Right.... Hmm

There is a reason why we as humans have evolved to wear things to keep us warm. Most of us have anyway.

Trifleorbust · 29/11/2016 15:08

DianaMitford: No, not at all - of course it would be better if the child was warm. What is ridiculous is saying it is neglect if the child isn't always warm. He will be fine even if he is sometimes cold. Your black and white thinking is the ridiculous part.

DianaMitford · 29/11/2016 15:20

So now you agree that it WOULD be better if he had a coat?

Call it what you want but yes, the majority of people on this thread are looking at it as a black and white situation. Because it's pretty extreme. He's not getting chilly as he walks home, he's wearing shorts and t-shirt in temperatures that are hovering around zero in the morning. There is no question that child should be wearing a coat. We know he will because his father can get him to. Why not his mother?

DianaMitford · 29/11/2016 15:21

And nowhere did I say it was neglect if the child wasn't always warm Confused

Trifleorbust · 29/11/2016 15:21

DianaMitford: I was never denying it would be better. I was saying it isn't the end of the world if it doesn't happen.

myoriginal3 · 29/11/2016 15:33

Maybe the father gives him a slap to get him to put his coat on?

MrsPeelyWally · 29/11/2016 15:42

Today 10:26 FantasticButtocks She could show him the really cool (for toddlers) way to put on a coat. Lay the coat on floor upside down to the child, then he puts his arms into the sleeves and throws coat over shoulders.... hey presto

I'm still trying to work this out. Could someone explain it to me pls.

Thank you

myoriginal3 · 29/11/2016 15:54

It's easy. Just do it in real life and you will understand

chipmonkey · 29/11/2016 16:04

MrsPeelyWally

ElizabethHoney · 29/11/2016 16:33

It's really not neglect - she's doing her best and the child isn't coming to any harm.

I can see why you're wondering about telling her, but am not sure whether it would help in this situation.

But definitely, stick up for her whenever you hear a hint of gossip or judgmentalism about her in the playground. That's how you can help her and show your loyalty.

RhiWrites · 29/11/2016 16:42

Can you suggest she carries the toddlers coat? Then it would be there for when the kid feels cold - and the judgey mum's could see he has a coat but is refusing it when offered.

user1480182169 · 29/11/2016 16:45

Why are people still obsessing about the coat? He doesn't have adequate clothing on irrespective of whether he wears a oat, which is the main point.

Many toddlers hate putting on their coats, which is why we put actual clothes on them. Can people really not understand the difference between a properly dressed toddler without a coat, and a toddler openly shivering in shorts and tshirts and without a coat?

CockacidalManiac · 29/11/2016 16:48

I notice we're getting a lot of 'cool mums' to go with some of the 'cool wives' that pop up on threads.

SouthofMaui · 29/11/2016 16:54

It's really not neglect - she's doing her best

clearly she is not. The kid is not appropriately dressed and is freezing. You don't just do your best with a little one! Is it acceptable to leave a child run in the middle of a busy road because you fail to hold his hand? Oh, yes, you are doing your best, so that's enough.

The comparison with suntan lotion is spot on. A toddler has sun burnt, but that's ok, his mum is doing her best.