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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not mention it to my friend

255 replies

Peculiarparenting · 29/11/2016 09:42

That the mums at school are talking about the fact she does not put a coat on her toddler in this cold weather. He is normally in short sleeves and shorts at drop off and pick up time and is shivering which is what other mums are not noticing. This has been going on since September but it's more noticeable now as the weather is alot colder and he is dressed so inappropriately.

My reason for not wanting to tell her is that she had a baby a few months ago and is juggling a lot with 4 dcs. Her other dcs are always dressed for the weather. From speaking to her I know she is trying to get her toddler in to warmer clothes and he is refusing. He does feel the cold when he is outside though as he is shivering and asking to go home.

I have gently tried to give her ideas about how to get him in a coat. My dc was also particular about clothes and I just had to hide the things I no longer wanted him to wear so he was left with no choice. I have noticed when he is with his dad the toddler does wear a jacket and hat so I suspect he can be forced in to it.

Should I tell my friend people are gossiping about her or keep my mouth shut.

OP posts:
ipswichwitch · 29/11/2016 13:48

Doesn't seem to me the child has sensory issues if his dad can get him in a coat. Maybe she needs to look at her approach to this, because clearly a softly, softly please put your coat on method isn't going to work.
i would be hiding the shorts, and give him a choice of trousers and coat, but ultimately one will go on. In fact, that is what I do with my almost 3yo.

Witchend · 29/11/2016 13:48

Dd1 used to refuse to wear a coat. Then, because she was stubborn would refuse to give in and wear the coat. After one or two times getting cold she then because the child who always made sure she had her coat-at 16yo she's often the only person with a coat around.
Dd2 and ds don't feel the cold. Ds will come out of school carrying his coat and jumper (with short sleeved shirt, and shorts ) with snow on the ground. If he's cold he will put it on, so I presume he's happy like that. But I do note he is never the only one.

confusedofengland · 29/11/2016 13:50

I would absolutely mention it to your friend. Tbh, I'm surprised somebody hasn't already. At our Infant & Junior schools, both headteachers are regularly outside for drop off/pick up & would mention something like this to the parent/carer.

If your friend cannot get the child to wear coat (even though the DH can?) could she try lots of jumpers or perhaps a poncho/cloak (which could be sold to him as superhero clothing). It is one thing not to wear a coat, but another for a small child to be in tshirt & shorts in freezing temperatures.

Trifleorbust · 29/11/2016 13:50

SaucyJack: Hypothermia is unlikely, but you would hope so, yes. When and if that weather is here, the mother may try other options. She may succeed in getting him into the coat. Who knows? The situation isn't currently extreme.

BarbarianMum · 29/11/2016 13:50

How many of the children at your neice's school are 2 or 3 Trifle? How many wear jumpers along with their shorts? Or coats?

user1480182169 · 29/11/2016 13:50

DianaMitford: You're as entitled to think that as I am to think you are being ridiculous

Yes, you are free to tell us all how ridiculous it is to put clothes on children before they go outside, in winter. Do tell us more. Hmm

eyebrowsonfleek · 29/11/2016 13:50

I sympathise. My dd would NOT wear rain protection in the rain. To strangers I seemed like a terrible mother as the rain cover wouldn't be on the buggy and she wouldn't be in wellies like other kids her age. After a few months she learned that they were for her own good and started wearing them. Getting the others to school on time has to be the priority.

I think that your friend should carry the coat on the school run and offer the coat once the kid feels cold so that he realises that mum offers a coat for his benefit (warmth).

Trifleorbust · 29/11/2016 13:51

BarbarianMum: The 3-4 year olds are in shorts and jumpers. They probably do get a bit chilly at break time. It isn't the end of the world.

Potnoodlewilld0 · 29/11/2016 13:53

It's not lazy parenting it's just picking battles.

The mum needs to his all his summer gear. But life is to short to have a melt down e dry morning just as you are leaving the house. I'm sure the mum will have her limit - when it snows, pissing down and then it will be forced. But what's the point in that daily??

And did the op clear up if he was driven there and this was just playground or does he walk to school and how far?

user1480182169 · 29/11/2016 13:53

BarbarianMum: The 3-4 year olds are in shorts and jumpers. They probably do get a bit chilly at break time. It isn't the end of the world

Right, so they are in jumpers. So when you used this as an example, you failed to notice the difference between a jumper and tshirt?

dudleymcdudley · 29/11/2016 13:53

I think it is neglect for a toddler to be inadequately dressed and getting cold. You find a way to get them wrapped up, what you don't do is leave them in shorts and t-shirt in this cold weather.
I have a coat refusing 2 year old so I either distract or cajole him into said coat or I subtly layer him up in clothes he will wear - he's up to about 6 layers ATM!
It's his job at this age to asset his independence over things like this but it's a parents job to find a way of keeping him warm and dry. It's a cop out just to give up.

Trifleorbust · 29/11/2016 13:53

user1480182169: I love it when people get all arsey about things other people never said. It really helps them come across as rational Hmm

myoriginal3 · 29/11/2016 13:55

I have a very warm child. A vest a t-shirt her school shirt and jumper in school. She would frequently come out with just the shirt. No jumper. No hat. No coat. No scarf. No gloves. She is like an oven though. Bounces off walls. Doesn't feel cold as she ISN'T cold.

Potnoodlewilld0 · 29/11/2016 13:55

He has got clothes on user - he isn't naked that would give them something to gossip about

Trifleorbust · 29/11/2016 13:55

user1480182169: Er, no. I understand the two situations aren't identical. They are, however, comparable.

Babymamamama · 29/11/2016 13:57

This is about boundary setting. If a toddler gets away without wearing a coat now what message does that give him? That he can dictate. Mum needs some gentle help with her parenting. It would be a shame of this ended up being reported to ss but it is a type of neglect albeit unwittingly.

user1480182169 · 29/11/2016 14:01

He has got clothes on user - he isn't naked

Tshirt and shorts at the end of Nov, might as well be naked. -2 on my school run this morning.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 29/11/2016 14:02

I think your friend should stop being so "softly softly" with the child and realise that her approach isn't going to work with this one - she's his PARENT and she needs to step up and actually PARENT him before she does get reported for neglect or cruelty!

It's ridiculous to kowtow to the child's refusal to wear a coat on a cold wintry day - it's not good for him to get so cold!

I don't see any need to tell your friend that other mums are "gossiping" about her - but I do think it would be an idea to tell her that other parents are flagging concerns and that they might choose to report her over them because no one wants to see her DS suffering, however much it's his own choice.

I'm sure (well hoping, anyway) that if he told her he wanted to drink beer, she'd refuse to allow that. If he wanted to play with matches, she'd refuse to allow that. They're a bit more extreme, of course, because much more damaging - but the principle is the same: just because he wants/doesn't want, doesn't mean he gets his own way!

God, he's going to be a nightmare as he gets bigger if she doesn't nip this in the bud now.

If it helps, you could ask her if she read the Anne of Green Gables series when she was a child - especially Anne of Avonlea, when she was the teacher in the school. She believed in "winning her pupils' affections" and refusing to discipline them. Worked on most, but not on one child who thought all women teachers were too soft and no good. Different era of course, but one day he did something that made her angry, and she ended up smacking his hand with the ruler - and THEN he decided that she was a good teacher and behaved himself. So she had to go against her own principles to achieve something with this one boy.

I'm NOT advocating smacking - of course not! - just pointing out that not everyone responds to "carrot" treatment, some people need/prefer "stick" treatment to achieve results (donkey model of management); and that this needs to be recognised and behaviour modified appropriately.

Hope you get through to her!

Potnoodlewilld0 · 29/11/2016 14:04

I can't believe posters are even thinking that people should report this to SS - what a waste of their valuable time.

user1480182169 · 29/11/2016 14:08

I can't believe posters are even thinking that people should report this to SS - what a waste of their valuable time

If its part of an overall pattern of neglect is certainly is not a waste of time. Inadequate clothes on children would be on the neglect checklist.

Potnoodlewilld0 · 29/11/2016 14:09

user it was 4 degrees here.

I bet he has been sat at home watching cbbc eating buttery toast and warm milk oblivious to all the calls for SS and pearl clutching on this thread this morning. Grin

Potnoodlewilld0 · 29/11/2016 14:13

If its part of an overall pattern of neglect is certainly is not a waste of time. Inadequate clothes on children would be on the neglect checklist

What pattern ? That he won't put his coat on in the morning when the others do? The SS are hugely over worked, it's pathetic to report this because some gossipy mums and the likes of you like to embellish things in there imagination. SS would look at the bigger picture, like most sane adults and be pissed of at time wasters again

grafia123 · 29/11/2016 14:13

My ds never wears jumpers. Even when it was minus 5 last week he would not wear one but he does wear jackets. My ds does not feel the cold in the same way I do. I often see boys in shorts in the winter and blazers instead of big jackets. I would think the boy would say to his mum if he was cold and ask for his jacket.

user1480182169 · 29/11/2016 14:15

What pattern?

I'm not assuming there is any pattern, or cause for concern. However neither should you assume there isn't.
A parent who won't dress their child properly (and I don't mean the coat here, I mean clothes) may be failing in other ways. Or quite easily not. Neither of us know.

PerspicaciaTick · 29/11/2016 14:17

I am slightly shocked that she hasn't thought to carry the coat (bung it in the bottom of the pram of whatever) so she can put it in her 4yo when he starts to get chilly. I have no problem with her allowing him to choose if he wants to wear it, but you always need to have a plan B.

Also, I'd be tempted to buy him a pair of slightly too big jogging bottoms that can just be pulled on over his shorts when he gets cold and wants to wrap up.