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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not mention it to my friend

255 replies

Peculiarparenting · 29/11/2016 09:42

That the mums at school are talking about the fact she does not put a coat on her toddler in this cold weather. He is normally in short sleeves and shorts at drop off and pick up time and is shivering which is what other mums are not noticing. This has been going on since September but it's more noticeable now as the weather is alot colder and he is dressed so inappropriately.

My reason for not wanting to tell her is that she had a baby a few months ago and is juggling a lot with 4 dcs. Her other dcs are always dressed for the weather. From speaking to her I know she is trying to get her toddler in to warmer clothes and he is refusing. He does feel the cold when he is outside though as he is shivering and asking to go home.

I have gently tried to give her ideas about how to get him in a coat. My dc was also particular about clothes and I just had to hide the things I no longer wanted him to wear so he was left with no choice. I have noticed when he is with his dad the toddler does wear a jacket and hat so I suspect he can be forced in to it.

Should I tell my friend people are gossiping about her or keep my mouth shut.

OP posts:

playmobilpeacock · 29/11/2016 16:55

I would like to know how to get a child to wear a coat.

My DC are strapped into their car seats so cannot get out. I can pin them down and put sunscreen on them. But how do I keep a coat on a child who just rips it off?

I'm not a 'soft' parent by any means but I cannot get my DC2 to wear a coat. They will just scream hysterically and claw at themselves until it's off.

So all the people on this thread who have said 'just be a parent and make them wear a coat.' How?

user1480182169 · 29/11/2016 16:57

So all the people on this thread who have said 'just be a parent and make them wear a coat.' How?

There are coats you can get that a toddler simply can't open. Or you don't leave the house until its on, or whatever.
But if you really can't get them to wear a coat, and it can be hard, at least put pants on them!

playmobilpeacock · 29/11/2016 17:00

Please can you link to a coat that can't be opened?

If we didn't leave the house before my child had a coat on we'd never leave the house.

I have tried everything, every tactic mentioned and nothing works. We have had hour long stand-offs.

user1480182169 · 29/11/2016 17:03

I had one with special fasteners on it for my son, he has a neuro condition that causes sensory issues, but also means he needs to be kept warm and dry, so we had to source something! It had these kind of clip fasteners that he couldn't open (actually I could barely open them, it was a bitch to get on). It was ten years ago so no idea where we got it from.

DianaMitford · 29/11/2016 17:05

Trifle - that depends on what your "end of the world" is. Making my child ill with a perfectly preventable illness through not parenting properly is pretty bad in my world.

Unsuitable clothing is quite likely to make him far more susceptible to serious illnesses as well as impair his ability to fight them. And frankly, that should be enough for any parent to clothe their toddler appropriately.

Potnoodlewilld0 · 29/11/2016 17:05

Aw am I one of those 'cool' mums!! WINNING!!

This is not neglect people put the pitch forks down and keep calm. I'd be worried if ALL the kids were like this but they are not. Read ALL of op posts. This is not done mother failing her kids - it's one picking her battles or maybe too tired to fight or maybe one that doesn't like forcing her kids to do somthing.

Would still like to know if he is driven or they walk there and how far it is.

Trifleorbust · 29/11/2016 17:11

DianaMitford: To me, "end of the world" is something more serious than a toddler being cold because he stood outside for 20 minutes. Yes, it's not great parenting, particularly as there is a (vanishingly) small risk that the child will be ill, and I have repeatedly and clearly acknowledged this, but it doesn't meet the threshold for neglect of the child. The mum could do with being more firm with the child and may need to take more decisive steps if it gets much colder. That is about as far as it goes.

user1480182169 · 29/11/2016 17:12

This is not neglect people put the pitch forks down and keep calm. I'd be worried if ALL the kids were like this but they are not

Ah, its only worrying if ALL the children are being failed in a basic parenting measure, it doesn't matter at all if only one is.

Good to know.

SouthofMaui · 29/11/2016 17:15

So all the people on this thread who have said 'just be a parent and make them wear a coat.

Completely depends on the kid, they are all individuals, so react differently!

-give them a choice between 2 coats.
-put the coat on, and distract them until they forget and accept the damn thing.
-(not on a school run), select their favourite place (soft play or other), get ready and tell them you are only going when they have their coat on. Sit in the hall until they give in. It can last a while.
-threats. Keep the coat or I put the game/ teddy/toy (not their favourite comforter away).
-bribery. If you are a big boy and wear your coat, we are going to ...(buy a cake, go to park, see a puppy)
-sticker charts with rewards at the end.
-fun: wear daddy's coat or yours.
-ask another mum to put the coat on (at play group for example). Sometimes they refuse something from parents, but are fine with another adult. Don't push that one if they are hysterical

The best way with mine is always distraction. There's no limit, it really depends on the child. Mine react better when I make them laugh. When they know that you mean something, they understand that tantrums are pointless, because they never win. You wouldn't let them go naked in the snow, so what's the difference with a coat.

SaucyJack · 29/11/2016 17:17

"So all the people on this thread who have said 'just be a parent and make them wear a coat.' How?"

Maybe we could get the OP's friend's husband to come and give us some tips?

Seeing as he's clearly quite capable of getting his son dressed before leaving the house.

BarbarianMum · 29/11/2016 17:24

Um you put the coat (or jumper, or jacket, or poncho, or onesie, or whatever) on them and don't let them take it off. Mittens are useful if they can undo fastening, distraction even better. Ignore any screaming. The same tactics you use whenever you need your toddler to do something that they really don't want to do.
End of the the day it is really not that difficult - just frustrating/ time consuming/ ear shattering blah, blah, blah. Stay calm but firm. Think of wine. You are bigger and smarter and mother knows best.

This is a toddler, not a teen or King Kong.

playmobilpeacock · 29/11/2016 17:48

I'd honestly love to see some people try and make my DC wear a coat.

I've tried everything mentioned upthread and they will not wear a coat. Ha. Ha. Ha. At give them a sticker.

I think that some people just haven't had to deal with this level of refusal.

It's a bit like me giving advice to a parent who's child won't eat. "Give them dinner and don't offer anything else until they've eaten it." This worked for me as my child doesn't have issues with food. Dealing with a different child and this would be useless advice.

BarbarianMum · 29/11/2016 17:52

But the child in question isn't like your child as he'll wear his cost for his dad or when bribed. If your child has real sensory issues around clothing then there are some useful posts up-thread with ideas on how to cope with this.

MLGs · 29/11/2016 17:56

Toddlers are awful for this. Maybe just give her some tips of what has worked for you? In a sympathetic way .

For instance i find my toddler will accept something like a sweater or fleece that goes over his head once it's on as he forgets about it. But anything with a zip comes off again (sometimes).

playmobilpeacock · 29/11/2016 17:58

My response is to all the people on the thread who judge because a child isn't wearing a coat. To those who have said this issue alone is a flag for neglect.

An probably completely pointless attempt to get people to look beyond their own experience and have a bit of empathy.

SouthofMaui · 29/11/2016 18:07

playmobilpeacock

you are missing the point. You know your children, so you should know what works for them. We can't give you an answer without meeting your kids! My point is that we don't leave the house until they have their coats on. It's not negotiable. You are the parent, it's down to you, and no one else. Stickers don't work for you, so what. Find what does. I don't allow my children to make the rules.

Sallystyle · 29/11/2016 18:08

My 7 year old is a bugger for not wanting to wear winter clothes.

She came out of school today in her school dress. No jumper on as she takes them off. Her coat wide open because she hates wearing it. No hat or gloves.

She has always been like this. I often worry what people think about me but if my daughter cared she would wear the warmer clothes I provide her with.

I'd tell the other mums to fuck off.

WorraLiberty · 29/11/2016 18:09

Playmobile if your child is really that stubborn then I'd suggest the constant return and repeat method, in the same way you might if they keep getting out of bed at night.

They take the coat off, you put it back on, they take the coat off, you put it back on and repeat repeat repeat....

Yes it will drive you mad short term but you will win in the end.

It's good practice for the future or you could end up with a child who dictates everything to you, including whether they hold your hand crossing a road/brush their teeth/have a bath/have a hair wash/ etc etc...

And yes, you are allowed to cry in private and imbibe a lot of wine

youarenotkiddingme · 29/11/2016 18:15

She probably hopes that he'll soon decide to wear a coat because he keeps getting cold.

Tell her good luck with that - my 12yo still goes out in a t shirt in this weather and wonders why he's hypothermic after 5 minutes

Some children just don't get it - their sensory processing is different.

I like the idea of when she next brings it up perhaps suggesting she brings coat and you offer it to him if he's cold. Just say to her it may break the cycle coming from someone else. I've got a few friends and family to do the same with Ds.

SouthofMaui · 29/11/2016 18:19

I think it's a mindset. I have never wondered if my kids would wear clothes/ a coat/ eat their food/take their medicine. I only had to figure out how they would.

If your child refused to wear ANY clothes whatsoever, what would you do? Take him naked in the street when it's freezing outside (which it is right now)? Never leave the house?

playmobilpeacock · 29/11/2016 18:19

Oh I cry in public Worra

user1480182169 · 29/11/2016 18:56

My response is to all the people on the thread who judge because a child isn't wearing a coat. To those who have said this issue alone is a flag for neglect

For the 100th time, THE CHILD IS NOT JUST COATLESS, BUT IN FLIMSY SUMMER CLOTHES.
Why is this so difficult for people to grasp? A child sometimes not wearing a coat: who the fuck cares? A child every single day in very inadequate clothing AS WELL AS NO COAT ; wtf is wrong with you if you think that is just fine?

Yawnyawnallday · 29/11/2016 19:05

Of course it's not just fine but she doesn't need an army of gossipy playgrounds dwellers to help her and judge her. Some good hints on here, op (particularly the vid). Keep gently plugging away with your friend to help but leave the nosy gossiping whatsits out of it.

DianaMitford · 29/11/2016 19:05

Careful Trifle, we're getting dangerously close to agreeing here

abbsisspartacus · 29/11/2016 19:06

My son throws his coat off all the time I carry it and when he gets cold I help him back into it

He is never allowed out in winter in shorts and a tshirt I remove the clothes from his drawers and nudity is not an option

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