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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not mention it to my friend

255 replies

Peculiarparenting · 29/11/2016 09:42

That the mums at school are talking about the fact she does not put a coat on her toddler in this cold weather. He is normally in short sleeves and shorts at drop off and pick up time and is shivering which is what other mums are not noticing. This has been going on since September but it's more noticeable now as the weather is alot colder and he is dressed so inappropriately.

My reason for not wanting to tell her is that she had a baby a few months ago and is juggling a lot with 4 dcs. Her other dcs are always dressed for the weather. From speaking to her I know she is trying to get her toddler in to warmer clothes and he is refusing. He does feel the cold when he is outside though as he is shivering and asking to go home.

I have gently tried to give her ideas about how to get him in a coat. My dc was also particular about clothes and I just had to hide the things I no longer wanted him to wear so he was left with no choice. I have noticed when he is with his dad the toddler does wear a jacket and hat so I suspect he can be forced in to it.

Should I tell my friend people are gossiping about her or keep my mouth shut.

OP posts:
Conniedescending · 29/11/2016 10:28

I'd tell her - sounds like namby Pamby parenting to me

user1477282676 · 29/11/2016 10:29

Strawberry you sound hysterical....you'd report someone over a toddler coat refusing?

It's NOT neglect and people like you are awful for wasting the time of pressed services.

Her parenting style is not yours. That doesn't mean she's neglectful.

Get a grip.

Trifleorbust · 29/11/2016 10:31

It's neglect to not provide your child with warm clothes. If they refuse to wear them, though, it's not neglect at all. He can't be that uncomfortable if he doesn't want to put the coat on.

Shiftymake · 29/11/2016 10:33

I don't want to mention it to her. I know she's vulnerable. It is her child that is vulnerable, she needs a gentle? heads up that she can take his jacket with them and put it on when he starts to complain and have a trouser in a bag ready to slip it on when the point that it is too cold with summer attire is made and warmer clothes is nice in the cold. All she needs to do it bring the stuff with her and let him learn that there is a reason people wear more clothes. Or do as we do, I lay out the uniform and that is what is worn, anything else is "missing/lost/in the wash".

gingina · 29/11/2016 10:34

Sounds like the judgey Mums are all on here this morning.
Must be nice to be perfect

mammybops · 29/11/2016 10:35

Have a word with your friend. Don't mention gossip but kindly reinforce that she's the adult and no matter what tantrums that may ensue in this weather her toddler really should be wearing a coat. Even my walking radiator (aka youngest daughter) is now in coats, admittedly only a mac but it's enough for her (while my eldest goes into school dressed as though we live in Siberia!).

I couldn't just stand back whilst I saw a toddler shivering but would be a judging gossip like the school mums are.

BaldBaby1970 · 29/11/2016 10:35

Her other dcs are always dressed for the weather. From speaking to her I know she is trying to get her toddler in to warmer clothes and he is refusing.

So to summarise:

Mother has 4 dcs
3dcs are always dressed appropriately
1 dc is currently (poss going through a phase) of refusing to wrap up
School yard fuckwits choose to disregard 3dcs appropriately dressed and focus on the 1dc and determine neglect and God knows what else.

I agree with others, you should be putting the gossips straight and not bothering your friend with their claptrap. You need to care a lot less about playground gossip, they will be gossiping about something else next week.

myoriginal3 · 29/11/2016 10:37

They're just home from the school run gingina after their weekly report into social services. Confused

Trifleorbust · 29/11/2016 10:38

God, there are some sanctimonious people in here, aren't there? The child has a coat which he refuses to wear. The other kids are appropriately dressed. There is absolutely nothing to worry about here other than a child choosing to be cold.

SaucyJack · 29/11/2016 10:41

Maybe neglect is too strong a word, but it is slightly crappy parenting to let a very small child freeze because you can't be bothered to have the coat battle with them. His Dad can get him to wear a coat.

He won't learn anything from it at that age. Toddlers often don't have the logic skills to link actions to consequences.

playmobilpeacock · 29/11/2016 10:44

My DC2 point blank refuses to wear a coat. I can't make them wear one as they just hysterically rip it off. Every day I beg and plead and offer bribes or say they can't do something fun. Nothing works. They will not wear a coat. I have to go out to take DC1 to school.

I carry a coat with me but they have never put it on, no matter how cold. And some people think I'm neglecting my child because of this?

How would you make them wear a coat?

If this woman has half the stress that I have over this problem then I have nothing but sympathy for her. It's a horrible phase and I cringe every time I see another parent give us a 'look'.

There by the grace of god go I and all that....

Trifleorbust · 29/11/2016 10:45

SaucyJack: Agreed. But 'slightly crappy' is a long way from 'neglect'. It won't hurt him.

Olympiathequeen · 29/11/2016 10:50

Does she walk to school with the child? If she brings him by car and collects him it's no big deal, but common sense says bring a coat and hat so that the teacher can put it on at break time.

She clearly isn't coping if a 4 year old is dictating what he wears. Suggest she speaks to her HV.

NightWanderer · 29/11/2016 10:50

My Sil used to give me a hard time about DS1's coat refusal. I was so pleased when her baby turned into a coat refusing toddler. Leave her alone OP, you sound just as judgmental as the others.

impossible · 29/11/2016 10:55

Don’t tell her about the gossiping – she will feel terrible.

Could you help discretely? Offer to have her dc round for tea / take him to park (sounds like your friend might be glad of a break). And ask her to bring coat for him (even if he's not in it). Then play some games with your dc and hers – how quickly to get a coat on, who can get hood up first, a button done up etc. I always found it really helped if my dcs worked something out with their friends – much easier to get them into coats, shoelaces done up if some sort of game. Try to carry it over to next school day – how quickly can dcs get coats on, make up a song even, or suggest your friend’s dc surprise his mum by putting coat on as he’s such a big boy now. Worth a try if you can get a little time with him. Sounds like you might have the patience and creativity she can’t find at the moment.

user1480182169 · 29/11/2016 10:56

Her parenting style is not yours. That doesn't mean she's neglectful

OP says the kid is in t-shirt and shorts. It's fecking freezing: thats not a difference in parenting style.

MrsSthe3rd · 29/11/2016 10:56

I have a coat refuser...... those judgey parents probably would of had a field day with me!

JosephineMaynard · 29/11/2016 10:58

I'd view a coat less toddler accompanied by an adult carrying a toddler coat differently to one not accompanied by an adult carrying a toddler coat.

Its a lot clearer that the issue is a stubborn toddler rather than slightly crappy parenting if the parent is carrying around the unworn coat.

DianaMitford · 29/11/2016 10:59

FGS! Of COURSE people should be concerned about a toddler shivering in the cold. It's basic human instinct.

This child is clearly too young to know what's best for him and it's the parents' job to teach him what is and isn't right.

Plenty of people fight with toddlers (me included!) about supplementary garments like hats, gloves, etc. But the bottom line NEEDS to be that the basic, appropriate clothing is worn. I honestly cannot believe anyone would say it's in the toddlers best interests to stand freezing in the playground.

Added to which, if his behaviour is causing an impact on other areas of his life (not being allowed to leave preschool) it's again down to the parents to set those boundaries.

Trifleorbust · 29/11/2016 10:59

user1480182169: Being cold for half an hour is not the end of the world. It may be in perfect parent land, but the rest of us understand that he will be fine. It's hardly 10 below zero.

Trifleorbust · 29/11/2016 11:00

DianaMitford: No-one is saying he is better off cold. They're saying it's not neglect. He will shiver a bit until he realises that being warm is better than being cold, or until he decides to do as he's told.

DianaMitford · 29/11/2016 11:11

Trifle - I didn't say that people were saying he'd be better off cold. I said that it is a parents role to ensure basic clothing appropriate to the season is worn. Despite what the toddler thinks. That isn't happening in this situation and - quite rightly - onlookers are concerned. Because a small child is being left to shiver in the cold rather than being taught to wear the bare minimum of what is appropriate.

dowhatnow · 29/11/2016 11:15

If she whips out a coat each time then the judging will stop - even if he refuses to wear it, she's not being neglectful.

BaldBaby1970 · 29/11/2016 11:16

FGS! Of COURSE people should be concerned about a toddler shivering in the cold. It's basic human instinct.

Concerned = fine.

Gossiping/judging and calling neglect = overreaction.

The issue here is that playground gossips are overlooking the fact that this mother is quite capable, indeed she manages to get coats on 3 of her kids, and instead focusing on the one coat refuser and deciding the woman is "not coping" or "neglectful". It's got nothing to do with concern and everything to do with enjoying a gossip.

Trifleorbust · 29/11/2016 11:16

I honestly cannot believe anyone would say it's in the toddlers best interests to stand freezing in the playground.

Your words, Diana. The only problem being, of course, no-one was saying that.

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