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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not mention it to my friend

255 replies

Peculiarparenting · 29/11/2016 09:42

That the mums at school are talking about the fact she does not put a coat on her toddler in this cold weather. He is normally in short sleeves and shorts at drop off and pick up time and is shivering which is what other mums are not noticing. This has been going on since September but it's more noticeable now as the weather is alot colder and he is dressed so inappropriately.

My reason for not wanting to tell her is that she had a baby a few months ago and is juggling a lot with 4 dcs. Her other dcs are always dressed for the weather. From speaking to her I know she is trying to get her toddler in to warmer clothes and he is refusing. He does feel the cold when he is outside though as he is shivering and asking to go home.

I have gently tried to give her ideas about how to get him in a coat. My dc was also particular about clothes and I just had to hide the things I no longer wanted him to wear so he was left with no choice. I have noticed when he is with his dad the toddler does wear a jacket and hat so I suspect he can be forced in to it.

Should I tell my friend people are gossiping about her or keep my mouth shut.

OP posts:
user1480182169 · 30/11/2016 09:18

Her children are exceptionally well cared for in general. Always in clean clothes and presentable. Their behaviour is also very good

Doesn't really matter if the clothes are clean if there aren't enough of them. And their behaviour isn't very good at all if she can't even get clothes on one of them.

Qwertie · 30/11/2016 09:29

Could you give him a fluffy animal onesie or fleece & joggers with his favourite characters on?

littlepeas · 30/11/2016 09:37

There are a couple of posters on this thread who are being deliberately belligerent and obtuse. Ultimately, unless you are a nursery worker, the only experience of caring for toddlers you are able to draw from is your own - you cannot judge someone else's situation based on that experience. I have 3dc, all were different as toddlers, my eldest was easy - no tantrums and generally very compliant, ate well, etc - my dd, described upthread, was incredibly willfull and stubborn, a very very difficult child at that particular age (had been an easy baby). My youngest sat somewhere between the 2 and was probably a fairly average toddler. They were all raised in the same loving way and were provided for equally - it was their characters that made them different, not the parenting. We adapted to their needs and did our best, they have all turned out to be nice kids. If the extent of your experience is an easy, or typical, toddler then you really are in no position to judge someone who has a difficult one.

Furthermore, toddler tantrums and willfullness is not poor behaviour - it is a developmental stage!! A toddler is not a reasonable creature and a compliant toddler is down to sheer luck, not any sort of exceptional parenting, in the same way a baby who sleeps through the night quickly is.

I very much dislike the judgy tone on this thread. I doubt the judgers will change their viewpoint, so I'm signing off now rather than getting further involved in an an argument with strangers on the internet, but wanted to post one last time in support of the OP's friend and all the other posters who have experienced a clothes refusing toddler!

user1480182169 · 30/11/2016 09:51

"You can't judge anyone elses situation": how often this shit is trotted out! OF course you can.
It is very very simple. It was as low as minus 10 today in the south of england. If a child is walking to school in tshirt and shorts: you CAN judge that. It doesn't matter if the mother has 47 other children, all of them with 2 heads, some things are simply not acceptable.

Get over yourselves.

KERALA1 · 30/11/2016 12:06

God I hope she has sorted this today it's still under freezing at lunchtime in the usually mild south west. Agree with user above.

ThePearlNecklaceOfTheresaMay · 30/11/2016 13:01

I think, when the temperatures are in the low single figures and even into minus figures, that is the time when the coat battle becomes one worth fighting.

Possibly there's an argument to be made against forcing the issue for the sake of a peaceful school run, if the temperature is a mild, autumnal 10 degrees. But if it's -3, as it was here today, warm clothing really does become a non-negotiable.

KERALA1 · 30/11/2016 14:10

Interesting conversation - when does "how dare those judgey cows in the playground judge my parenting we have all been there toddlers can be nightmares parental solidarity" schtick flip into "you are not meeting the basic needs of your child, it takes a village, we are properly concerned and have to speak out for the good of your child"?

As Pearl says, summer clothes on a toddler last week is one thing, this week then yes I would be judging and actually quite worried.

coffeetasteslikeshit · 30/11/2016 14:59

Crikey, I must have been being judged for the last 12 years. Neither of my boys like to wear a coat or jumper. It's a battle that I'm not prepared to engage in as I feel it's up to them to decide how cold they need to be before putting one or both on.
I can remember being forced to wear a coat/hat/gloves/scarf when I was young, because my mum said it was cold. Well I wasn't cold, she was.

They also wear shorts throughout the winter and I have a photo of DS1 when he was about 5 out in the snow in flip flops! I warned him he'd get cold feet, but he wanted flip flops. His choice. Nothing bad happened. Not worth arguing about imo.

Oh, and neither of them dictate anything else that posters have suggested. All it is is that they get to choose their own clothes, nothing else. No sweets for breakfast, no skipping school if they feel like it, just choosing to wear what they feel comfortable in. And yes, sometimes (all the time!) they look cold and I suggest putting on a jumper or coat, but they say they're fine.

OP, I wouldn't say anything about the gossiping. Ime of the our school gossips, they're small minded, unhappy women who will always find something negative to dwell on.

Potnoodlewilld0 · 30/11/2016 15:02

Great post littlepeas one I heartedly agree with

user1480182169 · 30/11/2016 16:41

Ime of the our school gossips, they're small minded, unhappy women who will always find something negative to dwell on

pointing out a cold shivering toddler freezing in tshirts on a cold winter day does not make you small minded gossip. It makes you a sensible and caring person/
Wittering on about how toddlers don't need to wear jumpers when the temp is below freezing on the other hand makes you an absolute tit.

coffeetasteslikeshit · 30/11/2016 17:01

I'm a double tit then as I have 2 DC'S that I let make their own choices when it comes to clothes!

coffeetasteslikeshit · 30/11/2016 17:03

Also, if you were a sensible caring person, as opposed to small minded and unhappy, you wouldn't be gossiping about another woman behind her back, you'd be offering help.

septembersunshine · 30/11/2016 17:07

My son was like this. I feel bad for her because she knows he should be in a coat. I don't know if I would tell her. Horrible to turn up at the school to think people are watching and judging you. I would just be supportive and keep supporting her on trying to get the coat on!

nanny3 · 30/11/2016 18:13

thermal t shirts is a good option thats what i did for my daughter

user1480182169 · 01/12/2016 10:08

I'm a double tit then as I have 2 DC'S that I let make their own choices when it comes to clothes!

If you let them wear t-shirts and shorts on my school run this morning (-4 with freezing fog) you'd be more than a double tit. You'd be a neglectful parent and I for one would be telling anyone I could think of who could compel you to get off your ass and and do the basic minimum of parenting.

DarlesChickens61 · 01/12/2016 10:49

OP what is your friend allowing her toddler to wear outdoors in these freezing temperatures?

Comtesse · 01/12/2016 11:45

Hey User 14 what is your problem? Why are you so invested in this thread? You know the OP is not the mother of the coatless kid so why are you going on and on? Seriously over the top reaction. Did you read that bit about "this is not a fight club" up the top of the page??

user1480182169 · 01/12/2016 11:50

What is my problem? Maybe its the hordes of people pretending neglect is just a difference in parenting, and that people shouldn't judge if you are doing your best.
Somebody has to state the fecking obvious here, it seems, and repeatedly.

Its baltic out there, and if you drag your kids around in shorts and tshirts it is neglectful. I'll keep saying it until people stop defending it.

SouthofMaui · 01/12/2016 12:18

Couldn't agree more user1480182169

Comtesse · 01/12/2016 12:29

So fun being self righteous on the interweb!!

SouthofMaui · 01/12/2016 13:37

even on the "interweb" decent people believe that a child should have appropriate clothing and enough food, are you saying that it's too much to ask?

user1480182169 · 01/12/2016 13:37

If you think thats fun you need to get out more.

Don't forget your coat though, its cold.

Potnoodlewilld0 · 01/12/2016 13:53

I'll keep saying it until people stop defending it

You mean untill people start agreeing with your point of view? Hmm

coffeetasteslikeshit · 01/12/2016 14:01

I'm a double tit then as I have 2 DC'S that I let make their own choices when it comes to clothes!

If you let them wear t-shirts and shorts on my school run this morning (-4 with freezing fog) you'd be more than a double tit. You'd be a neglectful parent and I for one would be telling anyone I could think of who could compel you to get off your ass and and do the basic minimum of parenting.

Well aren't you just lovely Hmm

Out of interest, who would you tell? I'm going to guess that would be all your other mum friends who have nothing better to do than gossip.

Just as an aside, I was telling my parents about this thread last night as I thought they'd find it as ridiculous as I have. My dad commented that when he was a child in Manchester, he had to wear shorts to school every day until he was 15. Quick, call SS!

user1480182169 · 01/12/2016 14:03

Yes, I'm lovely. AND my children have clothes on in below freezing weather...quick, give me a medal! Hmm

Bemused by your insistence that neglecting your childrens basic needs is ok somehow because teenage boys used to wear shorts in Manchester (with jumpers, likely), but ok, whatever you need to justify yourself.

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