To not mention it to my friend

[Peculiarparenting]

That the mums at school are talking about the fact she does not put a coat on her toddler in this cold weather. He is normally in short sleeves and shorts at drop off and pick up time and is shivering which is what other mums are not noticing. This has been going on since September but it's more noticeable now as the weather is alot colder and he is dressed so inappropriately.

My reason for not wanting to tell her is that she had a baby a few months ago and is juggling a lot with 4 dcs. Her other dcs are always dressed for the weather. From speaking to her I know she is trying to get her toddler in to warmer clothes and he is refusing. He does feel the cold when he is outside though as he is shivering and asking to go home.

I have gently tried to give her ideas about how to get him in a coat. My dc was also particular about clothes and I just had to hide the things I no longer wanted him to wear so he was left with no choice. I have noticed when he is with his dad the toddler does wear a jacket and hat so I suspect he can be forced in to it.

Should I tell my friend people are gossiping about her or keep my mouth shut.

This could so be DD2 who at 13 will still wander around all winter in shorts and Tshirts if I let her. It's much easier these days because it's possible to explain things or lay down the law as necessary.

What worked for us was:

1. Putting all the shorts away and explaining its winter and we don't wear shorts in winter. I always did this on a Friday because then we had two days to fight over the weekend.
2. Everything has to feel right for her so we would go to Primark and buy things based on the feel not on how they looked.
3. I don't care if she wears a fluffy PJs jumper outside because she's wearing a jumper.
4. Finding a hat she liked the feel of - usually a baseball cap, but still a hat. One year it was a santa hat for about 5 months.

With her everything is tactile but if she didn't put on at least a heavy jumper and a hat she had to stand beside me or go in the buggy - non negotiable.

Should have said she also would wear a sleeve less top over everything as it didn't restrict her arms (if she liked the feel of it!!)

It was minus 5 here in the South East this morning, I would be battling with my DC to get coats onto them, if not a coat then loads of warm layers. I hope that your friend did too for the school run, If the child was without a coat/top layer today I would have to say something to the friend.

Having 3 warmly dressed children doesn't keep this child warm nor should be used as the measure that this child's best interests are being met.

She has tried bribery but he takes it off as soon as he is given what he wants.

So bribery does work then - although I am sure I don't need to point out the obvious flaw in the plan here.

How old is the toddler?

I'm sorry to some previous posters but some these comments are crazy, yes he is a person but parents are meant to be a guiding force for their children and sometimes that means making them (yes I said making them) do things they don't want to do.

My toddler hates his car seat, he HAS to go in it.
None of my kids like brushing their teeth, but they HAVE to do it.
My kids need to have appropriate clothing on for the weather.

I am the grown up and yes its sometimes often a challenge. Some decisions are not for children.

OP I wouldn't tell her about the gossip, but I would stop pussy footing around and tell her she needs to do something. Offer to help if she will let you.

BitOutOfPractice I know how embarrassing he was only a toddler and got his fist pair as he managed to throw out a perfectly good pair of summer clarks shoes from the car window on the way to holiday. We could only get crocs at the crappy resort shop, so crocs it was. We have plenty of photos of him wearing crocs in snow, rain etc to sow his first proper girlfriend/wife/kids etc

My kids often refuse appropriate clothing. No biggie, I tell them that consequences, ie: cold, wet, won't be able to do certain activities,people might laugh/be confused and they make a decision. When they were smaller, I would just take the coat or whatever along and when they shivered, tell them they needed to put it on or we go.home.

No need for confrontation, but kids have to have some autonomy too. I do think trying a thick fleece, or something soft or fun like a big onesie might help.

Trifle - that's precisely the issue here. It's one of extremes so by thinking no coat is fine, it also implies that you would be thinking that this course of action is the best one for the child. Otherwise you wouldn't agree
This isn't a "oh he's never allowed sweets at a party, what do you all think about that?" It's a case of safeguarding physical health in a toddler who is too small to know what's best for him.

DianaMitford: Sorry, I really don't follow your logic. This isn't an extreme situation. The child owns a coat and won't wear it. His mother is a little worried because he seems a bit cold. Nothing to see here as far as I am concerned

but kids have to have some autonomy too

Not when it comes to their safety. That is our job.

Tshirts and shorts in mid winter is not enough clothing for a child. Your opinion on it is irrelevant.

The child owns a coat and won't wear it. His mother is a little worried because he seems a bit cold

Or trousers, or a jumper. This isn't just about a coat.

It's tough when there are reasons why a child won't wear clothes. I've had two of those. But ultimately, you have to find a way of keeping them safe, which means warm enough in this context.

I drove a 20 mile round trip to swap coats at DDs school today because she'd left her winter coat at my sister's house and we only realised once her school bus came, so she had to just take her jacket. It's too cold for a jacket today, so I collected her coat and drove it in to the school. Because it matters.

There are options here - take the coat with you, thin layers, etc., but you can't just say 'oh well he won't wear a coat and ignore the child.

It sounds like her ds has sensory issues. My ds is nine and autistic, he has serious issues about seams and different materials touching his skin. I spent weeks one August, ordering clothes and coats then returning them, as ds refused to wear them. I could have been in the same situation if I hadn't discovered Boden or Lands end. I now check my emails daily for sale announcements, my D's now lives in Boden soft joggers, t-shirts and their soft fleece lined hoodies. Which is great in Autumn and Spring and would be fine in Winter, if I didn't live in the North of Scotland, where the temperature regularly goes below zero! I would not under any circumstances, let him out in just shorts and t shirts when its -2. When he was a toddler, I would wrap him in a soft fleece blanket to get him from car to house.

I would suggest that your friend ask for a referral for occupational therapy. There are lots of strategies to overcome this that your friend is missing out on. There are soft bristled brushes that can be used to desensitize the skin before dressing. I would also suggest she buy thermal long johns and long sleeved tops to wear under his shorts and t shirts as a compromise. If she shops around, she should be able to find soft seamless thermals and there are actual companies that sell clothing that is deliberately seamless for autistic/ sensory sensitive children. My ds genuinely doesn't recognise when his body is cold. This little boy does, so she needs to take full advantage and have a snowsuit/ coat ready. My ds liked to wear shorts and t shirt which I allowed with thermals and an arctic snowsuit. But as soon as he got home everything got pulled off.

As for your original question, no I wouldn't mention what the other Mums were saying. Offer your support instead, suggest that she ask for a referral for occupational therapy. Offer to watch her older children if she needs to go to appointments. Suss out what the trigger for the problem is and offer ideas that might help.

My child hates wearing a coat. I take a coat out with me but he claims not to feel the cold. It's much easier to force a coat on to a toddler than a 4 year old.

I don't know why your friend puts her toddler in shorts and a t shirt though. At least put on trousers and a jumper.

user1480182169: Plenty of kids - including every boy in the perfectly normal comprehensive attended by my niece - wear shorts in the winter. They run round, they warm up. He is going home afterwards. It isn't brilliant that he is a bit cold but nor will the planet stop turning. You are massively overreacting to a minor issue.

Trifle - how do you know he's not blue? He could easily be.

And it's really NOT "alarmist" - it's about PUTTING SUITABLE CLOTHES ON YOUR CHILD.

I have a 15yo. She regularly refuses to wear a coat when she goes out. That's her choice now - she understands the consequences of not wearing a coat. But as a toddler I wrapped her up as warmly as necessary, despite heavy protest. As a pp said, it's basic parenting

You are massively overreacting to a minor issue

Perhaps you are under reacting. One child is shivering with cold often enough to have caused talk amongst a large group of people, prompted a friend to turn to the internet, and possibly will hit the Daily Mail.
There is obviously an issue.If you want to be an apologist for neglect, knock yourself out.

"This isn't an extreme situation."

Perhaps not yet. But we're barely out of autumn.

She needs to woman up and start bothering to dress her son properly once the real winter weather arrives because toddlers can and will get hypothermia if they're out in minus temperatures in shorts and a t-shirt.

The child in question may have sensory issues but if he wears the coat for his dad and for a bribe it is also possible this is just a power struggle b/w him and his mum.

Trifle - then in my opinion, at best you are short sighted and at worst woefully ignorant. And I don't mean that in a nasty way. I just simply cannot agree with a shivering child not being made to wear appropriate clothing.

Diana. But she'll get cold!

He has been wearing shorts and a t shirt all summer and he doesn't like change. My son was like that too. He would refuse to wear new clothes. I had to hide his old smaller coat so that he would wear his new coat that actually fit him. I was terrified how he would react to wearing a school uniform especislly the jumper as I stopped buying them as he would refuse to put them on. Since he has started school that's changed though and he has stopped that kind of behaviour.

No need for confrontation, but kids have to have some autonomy too.

I can't help thinking this is lazy parenting. Of course, little ones need to learn autonomy, but for the main issues, its down to the parents. How does autonomy work for school uniform? You can't even advise the kid to chose his own coat, schools around here impose a certain colour. When the kid suffers because of his choices, it's the parents fault. If you child only wants to eat sweets, what do you do? let him, and blame him when he is throwing up/ has constipation? Your role is to keep them safe. Give them autonomy when they are old enough. At 2, you can have the choice between a blue or a green jumper, or between an apple and a banana, not the choice to freeze and be miserable. It's ridiculous.

DianaMitford: You're as entitled to think that as I am to think you are being ridiculous.

The gossips should mind their own business. I doubt their super parenting is beyond reproach in every respect. The toddler might have sensory issues. It might be a stubborn little darling at school run time. He will not spend his life without a coat. He will get passed this phase.
Maybe they should give money to children in genuine need such as the refugees from the Syrian conflict who need warm clothes and shelter for weeks not the odd half hour of the school run.