To not mention it to my friend

[Peculiarparenting]

That the mums at school are talking about the fact she does not put a coat on her toddler in this cold weather. He is normally in short sleeves and shorts at drop off and pick up time and is shivering which is what other mums are not noticing. This has been going on since September but it's more noticeable now as the weather is alot colder and he is dressed so inappropriately.

My reason for not wanting to tell her is that she had a baby a few months ago and is juggling a lot with 4 dcs. Her other dcs are always dressed for the weather. From speaking to her I know she is trying to get her toddler in to warmer clothes and he is refusing. He does feel the cold when he is outside though as he is shivering and asking to go home.

I have gently tried to give her ideas about how to get him in a coat. My dc was also particular about clothes and I just had to hide the things I no longer wanted him to wear so he was left with no choice. I have noticed when he is with his dad the toddler does wear a jacket and hat so I suspect he can be forced in to it.

Should I tell my friend people are gossiping about her or keep my mouth shut.

Unicorn I would report to SS for croc-wearing

Can she carry a coat with her? If the child is having fun playing but cold he might put it on to stay longer. And it will show the gossipers that she has tried/has a coat for DS.
My DD's friends often come out from school in their tees with the cardies and coats in their arms and drop them at the playground to play. I think they are bonkers (in the best possible way), not the parents.

My son wasn't a fan of a coat at that age. He didn't feel the cold, I carried a coat for when he did, I got the feeling I was massively judged for slack parenting by parents and preschool. I realise that the fact I felt so judged is a reflection on me but reading this thread has allowed me to see that it is a stand that some people do take which has been interesting reading. Why does parenting sometimes feel like a series of point scoring exercises? Let this woman carry on with what she's doing, have her back if she is a real friend, don't engage with those who think they know better. They don't.

Being cold for half an hour is not the end of the world. It may be in perfect parent land, but the rest of us understand that he will be fine. It's hardly 10 below zero

If putting cloth es on your kid is perfect parenting to you, your standards must be in the gutter. It's kind of the bare minimum; feed and clothe your kids.

Is no-one noticing that this coat refusing child is wearing tshirts and shorts in November? What is the first thing you might do with a kid that won't wear a coat? Put fucking trousers and a jumper on him, for christs sake!

I would take shorts and tshirt out of my dc's wardrobe and just have trousers and long sleeved tops. Other than that assuming he is old enough to understand then I would tell him that he will feel cold with no coat and offer it to him regularly while out but I wouldn't force him to wear it he knows that if it is cold he needs a coat to be warm.

user1480182169: Yes, because clearly everything has to be one of two extremes...

user1480182169: Yes, because clearly everything has to be one of two extremes

Did you not actually read the OP? She says he is in shorts and t-shirts. RTFT.

I made my DD walk a short distance from the house to the car I'm her tights the other day because she point blank refused to put her shoes on. She tried in a puddle and got wet feet which she wasn't happy about. Oh well, I said; next time you'll put your shoes on wont you?

But despite my own Victorian brand of neglectful parenting, I think I would find it difficult to stand by and not say anything about a shivering toddler regularly turning up in these temperatures not suitably warmly dressed.

I'd find it quite distressing to see TBH. As a one off 'snapshot' it could be excused as a bad parenting day. But if it was happening all the time I would have to say something.

You should talk to her, she is being absolutely ridiculous.

Of course, you can make a toddler wear his coat if you insist and distract him! Who is in charge? What sort of parent give up the first time a toddler says no?

So what, you can't "force" your child: not to put their fingers in a plug/ not to climb on window sill/ not to run on the road in front of a car/ not to eat food he finds in the street. I don't know , the list is endless. You don't ask a tiny child for their opinion when it's about their own safety and well being.

No, it's not easy when they are in that mood, yes it will take time, a lot of patience and distraction, but there are no excuse. If the poor kid is shivering, she is being a bad mother. One of mine was crying this morning because his hands were cold, and he was wearing gloves! (told him to put them in his pocket or mine, I didn't let him suffer). I dispair when I see people full of excuses.

user1480182169: I read it. He's cold, probably. Again, he will be fine.

This isn't a child who doesn't feel the cold, this is a child who hasn't yet made the connection between wearing a coat and staying warm. It happens - my dc seemed unable to make the link between wearing gloves and their hands hurting with cold age 2. Did I let them get painful, freezing hands to "teach" them. No, I made them wear gloves. That's not perfect parenting, it's basic parenting.

user1480182169: I read it. He's cold, probably. Again, he will be fine

Probably. Possibly not. But thats not the point. He will probably be fine if he never eats a vegetable. Probably be fine if you don't read with him. Probably be fine without a seatbelt, or vaccinations.
Probably isn't really the standard you aim for, as parents. Stop making excuses for people who can't be arsed to put some clothes on their children.

Fucking hell. When my kids were little, if it was cold they had a coat on. Whether they wanted to or not.
The analogy with sunscreen is true. Parents should parent.

user1480182169: This is the worst type of alarmist fearmongering. She does put clothes on her children. This child refuses to wear them. Granted, I would make him wear them, but I am not the woman in question here. Her parenting may not be perfect but he is not at any serious risk.

Small children are actually pretty vulnerable to hypothermia so whether he's at risk or not depends on how cold it is and how long he's allowed to stand around in it. We had freezing rain and wind here last Monday - a toddler without a coat would have been in serious trouble within 15 min. But in normal Nov weather, no he's not at risk - just cold and miserable. So that's alright then.

Maybe the child has sensory perception issues and the restriction of a coat is more painful than being cold. My children all suffered with this in varying degrees because of a genetic condition and clothing was always an issue. Maybe he needs his coats to be less bulky or baggier? If I were her, I'd always carry a coat so she can offer it. If she has a younger child, presumably she could carry it in the changing bag or on the pushchair. It is a red flag but SS would usually ring the nursery and they would back her up. It is more about making sure that the boy has a choice rather than being judgmental for me although personally, I was more insistent that my children found something they were comfortable in.

She puts shorts and tshirts on him, and he is shivering. No, its not perfect. Very few of us are perfect, but we put adequate clothes on our children. Who cares if he is refusing, you make him.

And no, it is not the "worst kind of alarmist fearmongering" (get a hold of yourself with the hyperbole). It is called basic facts of life.

Its really quite simple, stop filling the child's clothes drawers with shorts & short sleeve t shirts. If he doesn't have them, he cant wear them.
As for the coat, I have had 3 children who all tried that at one time or another, as I was the parent the coat went on, end off.

User that's not fair. She does put clothes on her children. Her other children are always in coats, hats and gloves. It is only the toddler. She is concerned about it and bothered by it as she talks to me about it all the time. She has tried bribery but he takes it off as soon as he is given what he wants. I think she just hasn't had experience of dealing with a child like this so doesn't know how to get him to dress.

I'm on the opposite spectrum as I get looks from parents as my kids are trailing after me weeping. Normally because I've done something to make them cry like made them carry their own book bag or stamped on a crisp they've dropped on the floor because they keep trying to pick it up and eat it. So I am already censoring myself when I make suggestions because I know my method wouldn't be suitable for her.

Some good ideas on here though. I will tell her to carry the coat with her and I have already told her to hide all the summer clothes.

And no, it is not the "worst kind of alarmist fearmongering" (get a hold of yourself with the hyperbole). It is called basic facts of life.

No, it really is alarmist. The child isn't going to be harmed by being cold for a bit. He will be cold, then he will go home and be warm. He isn't naked and he isn't blue.

Ugh. I remember my three children pulling this crap when they were little, trying to get out of wearing suitable clothes.

Luckily they were children and I was the adult responsible for them. They also wore seat belts, couldn't eat sweets for dinner and even went so far as brushing teeth when they didn't want to. It's almost as if I was in charge and had some sort of better awareness than toddlers of what was good for them.

Seriously. Tell the woman. Not about the gossips but to put suitable clothing on her child. If dad can do it so can she.

BarbarianMum: I didn't say 'that's alright then' - it's not ideal. But it's not neglect either.

Just wanted to jump back in and say that although I (gasp) allowed him out without a coat, I forgot to add that he did always wear a seatbelt in the car... I can't quite understand why that is put down as a comparison... he wasn't allowed to play with plug sockets (?) and just to add also, I didn't let him cross the road on his own at 3.
Do we all need to take a deep breath?

Properly unusually cold here today. Last week he would have been fine. This week I'm not so sure. I'm with user long number.

Took my ds to be 10 before he would wear trousers! Never really wore a jumper either. He was hardly ever ill and he did have trousers and a coat. Some children are fine without them. It's a bit of a non issue to me if he does actually possess a coat.