Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 10 11

Original poster

To not mention it to my friend

255 replies

Peculiarparenting · 29/11/2016 09:42

That the mums at school are talking about the fact she does not put a coat on her toddler in this cold weather. He is normally in short sleeves and shorts at drop off and pick up time and is shivering which is what other mums are not noticing. This has been going on since September but it's more noticeable now as the weather is alot colder and he is dressed so inappropriately.

My reason for not wanting to tell her is that she had a baby a few months ago and is juggling a lot with 4 dcs. Her other dcs are always dressed for the weather. From speaking to her I know she is trying to get her toddler in to warmer clothes and he is refusing. He does feel the cold when he is outside though as he is shivering and asking to go home.

I have gently tried to give her ideas about how to get him in a coat. My dc was also particular about clothes and I just had to hide the things I no longer wanted him to wear so he was left with no choice. I have noticed when he is with his dad the toddler does wear a jacket and hat so I suspect he can be forced in to it.

Should I tell my friend people are gossiping about her or keep my mouth shut.

OP posts:

Trifleorbust · 29/11/2016 11:18

And I don't see anyone threatening to report the Cambridges to SS when their son wears shorts all year round

Clearly you have to be a commoner to be neglectful.

myoriginal3 · 29/11/2016 11:20

Lol trifle. Isn't George the cutest though with his little pudgy legs.

Trifleorbust · 29/11/2016 11:22

myoriginal3: Yes, he's a cutie. I bet he shivers in those shorts though!

MonkeypuzzleClimber · 29/11/2016 11:24

Od creatures toddlers. First one would run round the garden in her knickers in January. Second one (born 65) refused to take her cardi and tights off in July. They mostly appropriately dressed now.

I definitely agree you should suggest she quietly brings one out next time it comes up, as being freezing can help change even a stubborn little mind if a coat just 'happens' to be handy, and will keep the judging at bay. Even a little blanket if he is in a pushchair (or he could wear it like a cape if walking )

I now won't carry one for 8yr old as I'm trying to encourage independence and forethought, so sometimes she shivers. Still sometimes has a hard time believing she could ever be cold outside due to central heating. Cue tales of gravel eating, hats indoors and icicles on the inside of windows

myoriginal3 · 29/11/2016 11:30

Royalty don't shiver Trifle! Goodness me... Commoners these days!

ems137 · 29/11/2016 11:30

TBH I'd secretly judge if I saw a toddler stood shivering in shorts and t-shirts in this weather too. If this was my friend I'd definitely say something, not about the gossips though.

My children would be made to wear a coat in this weather when they are too young to make a sensible decision for themselves. It's quite ridiculous that some people pander to the refusal imo when it's so cold. And yes, I've had 3 toddlers who have been far from perfectly behaved and have thrown tantrums if they haven't liked a particular item of clothing. Giving them a "choice" helped for me, instead of yes or no to a coat it was well you can wear this red one or this blue one, you decide.

WorraLiberty · 29/11/2016 11:31

As much as I've not no patience for all the 'gently gently, oh please do what Mummy says, I beg of you', kind of parenting - instead of just sticking a coat on the kid, I really wouldn't focus on the gossip.

If the child is shivering, your friend should stick a coat on him before leaving the house.

The gossipers can fuck off so no, I wouldn't 'dignify' their gossip by taking any notice of it.

OnchaoFerngrass · 29/11/2016 11:34

DS was like this. Every year it's a battle to get him out of shorts. Once it does get cold though he is given a choice of shorts + long socks or trousers. When it gets colder, thick long socks. Which lets face it, is no different warmth-wise to a pair of tights and skirt.

The most important things are to keep the core and head warm, can you suggest a sleeveless coat , soft fleecy scarf and hat. Failing that, my solution was to drape his coat conspicuously over the top of the buggy and every now and again say in an exasperated tone "if you're cold out your coat on!"

chocorabbit · 29/11/2016 11:34

As mumofone1972 has already said tell her to hide any clothes which are inappropriate for this weather if this helps.

toomuchtooold · 29/11/2016 11:38

I don't know why she doesn't just take his jacket with her. It would certainly silence the gossips.

DD2 used to pull this manner of nonsense and I must say that, then and now, she has been really shit at telling when she's getting too hot or too cold. I think that's common in kids who get these sensory issues with clothes. So she might just have to coax/threaten/bribe him into a coat one way or another, as he may not realise he's getting cold.

WorraLiberty · 29/11/2016 11:41

I don't know why she doesn't just take his jacket with her. It would certainly silence the gossips.

For me, it's not about the gossips. It's about the shivering child.

So yes, I don't know why she doesn't just stick the coat over her arm/in a carrier bag and hand it to him when he's cold.

myoriginal3 · 29/11/2016 11:44

Probably because he won't put it on Worra

4sausages · 29/11/2016 11:50

If the child's not allowed to play outside at pre-school without a coat, surely the teachers should ask the mother to bring one along even if the child's not actually wearing it.

OP, if the mother says to you she's concerned, could you maybe suggest she packs away the shorts and t-shirts so the child can only choose from appropriate clothes? If he had on long trouser and long-sleeved top/jumper, then the refusal to wear a coat wouldn't be such a huge deal.

And no I wouldn't bother telling her about the gossip.

onedayimightforget · 29/11/2016 11:53

Is it possible that the child doesn't want to play outside at pre-school and that's why he refuses to wear a coat?

My DD can be a bit stroppy about putting her coat on, sometimes we negotiate and allow a hoody/thick cardigan instead. I've also made it a complete rule that if it's raining you have to wear a coat. She seems to be accepting that for now.

I don't think telling her about the gossips will serve any purpose. Maybe if they say anything to you about it just say that he absolutely refuses despite her constant trying.

UnicornMadeOfPinkGlitter · 29/11/2016 11:56

Does she have the coat with her? Even if he refuses to wear a coat and hat, at least take it into school and so even if he refuses until he sees his friends all out playing in coats, he can then make the choice to put the coat on and go and play. If she has the coat and hat with her then I don't see an issue however if she leaves the coat at home then that's a problem as he has no way of deciding to wear the clothing once he has left home.

Would he wear a hat scarf and gloves and no coat? Or how about a fleece hoodie with gloves and hat?

Some people genuinely do not seem to feel the cold though. My dad is one of those, you'd think as he grew up in Malta and came to the UK at 15 that he would feel the cold, but he rarely wears a coat, in fact im not sure he even owns one. He is always in shorts and a t-shirt/polo shirt, at the most he wears a barbour waxed vest, which is sleeveless and this is a man who is out in all weathers.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 29/11/2016 11:59

"and I know she is not the type to force her child to do anything they don't want."

There's the issue then. She needs to be the adult and tell him what he is wearing before he leaves the house. He obviously will wear it if his dad hahas it on him when they go out. I'd judge too I'm afraid. No excuse to be wearing shorts and t shirt anyway, let alone without a coat.

BitOutOfPractice · 29/11/2016 12:02

Surely it's obvious to anyone with half a brain that if she has three lids dressed warmly and one who is not, that the issue is likely to be that child not the mother.

OP I think you've had some good suggestions to give her (hide the shorts, bring the coat) so you can help her some more. I would tell anyone who gossips to you to fuck off have a think about what might be happening before judging.

Good luck with helping her. You sound like the kind of friend she needs, not the smug perfect parents in the school yard

DianaMitford · 29/11/2016 12:05

Trifle it's implied. If people are of the opinion that it's ok for him to be without a coat, therefore it follows that they think it's in his best interests not to be forced to wear one. Which, incidentally, he obviously can be because the father manages to get him into one.

BarbarianMum · 29/11/2016 12:07

"and I know she is not the type to force her child to do anything they don't want."

How about sunscreen and a hat in the summer? Or a seatbelt in the car? Toddlers are kind of dependant on their parents making sensible decisions on their behalf. No wonder people are judging.

BitOutOfPractice · 29/11/2016 12:08

Kids. Not lids

toomuchtooold · 29/11/2016 12:10

Worra with my DD bringing the coat would have been a figleaf for the gossips and nothing else. She'd have been as resolutely against the coat at the end of the walk as at the beginning. I've seen her swear blind at the swimming pool that she's not cold even when her lips are turning blue.

Sometimes it worked in our favour though. When she was 2 and a half we moved to a country with properly cold winters. We dressed her up, as she shrieked, in waterproof fleece trousers and a thick jacket. Then we put her on a sledge to go out in the snow and she lay on it, stiff with rage, until after about 10 minutes she realised that lying on a sledge and getting pulled around is quite good fun.

pregnantat50 · 29/11/2016 12:10

is her toddler in a push chair or walking? If he is in a pushchair could she put a blanket on him to keep him cosy?

Trifleorbust · 29/11/2016 12:11

DianaMitford: That doesn't follow. You can think something isn't in someone's best interests without thinking it is dreadful or anything to get worked up about.

UnicornMadeOfPinkGlitter · 29/11/2016 12:14

oh and I speak as a mum of a son who now does wear a coat and appropriate shoes, but when he was younger would only wear crocs! Rain or shine crocs, was so pleased when they brought out crocs wellies and fleece lined crocs.

snowinafrica16 · 29/11/2016 12:15

we had this battle - not getting why she's not carrying a coat for him so that she can at least be shown offering it to him to shut up the perfect parents that are happy to gossip without offering any help. The short sleeves are odd too - why doesn't she sling out all the short sleeved t-shirts and replace with much warmer tops? Reduce the choice-set?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 10 11