AIBU partner doesn't want to join accounts

[Asia88]

Hi ladies - so I've been a bit upset with my fiancé. For several months the plan (laid out by me) has been for us to join accounts. And IMO it would have been beneficial for him because:

• I earn more than him so he'd have access to additional funds on the main account

• I was going to also give him access to my savings account linked to primary account it has £10k in it already... I'm able to put £1k a month there at least. He could see how we are saving together each month and have access to those funds as well.

• Fiance is now giving me £500 each month (total monthly bills add up to about £400) plus pays for food (about £100 a week :-/), petrol, car and expensive insurance (also rather pricey!) and Netflix

In summary I reckon he'd be much better off if we just shared all the money. For me the main benefits would be:

• make me feel more secure through 6 months of maternity leave when I'm only paid SMP but I can definitely manage as is, though might mean subsidising from savings

• look at ALL the expenses and where I could cut useless expenditure to maximise our savings (e.g. Fiancé paying for gym membership he's not used for the last 6 months)

I thought I was being all nice, fair and selfless introducing the idea but I find that he's been dragging his feet. I didn't want to force this onto him so presented the idea about 5 times over the last few months gauging reactions - each time mildly positive but not really enthusiastic.

Then finally a week or two back he says we should really join accounts.

Great! I called my bank and got things in motion. Told my partner and he's gone hesitant again. Asked him what's the problem and he said:

• I thought it would be nice for me to have access to your account in case I'm out of money by the end of month like last time

He then said something about "slowly moving incomes and expenses" there but that part didn't sound very convincing.

I am upset because I feel like he just doesn't want to take that step in the relationship, and he doesn't seem to grasp the whole concept behind the joining of accounts.

Also this is not entirely an isolated incident - over the summer he made a decision to give a half of his house in Greece to his sister without consulting me at all. When I was upset about it he said it was "between his family" kind of suggesting I and bump are not in that category

Oh btw he invested £40k in renovating the house that he is not going to see again as his sister never has any money.

Don't put all your eggs in one basket and especially not yet, as this could all backfire...

It doesnt sound to me that its the OP thats putting all their eggs in one basket though does it!

I don't understand why I always seem to get such a bashing on this forum, people calm down!

I'm putting money in savings with an understanding it's for our future. He contributes £500 which is not even a third of his salary, duh! It just so happens that bills are low so £500 cover 90%. He would have been paying exact same amount elsewhere in rent without it being put to savings to ensure his own child's future and ours! With a child on the way I'm not planning to ask him for any additional money.

Also unbeknownst to you - and even not clear entirely to me - he seems to have other pockets of income that are off limits to me which I didn't even mention here. I know he also has a flat in Greece (in addition to the house) that he is renting, a few thousands sat in his Euro account still, and yes the bank of well-off daddy. I only know of these as they have been mentioned to me in passing.

Also I think you are all forgetting that the very question I asked was - I wanted to put his name on both current account and savings which he seems to be opposing.

How am I the bad guy at the end of this now? Unsure.

Also a couple of posters made me realise that I should look into securing the house properly as it does seem the partner can claim a share - especially as he calls his payments "settlements" as someone pointed out.

I had a bit of a discussion with him today and offered to return his "settlements" he said it is a fund I'm collecting for our child.

So for a 1/3 of salary he is now effectively saving money, arguably gaining a claim to the property AND securing our child's future.

Wow not too shabby of a deal contrary to what you folks say!

Wierd that he is secretive and hiding his assets from you, no?

Why do you want to marry someone you are having to coerce, cajole and question so much?

You two are not even singing from the same hymm sheet even at this early stage.

You sound completely incompatible. Anyway, go back over this thread carefully and see what you can glean from it. Is he putting you and the baby first op?

Is he excited about being a daddy of your child and making plans for his new future?

Are you bossy and dicatatorial?

How do you see this relationship in a few years when you have given up work to look after the baby and he is still on a lowish income compared to how yours was?

How helpful is he around the house? Good at cooking, cleaning doing the laundry?

All these things matter so good to find out now who's going to put the bins out, who will take days off work if the baby is sick, who is going to get up frequently in the night to feed/soothe the baby.

:)

I think it is the fact that you are saving money from your joint income in your name only while he pays nearly all the bills that doesn't seem reasonable, even if you are doing it for your joint future. You can't really argue that you are doing this because he is hopeless with money if he actually has savings and property of his own so it just seems quite controlling.
Obviously, if he is happy with the situation that is what matters though.

I don't understand how you can make a family with someone and not already have sorted all this out.

Persian I was advised by a family lawyer that although pre nups are a good starting point re intentions etc that the law is changing all the time about them, they're not or could not be said to be watertight and yes a court decides the final outcome re assets.

But a couple with a pre nup in place should not blithely think the pre nup is watertight.

Personally op if I knew your fiancé I'd be warning him off you as you sound very grasping re money and what's mine is mine etc.

I would not be rushing into any full joint account, have a joint account which you both pay into for bills and expenses. I think, its better and safer also to have your own account with money, just in case things go tits up. It sounds as though he is not emotionally into you, sounds a bit distant.

Now, now, Richard. Don't be bitter. The OP's relationship is not your string of terrible mistakes. WTF? I'm married to my first partner. Someone's projecting here, but it isn't me!

I wouldn't do it. We have our separate accounts that our wages are paid into, we then pay an amount into a joint account that covers the mortgage, bills, groceries etc, that way what's left of our wages is ours. I'm going down to SMP soon and my husband has amended the amount I pay towards the bills but still leaves me some money to play with, I'll then resume my previous payments once I return to work

TBH from your first post to the Ines now you seem to have changed tone

At first I was all feeling for you, in fact thought you a bit of an idiot to be getting involved with DP
But now.... I really hope DP has some good friends giving him solid advice because I really think he is going to need it!

You have the house in you name, all bills paid by DP, mortgage paid by DP, transport, food and Netflix paid by DP while you put all your money into savings.
If you decide to leave him what will he get? A big fuck all from the sounds of it.

If this was the other way round people would be screaming woman's aid at you, but as you are carrying his AND YOUR baby apparently it will 'cost him for you to carry his baby' as you said earlier.

I'm a full time student and my husband works. We couldn't join our accounts yet due to student finance. However I'm not sure if we ever will. He had his earnings and I currently have my student finance. When I'm working I will have my earnings. Currently bills are included within the rent, and we each pay our own. But once we move into another house, instead of a student house, we will add up the total monthly cost for bills and so on, and pay half each.
(He had financial issues in the past, so that could affect me in the future)..
Maybe one day when we are more straight financially we may do, but I wouldn't be upset if we didn't ever have a joint account.

Perhaps he doesn't feel comfortable that you earn more than him, and therefore he is contributing less to the account?

Im wondering if he is picking up the bulk of the bills as his way of showing commitment.

Also what op may be aware of and so is he if he's Greek they take on the role of provider especially as re wife and kids. It's changed maybe a bit in the past few years but they still tend to go by traditional roles so op not paying much and "saving" and him providing. My half brother who's half Greek Cypriot is of same mindset.