AIBU partner doesn't want to join accounts

[Asia88]

Hi ladies - so I've been a bit upset with my fiancé. For several months the plan (laid out by me) has been for us to join accounts. And IMO it would have been beneficial for him because:

• I earn more than him so he'd have access to additional funds on the main account

• I was going to also give him access to my savings account linked to primary account it has £10k in it already... I'm able to put £1k a month there at least. He could see how we are saving together each month and have access to those funds as well.

• Fiance is now giving me £500 each month (total monthly bills add up to about £400) plus pays for food (about £100 a week :-/), petrol, car and expensive insurance (also rather pricey!) and Netflix

In summary I reckon he'd be much better off if we just shared all the money. For me the main benefits would be:

• make me feel more secure through 6 months of maternity leave when I'm only paid SMP but I can definitely manage as is, though might mean subsidising from savings

• look at ALL the expenses and where I could cut useless expenditure to maximise our savings (e.g. Fiancé paying for gym membership he's not used for the last 6 months)

I thought I was being all nice, fair and selfless introducing the idea but I find that he's been dragging his feet. I didn't want to force this onto him so presented the idea about 5 times over the last few months gauging reactions - each time mildly positive but not really enthusiastic.

Then finally a week or two back he says we should really join accounts.

Great! I called my bank and got things in motion. Told my partner and he's gone hesitant again. Asked him what's the problem and he said:

• I thought it would be nice for me to have access to your account in case I'm out of money by the end of month like last time

He then said something about "slowly moving incomes and expenses" there but that part didn't sound very convincing.

I am upset because I feel like he just doesn't want to take that step in the relationship, and he doesn't seem to grasp the whole concept behind the joining of accounts.

Also this is not entirely an isolated incident - over the summer he made a decision to give a half of his house in Greece to his sister without consulting me at all. When I was upset about it he said it was "between his family" kind of suggesting I and bump are not in that category

Oh btw he invested £40k in renovating the house that he is not going to see again as his sister never has any money.

[Angelitron]

Don't marry him, he's not that keen by the sounds of it.

Keep your house and saving safe.

I refused a joint account, I like my own account. (SAHM)

[Olympiathequeen]

He really doesn't sound 100% committed to you yet and frankly, I would hang on to my financial independence until you both feel totally secure with each other. Joint bank accounts can actually be more trouble than they're worth. I suggest a joint account where you both contribute equally to the bills and keep everything else separate. As you earn more save what you can and always make sure that money is outlined in any joint purchases (house) so that you can get it back. With half of all marriages ending in divorce and even more partnerships, then financial independence is vital.

[Asia88]

PuzzledAndPissedOff okay so perhaps the whole pram and house in Greece issue was presented in simplistic terms.

1. Pram - we initially bought second hand paid half and half. After 2 months I didn't like it (discovered it had a yellow stained mattress in carrycot) - asked partner if we could sell it and buy new one. He said I was only doing it because my friends at work had nicer prams and he was unwilling to spend extra money on a flight of fancy However seeing me upset about it he then said okay, if I really want to we can buy new. I said I'd be fine with the old one.

But then couldn't get the piss stained mattress out of my head and sold the pram on eBay not telling partner (didn't fancy another outburst thanks). Told him after I sold it, said I could pay myself. He said okay. Then yesterday he apologised he couldn't contribute to it (but he could really, though I can understand why he wouldn't want to maybe?)

1. House - well that's a bit of old news, he got the house after his Greek grandmother as an inheritance alongside £40k (50k euros) - he invested pretty much all that money in renovating the house. He's had that property just sat there doing nothing (not renting out, literally useless) and a nice bmw he bought for himself. That was all years before we even met. However recently his sister started throwing tantrums - she's a massive failure in life (sorry to be unkind but it's true) and she felt her family needed to sort out her future for her, give her at least as much as my fiancé was given. So yeah for the "peace of mind" he just agreed to give her half of that house meaning half of the house value at the time of acquisition and indirectly half of what he invested in renovating it.

So yes some could argue that it really doesn't concern me I guess?

I was concerned though and upset which he obviously passed on to his parents making me look like a greedy cow His parents then reassured ME on Skype (they are Greek) that THEY will contribute money when we decide to buy a bigger house. However I somehow don't see how:

• I'd be demanding bags of money from 80+ elderly couple I have seen twice in my life

• dealing with my partners attitude as I bet he'd be trying to avoid any friction with his family and lean towards my savings which will be seen as easier access

[Olympiathequeen]

To clarify too (have gone through the same thing) your partner has no claim whatsoever on your house regardless of whether he pays towards the mortgage.

to do this he would need to go through the formal, legal process of becoming a joint owner. Don't under the present circumstances do this now. If you marry it all changes so safeguard your share legally then.

[Lorelei76]

Asia, read your last post again
Imagine your best friend was telling you this about his or her life
What would your advice be?

[Asia88]

Marynary I very much like your suggestion but afraid that would mean him paying in £1000 a month and me nothing which I can't see him being too happy about.

Also it would mean mortgage coming out of joint names account which in light of what people are saying on here is probably not a good idea - I guess he could potentially argue the house should be part his then? Not sure.

[Marynary]

Marynary I very much like your suggestion but afraid that would mean him paying in £1000 a month and me nothing which I can't see him being too happy about.

I am not suggesting that you do anything until you are married. If the reason you wouldn't be paying any money into the joint account is because you are on maternity after having his baby why would he be unhappy? Once you are married the house would be his as well anyway wouldn't it, so a bit pointless to avoid a joint account for that reason.

[Asia88]

OlympiaTheQueen thanks for that - there are many urban myths around how someone can just become part owner through renting for a bit, or argue ownership because they paid something towards property. IMO one can argue anything they want in court (heard about a lady suing McDonalds over coffee being hot) but in simple legal terms (and my common sense tells me) nothing belongs to you until you have your name on it or you are joined up by marriage (in which case automatically both names are on things.)

People talk about a pre-nup in case of marriage at the moment the marriage itself is getting far removed from my mind I am definitely not someone to be forcing people into anything they don't want to enter and his mindset proves rather unattractive to me lately.

If I learnt anything from my failed relationships in the past is to cut the love and affection and exit with dignity when you can still do so rather than fighting for love and giving until you are the one discarded like trash.

[Asia88]

Lorelei76 I really don't know, I guess knowing him I don't think he is that bad however this is definitely something that needs addressing.

The problem is you can't really talk through stuff with him, he says what you want to hear (tough you can tell by his body language what he really feels) and that's that. I reckon he is the kind of guy who just lets a situation roll on to it's natural unraveling (he's been surprised by girlfriends breaking up with him out of the blue before.)

[doji]

If he is contributing toward the mortgage and you don't have a tenancy agreement, then yes he actually does have a potential claim against your property OP:

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/relationships/relationship-problems/relationship-breakdown-and-housing/if-you-live-with-your-partner-relationship-breakdown-and-housing/if-you-live-with-your-partner-and-you-own-your-home-relationship-breakdown-and-housing/relationship-breakdown-and-housing-beneficial-interest-if-your-partner-owns-the-home/

[ijustwannadance]

I really don't see the need for a sole joint account, even in marriage. Having your own accounts and one joint that you both pay x amount into each month that the bills come out of, fine.

But DO NOT GIVE ANYONE ACCESS TO YOUR BLOODY SAVINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Especially with someone who isn't great with their own finances or who hides their savings from you.

You could've just bought a new matress for the pram.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

his mindset proves rather unattractive to me lately

I don't blame you in the least - and yes, while some might well argue that "giving away half the house" isn't your business, it's the mindset which matters even more than the details. I'd have thought, too, that any proud new dad would be only too pleased to see his baby in a nice clean pram, not making spiteful remarks about what colleagues have bought

I'd also be very concerned about his disloyalty in passing on your private discussions for his parents to pick over, and certainly wouldn't be accepting money from them at this stage if ever; frankly I'm not sure I'd want that kind of obligation hanging over me

As I've said, a detailed and far reaching conversation seems needed ...

[pregnantat50]

maybe he realises that he isn't good with money and doesn't want to put himself in the position of spending yours. The admission he ran out of money at the end of the month and he could have dipped into yours was at the same time he was hesitant about joining accounts, so maybe he feels its wrong as he knows he cant help himself where money is concerned it could be he feels he is protecting you from his bad ways?

If you did join accounts and instead of saving he was spending, the arguments and conflict that follows could seriously damage your relationship. It sounds like he is paying the bills and food, so I would just keep your accounts in your name and he can play with his pocket money!

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

You're on maternity leave to give your joint baby a good start. Why the hell should you fund it all?

I honestly find it a bit weird when people in a committed relationship with children don't pool their finances. But I wouldn't be rushing to get a joint account with this guy.

[Asia88]

PuzzledAndPissedOff that is exactly the kind of thing I have an issue with - yes in logical terms everything he does can be explained away but emotionally it is sad he doesn't see the need for our little one to have a nice pram, or for us to have a bright future with loads of savings and "making it" as a unit.

In his head it is all very much about him, his Greek family, his love of cooking and having a quality lifestyle, whereas I very much stand on my own two feet and have a mindset of organising, saving, and prioritising for the future, the baby, the family, the greater good overall.

Either way thank you for all your comments they are very helpful however sadly confirm some of my deepest insecurities about this relationship.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

Apologies Asia - I cross posted with your comment "you can't really talk through stuff with him, he says what you want to hear (tough you can tell by his body language what he really feels) and that's that"

So what you've got here is a partner who's feckless with money, sidelines you on family matters, feels uncomfortable discussing your supposed marriage and doesn't want to talk through any of it?

I'm absolutely certain that you can do much better than this, and I believe that, deep down, you know it

[Marynary]

I really can't see that he has done anything terribly wrong. He may not consider you to be family yet but that doesn't mean he will be the same once you are married.

[Asia88]

Puzzled... thank you, for the risk of sounding a bit pathetic, I don't think I can. I want to make this relationship work out but if it doesn't I'm going to throw in the towel. If I can't make it with this guy who was clearly over the hills in love with me for a good year while I was not really that into him, he has been much kinder, nicer and sweeter to me than anyone else I've ever met - if I can't make that happen than I might as well quit the game. But hey upwards and onwards, I am happy to have a little child and happy to be in a position to support him even if I have to go at it on my own.

[RoseGoldHippie]

I don't understand the maths here at all!

If he is paying for all the bills and food, what are you paying for?

Do all your wages go into savings and then he pays out for all the bills etc, and not actually earn enough to cover all of them and have a bit of a life too?

[Asia88]

RoseGold it does work a bit like that. He pays a set amount each month that happens to cover about 90% of bills. He also does the food shopping and maintains the car. Most of my salary goes into savings, but not all.

[Marynary]

Are the savings in your name only?!!!

[gillybeanz]

OP, you sound like you don't get on at all tbh.
Little things like buying a pram shouldn't cause so much upset.
He isn't very good with money and you don't share the same philosophy about money and saving.
I'm sorry but no way would I join up finances, especially savings, with a man who sounds bad with money. The differences would make me question if he was the right man tbh and wedding would certainly not be happening anytime soon, if at all.
Some things you just can't get past, you need to ask yourself if this is one of them.

[winterisnigh]

Op only skim read, its an unpleasant situation to be in because you need to be together in finances to move forward no matter whether he is spendthrift or not.

If its any consolation its taken me a long time to even get a basic budget out of DH not because of anything but laziness and yet he would get really stressed if I over spent, but I said how can I know if we dont have a budget!

We know have a budget and its been implemented only this year ( been together 10 years) and life is so much easier because we know exactly where we are! We know all incoming, all bills and now allocate money accordingly for holidays, general spending, petrol money, dc bdays, christmas etc.

I know when its Saturday I have x amount allocated for that weekend. We have a very clear idea of what we can afford, it sounds so stupid and ridiculous but living within this structure has removed so much stress.

I wish we had done it years ago we would be in far better position now if we had. But better late than never.

why not suggest living in a certain financial way for a couple of months to see if it works?

[Asia88]

Marynary yep they are at the moment - I thought that much was clear from my initial post. Hence I thought it would be all good and fair to put both our names on them.

[Lorelei76]

OP " I was not really that into him, "

So how did you get here from there? Obv you don't have to answer this but now I am wondering if the baby was planned.