AIBU partner doesn't want to join accounts

[Asia88]

Hi ladies - so I've been a bit upset with my fiancé. For several months the plan (laid out by me) has been for us to join accounts. And IMO it would have been beneficial for him because:

• I earn more than him so he'd have access to additional funds on the main account

• I was going to also give him access to my savings account linked to primary account it has £10k in it already... I'm able to put £1k a month there at least. He could see how we are saving together each month and have access to those funds as well.

• Fiance is now giving me £500 each month (total monthly bills add up to about £400) plus pays for food (about £100 a week :-/), petrol, car and expensive insurance (also rather pricey!) and Netflix

In summary I reckon he'd be much better off if we just shared all the money. For me the main benefits would be:

• make me feel more secure through 6 months of maternity leave when I'm only paid SMP but I can definitely manage as is, though might mean subsidising from savings

• look at ALL the expenses and where I could cut useless expenditure to maximise our savings (e.g. Fiancé paying for gym membership he's not used for the last 6 months)

I thought I was being all nice, fair and selfless introducing the idea but I find that he's been dragging his feet. I didn't want to force this onto him so presented the idea about 5 times over the last few months gauging reactions - each time mildly positive but not really enthusiastic.

Then finally a week or two back he says we should really join accounts.

Great! I called my bank and got things in motion. Told my partner and he's gone hesitant again. Asked him what's the problem and he said:

• I thought it would be nice for me to have access to your account in case I'm out of money by the end of month like last time

He then said something about "slowly moving incomes and expenses" there but that part didn't sound very convincing.

I am upset because I feel like he just doesn't want to take that step in the relationship, and he doesn't seem to grasp the whole concept behind the joining of accounts.

Also this is not entirely an isolated incident - over the summer he made a decision to give a half of his house in Greece to his sister without consulting me at all. When I was upset about it he said it was "between his family" kind of suggesting I and bump are not in that category

Oh btw he invested £40k in renovating the house that he is not going to see again as his sister never has any money.

Your posts really worry me, OP. I think because you're pregnant you're trying desperately to make you and he a family unit. You really aren't. It's not just a question of what he says and does but what he doesn't do. No money for a pram? And you want joint accounts and give him access to your saving account? Crazy - not you, the situation.

Given that he has a different cultural or familial experience and expectation than you do, and that he handed over his half of house to his sister AND loaned her £40k... all of which without any discussion or decision-ability from you, what exactly do you think the state of your savings account will be?

You're pregnant and you need to protect yourself and the baby. You can love him and even marry him but please, keep your house in your name and your finances separate.

I think you have a romanticised idea of what 'joint accounts' mean and it's nothing like the reality when you're at risk from a partner's incompatible mindset. I'm married; we have separate accounts and would always move money as needed. It's better for us that way and may would definitely be better for you and the baby too.

I am a big believer of shared accounts and family money, but in your situation I would become a non believer.

Completely unlike him!
He's a waster and a cocklodger in the making. You'd be daft to share anything with them!

PuzzledAndPissedOff first of all thank you for reading more of my posts and bringing this realisation home. I do think you have a point and it has gone through my head a couple of times at least to return the ring to him and say to maybe re-think until he realises what it actually means

It doesn't make me feel any better that he never really mentiones the wedding and I feel like he is not entirely comfortable if I bring it up.

But then I'm trying not to be too negative as I feel my willingness to look at, analyse and cling on to things that are not going well rather than celebrating what is right meant broken relationships in the past.

I don't know about joint finances, I think it has advantages and disadvantages tbh. DH and I kept ours separate for years, then it just got too complex so they became joint but it was just for ease of management more than anything else but I have money that I hold in my name. I don't think it's a must have in a family/ relationship at all.

What about the middle ground? Have a joint account for family stuff/ bills?

memyselfandaye. i think the 500 in total goes towards the bills, food and the car and insurance and netflix. not just the bills. so in reality its not much. i imagine it was just the way it was written and that OP pays the other half.

"I purchased the house on my own, deposit all mine, and earn more he is effectively a tenant paying an instalment each month - I don't think it makes him part owner."

Would the 'Joint Accounts' you talk about in your OP (and later) include his name being added as joint owner of your (joint) home?

If not, I think he is resistant to protect himself. I think, in that case, he's possibly right to be.

5 (5!) Not very good relationships in a row. One or two is a mistake, 5 looks like not reading the signs very well.
Now a man who proposes after 6 months - and you liked that (!) but isn't totally on board with marriage.
You're pregnant but he doesn't want to contribute to a pram.
He sees his 'family' as not you and hasn't discussed big movements of money like what to do with a house.
He's so generous he runs out of money at the end of the month.

Yes as lorelei says you are ignoring all the red flags.

OP
Never mind his claim on your house now
He will have a claim when you're married

Have you talked to any of your friends about this? You are walking into disaster and you refuse to see it.

Hmmm from a legal Point of view. Not a solicitor but you're co habiting right now.

His name I presume is not on your title deeds and I wouldn't put it on there either. He does NOT have a share in your property despite him being father of your child. All he does is pays money in.

Things get more tricky when you're married because he may try to claim for half of the family home despite how property is held because he may try to say he needs a home and space for his child if you split up and if he goes for joint custody. Then though you'd be able to claim for a financial order from him towards costs of raising your child, through the family courts.

Personally I was told by all my solicitor friends DO NOT have kids without getting married.

Had friend of mine, engaged, 2 year old, her ex (who she got engaged to) was throwing her £50 a month support and no more yet she couldn't really take it anywhere unless she paid a good deal of money and even then no guarantee of payment etc...

it will obviously be my savings that we look at when selecting our next home I bet

Only if you choose for it to be ...

And what's this about not being able to contribute to a pram? Is he seriously saying that he can give his sister tens of thousands but can't afford this for his own baby?? I'm really sorry, but as I said, an in depth conversation would definitely be wise

He's telling you what he really thinks about money (what's your is his and what'is his is his own) and (perhaps even more importantly) that he doesn't view you to be family in the way that his sister is. He's also making major financial deductions without you.

I know it's overused, but it's also true - when someone tells you who they are - believe them!

Don't get joint accounts at this point. And seriously think about seeing a solicitor about whether a pre-nup could be an option if you go on to marry him.

His priorities are totally skewed re his sister and you! Of course he can help his sister but he's engaged to you and expecting a bloody child with you! head desk

I really hope that your blinkered approach and desperation to make this work at all costs, isn't going to bite you later, Asia. I think Puzzled* is probably right in that your previous experiences have coloured your view to what you think is normal and acceptable.

When things are going right they can seriously fade out what is going wrong and it's always women who suffer from this, who learn to their costs all too late. Please protect yourself and your baby first - anything else can happen later.

Why don't you have a joint account for bills only? Split the bills in half (if possible) and on each of your pay days just put the half in there.

He is financially reckless.
Sorry but I wouldn't marry him. See all the threads about financially irresponsible partners for a glimpse of the future.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe another fab nickname btw - just wanted to thank you for a long and resolute response that I felt managed to point out problems but the same time be warm and kind.

A lot of people say to create a joint account and contribute equal amounts which could work but if I am to receive about £600 in total for SMP I'd end up paying pretty much all my money into it (if I match his £500 contribution) I just don't think it makes much sense and I won't be any better off from it.

You have a good job. You have savings, you live within your income, you are continuing to do so (just) even though you have the additional expense of a baby and are on SMP.

He on the other hand, does not earn as much as you, and despite only coughing up £500 a month for household expenses spends above his salary , does not save or prioritise spending on your child, is still reliant on hand outs from his father.

You have very different attitudes towards money, and I think you , and your child, have more to lose from allowing him access to your earnings/savings. I doubt that he will change, he does not even seem to realise that having a child should mean that spending needs and priorities change.

I think you should keep all your finances separate, but as a pp said set up a joint account to cover shared expenses with the agreement that any left in the joint account at the end of the month is sideswiped into a joint savings account.

When he gave his sister money how long had you been together? I can kind of understand why he didn't consider you to be "family" yet considering you are not married. I don't think being pregnant with his baby automatically makes you family even if you are engaged.

I feel my willingness to look at, analyse and cling on to things that are not going well rather than celebrating what is right meant broken relationships in the past

Self knowledge is wonderful, but I can't help wondering if you're doing yourself an injustice here. As a professional worrier myself I know where you're coming from, but it's not always that you're imagining things are wrong ... sometimes they really are wrong

Given his reluctance to talk about the wedding - and his discomfort if you bring it up - I wonder if this is another "wrong" thing

We have a joint account that we both pay two thirds of our salary into. Everything for family/house/cars/main family holidays/trips etc comes out of there. We also put £100 a month each into a 'fun fund' - on top of normal joint expenditure, just for 'just in case type fun' oh shit the car's broken down money.

We then still have a few hundred quid a month that is 'ours' to piss up the wall, or whatever.

Oh, and when I was on maternity leave and paid only a % of my salary, and then was on SMP, I still paid only two thirds of what I got each month into the joint account. Obviously during that time I used the joint account for everything apart from a few treat bits that I could afford.

Asia, every single poster on this thread is rooting for you to protect yourself and the baby. I know some of the advice can be a bit direct but it's full of compassion and very, very pro-women's rights and protection because it's always the women that are left in detriment when things go wrong.

I hope this relationship is going to be long and happy - and make you feel safe and secure but, on the off-chance that there is a problem and things do go belly-up, you don't want financial and legal stresses piled on top of any heartache.

Can you go and see a solicitor for some advice for YOU and your rights in the event of marriage/sharing accounts, etc.?

A lot of people say to create a joint account and contribute equal amounts which could work but if I am to receive about £600 in total for SMP I'd end up paying pretty much all my money into it (if I match his £500 contribution) I just don't think it makes much sense and I won't be any better off from it.

I wouldn't contribute equally. I would contribute so that you both have the same amount left in your personal accounts each month. That is what DH did for many years after we got married. I worked very well.

In your case, I definitely wouldn't join accounts.
It doesn't sound like he is very good with money. You clearly are.
I wonder if he is anxious that he might overspend when he has access to the additional funds. So he doesn't want to put temptation in his own way.
I think you should open a new joint account and both pay money into it. That way you would tick your box of joining up a bit, but without the obvious risks of making everything available to him.