AIBU partner doesn't want to join accounts

[Asia88]

Hi ladies - so I've been a bit upset with my fiancé. For several months the plan (laid out by me) has been for us to join accounts. And IMO it would have been beneficial for him because:

• I earn more than him so he'd have access to additional funds on the main account

• I was going to also give him access to my savings account linked to primary account it has £10k in it already... I'm able to put £1k a month there at least. He could see how we are saving together each month and have access to those funds as well.

• Fiance is now giving me £500 each month (total monthly bills add up to about £400) plus pays for food (about £100 a week :-/), petrol, car and expensive insurance (also rather pricey!) and Netflix

In summary I reckon he'd be much better off if we just shared all the money. For me the main benefits would be:

• make me feel more secure through 6 months of maternity leave when I'm only paid SMP but I can definitely manage as is, though might mean subsidising from savings

• look at ALL the expenses and where I could cut useless expenditure to maximise our savings (e.g. Fiancé paying for gym membership he's not used for the last 6 months)

I thought I was being all nice, fair and selfless introducing the idea but I find that he's been dragging his feet. I didn't want to force this onto him so presented the idea about 5 times over the last few months gauging reactions - each time mildly positive but not really enthusiastic.

Then finally a week or two back he says we should really join accounts.

Great! I called my bank and got things in motion. Told my partner and he's gone hesitant again. Asked him what's the problem and he said:

• I thought it would be nice for me to have access to your account in case I'm out of money by the end of month like last time

He then said something about "slowly moving incomes and expenses" there but that part didn't sound very convincing.

I am upset because I feel like he just doesn't want to take that step in the relationship, and he doesn't seem to grasp the whole concept behind the joining of accounts.

Also this is not entirely an isolated incident - over the summer he made a decision to give a half of his house in Greece to his sister without consulting me at all. When I was upset about it he said it was "between his family" kind of suggesting I and bump are not in that category

Oh btw he invested £40k in renovating the house that he is not going to see again as his sister never has any money.

No wonder he has no money left at the end of the month if he's paying the mortgage and the majority of the bills. And the money in your savings isn't really yours is it, if It's from where you've been ripping him off. How the hell did you get him to agree to this? Rather than access to your savings, you ought to sort out a fair division of the bills and pay him back the money you have taken

He's not taking steps to treat you/him/baby as a unit because in his mind you're not (yet).

As you said, he's immature. He hasn't quite grasped what he's got himself into with you and baby.

I think you will feel, deep down, that the baby will ultimately end up being your job once it's born. He will do stuff if you ask/ when it's his turn etc. But he won't be taking the initiative. He's not made that leap yet.

I see this all. The. Time. Even in men with grown children. So immature.

Hopelesslycynical yeah that's harsh and unnecessary. I'm not going to do that sorry I could if I wanted him to just go on and spend loads of money yet still turn to me in a couple of years in time to make deposit on the new house. Also what the hell, I'm caring his baby and that doesn't come free. I think I just accumulated enough money so I won't have to beg for his support now that the arrangement will likely remain unchanged.

FabFive yes I think you hit the nail on the head there. He does seem to comply with what I set out but doesn't really "get it" - just like you said.

He doesn't "get" the whole sharing accounts because we should be a unit and a joined force, he doesn't "get" that he should WANT to buy only best things for his baby, he should WANT to make us both save as much as possible for the future.

In his head there is the demanding me with the unborn baby and him just complying not to make waves.

It's a bit deflating but hey I definitely had much worse in the past.

I don't get l, from an evolutionary and biological point of view even, why men are so hard headed when it comes to their own offspring!

You are starting to sound a bit controlling now OP....

Marynary I should probably just let this post die off now but really enjoying the exchanges. Only my second day on mat leave so maybe a bit too much time ;-)

Thanks to everyone who took the time to give advice

Me and my partner don't have joint accounts. We lend each other cash when we need to, but have never considered joint accounts. (He's got shit credit and I don't want my credit rating sullied by his slap dash spending ) we have a child together and split various costs, so I'll buy it and he'll give me half. We also have a mortgage and just manage with an account each.
The guy sounds like a right tool and doesn't seem to want to act like a grownup. He can't afford to help with the pram but is willing give half a house away?
If he wants to join accounts so he can mooch of you till pay day, I wouldn't bother.

Why is the hous only in your name and he pays all of the mortgage?

He is in a really bad position here, maybe that's why he has bought that house with his sister?

User... and Totally I don't meant to be harsh to you guys but just because you had bad experiences doesn't matter my guy is the same.

He doesn't "get" the whole sharing accounts because we should be a unit and a joined force, he doesn't "get" that he should WANT to buy only best things for his baby, he should WANT to make us both save as much as possible for the future.

In his head there is the demanding me with the unborn baby and him just complying not to make waves.

This is what I meant. You're trying to force him to get on the same page as you, but this isn't something you can control.

Try to grow up before your baby arrives.

I am paying the mortgage and the bills but he contributes the amount that covers 90% of it all AND the house is entirely in my name, so I'm not exactly someone who lets herself be taken advantage of
I haven't read the whole thread yet but you do know that he will most likely have rights over your house in the event that you split up as he has been contributing to the mortgage unless you have got some legal paperwork already drawn up.

OP "I should probably just let this post die off now"

Possible translations

1. now everyone knows I have nothing to whine about, I'm off
2. I started this thread as a weird experiment - maybe to count the number of "cancel the cheque" posts after the big reveal!

Check he doesn't have debts up to his eyeballs or isn't paying off a family loan. Once married his debts become your debts. Please hide your savings if you marry this man.

I don't actually know anyone in real life that has joint accounts these days, even when married
The only couple I can think of is my parents, but they have been married since 1973.

don't think I have a claim to any of my former landlords houses
But did you share a bed with any of your previous LLs??

So he thinks it would be nice to have access to your savings, for when his monthly money runs out.

Doesn't discuss life changing decisions such as the house in Greece with you,

And will not contribute to the purchase of a pram.

Run.For.The.Hills

If one party doesn't know how to manage money you don't teach them by adding them to your savings account and giving them unfettered access to your life savings. You start by setting up a household account and then help by scrutinizing every outgoing so you both know what you spend your money on.

I'm starting to feel that I'm reading a different thread to many other people.
weemouse- OP's partner pays for 90% of all the bills including the mortgage and food even though he is a lower earner. Rather than contribute her fair share to the bills, OP puts her earnings in a savings account in her name. I don't think he is unreasonable for thinking OP could cough up for a pram considering that he is paying for nearly everything else.

If one party doesn't know how to manage money you don't teach them by adding them to your savings account and giving them unfettered access to your life savings.

They aren't her "life savings". OP has built up the savings during the relationship because she hasn't had to contribute much to bills as he has paid them.

I'm sure he's a nice guy but he's hopeless with money. You can't change that. He needs to want to change.

I agree with most people. Keep your money separate and make sure he knows you expect him to contribute fully to the baby's expenses. If that means he has to give up his gym membership then so be it.

What evidence to we have that he is "hopeless" with money? He has a savings account. He pays 90% of the bills including mortgage. He was able to spend 40k doing a house up....

He's not hopeless with money really if he's paying most of the household legal expenses and you are saving what you don't pay out.

The article someone linked to was interesting re money being paid towards a mortgage but I raised this question a year and a half ago with my ex boss re my mum and her DP. House as far as I know is in her sole name they're not tenants in common etc... She paid mortgage and made significant overpayments on mortgage and DP paid rent. There was an affair not admitted to and words were had at that time, I was assured that if they split up my mum would more than likely keep the house and as they jointly own a holiday home that could be split.

I think it would be costly and stressful to go down another legal route. It may well be why he's either pushing to get married (eg engaged) or not getting married despite being engaged.

My friend I mentioned earlier in this thread with the fiancé and young child, I told her to marry him asap if she got back with him when they broke up (she is back with him) as she'd be better protected. He called her a gold digger when they broke up. She's now living with him in a house and I'm unsure (as I don't speak to her now) if she's sold her house to fund this property but she now works part time, sahm/w otherwise. But not married! And up shit creek without a paddle as far as I can see!

Also it's a bit laughable op I think you mention a pre nup but your savings are from your joint earnings recently... And obviously the house is an asset. Beware that a pre nup generally as the law changes etc is or can be hard to enforce and isn't water tight. In fact based on his parents helping him/you in the future re a house I'm not surprised if they're wondering about their son getting a pre nup or protection legally. I think personally you're sounding controlling and that's what's scaring him off the whole wife and father business.

What I thought this was pre-marriage money? Teaches me not to rtft. If he's paying all the bills and you aren't contributing then you should be saving and tbh you should have saved a lot more than £10k as your salary is prob higher.

Fuck, i hadn't realised that he paid for everything whilst you bank your money!

Just wow!

why does he pay so much and you so little?