AIBU partner doesn't want to join accounts

[Asia88]

Hi ladies - so I've been a bit upset with my fiancé. For several months the plan (laid out by me) has been for us to join accounts. And IMO it would have been beneficial for him because:

• I earn more than him so he'd have access to additional funds on the main account

• I was going to also give him access to my savings account linked to primary account it has £10k in it already... I'm able to put £1k a month there at least. He could see how we are saving together each month and have access to those funds as well.

• Fiance is now giving me £500 each month (total monthly bills add up to about £400) plus pays for food (about £100 a week :-/), petrol, car and expensive insurance (also rather pricey!) and Netflix

In summary I reckon he'd be much better off if we just shared all the money. For me the main benefits would be:

• make me feel more secure through 6 months of maternity leave when I'm only paid SMP but I can definitely manage as is, though might mean subsidising from savings

• look at ALL the expenses and where I could cut useless expenditure to maximise our savings (e.g. Fiancé paying for gym membership he's not used for the last 6 months)

I thought I was being all nice, fair and selfless introducing the idea but I find that he's been dragging his feet. I didn't want to force this onto him so presented the idea about 5 times over the last few months gauging reactions - each time mildly positive but not really enthusiastic.

Then finally a week or two back he says we should really join accounts.

Great! I called my bank and got things in motion. Told my partner and he's gone hesitant again. Asked him what's the problem and he said:

• I thought it would be nice for me to have access to your account in case I'm out of money by the end of month like last time

He then said something about "slowly moving incomes and expenses" there but that part didn't sound very convincing.

I am upset because I feel like he just doesn't want to take that step in the relationship, and he doesn't seem to grasp the whole concept behind the joining of accounts.

Also this is not entirely an isolated incident - over the summer he made a decision to give a half of his house in Greece to his sister without consulting me at all. When I was upset about it he said it was "between his family" kind of suggesting I and bump are not in that category

Oh btw he invested £40k in renovating the house that he is not going to see again as his sister never has any money.

My DH and I have completely separate finances - hes rubbish with money and it works for us. We both like it this way. But that means separate finances, it doesn't mean DH dipping into my account if he feels like it. If one of us was running short of cash, of course the other would transfer it. Big purchasers are split 50:50, smaller purchasers probably even out over time (who knows or cares).

The house in Greece was his to do with as he wished (assuming you had not put money into it).

Your savings are your savings - you never know when you might need them.

Re maternity leave - this is a separate issue to everything else, could you split the time under the parental leave rules or discuss upfront how you are both going to fund this.

I dont really understand your finances at all, especially given your last post:

He pays a set amount each month that happens to cover about 90% of bills. He also does the food shopping and maintains the car. Most of my salary goes into savings, but not all

No wonder you can save so much money if you arent paying any of the bills. Up until getting pregnant is this a system you have both been happy with?

Marynary yep they are at the moment - I thought that much was clear from my initial post. Hence I thought it would be all good and fair to put both our names on them.

It wasn't clear to me but perhaps it just didn't occur to me that he was paying pretty much all the bills while you put your money in a saving account. No wonder you are "better" at saving if you earn more and are not paying much towards bills!

Regardless of whether you have joint or separate accounts, it would be fair for you both to pay your share towards the bills and for you both to have access to savings.

Marynary and Laguna I'm sorry I don't mean to be mean but it's not my fault if you skim read and decided on a POV - I tried to explain multiple times in this thread how the finance bit works for us, and that by no means do I feel my partner is a bad guy or anything, to the contrary.

Also I never claimed I possessed any super human powers when it comes to saving money. I feel like some people have a compulsion to take a negative angle on things. The thing was - I recognise that partner contributes more to the overall budget atm and wanted to even it out through sharing both my funds and savings which I only thought was fair and was surprised for him not to be too enthusiastic.

So initially I get told 70% of folk that my partner is basically an arse who is completely uncommitted to me or the baby, when I concede that it might feel that way sometimes (because of some issues like the house or the pram) it then gets suggested that in fact I'm some kind of a twisted leech of a woman once people consider all the info Although actually the latter is much closer to what I perceived myself to be a bit.

I'm sorry perhaps it's my fault for trying to lay out a complex situation in a few posts on a forum obviously everyone's answer will be coloured by their experiences.

Either way I'm super grateful for all the posts - I think on balance there are some things I need to discuss with him but I don't think the issues are as dramatic as some ladies understand.

One poster asked re me being unsure for a year and if the baby was planned. Yes he baby was absolutely and totally planned. I was unsure as initially couldn't heal from my ex and was very afraid to open up.

I was struck by the use of the term 'settlement' to his monthly payment to your account. That's not a general term. That would imply that it's specifically towards the mortgage. It looks to me like he's going after a share of your house.

WhoCanSay I don't know, do you really think he'd be that calculated and savy especially considering how careless he is with his financial management overall?

I think it is perhaps something he has always done when paying rents to landlords.

Asia88 I got the wrong end of the stick because I thought that when you said in the OP that he paid the bills, you were excluding the mortgage in that ie. that you were paying the mortgage and he was paying everything else! That wouldn't be unreasonable. It isn't reasonable for him to be paying 90% of everything including the mortgage while you are putting your earnings into a savings account in your name!

Keep your own finances girl, me and my partner have been together 7 years and have a house and 2 mortgages and we do not have a joint bank acct , he just gives me half the bill money and we split the food shopping.

I can never understand people who will mingle their genes to create a new person, but don't want to mingle their cash. ]

OP, you're unmarried and in a vulnerable position re having a baby. Protect yourself properly before its too late.

Marynary that is normally what I reckon, but then why he doesn't seem keen to join accounts and have his name on main account and savings? I was asking if I was being unreasonable for being upset re: his dragging his feet to do that. Why? Because I think it would help him out, and with good financial management together we could be saving even more.

But then I got loads of messages about red flags in the relationship, that he will ditch me and the baby, even below a lady suggest he is carrying out some mastermind plan to take over my property

Well I have to say I'm happy that towards the end people are starting to see this closer to my own frame of reference and understanding. I thought I was seriously deficient in some way not to recognise the devil in him.

If fact I take it all back!! He needs to join your account incase you decide to piss off after amassing a huge amount because you don't pay your share even though you earn more than him.

Why is that?? How is that fair? Who's idea was it to do that? I think could be something to do with why he wants finances seperate

Also who's house do you live in? Is it in both your names?

What amuses me about this thread is that if the issue had been the other way around (in that the man was in the situation of the OP) everyone would have been telling you that you were being hard done by and the usual Mumsnet "all money is family money" crap that gets trotted out every 5 mins when actually (like a lot of things on these forums) real life is completely different. I don't know any couples or families who stick ALL their money in one pot unless or partner is SAH for a particular reason.

My DP and I earn a base rate similar ish salary. There is often overtime available and I do more than he does purely because there is more available to me. We always put the same amount each into a separate account that pays the bills. The same amount regardless of whether I may have earned an extra £6-700 that month. I did the overtime, it's my money and I will spend it how I wish. We have a baby on the way and nothing will change. It's none of his business what I spend my money on or when.

OP - I think you're crazy for offering this up to him. It's your money, keep it safe and in your name.

Marynary that is normally what I reckon, but then why he doesn't seem keen to join accounts and have his name on main account and savings?

Because he just doesn't. Lots of people like to be independent financially especially if they have different attitudes towards spending and saving. It can save a lot arguments. I do share with DH nowadays but we have been together for 25 years. No way would I have had a joint account before marriage and even after we were married with both keep separate accounts in addition to the joint account for a few years.

But then I got loads of messages about red flags in the relationship, that he will ditch me and the baby, even below a lady suggest he is carrying out some mastermind plan to take over my property

I suspect I wasn't the only one who misunderstood the situation.

What amuses me about this thread is that if the issue had been the other way around (in that the man was in the situation of the OP) everyone would have been telling you that you were being hard done by and the usual Mumsnet "all money is family money" crap that gets trotted out every 5 mins when actually (like a lot of things on these forums) real life is completely different. I don't know any couples or families who stick ALL their money in one pot unless or partner is SAH for a particular reason.

Seriously? I think if it was the other way around and the woman was paying 90% of the bills even though she was the lower earner while the man saved his earnings in his personal savings account people would think it was outrageous.

I am married and have been with my OH 10 yrs - we have separate accounts however are utterly committed to one another. We also have separate saving accounts.
I really wouldn't see the joining of accounts as a reflection of your relationship although I think it rather dubious that he wants access to your account. I think you have more to lose than him out of any plan for joint accounting.

PotNoodle hahaha damn straight - I tell you I would have been thinking along those lines in his position!

Well the whole thing was masterminded by me of course and he agreed. The house is in my name only.

He knows I'm not taking the piss with the money and pile them on in savings. I always tell him these savings will be used towards our future. I think he agrees to this because he recognises he is not that good with finances himself.

Marynary it would suggest some error in my "delivery" but I really don't know where it sits. Perhaps it was the moany tone that got people thinking there has to be something for her to moan about!

Perhaps you are right about the marriage, no reason to rush into shared account before then - especially as I do have a little plan to maybe blow some money on myself after the little one is out that would be a bit awkward to explain away if we shared everything.

Marynary and Laguna I'm sorry I don't mean to be mean but it's not my fault if you skim read and decided on a POV

I havent skim read anything, Ive read the whole thread. I to thought you were paying the mortgage and werent counting it in the "bills" total because £600 a month doesnt seem a lot for all bills to be honest. He is paying most of your bills and you are saving most of your wages in your savings.

Why does he pay 90 percent of the bills? This seems excessive if you earn more? Or is it so you can save and it's joint savings?

How uou have it now seems to make sense in terms of money management though, irrelevant of the balance of who pays what. There is no need for a joint account.

I'd be concerned slightly about the wedding, the fact he seems uncomfortable if it's raised and you feel he hasn't processed it. This coupled with the lack of desire for a joint account, would make me want to sit down and have a chat , maybe over a glass of wine, and try to understand where his head is at.

LeSquigh I think Maryary summed it up about right in terms of factual state of affairs BUT I have to say I agree with the sentiment that a lot of people are quick to see negativity, doom and gloom when others ask for advice but often don't see truly serious issues in their own relationships.

Hence I have long stopped asking some of my friends for advice (and even had to end a couple of friendships after constantly being told the darkest scenarios for my life and future LOL) - I ask people on the forum sometimes as I find all the responses really interesting and enjoy having conversations in a bigger group where we are all anonymous.

Laguna okay I think that's what is was - I put down mortgage as one of the bills that needs paying. It was just a bit of a mental shortcut. The house is small and has a good rate on it so atm mortgage is about £380. He gives me the £500 each month, and because the "bills" (incl mortgage) are so low, that works out as him covering about 90% of everything. He is still left with approx £1000 at his disposal whereas I transfer £1k into savings and after that I'm left with a bit less then him, maybe £800. But then he pays the car (in his name) and food shop. I pay any ad-hoc things that pop up like house repairs, tv license once a year, top ups for electric bill if we go over direct debit etc.

You shoud not marry this man nor have a joint account with him! Massive red bunting flying!!

Op you have not found a great guy at all. He doesn't even seem that into you and who in their right mind would hand over assets so that a baby of his would nott benefit from???

Small, seeming petty things can grow into monstrous future issues and not being on the same page re: finances at this stage is a massive red flag.

You sound his teacher/trainer/guardian...I don't know ANY men who woud like to be bossed about and 'taught' how to save properly or manage finances.

He's not even talking about the wedding! Massive red flag. May be you have taken control so much he is backing off.

Save your money and invest it in your baby, do NOT give him any access to your savings with the spend happy mindset he's got, are you crazy??

Keep your house in your name only. If you marry him and are the bigger income earner you could lose your home to him and all savings and he could become the main caregiver of your baby if it all goes wrong.

You have been warned.

Bluntness I've put more info re how it all works below and I do think it is a reasonable system. I am a bit worried though as to how this will work over my maternity.

I recon if he just contributes the standard £500, I get SMP for £600 then the bills for £600 come out - I'd be left with £500 a month which makes me a bit scared - would that be enough to buy for both me and the baby? Also no chance for any more savings then. I mean £500 a month for I and baby doesn't seem like much so I will likely need to take from savings.

I guess what you said is the issue - I've been feeling some resistance from him to just get on with things like the wedding etc and this seems just another thing he is opposing even though it is contrary to his best interest long term.

Been with DH nearly two decades and we've never joined accounts. Neither of us want to. One of us could suddenly turn into the kind of turd you see in Relationships.

We just share the money in the middle, and keep the accounts separate. And we never fight about money because, well, there's nothing to fight over. It's still shared, but we remained protected.

Don't be so eager to give all your worldly goods to a bloke, especially one as not-particularly-keen as this one. Keep your guard up. You earn more than him so you hold all the cards - why give that away? He'll only end up frittering your money and then what will you have?