AIBU partner doesn't want to join accounts

[Asia88]

Hi ladies - so I've been a bit upset with my fiancé. For several months the plan (laid out by me) has been for us to join accounts. And IMO it would have been beneficial for him because:

• I earn more than him so he'd have access to additional funds on the main account

• I was going to also give him access to my savings account linked to primary account it has £10k in it already... I'm able to put £1k a month there at least. He could see how we are saving together each month and have access to those funds as well.

• Fiance is now giving me £500 each month (total monthly bills add up to about £400) plus pays for food (about £100 a week :-/), petrol, car and expensive insurance (also rather pricey!) and Netflix

In summary I reckon he'd be much better off if we just shared all the money. For me the main benefits would be:

• make me feel more secure through 6 months of maternity leave when I'm only paid SMP but I can definitely manage as is, though might mean subsidising from savings

• look at ALL the expenses and where I could cut useless expenditure to maximise our savings (e.g. Fiancé paying for gym membership he's not used for the last 6 months)

I thought I was being all nice, fair and selfless introducing the idea but I find that he's been dragging his feet. I didn't want to force this onto him so presented the idea about 5 times over the last few months gauging reactions - each time mildly positive but not really enthusiastic.

Then finally a week or two back he says we should really join accounts.

Great! I called my bank and got things in motion. Told my partner and he's gone hesitant again. Asked him what's the problem and he said:

• I thought it would be nice for me to have access to your account in case I'm out of money by the end of month like last time

He then said something about "slowly moving incomes and expenses" there but that part didn't sound very convincing.

I am upset because I feel like he just doesn't want to take that step in the relationship, and he doesn't seem to grasp the whole concept behind the joining of accounts.

Also this is not entirely an isolated incident - over the summer he made a decision to give a half of his house in Greece to his sister without consulting me at all. When I was upset about it he said it was "between his family" kind of suggesting I and bump are not in that category

Oh btw he invested £40k in renovating the house that he is not going to see again as his sister never has any money.

[septembersunshine]

I would actively avoid ever getting joint accounts with this man. Really. Go it alone in that department. Friends have joint accounts and it can lead to arguments. Each person analysing every penny spent by the other...etc...

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

While I agree it might seem fairer to split the bills 50/50, perhaps there's another way of looking at it, given that the bills are so low and the DP is big on the grand romantic gesture but not so keen on discussing commitment ...

He's obviously got to live somewhere, and if he was renting he'd probably be paying out even more - so is he really all that hard done by? Let's not forget too that OP has every intention of using the money for their future, while (very sensibly) preventing it being blown on nothing at all

Granted this arrangement might not work for everyone, but under the circumstances I wonder if it's really such a bad thing

[fruitbats]

Mary has been on it throughout this thread.
HE pays for everything, OP pays for hardly anything but saves her money. She wants access to the rest of his money so she can cut his gym membership and save it. No wonder he has nothing left.
WTF

[MrBloomIsActuallyAttractive]

I agree with Mary...

[SusanneLinder]

My DH and I have a joint account for bills only. Would never have anything else. Not after my skanky ex cleared our account and left me and my kids with nothing when we split up. I should have learned as my dad did this to my mum years back.
DH and I just give each other money as we need it if either of us run out and its never an issue

[raisedbyguineapigs]

I know this thread is probably on a hiding to nothing, but if I was the OP I'd be an evil genius I would suggest joint current account, then separate current and savings accounts. Pay equal amounts into joint account to cover all bills and baby stuff. Your half to come out of your massive savings.Get him to put the money he is not putting into the bills into his own savings account. What you both do with what's left over is up to you. And don't get married, and go back to your job after maternity leave.

[LagunaBubbles]

Fuck, i hadn't realised that he paid for everything whilst you bank your money!

To be honest I dont think a large majority of people on this thread have realised that either!!!

[JC23]

An anecdote for you - I've always been a bit rubbish with money, I love spending and hunting bargains, and I've never really managed to save for anything.
Having fully joint finances with my husband has made a huge difference to my spending as I can't get away with secretly running up credit card bills any more. DH is in charge of our savings and I tend to be in charge of getting good deals on insurance and things like that and I now only spend what we can afford.
So you're not necessary bonkers in thinking that you can help him learn how to manage money.

[Hestheoneandonly]

Just read the updates. It basically appears that you want to be a kept princess with a partner who does exactly as you say. If the roles were reversed and the man owned the house and demanded his female dp paid for 90% of the mortgage and bills whilst he squirrelled away his money everyone would be shouting LTB. Carrying his baby does not turn you into a special little princess. It turns you into a pregnant woman with responsibility to consider another person before yourself. Spend some of those savings buying your offspring (was it planned by both of you by the way) the "best things" and subsidising your maternity leave. He's been indirectly contributing to these for a while whilst he pays your mortgage and bills. Thank god this man has assets outside the relationship and I highly suspect he transferred half the house to is sister to protect it as he realised you basically want all his money

[MissVictoria]

You're his fiancee, not his wife. With regard to his house in Greece, he had no obligation to consult you because it is his property and since you are not married you have no claim to it. The fact you seem to think you should would put me off joint finances with you too.
Being engaged is very different to being married. Absolutely i think married couples should have a joint main account, with separate savings if they choose. BUT until you actually are married, engagement is just as easily called off as a relationship in the early days. Joining accounts before being married complicates things. It means if for some reason things don't work out, the split will be messy and take time figuring out what money belongs to whom etc. It's not as simple as split it right down the middle, as someone will inevitably be getting less than their fair share.

[Ahickiefromkinickie]

OP, 70% of people thought he was being unreasonable because they are going by your first post, in which you didn't clarify that fiance pays 90% of mortgage and bills and pays for all food and running of the car.

If you had made that clear, you would have had a very different response.

You say that you are saving for your future, but what happens if you split from him? You will have the house and child maintenance. What will you do about savings? Will you split them with him? You were able to save £10k because he is paying for nearly everything.

I think you should start paying half of the mortgage and bills, and then he may want to agree on an amount that you both should save each month (either in a joint or separate accounts).

[Ahickiefromkinickie]

And I'm wondering what you said to his elderly parents about your fiance's house that they had to assure you via Skype that they would help you buy a bigger house!

[Ellisandra]

Why on earth would you say you don't think he'll gain an interest in your property, because that's not "common sense"

You would be very foolish not to understand the legal position not just what you think should happen.

He doesn't automatically gain rights.
But it is certainly possible. Especially given that you are engaged, having a child together AND he's paying way more than half of the bills and mortgage - and you're intent on joining fianances

For the love of all things sensible - speak to a solicitor to get your assets protected from a real potential claim.

[YelloDraw]

OP, 70% of people thought he was being unreasonable because they are going by your first post, in which you didn't clarify that fiance pays 90% of mortgage and bills and pays for all food and running of the car.

Yes. I didn't understand that from the first post. I thought OP meant she paid mortgage and he paid most of the other bills.

OP why don't you think you should pay for yourself at all?

[Nanny0gg]

Apologies if I've missed it being mentioned, but if you do get married the house will be an asset of the marriage whether his name is on the deeds or not. (I believe)

Use the next few weeks to see what you really want (and what is likely to happen) with regards to your relationship.

Be interesting to see how he is when the baby comes.

Good luck!

[Marynary]

Be interesting to see how he is when the baby comes.

He is probably thinking the same thing (as you would know if you had read the thread which I'm guessing you haven't) ....

[Charley50]

I think YOU can afford to buy the pram OP.

[Katy07]

I think the poor fiance should be running for the hills! He's having to basically pay all the bills while the OP sticks her money into her savings and has the house he's effectively paying for in her name.

[viques]

OMG, what a turnaround. Poor guy, slated as a spendthrift, now rated as a hero!

[lifetothefull]

I share bank account with DH, but we both have a similar attitude to finance. Don't spend much and consult each other about big purchases. These things work differently for different couples though. To view your DP in a good light, it may be that he knows he can't be trusted to have access to your finances and doesn't want the temptation of being able to spend it. It sounds as if a different option would be better for you two.

[RichardBucket]

Poor guy, slated as a spendthrift, now rated as a hero!

Not a hero, but after the OP clarified (patronisingly) I think he's being taken for a mug. It sounds clear he isn't as into this relationship as the OP is, but then why is he so happy to be financially taken advantage of?

I don't get what he's getting out of the relationship. It doesn't sound all that loving, he just tells her what she wants for an easy life. Odd all over.

[User1987654]

Considering you feel he isn't that responsible for money and you aren't even married yet, I seriously think you're being foolish.

When and if you get married, then discuss a joint savings account for bills as well as having a seperate savings account for yourself.

Don't put all your eggs in one basket and especially not yet, as this could all backfire...

[PersianCatLady]

Beware that a pre nup generally as the law changes etc is or can be hard to enforce and isn't water tight
Under English law a pre-nup is a good starting point to see what the couple's intentions were at the outset of the marriage but the final say in how any marital assets will be divided is always with the court.

[PersianCatLady]

House as far as I know is in her sole name they're not tenants in common etc... She paid mortgage and made significant overpayments on mortgage and DP paid rent
The thing is that you never know for sure until a court decides what will happen.

I don't want to scare you but your mum's DP could say that he had been giving her money every month and as far as he knew it he was paying the mortgage.

You and I know that it is a lie but people do things like that when they split up, I think I have a link about it somewhere.

Here it is -
www.savvywoman.co.uk/878/living-together-does-your-partner-have-any-rights-to-your-property-once-you-live-together/

[Matador]

It sounds clear he isn't as into this relationship as the OP is

Now, now, Richard. Don't be bitter. The OP's relationship is not your string of terrible mistakes.