AIBU partner doesn't want to join accounts

[Asia88]

Hi ladies - so I've been a bit upset with my fiancé. For several months the plan (laid out by me) has been for us to join accounts. And IMO it would have been beneficial for him because:

• I earn more than him so he'd have access to additional funds on the main account

• I was going to also give him access to my savings account linked to primary account it has £10k in it already... I'm able to put £1k a month there at least. He could see how we are saving together each month and have access to those funds as well.

• Fiance is now giving me £500 each month (total monthly bills add up to about £400) plus pays for food (about £100 a week :-/), petrol, car and expensive insurance (also rather pricey!) and Netflix

In summary I reckon he'd be much better off if we just shared all the money. For me the main benefits would be:

• make me feel more secure through 6 months of maternity leave when I'm only paid SMP but I can definitely manage as is, though might mean subsidising from savings

• look at ALL the expenses and where I could cut useless expenditure to maximise our savings (e.g. Fiancé paying for gym membership he's not used for the last 6 months)

I thought I was being all nice, fair and selfless introducing the idea but I find that he's been dragging his feet. I didn't want to force this onto him so presented the idea about 5 times over the last few months gauging reactions - each time mildly positive but not really enthusiastic.

Then finally a week or two back he says we should really join accounts.

Great! I called my bank and got things in motion. Told my partner and he's gone hesitant again. Asked him what's the problem and he said:

• I thought it would be nice for me to have access to your account in case I'm out of money by the end of month like last time

He then said something about "slowly moving incomes and expenses" there but that part didn't sound very convincing.

I am upset because I feel like he just doesn't want to take that step in the relationship, and he doesn't seem to grasp the whole concept behind the joining of accounts.

Also this is not entirely an isolated incident - over the summer he made a decision to give a half of his house in Greece to his sister without consulting me at all. When I was upset about it he said it was "between his family" kind of suggesting I and bump are not in that category

Oh btw he invested £40k in renovating the house that he is not going to see again as his sister never has any money.

I wouldn't be sharing my account and savings with him. I would suggest that you open a joint account together for household bills and each put a set amount in that and anything left at the end of the month should be then put in a joint savings account.

If I were you I would take this one step at a time.

What you DO need definitely is a joint arrangement for paying bills and for extras for the baby (pram etc.) The balance of that is all that joint money gets jointly decided (so he also has a say in which pram etc.) Decide on an amount you need (mortgage + bills + extras) and see if it is enough or too much - you can always change your regular transfer amount later. My OH and I use this account for everything joint (not just bills and childcare but also holidays, clothes for DD, meals out, household expenses, car costs, etc. - anything we do jointly). Then our own accounts get used for meals out without each other, clothes for ourselves, lunches/coffees, hobbies, savings, etc.

Then you can both put an equal amount in each month (or whatever you decide between you is fair), and e.g. if one of you goes out to buy some vests or nappies for the baby you don't need to faff about with the other one paying them half every time.

You do need to talk about what you will do during your maternity leave though: there's no reason why you should take the full hit of SMP - it should be shared between you. But you could sort that out separately (that is what my OH and I did - we aren't married but he basically paid me half the difference between my normal pay and my SMP, so we "shared the pain" of the temporary paycut 50/50 if that makes sense).

Similarly child care costs when/if you are back at work would come out of the joint account.

Then he would still have his own account and his own money, but you would also have an easy way of sharing all your joint costs. He would then know exactly how much money was going into the joint account each month, and would have the remainder of his earnings to manage himself. Hopefully that will also make him a bit better at money management with time (or at least you will find out one way or the other).

User... and Totally I don't meant to be harsh to you guys but just because you had bad experiences doesn't matter my guy is the same.

I really had my share of assholes (about 5 to be precise and in a row!), and really don't think this one is one of them, as in some malicious bastard trying to take advantage of me.

I do think though he is a bit immature and lacks good financial management. It might be right that he has not fully processed the part that we are going to get married (he proposed to me after 6 months) and that he should prioritise me and the baby but I don't think it automatically makes him uncommitted and taking me for a ride of any sort.

We have separate accounts that our salary goes into and separate savings accounts.

We have a joint account for bills that we put the same amount in every month, joint credit card for food shop etc and a joint savings account. We contribute equally to these. He brings home more money than me but not that much more.

I'm currently on maternity leave. I still pay half the bills and mortgage. I'm not saving at the moment and OH pays the credit card off every month.

I wouldn't let my OH have access to my current account as there is just not need. It's not necessarily about trust. It keeping independence.

I'm not sure why you want to join accounts considering it will only be to his advantage at the moment. We do have a joint account but didn't do that until after we were married (after 8 years together) and even then we kept our separate accounts. Why not set up a joint account for all bill, savings contributions and child expenses and then both have the same amount left over in your separate accounts.

I don't know why your so desperate to have joint accounts, sounds like you've got it alright just now.
He pays most of the bills and everything is in your name.
You have savings, he has none?
He isn't rushing towards your suggestion, maybe because you have totally different attitudes to money and he doesn't want to be micro managed financially by you.
If it ain't broken......

I don't understand your current finances, mortgage and bills come to £400 which you pay and he pays you back £500.
Sorry if I'm wrong I might be missing something.

I think you should stop pushing this, he doesn't want it, and the only person who can advise is him

A lot of married people do not have joint accounts

We have separate accounts which our wages get paid into and a joint account which we pay in to for bills, mortgage and childcare. You don't have to have a joint account. And if it all goes wrong OP, he could clear the lot.

Your money is your own.
His money is his own.

You work out what it costs for you to live together and who wants what luxuries (broadband, Netflix etc) and you split it.

That's that. No access to each other's account.

Bluntness and TheSockGoblin I've never been the one to make excuses for men thought out all of my 7 (!) significant relationships to date but with this one I do think that Bluntness is right.

Though a lot of people commenting might see my partner as a bit of an ass from the main post, I know him as a man who probably doesn't make it until end of month financially as he is very generous with his friends and family, and never hesitates to pull his debit card out when paying for our shopping, singing out etc.

He is the kind of guy who has been working hard for his company for 5 years and has been recently invited to meetings at Downing Street but worries about asking for pay rise - always thinking he could do even more, waiting to be recognised for his contributions while working hard with his head down.

I see him as a hard working humble man who also made my dreams come true (he knew after all the bad relationships I really wanted security so he decided to show how much I meant to him through proposing after 6 months)

So yes I think that in light of all of this I'd be leaning towards what bluntness said. I have a feeling he might be embarrassed by his financial management and perhaps doesn't want me to see it.

For gods sake if he spends every penny he has do not let him have access to your savings, you'll have none left! Be sensible.

DH and I have no access to each other's savings btw.

Word of advice, as Marynary suggested and maybe others as well, create a joint account together and agree on a set amount as "spending" money on your separate accounts. I think he wants to have the freedom to use his money without having to answer back to you what he has used his money on tbh, loosing a bit of freedom you could say.

But a joint account created alongside the ones you both have already solves this and you keep some of your savings safe. If he is not interested in what's mine is yours then you should not do that for him. It seems he sits on some money and he doesn't want that as a part of the family economy so you are fine to set aside some of your own savings, a wise thing to do tbh.

From this, in your joint account you have all the bills and connected to it a deposit savings account. Sit down and calculate how much spending money you each need per month: Fuel, random bits and bobs, emergency cash (100-200?). This set sum is your own spending money. The rest! is put in the joint account and covers: Food, bills, rent, savings, insurance aso. The joint account can not be used for random bits and bobs unless agreed on or emergency situation.

be careful. you think he's not good with money, i'm not sure why you'd give him access to your savings account? sounds like a recipe for disaster.

i can see if you live together, are having a child together and are planning on getting married, why having a joint account that bills come out of makes sense. but fgs keep your savings account!

and you know that proposing isn't a commitment? actually getting married and making those vows - that's the commitment.

We each get paid into our own accounts, and pay an amount (proportionate according to income) into a joint account to pay for bills, household expenses etc. We won't fully share accounts - partly because I like to bank online and DH doesn't, and I use a different bank (which has come in handy a couple of times when certain major banking networks have had technical problems).

You have to sort whatever works for you both. There are lots of people here who think that means everything in one account, and if it works for them, fine. It wouldn't work for me, it sounds like it isn't ideal for you as a couple. But I do think you need to have an honest look at incomings and outgoings. And discuss budgeting for baby expenses - the pram thing would really annoy me.

Golden Rule

KEEP EVERYTHING SEPARATE! !!

So he pays the mortgage, the bills and the shopping? What do you actually pay for? I'm not really surprised he doesn't want to merge accounts, as it seems from what you say, he pays for everything.

The fact the house is in your name won't count for much if he is paying the mortgage.

Whattodowiththepoo loving your nickname btw haha.

I've actually made a mistake there. Total bills (and that includes stuff only paid once a year like house insurance) add up to about £600 maybe £650 tops.

Fiance gives me £500, buys food each week (£70-£100 a week), pays for car finance (about £100) car insurance (£80 a month), petrol, road tax and whatever is related to the car. He also pays the gardener and covers Netflix.

House is in my name, car in his name although I'm added to insurance and can drive it if needed.

A new joint account would be a good compromise. Match your contributions for now (either in £ or in proportions of income)

Definitely keep some savings in your name, just in case.

"If we are planning a future together "? You've done more than that, you're having a baby together. Or is he a bit unsure about committing to that too?

I don't actually know anyone in real life that has joint accounts these days, even when married.
Most do have a joint account for bills that they put X amount in each month.

I won't ever join my finances with my partner (other than a joint bill account), doesn't mean i am not 100% emotionally invested in him, it just means that I do need to pool our money together to feel like a 'proper adult couple' as some people assume.

Don't join accounts
You are ignoring a lot of issues here.

KitKats28 well he doesn't pay the mortgage directly to the bank, that comes out of my sole account - he transfers over an amount that he calls a "settlement" which is just his general contribution to the household.

If any of you is a solicitor or financial advisor I'd be interested in knowing how this is seen in the eyes of law. I purchased the house on my own, deposit all mine, and earn more he is effectively a tenant paying an instalment each month - I don't think it makes him part owner. I paid for rented rooms for years before moving here including informal agreements and don't think I have a claim to any of my former landlords houses lol.

he decided to show how much I meant to him through proposing after 6 months

But how worthwhile is this if, as you suggest, "he has not fully processed the part that we are going to get married"? And if he implies that you're not his family by the arrangements and remarks he made about helping his sister?

Believe me I don't mean this unkindly, but I can't help wondering if the awful experiences you've had with previous partners have caused you to "lower the bar" a bit? Certainly I wouldn't be giving him access to savings any time soon, and I'd also want a very careful conversation about just how he sees this going forward ...

Why won't you listen to him he doesn't want joint accounts why can't you leave it alone ?

It seems to me that you may have a problem hearing the word no