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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not bother starting this job?

296 replies

harveyyspecter · 28/11/2016 23:19

Got a part time job after being a sahm for the last 2 years. I'm due to start next week and therefore dd will be starting nursery.

The problem is that one of the contracted shifts is on an evening and I can't get childcare for dd. I didn't realise dd's dad wouldn't be able to take care of her when I had the interview.

Wibu to just not bother with the job or should I start and ask them to swap shifts which will make me look like a flake straight away..

OP posts:
Sgtmajormummy · 29/11/2016 12:41

BlueStockingUK
I'm the poster who left her 3mo with his wonderful childminder until 10pm.
He was there 4pm to 10pm three days a week. The rest of the time he was with me.

I took 6 weeks maternity because I have a very successful private business that I needed to get back to. Those are the working hours. I also BF to 18 months.

He's now a very successful young man and I attribute his placid, easygoing nature largely to the routine and security he got from being with his childminder until the age of 3.

Stick that in your judgy pipe and smoke it!

letmepeeinpeace · 29/11/2016 12:55

I work voluntary as I'm not ready to commit to paid work yet. Works fine for us

aintnothinbutagstring · 29/11/2016 12:56

Brilliant news OP, glad you made that call.Wine here's to a fresh new start.

PoisonousSmurf · 29/11/2016 13:05

She needs to give the dad a good kick up the bum!

yummymummycleo · 29/11/2016 13:31

What about your dd staying at their house so they don't have to be out until past 11? And you pick dd in the morning?

Original poster
harveyyspecter · 29/11/2016 13:32

Thanks everyone. I'm very relieved and I'm glad that I can make this job work. Despite what some people here think I actually really do want to work.

OP posts:
IAmNotAMindReader · 29/11/2016 13:35

Poisonous How is that going to work then? "I need you to be a proper father and stop mucking around because it's only hurting our child"
Twat response: smirk "Fuck off I'll do what I like" or even worse smirk " Yes what do you need?" agrees to everything then changes his mind when he reckons it will be too late to arrange anything else.
At this point in time, it may well be that he is too much of a man child and too self absorbed to see further than his own little world of why should I do anything to help her out. Rather than realising that being a proper co parent involves helping to support your child maintain a stable environment.

DisneyMillie · 29/11/2016 13:57

I'm really glad you've got it sorted.

Although I don't have an issue with other people using baby sitters its not something I'd want to do either. Nursery is different as there's lots of other people there and the risk that the carer would hurt my child either through negligent care or on purpose are therefore much smaller. I understand the risks are also tiny with a babysitter but still not one I want to take - everyone has their own limits in different risks.

scallopsrgreat · 29/11/2016 14:17

Really well done harvey! You took control and it's worked!

I think the lesson to be learnt from this is don't ever rely on your ex. He will fuck it up for you. It is desperately unfair he gets to be such a shit but it might help your piece of mind if you cut him out of the equation.

Detach, detach, detach!

Graphista · 29/11/2016 14:24

Glad you've got this resolved too. How are you feeling about things falling into place? I ask because the obvious answer may be 'great' but as you're anxious and have struggled to get here I'm not sure you'll completely trust it - that's ok, just deal with one thing at a time.

JenLindleyShitMom · 29/11/2016 14:51

Yay!! Well done you!! I bet you feel a million times lighter after sorting it. I'm so glad this is happening for you. Scary but a good change. I also suffer from useless bastard ex syndrome and have been let down so many times by him so I just know not to even ask him any more. It's tough and I've had to depend on my employers to be understanding. Luckily they are. Best of luck for your first day!

DoinItFine · 29/11/2016 14:56

Well done, OP, you were absolutely right to call them.

I think it's a shame so many people on this thread were encouraging you to indulge the idea that you should consider giving up a job you hadn't even started because of a possible childcare problem in 5 week's time.

Your response to a pretty minor setback was completely out of proportion to the actual problem you had.

I'm very glad it's sorted, but I think you need to be aware that being a working parent involves a lot of tenacity.

If your first instinct is to quit your job every time you have an issue with childcare, you are going to be a flakey employee.

People who think leaving toddlers with vetted babysitters is beyond the pale usually don't have jobs and have supportive husbands.

Your anxiety about any kind of evening childcare is not borne out by the actual risks and that kind of inflexibility will hurt you if you really do want to br a working parent in a job with shifts.

Best of luck.

Just because people are saying things you want to hear, doesn't mean they are right.

DistanceCall · 29/11/2016 15:05

Great news, OP!

Fizz You're not doing your children any favours by keeping them dependent on you, no.

Manumission · 29/11/2016 15:07

I think it's a shame so many people on this thread were encouraging you to indulge the idea that you should consider giving up a job you hadn't even started because of a possible childcare problem in 5 week's time.

No doin Hmm

There was almost unanimous agreement (apart from the frothers) that she should follow her own idea of ringing them to attempt to swap shifts.

Which she did Smile

The80sweregreat · 29/11/2016 15:08

I would speak to the employer first. Get the lowdown from them.if the evening shift is set in stone and they wont work around this, you will need to decline and look for something else. I can understand why your reluctant to leave a small child till very late with somebody you dont know, ( if you can find them ) but it will also affect the type of jobs you can look for as well. Finding childcare isnt always easy.( Most people i know have family and i never did, so i can sympathise,.)

The80sweregreat · 29/11/2016 15:09

Sorry x post! Ignore. Good luck for the future.

notfromstepford · 29/11/2016 15:22

Well done on sorting it OP and for what it's worth, I wouldn't have left my 2 yo with a baby sitter at home alone either.
Mine went to nursery at 9 months old, which I felt fine with as there were lots of people and lots of children, but I wouldn't never have left him one to one with someone who I didn't know very well, and I don't suffer with anxiety.

Good luck with your new job, glad everything is falling in to place for you.

FizzBombBathTime · 29/11/2016 17:29

Distance my son is 1. And you are insane. HTH.

user1480182169 · 29/11/2016 17:36

People who think leaving toddlers with vetted babysitters is beyond the pale usually don't have jobs and have supportive husbands

Indeed. And its kind of insulting to those of us who have to employ babysitters to suggest that its an outrageous thing to do, that its an inherently bad thing. Nice for you if you never have to do it, but stop judging those that do.

snowinafrica16 · 29/11/2016 17:40

yeah i agree with that. I'm glad I never had to employ a babysitter from sitters etc, as going out for fun in the evenings was hardly critical but if I'd been in Op's situation and not having a 9-5 job where I could use nursery, I'd have done it. Although if I were Op I'd have got someone to go after my ar*ehat ex too.

MsJamieFraser · 29/11/2016 17:45

Poisonous she doesn't need to do anything, hen needs to step by and be a father!

Glad your sorted OP, FYI, I live in a small village all child minders in my area only work until 8pm.

Original poster
harveyyspecter · 29/11/2016 19:38

I feel happy that things are falling into place but I think it will be a while before my anxiety settles. Everything is changing and I know it's all for the better but it's change nonetheless.

I realise that quitting the job before I'd even started would have been a terrible idea but I've been so worried about it.

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 29/11/2016 19:44

"My ex can only look after dd every second Tuesday as he works one week nights and the next week days. He's asked his boss (apparently) and they've shot him down."

The exes employers need a good kick up their sexist backsides too because this attitude is part of the problem.

Childcare defaulting to the mother all the time.

ComputerUserNumptyTwit · 29/11/2016 20:18

I'll hazard a guess and say that an evening's babysitting would be dearer than a day's CM or nursery fees, and would eat up the wages most people could earn at Sainsbury's.

christmaswreaths · 29/11/2016 20:45

Glad you got it sorted, childcare (day or night) is frankly a nightmare.

I agree with the others that perhaps once you get used to working/leaving your child in the care of others, it will all feel a little easier - even leaving with a stranger/babysitter.

Ultimately most working parents have had to do it/compromise at some point, but as I said it does get easier as ultimately you see that your child is happy/content/relaxed and if anything really happy to see you at the end of a long day/shift. All the best x