To not bother starting this job?

[harveyyspecter]

Got a part time job after being a sahm for the last 2 years. I'm due to start next week and therefore dd will be starting nursery.

The problem is that one of the contracted shifts is on an evening and I can't get childcare for dd. I didn't realise dd's dad wouldn't be able to take care of her when I had the interview.

Wibu to just not bother with the job or should I start and ask them to swap shifts which will make me look like a flake straight away..

I can't get a babysitter who will look after dd until 11 at night

You can, you just choose not to. If you don't want to take the job, don't, but be a bit more honest about it. You are choosing to not do what you need to do to take the job.

How is a babysitter any different to nursery? Both are paying people to look after your child. If you are fine with the latterr you have no grounds to dismiss the former out of hand.

harvey many congrats on the job. Yes, call them up and ask about swapping the shift - you have to, as you've told us repeatedly you have no other viable options. That said - what about the other thread where it was suggested to cal up the chief constable and explain how hard your ex was making it for you to work and the fact that you've got a 50/50 shared care arrangement where you bear all the costs and get no money? You need to tackle these. I know it's hard, but if you don't you're allowing him to torpedo a golden chance for you and your DC. Can you get your Dad to tackle your ex if he's a nasty piece of work?

Like I said, I won't be leaving dd with anyone who isn't family or friends even if they're a modern day Mary fucking Poppins. It's just not going to happen

It IS going to happen: at the nursery!

Honestly, just tell them the truth that you've changed your mind and you don't want the job

ps i agree with mog stress how super reliable you are, how desperately keen you are to do the job, and that this is the only issue. But I also think you should do the hard thing of going after your ex properly.

I can't deal with this thread any more. I came on for support and I'm in tears.

Thank you manumission and everyone else who was helpful.

Sorry OP, is it Sainsburys that you're going to work for (sorry if this is wrong, saw another poster mention it). I work for them, they are usually pretty flexible, have you tried asking them to swap shifts to an earlier day shift or swap the pm shift to another night that perhaps your ex can have her for. Please don't give up without asking, once your are there, they are good about swapping shifts, adjusting your hours if and when needed. And of course colleague discount after 3 months, other schemes, it's not a bad place to work for all considered. Hope you manage to sort something out

The only thing I've ever done right is dd and I'm so fucking terrified of screwing up my parenting.

If you persist in clinging on to her like this and refusing "strangers" to take care of her, you will definitely be screwing her up. Parenting is about helping children to become eventually independent, not to depend 100% on their mothers.

Heavens above! I give up! I'm going for a lie down!!

Good luck OP and well done for taking the steps that you have, yes you've backed yourself into a bit of a corner but I reckon it's not half as bad as you think it is!

Despite what some posters here would have you believe we've all got ourselves talked into situations that we can see the way out of, all I can say is speak to them and I would bet an awful lot of money they will be helpful and understanding

Try not to worry (easier said than done) but things have a way of working themselves out (albeit with a phonecall or 2 from you!)

And well done for sticking to your guns re child care, I understand your reservations regarding this even if some other posters are willingly missing the point!! good luck

If you persist in clinging on to her like this and refusing "strangers" to take care of her, you will definitely be screwing her up. Parenting is about helping children to become eventually independent, not to depend 100% on their mothers

RTWT. The DD starts nursery tomorrow.

Distance are you serious? Well in that case my kids are going to be really fucked up as they spend every single day with me and are VERY rarely looked after by anybody else. I will be sure to let dh know what a shit job we are doing.

Agree with Manumission. This site is supposed to be for support. harvey is anxious and clearly has a lot going on including an abusive ex. Dismissing her concerns and telling her she's work shy isn't supportive.

With regards child minders, do people seriously think child minders grow on trees? A friend of mine lives in a town where there are about 2 child minders. Everyone else has a SAHP. I couldn't even find a child minder to pick up my DS from school (and I live in a city). Although I'm not saying you shouldn't try and do some investigation but it could be possible that you won't be able to find a child minder for that period of time.

And as others have said - just ask the company whether they can change that shift. I know it is a nerve-wracking thing to do, but you've got this far. It's worth a punt.

Don't cry. It sounds like an awful lot is changing at the same time which is awful to deal with I know. Fwiw I have anxiety. I started a new job two months ago and whilst I still dread going in, I know that once I'm there I'm fine, my colleagues are lovely and if I get stuck on something people will help. Getting through the door is the hard part. As I said, ring them and explain. Any kind of retail/hospitality job at this time if year will have temps who can do that shift instead of a daytime one.

This thread is full of playground bullying.

harveyyspecter I'm so sorry this thread developed in such a nasty way. You are completely reasonable in not wanting to leave your DD with a stranger so late at night. Daytime nursery is totally different.

I hope your employer will be accommodating and that you will be able to do other shifts but not this one.

Ps when I'm at work I'm actually the least anxious that I am all week because the only thing I have time to think about is my job.

harvey

Don't let them get you down. You're doing really well.

^ if I can't do this job then I'm sending her early (she was meant to start in jan) for no reason.^

Let's hope for the best. Some employers are human beings too.

But if not this one, then something else might come up soon and you will already have childcare in place which is a bonus.

With regards child minders, do people seriously think child minders grow on trees?

There are a lot more babysitters around than child minders. Not that a child minder is what you would need in an evening.

It seems some MN's are more than happy, leaving their babies with strangers? I just don't get it. Not at all. Why are these people having babies? angry

Oh do shut up.

I think you have two choices. Resign before you start and don't have a job. Or call up explain the problem and maybe still have a job. Hopefully you mentioned you are a new Mum when you applied, so challenges like this come with the territory. If they let you have a shift they will see you are awesome and child minding problems won't be an issue for them. By the way, it isn't unusual for this type of challenge to arise when you get a new job as you are still trying to sort this stuff out. Good managers will understand this.

harvey - ignore them. I remember your post about the house. Sometimes needs must. You have done so well to get a job already as at the time of that post, I know you were only applying. You are making baby steps to overcome your anxiety so keep going

If your ExDP can have her in the evenings until January, could you look at getting a babysitter/childminder in the meantime for a couple of hours a week so that they then build up to having your DD whilst you are at work in 2 months time? Then you can have piece of mind that they are more than capable and they will not be a stranger by then?

You're doing a great job OP, don't cry, it's not the end of the world if this particular job doesn't work out. I went for a job interview last week and they told me last night I didn't get it. I was actually relieved purely because of the stress over childcare. Your dd will get older and it will get easier. I would not have been comfortable leaving a child of that age with someone I didn't know to do an evening shift, your not alone in feeling that way.

It seems some MN's are more than happy, leaving their babies with strangers? I just don't get it. Not at all. Why are these people having babies? angry

Don't be a twat. People have to work; we pay other people to look after our babies. We don't hand them off to anyone passing by the front door.

BTW, once you source a babysitter, they aren't a stranger any more, are they?

yes I took my current job and had to move the start date back as it took longer than expected to sort childcare, they put up with it as it's pretty usual. And no, DD1 didn't have a babysitter for 4 years (she went to nursery like op's dc) as we couldn't leave her with someone we didn't have a personal recommendation for/didn't know personally, I don't think that's unusual and I don't have any anxiety issues that I'm aware of :) Nursery is a much more regulated and open environment than babysitters you can find through sitters etc.

OP ring your employer now and tell them your situation. Do it now. Take control. That way you will know either way whether you have a job or not and if necessary can start looking for something else. Hopefully you won't have to. But ring them now. Don't put it off. There is nothing to gain by putting it off except prolonging that sick feeling in your stomach. You don't need that feeling. It isn't helping you.