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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not bother starting this job?

296 replies

harveyyspecter · 28/11/2016 23:19

Got a part time job after being a sahm for the last 2 years. I'm due to start next week and therefore dd will be starting nursery.

The problem is that one of the contracted shifts is on an evening and I can't get childcare for dd. I didn't realise dd's dad wouldn't be able to take care of her when I had the interview.

Wibu to just not bother with the job or should I start and ask them to swap shifts which will make me look like a flake straight away..

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 29/11/2016 21:01

Fizz I'm insane because I don't think babies should be treated as extensions of their mothers' bodies? Right.

FizzBombBathTime · 29/11/2016 21:07

When did I ever say he's an extension of my body?!

I'm his mum so I look after him

Why is that such alien concept to you?

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 29/11/2016 21:07

Good news OP :) Really glad to hear it.

As for the bunfight in the middle - Hmm

CartwheelGirl · 29/11/2016 21:21

harveyyspecter, anxiety is really hard to live with.

Did you ever try to set some time aside each day for positive things? Like maybe saying one thank you every day (very rewarding), or just doing something you truly enjoy (my ultimate selfish indulgences are jigsaw puzzles and sudoku). Anxiety traps you into thinking that there's a bazillion things that are more urgent and important, but in reality everyone can and should be able to afford 20mins a day to just their own relaxation.

Keeping the good stuff in your life alive is so important when you suffer with anxiety.

I also liked the book "Worry No More" by Bruce Van Horn. The book itself doesn't solve anything of course, actions do, but I did like how he laid out what anxiety is all about. I cried a few times throughout the book, it touched me so much. He says anxiety is like a movie script - if what your anxiety is writing is rubbish - rewrite it! Train yourself to challenge it. Particularly when it tells you 'I will cope with it alone, I'll be fine, no need to bother anyone else with such minor problems', don't listen, talk to others, get the support you need, get stronger. It's all easier said than done, particularly in the middle of a crisis, but you can't really give up fighting, can you?

DistanceCall · 29/11/2016 23:14

Fizz , you said: they spend every single day with me and are VERY rarely looked after by anybody else

I don't find it alien that a mother looks after her children, of course not. But I think that children should also get used to being looked after by their father, their grandparents, their uncles, their other relatives, their parents' friends, nursery workers, childminders, nannies, etc. Spending time with other people is healthy. Spending all the time with Mummy, not so much. As I said, you're not doing your children any favours.

bummymummy77 · 30/11/2016 00:07

Great Distance. I don't actually have anyone else but me to watch my ds. Nice to know I'm messing him up. Hmm

crashdoll · 30/11/2016 00:27

Change is very difficult even when you don't have anxiety. It's magnified when you do. You have a lot going on but you're doing well. Keep going. :) I'm pleased for you about the job and I saw your other thread too.

DistanceCall · 30/11/2016 00:55

Bummymummy77 Really? You never spend any time with anyone else? You spend your entire life in a room with your child? You don't know anyone you would trust with your child for a couple of hours at all? Because if so, yes, you have a problem.

Manumission · 30/11/2016 00:59

Bummymummy77 Really? You never spend any time with anyone else? You spend your entire life in a room with your child? You don't know anyone you would trust with your child for a couple of hours at all? Because if so, yes, you have a problem.

"In a room?" Confused Did she say in a room? Hmm

And of course extended family isn't essential to healthy child development. Why are you trying to make a fellow parent feel bad for a shortage of relatives!?

bummymummy77 · 30/11/2016 02:01

There's me and dh and he works long hours. We live on an island away from our friends and are nc with his family. Not ideal but not much I can do about it.

bummymummy77 · 30/11/2016 02:10

Of course he sees other people but unless we're back in the U.K. logistics mean we can't leave him with anyone. I'll start saving for the therapy now.

SlottedSpoon · 30/11/2016 03:58

I think it's a shame so many people on this thread were encouraging you to indulge the idea that you should consider giving up a job you hadn't even started because of a possible childcare problem in 5 week's time.

I was one of them but I thought she started on 7th Dec. I realise now that was just the induction and the start date was ages away, so I agree, plenty of time to solve the problem, in which case it wasn't really much of problem at all.

Your response to a pretty minor setback was completely out of proportion to the actual problem you had.

Totally agree with this. Reams and reams of heated discussion on MN about a relatively small issue, replies that made Harveyy cry, and all because she didn't just pick up the phone and ask a simple question in the first instance, instead of coming on here all Negative Nellie with a problem for every solution offered. As soon as she was 'bullied' into it as some people have suggested on here, she did take control and hey presto! the problem was easily solved.

There's a lesson there somewhere. Why waste mental energy worrying about the outcome of something you have no idea about and can't solve by mere worrying anyway, when a simple action/question will give you the answer you need, even if it's not the answer you hoped for?

I'm very glad it's sorted, but I think you need to be aware that being a working parent involves a lot of tenacity.

If your first instinct is to quit your job every time you have an issue with childcare, you are going to be a flakey employee.

Totally agree. And do you know what Harveyy I wouldn't mind betting that once you get into the swing of working your anxiety may well improve hugely anyway. I think sometimes the more time and space you have to sit and fret about what you think you can't cope with, the worse and more daunting all these challenges seem. Whereas busy, motivated people with lots of distractions from their own negative thoughts have no time to stop and worry - they just get on with stuff. And low and behold, the sky doesn't fall in!

unicornlovermother · 30/11/2016 04:17

I think there is rather a lot of unendearing self back patting, by people on here who think they are superior in their ability to juggle work and their kids. People have different circumstances- people have different views on what they are ok with, when it comes to their kids.

OP I think it is very admirable that you put your kid's needs before your own. I returned to work recently and it is hard juggling work with sick kids- are my kids better off for me working. Of course they are not and I don't try to fool myself-"Oh they get to see me working, I am such a role model." What a load of bollocks. Let's not pretend going to work and parenting for a few hours a day is somehow admirable.
Work is an escape for many parents, relieved they can pay someone else to care for their kids with their relentless needs.

I admire that you were prepared to turn a job down because you could not get a childcare situation you felt satisfied with.
Good luck with the job. Your son is lucky to have a mum who puts his needs first.

FizzBombBathTime · 30/11/2016 06:50

Well his dad works 12 hours a day so he can't look after him. And he's a very happy baby. HTH.

FizzBombBathTime · 30/11/2016 06:53

Distance there isn't anyone else to look after my son so I'm not really sure what you're on about anyway.

bummy ignore it we don't have to justify being full time mothers to this lot Hmm

Original poster
harveyyspecter · 30/11/2016 07:42

Slotted it must be so perfect to be you.

I'm afraid 'wasting mental energy' is part and parcel of having a mental health condition and if I could just make simple decisions without worrying sick over things then I would. You're calling me negative Nellie when I have anxiety. Would you find it so easy to name call someone who had a physical illness?

OP posts:
DoinItFine · 30/11/2016 08:11

It's not perfect for anyone.

But if you recognise you have anxiety, you must also recognise that that anxiety is likely to cause anxious responses to situations that are not reasonable.

Considering quitting a job because of a childcare issue in 5 weeks time is an anxious response.

You have a minor problem with several possible solutions, but instead of trying any of them you start a thread about giving up your job.

You might well really want this job, but your anxiety doesn't want it. It's new and scary and it will force you into uncomfortable situations.

Giving up the job on the basis of yesterday's issue would have been taking a (pretty weak) excuse offered to you by your anxiety to not have to do something scary.

It is flakey to give up on something so easily.

But you didn't and that's great.

What is less great is that you seem to be building around yourself a group of onkine cheerleaders who will encourage you in your anxiety. Who will tell you that it's enough of an achievement to get a job, that it doesn't matter whether you actually do it.

It does matter. It is very hard to see how it could be in your best interests for you to have given up so easily on a new job you were proud to get.

If the phonecall hadn't worked, if the shift had been non-negotiable, would you have given up then? Because there were still other options snd plenty of time to explore them

user1480182169 · 30/11/2016 09:13

Let's not pretend going to work and parenting for a few hours a day is somehow admirable

OP I think it is very admirable that you put your kid's needs before your own

Fucking hell, judgey much? Just because YOU fell guilty and shitty about going to work, stop judging everyone else.

JenLindleyShitMom · 30/11/2016 09:29

OP I think it is very admirable that you put your kid's needs before your own.

I'm afraid that isn't what was happening here. Not at all. OP wasn't making a rational decision to stay home because her child wouldn't cope with nursery. Her brain was in panic mode and her illness made it impossible for her to take the very simple step of lifting the phone and asking for help to fix it. Her illness was preventing her from putting her child's and her own needs (for an income and stable accommodation) first.

Original poster
harveyyspecter · 30/11/2016 09:37

I think Jen is one of few who understands and can accurately describe the situation.

Doin if I could realise that my anxiety is causing anxious responses rather than rational ones then I wouldn't have anxiety and I would be cured.

OP posts:
JenLindleyShitMom · 30/11/2016 09:45

I do Harvey. I have been there and it still rears its ugly head now from time to time and trips me up. It can be completely paralysing. It isn't through choice. It's like your first instinct for everything is "no, I cant". Most things now I don't even notice it, my brain just instantly over rides it but some days the anxiety wins and I am caught in a spiral of self doubt questioning whether I am actually making a sensible decision or of it's just the anxiety creeping back in. I've become a lot better at recognising it now. Being around others (at work mostly) has helped massively as it's a good barometer for what is normal behaviour and what isn't. And also it means I'm not alone with my own thoughts for long enough for me to start second guessing myself. Work has helped me massively. I really hope it does for you too.

user1480182169 · 30/11/2016 09:47

I think Jen is one of few who understands and can accurately describe the situation

Only if you think its essential to slag the shit out of everyone else to make you feel better about your own choices Hmm
Anxiety isn't an excuse to be a wagon to everyone else. Lots of people have anxiety, they still go to work, they still have their children minded.

JenLindleyShitMom · 30/11/2016 09:49

I don't think I've "slagged the shit" out of anyone. Could you quote where I have please.

Original poster
harveyyspecter · 30/11/2016 09:50

At what point did Jen or anyone 'slag the shit' out of you?

OP posts:
tralaaa · 30/11/2016 09:50

I used to childmind and I had one little girl overnight on a Thursday her mum brought her all ready for bed and she slept and the mum picked her up in the morning. I didn't charge a great deal as she was no trouble at all maybe this could be an option for you